Miscarriage Grief

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karouni

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In April 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I was admittedly a little unsure of how to feel, because it was a result of inappropriate behavior with my then fiance (now husband). We adjusted ourselves to the idea that we were starting a family early and moved our wedding date up from August 2010 to June 2010 (we were done with the 6 month marriage prep by May).

Because we got pregnant before we were married, we tried to balance being joyful of the new life we had created, with some humility and humbleness regarding the circumstances. We tried our best to tactfully tell our families and help them adjust to the news (which was also a mixture of happiness and disappointment for them as well) and took care of ourselves spiritually by going to confession and doing our best to behave ourselves. At the time, we were living in neighboring states, and I went to visit him in mid May. While there, I experienced bleeding. I had chosen a doctor in DH’s area to serve as my OBGYN since I wanted to reduce the number of doctors i’d have (one in my area, one in his, and one in the area we are moving to next month). I went to see the doctor in the morning of may 17th where we found out the baby had died a week earlier (baby developed to 8 weeks, I should have been at 9 weeks), and the next day, May 18th, I officially miscarried.
We buried the baby in a nearby park, and I went back home a couple days later. Though grieving terribly, I was able to distract myself with wedding preparations.

We married on June 18. I moved to DH’s place, graduated college, quit my job (since I was out of state by that point), and busied myself with household tasks.

But I’m still grieving. We are trying to enjoy our marriage and simply be open to whatever God wants for us, whether it means having a child now or not, but I can’t help but feel more saddened each month that I am not pregnant. DH tries to be understanding and kind to me, God bless him, but I know the miscarriage was hard on him too. I feel alone…which is partly true since I’m in the apartment all day alone while he is at work, and this apartment is where I miscarried.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Any advice?

I understand fully the fact that DH and exhibited poor judgment before we married in being intimate and in visiting one another in close quarters afterwards, so I’m not looking for a judgement of our past behaviors or encouragement to atone for them (we have already counseled with our priest and confessed. I simply disclosed them to give a complete picture of the situation and fully acknowledge that there was not always good Christian behavior present). I’m asking for any advice on how to handle the miscarriage situation better.

Thank you and God Bless.
 
:bighanky: I will pray for you, I can’t imagine losing a baby. Try to stay close to Jesus and Mary, she was a mother too. On the parenting sub-forum there is a sticky called mommies of little saints forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=216195. These wonderful ladies have all experienced a loss of a child and maybe help you better than I. In the mean time I will pray for you.
 
I’m very sorry for your loss. It is so difficult, and it sounds like you didn’t have much opportunity to grieve immediately following the miscarriage. If you happen to have any mementos (pg test box or receipt, calendar, journal note, shirt you were wearing when you found out you were expecting, etc) those might be helpful to hang onto and put in a special place. There are also websites out there where, for free, you can create a little online “memorial” and write a short message to your baby. I lost two babies through miscarriage and these helped, as did the passing of time.

Also, congratulations on your marriage, by the way…God bless.
 
karouni said:
In April 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I was admittedly a little unsure of how to feel, because it was a result of inappropriate behavior with my then fiance (now husband). We adjusted ourselves to the idea that we were starting a family early and moved our wedding date up from August 2010 to June 2010 (we were done with the 6 month marriage prep by May).

Because we got pregnant before we were married, we tried to balance being joyful of the new life we had created, with some humility and humbleness regarding the circumstances. We tried our best to tactfully tell our families and help them adjust to the news (which was also a mixture of happiness and disappointment for them as well) and took care of ourselves spiritually by going to confession and doing our best to behave ourselves. At the time, we were living in neighboring states, and I went to visit him in mid May. While there, I experienced bleeding. I had chosen a doctor in DH’s area to serve as my OBGYN since I wanted to reduce the number of doctors i’d have (one in my area, one in his, and one in the area we are moving to next month). I went to see the doctor in the morning of may 17th where we found out the baby had died a week earlier (baby developed to 8 weeks, I should have been at 9 weeks), and the next day, May 18th, I officially miscarried.
We buried the baby in a nearby park, and I went back home a couple days later. Though grieving terribly, I was able to distract myself with wedding preparations.

