MIL thinks we're fascists - LONG!

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ekblad7

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My husband comes from a VERY liberal background. He grew up for some years on a commune. His mother has been married multiple times but spent most of his life with different “partners”. When we got married she was very upset. She has tried to break up our marriage on a number of occasions. My husband was baptized and came into the church shortly after we were married. She refuses to acknowledge whenever we have another baby and sends ads and articles about birth control and vasectamies. Our oldest son is very serious about becoming a priest. He’s still young and may likely change his mind but right now that’s what he feels he is called to do. My MIL is currently a buddhist but has been everything under the sun. She talks to my son on the phone and tells him she doesn’t believe in Jesus. My son is pretty well equipped thanks to his many apologetics courses, Catholic radio, etc. Anyway - recently my MIL was pushing the movie the Golden Compass. My husband told her in no uncertain terms that our kids were not to see that movie. She then told my oldest son that he should see it anyway. Further, she sent him a letter and an ad for the movie. In the letter (which my husband and I read before my son) she called the Catholic Church a fascist regime that my son should be warey of. She told him to think for himself and open his mind. As if that wasn’t bad enough a few days later she sent a postcard to my husband stating the “early warning signs of fascism” and then wrote that he should open his mind and hang the postcard next to our “Jesus stuff”. My husband called her and asked her (very, very lovingly) to please respect our life choices and to stop doing things like that. After all, she has friends that live every alternative lifestyle you can imagine and it’s all “I’m OK You’re OK” but apparently we are not OK. She wonders what she “did wrong” to have such a son as him. 😦 My husband is an absolutely wonderful man. He has been a responsible husband and father from day one. We have had serious issues in our marriage and have gone to counseling but we have always come through it. We are much deeper into our prayer life than we used to be and have dedicated ourselves to our children and our family.

So my question - I feel badly for my husband. He has no father (father left when he was 5 years old) and never, ever sees his siblings. His mom will not visit nor will she allow us to visit her (we have too many kids). My husband is pretty non confrontational and won’t talk about his feelings but I know this must hurt alot. My family is the complete opposite of this and he does have a great relationship with them so that’s good. He is going to speak with our parish priest next week about this. How can I comfort him without bashing his mom? I pray for her, of course, and just hope she comes to know Jesus’ love before she dies. But what can I do for him?

If you read this far bless you! LOL!
 
**How can you comfort him without bashing his mom…hmmm…

As Catholics you both realize that she is “lost”. She makes the choices she makes because she has no moral compass to guide her. That doesn’t excuse her poor decisions or the ones that deeply hurt your hubby (or you and the kids) but it does help to see her as a human being suffering without love for God.

Focus on helping your hubby see what a great husband and father he is DESPITE his upbringing. With God, anything is possible. Pray together for his mom. But ultimately he needs to know that it’s ok to hurt. It’s also ok to get over it. He will always love his mom simply because she is his mom. That’s ok. That love will inspire heartfelt prayer and hopefully her conversion someday…

Malia**
 
Wow, your poor DH! I wouldn’t bring his mom up when you are comforting him - he knows how toxic that relationship is. I would just continue being his rock and keep providing unconditional love, like you have been doing, and maybe the both of you could pray for her together. That should definitely help some. 🙂

How awful that his own mother is behaving this way. It’s great that he will be speaking with your priest, though. I will keep you all in my prayers.
 
ekblad7 said:
How can I comfort him without bashing his mom? I pray for her, of course, and just hope she comes to know Jesus’ love before she dies. But what can I do for him?
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My only suggestion would to be express directly to him that you admire the patient and gentle way he stands up for his family and your beliefs to his mother - make sure he knows you understand the situation she has put him in and that you admire him for both protecting you and still being decent to her. (I suspect you have already done this anyway!) Acknowledging the situation is not bashing her, and he probably needs to know that everyone knows it is not his fault. If I were in his shoes, that understanding would be all I would want and the best comfort I could have.

(BTW my boss-before-last was a Buddhist, a genuine one born into a Buddhist family in Sri Lanka, and a kinder, gentler, more respectful and dignified human being you could not find. He is a far better ad for Buddhism than your MIL from the sounds of it!)
 
Yeah, Guitar, I was gonna say, an authentic Buddhist wouldn’t be so hostile!

Wow, Ekblad7, your husband is in a tough situation. He is wise to give priority to his own family rather than to his family of origin, but it must hurt him immensely to have his efforts to be a good husband and father undermined by his own mother. I hope that his other mother, Our Mother Mary, says a special prayer for him, as well as for your MIL.
 
I personally would cut off all contact your mil has with your kids. She has waaaaaay overstepped her bounds as a grandma and completely disrespected you as a parent.

