MIL rant, future kids

[CountryMom27]

I very much want to have a third child, DH does not, he is using ABC against my wishes, we are both Catholic. Whew!

Today I was taking the kids to see MIL & FIL since FIL just got home from the hospital (he had had a series of small strokes, thankfully is doing fine). MIL mentioned that now that my youngest is eating in a booster, she’s going to get rid of the extra high chair she has kept at her house. I said that’s a good idea, since if we do have another child, my dad still has one or we have a portable one.

She was astonished that we would even consider having another child. She said how could I do that even knowing I would be incapacitated for 9 mo? No wonder DH doesn’t want another child. I did have complications in my last pregnancy, was on bedrest for 11 weeks at the end for preeclampsia, and had a kidney stone early on so was on bedrest for 3 weeks for that too. But to me, it is absolutely worth the pain and discomfort and stress to bring another life into the world.

I started to disagree with her and then just let it go, it’s not worth it. But am I right to find her comments upsetting and also, let’s face it, inappropriate?

I continue to pray each night that my husband will change his mind, or that God will give us a miracle in spite of DH’s efforts. I’m so sad about this whole situation, it just is very upsetting.

 

[catherineajt]

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt–her remarks were, from what you posted, an exaggeration of the bed rest you did need during your last pregnancies. There are plenty of women who are confined to much more strict bed rest than you were!

That said…people are always going to say rude, blunt, intrusive, and downright bizarre things about others’ family size. I have three boys, and already two of my neighbors, who are lovely women in their seventies, have told me, “You need to have a girl!” I take their comment as I hope they intended it, half-jokingly but recognizing that a lot of moms do wish for a girl. I am not a mom who yearns for a girl, but most do, and they think I’m like that.

It’s not like when I was pregnant with my first, and we found out he was a boy, and my mother said, obviously with great disappointment, “I wanted him to be a girl.” At least my neighbors acknowlege that my boys are delightful children and that i’m blessed to have them.

Your MIL probably is operating under our society’s perceptions of the “right sized” family. Two kids. Maybe three, but if you have any problems with a pregnancy, why on EARTH would you want more than two? One and a spare. Perfect. (That was my mom’s attitude, anyway.)

I would just chalk up her response as HER reaction, and what SHE would do in your situation.

As for your DH and ABC, well, my heart goes out to you. You are not sinning, and all you can do is pray for a change of heart OR for you to be at peace with the situation. Or both.

 

[Island_Oak]

You MIL’s opinion of the number, timing, naming, gender, education or anything anything else related to procreation and raising of *your *children is irrelevant. You can just smile and nod and then completely forget/ignore whatever just came out of her mouth.

Your husband is an entirely different matter. As partners in this process you each have individual veto power over the possibility of adding another child to the mix–an option he is exercising at the moment. It’s not completely without cause that he might feel overwhelmed given what you’ve been through. Be patient and loving with him and he may soften. Don’t push the issue for now–focus on being a loving wife and good mom to the brood you have. He also may stand firm. And if so, you can CHOOSE to be bitter and resentful for what you don’t have–or–be grateful for the healthy children you have together, and move on…

 

[utunumsint]

I very much want to have a third child, DH does not, he is using ABC against my wishes, we are both Catholic. Whew!

Today I was taking the kids to see MIL & FIL since FIL just got home from the hospital (he had had a series of small strokes, thankfully is doing fine). MIL mentioned that now that my youngest is eating in a booster, she’s going to get rid of the extra high chair she has kept at her house. I said that’s a good idea, since if we do have another child, my dad still has one or we have a portable one.

She was astonished that we would even consider having another child. She said how could I do that even knowing I would be incapacitated for 9 mo? No wonder DH doesn’t want another child. I did have complications in my last pregnancy, was on bedrest for 11 weeks at the end for preeclampsia, and had a kidney stone early on so was on bedrest for 3 weeks for that too. But to me, it is absolutely worth the pain and discomfort and stress to bring another life into the world.

I started to disagree with her and then just let it go, it’s not worth it. But am I right to find her comments upsetting and also, let’s face it, inappropriate?

Yes. The comment was offside. You may want to tell your husband to have a chat with his mother about respecting your boundaries. Even if he agrees with her, your fertility and the number of children you have is an issue that is betwen you and your husband only.

I continue to pray each night that my husband will change his mind, or that God will give us a miracle in spite of DH’s efforts. I’m so sad about this whole situation, it just is very upsetting.

Your in my prayers.

God bless,
Ut

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You MIL’s opinion of the number, timing, naming, gender, education or anything anything else related to procreation and raising of *your *children is irrelevant. You can just smile and nod and then completely forget/ignore whatever just came out of her mouth.

