Miscarriage & Insensitive Inlaws

[Listener]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. However, just from reading your post, I can’t see where your in-laws are terrible. They were busy when you needed them to babysit. Maybe they really had something pressing going on and couldn’t take on the burden of watching three children. What if they had medical appointments they couldn’t miss, jobs they needed to do, commitments they couldn’t break, etc. It is very nice when grandparents babysit, but they can’t always do that. Also, they might not have realized that you were losing the baby.

They did come to the funeral, which was nice of them. I have been to many funerals where the family goes out for a meal after the service is over and after the reception for the public has taken place. And they will definitely have some wine. At Catholic funerals there is many times definitely a mood of celebration.

As far as the other pregnancy is concerned, she simply may not know that this upsets you.

Unless you have many other reasons to prove that these are “horrible people,” what you said in your post just doesn’t make them seem all that bad.

If they really are horrible people, it should by your husband’s responsibility to speak to them.

 

[Just_wondering]

You know, I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation - not just yours, Dawn, but the situations of so many people who have lost a child or anyone dear to them. It strikes me that anybody on the outside of the situation tends to make rude, insensitive, and completely obnoxious comments. I’m blown away at how people don’t know basic manners.

I’m a teacher - I teach English as a foreign language - and I’ve started teaching some cultural sensitivity stuff in my classes to tell people what kind of stuff is appropriate to say, and what isn’t. I think that kind of subject needs to be taught in high schools, as part of the curriculum. It seems to me that people just aren’t learning it at home anymore.

I’ve heard some horrible stories of what people have said to women who’ve had miscarriages. “The baby was probably going to be handicapped anyway.” “It’s just a fetus. It wasn’t a baby yet.” “You can always have more kids.” “You didn’t need another kid anyway.” I wonder whether those people would say the same horrible things if the couple had lost an older child. “Oh, don’t worry, Johnny probably would’ve ended up a criminal anyway.” “God has his reasons - maybe Susie would have been a horrible teenager, and God is sparing you that!” If they wouldn’t say that, why would it be okay to say the other?

Anyway, I think parents should teach their children how to comfort grieving people and those in need. Everybody should learn a few polite phrases to say in times of loss. Beyond that, they should learn not to try to justify what happened. Silence and a shoulder to cry on are sometimes all that’s needed.

 

[aboverubies]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. However, just from reading your post, I can’t see where your in-laws are terrible. They were busy when you needed them to babysit. Maybe they really had something pressing going on and couldn’t take on the burden of watching three children. What if they had medical appointments they couldn’t miss, jobs they needed to do, commitments they couldn’t break, etc. It is very nice when grandparents babysit, but they can’t always do that. Also, they might not have realized that you were losing the baby.

They did come to the funeral, which was nice of them. I have been to many funerals where the family goes out for a meal after the service is over and after the reception for the public has taken place. And they will definitely have some wine. At Catholic funerals there is many times definitely a mood of celebration.

As far as the other pregnancy is concerned, she simply may not know that this upsets you.

Unless you have many other reasons to prove that these are “horrible people,” what you said in your post just doesn’t make them seem all that bad.

If they really are horrible people, it should by your husband’s responsibility to speak to them.

Yes, mother-in-law knows that what she is saying upsets her daughter-in-law, she said it herself. (bolded in quote below) Perhaps you could re-read the quote and really listen to Dawn’s words.

In the past four months, I have been emotionally blundgeoned by these people, who find every excuse in the world to share details of their only daughter’s first pregnancy with me. The daughter and I were initially due just three weeks apart, so every time there is an announcement about her pregnancy, it is like a knife to my heart. My mother in law actually visited two months after our son died with her daughter and repeatedly rubbed her belly in front of me and asked if we all wanted to read her online pregnancy report about how far along the baby was that week. I finally snapped when she told me she was going to e-mail me pictures of her daughter’s profile!! I told her to please stop sharing this info with me, because it hurts. She seemed surprised. Within a few days, she was beginning conversations with “I know you said it hurts you to hear about XX’s pregnancy, but…(insert lengthy detail here about pregnancy).” My only defense has been to ignore her calls.

It strikes me that anybody on the outside of the situation tends to make rude, insensitive, and completely obnoxious comments. I’m blown away at how people don’t know basic manners.

Amen!!!

“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

 

[OldAgeGuru]

Yes, mother-in-law knows that what she is saying upsets her daughter-in-law, she said it herself. (bolded in quote below) Perhaps you could re-read the quote and really listen to Dawn’s words.
."

