MIL not coming to son's First Holy Communion

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90Domer

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If anyone can give me a word of encouragement, I would appreciate it.

My son makes his First Holy Communion the end of April. I have started to plan a little party/dinner for the invited guests. We had yet to hear about my MIL’s travel plans, so I asked dh to call her this past Saturday. Well, she informed dh that she was not going to attend because she didn’t want to cause any dissension.

In the recent past, we have taken her to task over some pretty terrible things she has said and done, which mostly involve lying, stretching the truth (which I think is just another form of lying), and talking behind our backs (uncharitably). She is not used to the pushback because my FIL used to run interference for her. Since his passing, she has gotten nastier (FIL would also reign her in when needed) in words and actions.

I didn’t think the pushback on our part (we caught her in several bold lies and expressed our sadness in her behavior) would result in her not attending an event we believe to be one of the biggest celebrations in my son’s life. She previously said that she was going to attend, but that is not the case now.

I feel terrible for my son. My emotions mostly range from sadness for my son and husband to extreme anger for this woman. She has slighted our family before, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised. I am trouble letting this go.

Suggestions and prayers will be greatly appreciated. God bless.
 
I think your best bet is to just let it go. Don’t let her ruin the day for your family. I wouldn’t bring it up again either. She knows about it and that she is welcome. Leave it at that.
 
Please let this go. It seems your MIL has been honing her bad behaviors for a loooooong time. Her unpleasantness predates you, apparently.

Your child’s First Eucharist day is blessed and holy. Make sure its focused on your son’s reception of this awesome Sacrament. Not distracted by party details. And certainly not marred by intentionally disruptive behaviors.
 
Isn’t it possible that she isn’t slighting you and the family at all, as you say, but that she truly doesn’t want to cause dissension, as she says?

If that’s the case, then her actions are wise and good. She may know she will cause trouble if she is there and is keeping herself away so she won’t do so.

Isn’t it better that she not attend…rather than she attend and cause a disturbance?
 
That is not a woman you want there against her will. I suspect you may be calling her on a bluff, to tell the truth, but take her at her word and let it be.

Some of our relatives absented themselves from our sons’ First Holy Communion. I was very upset about it. We didn’t make a big deal of it in front of the kids, though, and our sons don’t even remember it. In fact, they seem to remember that one of the absent family members was there. The truth is, family members cannot always be there for our “big days”. It is best to not get too worked up about it, even when it is on purpose. If I had it to do over again, I will tell you that I’d not have spent so much upset over it, that is for sure. It had no good effect on anyone, especially not me! Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I wish I had. Life is too short, and love does not carry grudges or brood over injuries.

Let your husband decide what to tell your son if he asks why Grandma won’t be there. Personally, I would not make it dramatic or give him reason to think he’s being slighted. “That is the way it is, sometimes. Not everyone is always there for every one of our big days. Besides, Grandma goes to Holy Communion, too, so we’ll all be one in Jesus that day. That’s what Holy Communion does: it overcomes those little separations.”
 
90Domer said:
If anyone can give me a word of encouragement, I would appreciate it.

My son makes his First Holy Communion the end of April. I have started to plan a little party/dinner for the invited guests. We had yet to hear about my MIL’s travel plans, so I asked dh to call her this past Saturday. Well, she informed dh that she was not going to attend because she didn’t want to cause any dissension.

In the recent past, we have taken her to task over some pretty terrible things she has said and done, which mostly involve lying, stretching the truth (which I think is just another form of lying), and talking behind our backs (uncharitably). She is not used to the pushback because my FIL used to run interference for her. Since his passing, she has gotten nastier (FIL would also reign her in when needed) in words and actions.

I didn’t think the pushback on our part (we caught her in several bold lies and expressed our sadness in her behavior) would result in her not attending an event we believe to be one of the biggest celebrations in my son’s life. She previously said that she was going to attend, but that is not the case now.