Your husband is an entirely different matter. As partners in this process you each have individual veto power over the possibility of adding another child to the mix–an option he is exercising at the moment. It’s not completely without cause that he might feel overwhelmed given what you’ve been through. Be patient and loving with him and he may soften. Don’t push the issue for now–focus on being a loving wife and good mom to the brood you have. He also may stand firm. And if so, you can CHOOSE to be bitter and resentful for what you don’t have–or–be grateful for the healthy children you have together, and move on…

 

[gardenswithkids]

…FIL just got home from the hospital (he had had a series of small strokes, thankfully is doing fine). MIL …She was astonished that we would even consider having another child. …I started to disagree with her and then just let it go, it’s not worth it. But am I right to find her comments upsetting and also, let’s face it, inappropriate?..

Yes your MIL’s comments were rude and inappropriate, but try to let them go. For one, her husband just got out of the hospital; she may not have given much thought about what she was really saying. Secondly, if she doesn’t want to keep a high chair around, it’s her business and her home. Some grandparents never keep a high chair around for the grandbabies.

I have heard similarly rude comments from my MIL, but I suspect that your husband’s actions hurt far more than his mother’s words. Even if there are very valid reasons for his not wanting another child, it is wrong for one spouse to force contraception upon the other, especially in a Catholic marriage. I agree with the advice not to push him or become bitter and resentful, (I disagree that the spouse who doesn’t want more children gets the final say–that’s a discussion for a different thread.) Continue to pray for your husband–and not just because you want another baby. Pray for him because contraception is a grave sin.

 

[AHapka]

She was astonished that we would even consider having another child. She said how could I do that even knowing I would be incapacitated for 9 mo?

Tell her it’s your body and your choice

In all seriousness, tell her you and DH will have as many kids as God has planned for you. I would also tell her thank you for your concern, I appreciate it, but I will handle the medical issues if and when they come up. For me it’s worth it. This is an excellent time to witness for life

I agree with Island Oak about your DH…

 

[monicatholic]

But am I right to find her comments upsetting and also, let’s face it, inappropriate?

of course. her comments*** are ***inappropriate. just as her past fertility choices aren’t your concern, your current choices are not her concern.

I continue to pray each night that my husband will change his mind, or that God will give us a miracle in spite of DH’s efforts

I think it’s more importnat to pray God changes your husband’s heart. A conversion is necessary for his increased holiness. Not a conversion to your perspective of more children, but a conversion to God’s way of considering sexuality. Then you can pray for like-mindedness about another baby.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… just as her past fertility choices aren’t your concern, your current choices are not her concern. …

MIL’s past fertility “choices” do concern CountryMom since one “choice” resulted in her husband. Their “choices” in turn concern MIL because “choices” may become her grandchildren. Some MIL’s conclude they can give their unsolicited opinions regarding number of grandchildren.

I suspect my own MIL’s rude comments stem from the fact that she wants to be a good grandmother in theory, but she’s only willing to do so much. Just as my MIL previously used contraception to limit the number of children she had, she *still *wants control over her family size. The term “birth control” is a misnomer, and my MIL no longer has the control. Contraception is a multi-generational sin.

…I think it’s more importnat to pray God changes your husband’s heart. A conversion is necessary for his increased holiness. Not a conversion to your perspective of more children, but a conversion to God’s way of considering sexuality. Then you can pray for like-mindedness about another baby.

Very well written. :clapping:

 

[monicatholic]

MIL’s past fertility “choices” do concern CountryMom since one “choice” resulted in her husband. Their “choices” in turn concern MIL because “choices” may become her grandchildren.

Thanks, GWK for pointing this out. Mine was sloppy communication. I’ll try again: fertility choices are between the married couple and God. The adult child should seek the parent’s counsel, but is not obligated to obey or consider ungodly advice:

CCC 2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

Still, the MIL’s intrusion is a secondary issue, primary being CountryMom’s husband’s misunderstanding of married sexuality. Many prayers!

 

[kage_ar]

Sometimes, it is wise to say nothing.

When MIL mentioned getting rid of the highchair, it might have been the kindest thing to say nothing. Scripture tells us not to provoke others.

Keep the discussions about possible future children between you and your husband and your Priest. –

 

[CountryMom27]

Thanks all for the insights & understanding.

I suppose if I were a better person I would have just ignored her comments. As it was I played it very upbeat and yet deflected her, but I still felt sad & wounded. She has a way of saying hurtful things but in a very subtle way. She doesn’t think they are hurtful but they are.

I never really thought about my prayers for DH - you’re right when you say I should pray for his thoughts to be in communion with God about God’s plans for our family. I don’t know what God’s plans for us are are - more kids or no - but I think that this is what makes me sad. It’s not that I’m not getting my way, it’s that I think DH’s way is wrong because it’s against the teachings of the Church. It’s trying to steer our life in one way, and not letting God drive us His own way.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support.