We married on June 18. I moved to DH’s place, graduated college, quit my job (since I was out of state by that point), and busied myself with household tasks.

But I’m still grieving. We are trying to enjoy our marriage and simply be open to whatever God wants for us, whether it means having a child now or not, but I can’t help but feel more saddened each month that I am not pregnant. DH tries to be understanding and kind to me, God bless him, but I know the miscarriage was hard on him too. I feel alone…which is partly true since I’m in the apartment all day alone while he is at work, and this apartment is where I miscarried.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Any advice?

I understand fully the fact that DH and exhibited poor judgment before we married in being intimate and in visiting one another in close quarters afterwards, so I’m not looking for a judgement of our past behaviors or encouragement to atone for them (we have already counseled with our priest and confessed. I simply disclosed them to give a complete picture of the situation and fully acknowledge that there was not always good Christian behavior present). I’m asking for any advice on how to handle the miscarriage situation better.

Thank you and God Bless.
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karouni, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I know that miscarriages are hard things to deal with and nothing I really say is going to take away your pain. I will pray for you and your husband. My advice to you is this, pray for healing and ask God to fill that hole. Don’t rush having another baby just yet, enjoy your time with your husband and prayerfully discern Gods timing. Get out of the apartment during the day, whether that be with a part-time job or a hobby. Interacting or at least coming into contact with people throughout the day, almost every day is good. This is part of the lonely feeling your are experiencing. My wife dealt with that as well.
Don’t forget that you have a soul praying for you. If you need to, seek out some grief counseling. Your local pro-life group either at your Church should have a good contact for you. Some of the pro-life abortion counselors will also help those who had a miscarriage.
I will pray for your and your husband.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my prayers. I have had four miscarriages myself (the last were twins), so I can imagine the pain your are dealing with. I won’t tell you that I know how you feel, because everyone grieves differently. There isn’t a time limit on grief but I can tell you that with time it does get better, although that may be hard for you to believe right now. The loss is still so raw. The most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself. If you are having relations, ask your Dr for prenatal vitimins and take them. Many hospitals have support groups for women who have lost babies. I think you would benefit from a good counselor who can help you to work thru your guilt.The guilt you feel about the circumstances of your baby’s conception aren’t helpful. After 7 pregnancies and three living kids I can tell you that miscarriage just happens. You didn’t do anything. It took a long time for me to stop being mad at God after my first two losses. He can handle it. Eventually, once I was able to “forgive” God, that is when he was able to heal me. I will always miss those children and look forward to seeing them again someday.

Dads grieve differently than Moms. I had a lot of anger and frustration with my husband because he was ready to “move on” long before I was. Seek the support of other women who have been thru this. This happens more often that you know. It is never easy, but God can offer you Peace. Take him up on it!

Take care and God Bless,
Sharen
 
karouni,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I will pray to the mother of us all, the Blessed Virgin Mary to comfort you and your husband.

I know how it feels to be isolated. I highly recommend that you try attending Mass on a daily basis. What I have learned from attending the daily Mass is that I feel closer to God, both in His house, and also outside of church, thereby for me slowly but surely releasing past hurts. Being in a support group with ladies who have also miscarried would also be a good option of coping with your grieving.

Meditating on the Seven Sorrows of Mary may also help you. Who better to understand the pain of the loss of a child than Mary herself?

I cordially welcome you the forums.:hug1:
 
Hey there OP,

I’ve had two miscarriages myself between my 7 year old and my gonna be 1 year old (on Saturday). I was distraught and totally freaked out and scared to be pregnant again. We used NFP until I was emotionally stable enough to have my 1 year old. I regret the NFP because I wish I had more kids before my second child so my 7 year old would have some closer brothers/sisters to her own age. I’m now pregnant again 36 weeks tomorrow.

My only advice would be to pray and talk to someone about the grief it will help. Make sure you are emotionally well enough and physically well enough to have another one when you go to try to have one. Otherwise use NFP. Don’t wait to long though I made that mistake and regret it…

DoT
 
I’m so sorry for your loss.

Perhaps a part-time job or volunteer position to get you out of the house, meeting new people, and thinking of other things is in order.

My prayers are with you.
 
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