She definitely needs prayer, and your DH as well. My DH has a strained relationship with his parents as well, so I know how hard it is. After some nasty events in the last few months, I don’t think DH has any intention of having anything to do with his mom again. It’s sad. But I fully support him in his decision because his mom has done so many hurtful things to him that there comes a point where you have to take a stand and eliminate toxic people from your life.

The best thing you can do is be supportive of your DH, listen to him when he needs to talk, and try to pick your battles when it comes to bringing up something his mom did or said. Save it for the stuff that really matters, like her running her mouth to your children.
 
I would go to the parish office and request a Mass to be said for his mother. Usually they will give you a little card to present to the person or the family if it is a memorial Mass. You can give the card to your husband! 🙂 Or if your parish doesn’t give cards, you can cut out the Mass intentions out of the bulletin and put it in a card of your own and write some words of appreciation of him and encouragement.
 
I’d send her a copy of Jonah Goldberg’s new book, “Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning.”

amazon.com/Liberal-Fascism-American-Mussolini-Politics/dp/0385511841

No doubt she’ll file it in the trash immediately, so get a copy for yourself. Goldberg is known for his “snarky wit,” but so far this book is being hailed far and wide for its depth and scholarship.
 
I would take a proactive approach… have family prayer sessions to pray for her… it helps the kids feel like they are doing something to help grandma, lets dh know that you consider her ill not bad, and well prayer together as a family is always a good thing. My kids and I did this for their father after he walked out… helped me to forgive him and really helped the kids an awful lot too…
 
Why on earth do you continue associating with this person? My God, (no blasphemy intended) how could this positively poisonous person bring anything good into your life? She sounds like the mother of Corky Laputa from Dean Koontz’s “The Face”.

You’ll be held spiritually responsible for whatever bad infleunce she oozes on to your child.

Look up “toxic relative”. Break ties. We may have to honor our parents, but that doesn’t mean unconditionally including them in our lives no matter what damage they might cause to our families. Your HUSBAND needs to be a man, a true “husband” and stop contact with this person.
 
His mom will not visit nor will she allow us to visit her (we have too many kids).
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I would stop allowing her to have any contact with my children. I’m rather harsh to anyone who would drive a wedge between my dh and I or us and the kids. It’s a zero tolorance policy we’ve always had.
No more phone calls, no more mail. If she’s got a problem with it, then she is welcome to enjoy a pleasant dinner in your home as a family. If she can’t manage that, then it sounds like the only reason she maintains that little contact seems to be to spread misery. You are under no obligation to let accept her misery into your home. If anything you have an obligation to keep it from infecting your children and undermining the foundation you are trying to build for them to last the rest of their lives.
 
ekblad7 said:
…My family is the complete opposite of this and he does have a great relationship with them so that’s good. He is going to speak with our parish priest next week about this. How can I comfort him without bashing his mom? I pray for her, of course, and just hope she comes to know Jesus’ love before she dies. But what can I do for him?..
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:hug3:
Thanks for starting this thread. Those are good questions. I struggle to deal with my own MIL (who looks more like saint now i compare her to your MIL.)

I feel kind of sorry for my hubby, but my hubby doesn’t really seem to want my comfort over the situation. We live near my hubby’s family, but we don’t see my in-laws much–their choice. My own parents are dead. While organizing some closets I ran across old letters that reminded me that I received from my parents and elderly relatives what I hoped my in-laws would provide for us and our children. I was used to that, but my hubby wasn’t. I think he may be (in a weird way) better off because his expectations for his mom are lower than mine. Yet he also seems to keep placing us in positions where she rejects him and the rest of us. He’s used to her rejection and rude comments; I’m not and this bothers me more than it bothers him.

I think what I could do better for my husband is not think about the problems with his mom so much. I don’t bash her (well, not too much). I pray for her and have Masses said for her from time to time. She chooses not to see us very often and if her influence on my life was limited to only when she sees us, there wouldn’t be much of a problem. My problem is I keep trying to figure her out, *and I can’t *because she falls so short of what I think a mother and grandmother should be.

As I am in the process of sorting through stuff after Christmas and re-orgainizing, I also came to realize that I have kept some stuff in that his mom gave us that I really need to get out of the house. Those gifts, some of which are useful and nice, remind me of her. Other gifts she gave I kept simply because grandma gave it to the kids–stuff that they didn’t really use, but I had stored it away in a closet and would run across at random times throughout my day when I got something from that closet. When I run into stuff she gave us, I get to thinking again and I grow frustrated. So, part of my closet organizing right now is to either give away or store items she gave us in a particular location so I won’t keep running across these frequent reminders that trigger my negative thoughts.

What I need to do is let my husband deal with his mother and stop thinking about her so much. It also occurred to me at Church on Sunday as I looked at a statue of Mary that I could re-direct my thoughts about my groom’s mother onto The Bridegroom’s mother. I plan to reflect more on the perfection of Mary rather than the imperfections of my own MIL.
 
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