I feel terrible for my son. My emotions mostly range from sadness for my son and husband to extreme anger for this woman. She has slighted our family before, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised. I am trouble letting this go.

Suggestions and prayers will be greatly appreciated. God bless.
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I will pray for you and your family. Sounds like it worked out fine–you should be relieved that she isn’t coming.
 
For any given event, a person should not attend if he or she cannot act civil. If you would be upset or stir up trouble, it’s best not to go. Selflessness for an event focused on someone else.

I know it’s an important milestone in your son’s life and of course you want your son’s grandmother to attend, but don’t you want your son’s First Holy Communion to be a good memory, where they day was focused on him? Rather than a bad memory where all you remember about that day was how your MIL acted?
 
monicatholic said:
Please let this go. It seems your MIL has been honing her bad behaviors for a loooooong time. Her unpleasantness predates you, apparently.

Your child’s First Eucharist day is blessed and holy. Make sure its focused on your son’s reception of this awesome Sacrament. Not distracted by party details. And certainly not marred by intentionally disruptive behaviors.
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Great advice. This is what it is about.

DGB
 
I send my prayers and best wishes for your son’s First Holy Communion. That is a wonderful thing to focus on and celebrate with the people who have chosen to be with you on this special day! Really, that’s all that matters… (and, if I may, I will be with you and your family in spirit!). :signofcross::heaven::grouphug:
 
Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful words. I am trying to let it go. Right now, it’s still a little raw, so I remain upset. I keep praying my rosary asking God to give me peace in my heart. God bless all you wonderful people.
 
Oh, my, there is always ONE in every family, isn’t there?!!! I empathize with you completely for feeling torn about this.:hug1: How very sad for her that she prefers a lifetime of ugly:slapfight: drama to being a quiet and respectful presence on such a day. That said, it may well be a blessing that she will not disrupt others, nor distract from the celebration of this important Sacrament. :highprayer:

In the years to come, she may see photos of the event and greatly regret her choice.:bighanky: I would certainly not dwell on it in front of the child at all, and I will pray that her propensity to hurt people will lessen in time. Such people are sometimes very ill, or if not, they are to be pitied for their self destructive behavior. :knight1:Families dealing with someone like this are challenged to find ways to communicate with them. Christ may find a way to reach her through your patience, and you certainly have been patient from what you say here. When it seems humanly impossible to reach out to such people, God can help us. :gopray2:For now, I agree that it’s best to leave things as they are. She made her decision, and you have a beautiful day to prepare for. After that, God is ever present to heal the breach. All things are possible with God!
I hope the day is especially joyful for you.
Kathryn Ann:harp:
 
This is your son’s First Communion day. Its between him and God, and its really not about the party at all. Your son will remember the day that he was able to receive Communion for the first time and that a bunch of people celebrated the event. Will he even remember who was there and who wasn’t 20 years from now? Emphasis who IS there, not lament who ISN’T. And it sounds like you are getting off easy anyway. This way you can focus on enjoying the day, celebrating your son’s reception of a Sacrament, and not have to run interference on drama.
 
happymommy said:
I think your best bet is to just let it go. Don’t let her ruin the day for your family. I wouldn’t bring it up again either. She knows about it and that she is welcome. Leave it at that.
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Agreed. That’s most likely the reason why she’s not attending. She’s hoping that denying people her company will ruin the day. Instead you can feel free to plan the day without the worry of her making a scene with her nasty words and actions. Frankly I’d be somewhat relieved that such a troublesome guest was not coming.
 