OK, well I’m just gonna put this out there.

Perhaps her mother in law is trying in her own way to get her daughter in law out of what appears to be a depression. She knows that Dawn loves babies and she’s trying to get her to think about something that is exciting and positive, re: her sister in laws first baby.

While I do understand that losing a child before birth and afterwards is hard and traumatic, unfortunately life still goes on, and her sister in law is still having her baby. Her mother in law is obviously excited about her daughters child. Dawn is still grieving, and has every right to, but she also needs to maybe put herself in her mother in laws shoes, or her sister in laws shoes and realize that while her loss was horrible and painful, there is still joy and happiness to be had in the world.

Maybe her MIL is just not communicating with Dawn the way Dawn wants her to, but it could be a two way street. Maybe the two of them need to go out to lunch and sit down and hash things out in a polite and mannered way.

 

[Phemie]

Everyone deals with a miscarriage differently. I had 2 and I rationalized everything to the point where I never felt a need to grieve. The only time I got very upset was with the first one when I was put in a double room in the hospital and as I was having contractions that I knew were going to result in the loss of my 12 wk old baby the patient in the other bed constantly asked me ‘how it felt’.

Mom came to stay with out 1 year old daughter when I had the first one and MIL came to stay with her 6 mo. later when I had a second one. Neither moms seemed particularly upset by the losses, even though Mom had been through a miscarriage herself. She never seemed particularly upset when she referred to her own, which was rarely.

Reading posts here make me wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

 

[aboverubies]

People!!!

The point is that Dawn has come here asking for prayer in a stuation that she is finding incredibly difficult.

She has asked us to pray for her.

It doesn’t matter what we think about the situation.

It doesn’t matter if some handled their miscarriages just fine.

It doesn’t matter how someone’s sisters’ cousins’ neighbour handled her miscarriage back in 1953.

It doesn’t matter if some don’t think that the in-laws score all that highly on the horrible in-laws scale.

It doesn’t matter that some are not impressed with her reasons for thinking her in-laws are horrible.

Dawn is hurting. She has asked us to pray for her.

Just pray!!!

:knight2:

 

[DiannaK]

no words … just hugs for you, Dawn

 

[DiannaK]

Dawn is still grieving, and has every right to, but she also needs to maybe put herself in her mother in laws shoes, or her sister in laws shoes and realize that while her loss was horrible and painful, there is still joy and happiness to be had in the world.

respectfully … I completely disagree with you. As a mother who has miscarried in the past, the last thing I wanted to hear was how I "should be over it’, or how I needed to be over my grief.

Everyone grieves differently, and on their own time frame. It’s never up to us, who are outsiders, to decide for the person actually experiencing the loss.

 

[dkoinzan]

I have living children and children who have died and I love them all the same. The two children who’s lifeless bodies I held both died before birth. I am careful how I speak around my family who have had a lose and I don’t know why it seems people don’t owe me the same respect. My children who died were no less my children and they are certainly cherished, loved and wanted. I do not pretend to understand why a Mother-in-law would not try to comfort her son and his wife.

During our last family reunion my aunt made a huge production over the newborns of that year. It crushed me because I had buried two newborn children that year. I wanted to celebrate with my family, but it crushed me. They were opening gifts and holding there little ones. I spent the time trying to get myself together in the bathroom. They could have easily exchanged gifts before or after I left. Of course life goes on and I am so happy that it does. It gets easier and they won’t need to be so careful forever, but they can at least be kind and considerate for a time.

I am not always very good explaining myself, so forgive me if this comes out wrong. God is closest to us during our suffering. I don’t long for the suffering I have went through buring my children, but I do long to be that close to Jesus again. There was such a piecefulness that seems distant to me right now. Let him comfort you.

 

[drafdog]

You are suffering through the grieving process. This is normal. What is not normal is the amount of agrivation from your in-laws. The pain of a miscarriage/still birth is unimaginable. You probably would benefit from therapy to help you through the grieving process. Contact your physician for a referal to a good therapist. Both you and your family will benefit from the help.
My wife needed help after a miscarriage and the therapy got her through some very grim times.

Matthew

 

[OldAgeGuru]

respectfully … I completely disagree with you. As a mother who has miscarried in the past, the last thing I wanted to hear was how I "should be over it’, or how I needed to be over my grief.

Everyone grieves differently, and on their own time frame. It’s never up to us, who are outsiders, to decide for the person actually experiencing the loss.