SamH said:
Agreed. That’s most likely the reason why she’s not attending. She’s hoping that denying people her company will ruin the day. Instead you can feel free to plan the day without the worry of her making a scene with her nasty words and actions. Frankly I’d be somewhat relieved that such a troublesome guest was not coming.
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I would have been dancing in the streets if my MIL had opted to stay home. Instead she came and tried to make the day about her.
 
maryjk said:
I would have been dancing in the streets if my MIL had opted to stay home. Instead she came and tried to make the day about her.
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God bless you!:angel1: I often wonder what makes people become like this! Drama, drama and:frighten::slapfight: more drama, “me, me, me!” Our Lord must sometimes shake his head, but He does beckon us to love them anyway.:harp: That is not easy. For all of us who have someone challenging in our lives, may God give us the strength to cope, the wisdom to know how to handle each situation and the compassion to find ways to reach out to them in love.:heaven:
 
90Domer said:
I feel terrible for my son. My emotions mostly range from sadness for my son and husband to extreme anger for this woman. She has slighted our family before, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised. I am trouble letting this go.

Suggestions and prayers will be greatly appreciated. God bless.
Click to expand...
Given that her behaviour in the past has not been good, this is maybe for the best. Do you really want to spend that special day expecting something bad to happen? I wouldn’t.

I remember well how my grandmother behaved on that very occasion, and I will never forget it. I was so happy so her attitude did not spoil it completely, but I wish she had not come.

You have every right to feel sorry for your son and your husband. You have a right to be angry at her too. But the best thing for all of you would be to just accept it and let go. It is not fair, but sometimes family dynamic sucks. We are better off without the drama.

I have struggled with letting go in the past, and found the way to achieve that. I simply asked God to take that burden away from me. I told Him that I tried but couldn’t carry on dealing with a person in question, and was leaving it to Him to take care of them. And He did. You are not responsible for other people’s behaviour and you are not in control of them. Give it to God and He will set you free from this frustrating situation.
 
90Domer said:
She previously said that she was going to attend, but that is not the case now.
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As so many other posters have mentioned this is not someone you want at your celebration, regardless of her kinship connection with you son.

My step-daughters’ grandmother (their mother’s mother) is a sour, mean-spirited woman with a nasty passive aggressive streak. She did not want to attend the girls’ performance in The Nutcracker this past Christmas, but her daughter - with whom she has a twisted co-dependency thing going on - begged her to be there. So she went.

And she left her cell phone on high volume and let several calls ring through to her voice mail. And she insisted on sitting in the middle of the row so we all had to get up and let her out whenever she felt the need to go to the bathroom, which was a number of times. And she complained to the ushers that the auditorium was too hot as she fanned herself dramatically throughout the performance. And she disappeared during the intermission only to arrive 10 minutes into the second half. And at the restaurant afterwards she complained about the food and the service and the baby at the next table and the cleanliness of the bathroom. She told the girls she had no idea why she attended the performance in the first place because she couldn’t see them from where we were seated. In other words, she did her best to make sure we all of us were punished because she was there.

Learn from my mistakes - don’t do this to your kid.

Luna
 
God bless and thank you for all the responses! 🙂

I had to chuckle when one poster mentioned about her MIL made an event about her. Gosh, that happened the last time she was at a family birthday. She got angry at us because we didn’t mention that she lost weight and sat inside the whole time during an outside party.

Thank you for grounding me that they day is about the beautiful sacrament of receiving our Lord.
 
It wouldn’t suprise me if she was just doing this for the attention - trying to make you come to her and beg - and while it may be hard for you it may be even more difficult for your husband. Leave her be - if not you could be playing right into her hands and then that would only encourage her to pull this kind of thing in future. Ignore her - if she calls or says anything tell her (or send her a note) saying “so sorry you won’t be able to attend but thank you for letting us know so we were able to get an accurate head count…” This will make it clear you only have room for a certain amount of people and that her decision has been seen as final - no showing up at the last minute and saying “oh I thought I should come” - I’ve had a friend deal with something frighteningly similar and the more she begged her the nastier things got and the behaviour didn’t end until she began ignoring her. Must agree with one of the other posters - ‘sometimes family dynamics suck’…
God Bless and Good Luck -
Rye
 
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