I was very careful in my post to not say she should be over it. I understand that it can take quite a chunk of time to get over a loss, whether it’s a parent, sibling, adult child or unborn child. What I meant by my comment was not that she needs to get over herself, but that unfortunately, even though there are times when we all want it to, the world does not revolve around us. We all have periods in our lives that are difficult, perhaps soul crushing, and sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions that we can’t see anything else going on. It’s difficult, but other peoples lives go on. Her sister in law was pregnant and the end result hopefully will be a new addition to the family, which is a cause for great happiness.

That said, she lost the child 4 months ago, and has been secretly crying in the bathroom. It seemed to me like her mother in law is aware of the mental health aspect of the situation and was trying to snap her out of it, I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same thing for one of my friends, in fact trying to snap one of my friends out of a funk is the least I would do. If one of them told me that she was secretly crying in the bathroom I would encourage them to seek some theraputic help from her priest, a social worker or a therapist.

 

[yessisan]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. However, just from reading your post, I can’t see where your in-laws are terrible. They were busy when you needed them to babysit. Maybe they really had something pressing going on and couldn’t take on the burden of watching three children. What if they had medical appointments they couldn’t miss, jobs they needed to do, commitments they couldn’t break, etc. It is very nice when grandparents babysit, but they can’t always do that. Also, they might not have realized that you were losing the baby.

**Don’t you think that the parents of her husband were insensitive enough to not take care of Dawn’s children when she was in the hospital giving birth to her dead baby?!? **

As far as the other pregnancy is concerned, she simply may not know that this upsets you.

**She did point out she has told her she doesn’t want to hear about it. Have you ever lost a child? I have. 2 months ago. And you don’t know HOW MUCH IT HURTS to hear about other women’s pregnancies when you were supposed to be pregnant still! **

Unless you have many other reasons to prove that these are “horrible people,” what you said in your post just doesn’t make them seem all that bad.

I would’ve reacted the same way, or worse. She was losing her baby and acting the way they acted, it makes the horrible and insensitive people.

OK, well I’m just gonna put this out there.

Perhaps her mother in law is trying in her own way to get her daughter in law out of what appears to be a depression. She knows that Dawn loves babies and she’s trying to get her to think about something that is exciting and positive, re: her sister in laws first baby.

Dawn has all the right to be depressed. Her MIL shouldn’t be acting this way even if she wants her to feel better. Everyone grieves differently and it takes time, especially when the person you lost is not acknowledged as a person at all. People don’t seem to understand that losing a baby thru miscarriage is one of the most painful experiences in the world. I know this because I just lost my baby too.

While I do understand that losing a child before birth and afterwards is hard and traumatic, unfortunately life still goes on, and her sister in law is still having her baby. Her mother in law is obviously excited about her daughters child. Dawn is still grieving, and has every right to, but she also needs to maybe put herself in her mother in laws shoes, or her sister in laws shoes and realize that while her loss was horrible and painful, there is still joy and happiness to be had in the world.

Dawn has all the right to not want to hear about the SIL’s pregnancy. They were supposed to be do around the same time. It hurts to see other pregnant women, especially when they are as far as you were supposed to be in your own pregnancy. You said it yourself, it’s traumatic and life does go on, but for a mother, to lose her child, her world is not the same ever again. Her life changed dramatically in one day. I’m happy for the women who are having healthy pregnancies, but it doesn’t mean that another woman can come to me and rub in in my face that her daughter’s baby’s doing good when she knows I’m hurting a lot. Dawn’s MIL has no right to do this!

Maybe her MIL is just not communicating with Dawn the way Dawn wants her to, but it could be a two way street. Maybe the two of them need to go out to lunch and sit down and hash things out in a polite and mannered way.

This is a good idea, but when you have been hurt when you lose a baby, you take things to heart more than you would have in any other occasion. Maybe Dawn won’t be able to do it, not just yet. My mom told me 6 days after I lost my aby 2 months ago that I needed to get over it because it wasn’t even a baby… It was MY BABY. How dare she speak to me that way? I was very angry at her, I didn’t speak to her for a few wks… and I still feel like my blood boils when I remember the comments my friends, coworkers and family said to me. The women here on CAF who have lost babies and even some who haven’ have been the greatest support for me.

**Dawn, **I invite you to come and post and vent all you want to this thread: Mommies of Little Saints Women there will not judge you or give you the kind of comments you are getting here from some posters. We’re all mom’s who have lost our little ones. Some of the lovely ladies who have commented here have commented there.

 

[yessisan]

I was very careful in my post to not say she should be over it. I understand that it can take quite a chunk of time to get over a loss, whether it’s a parent, sibling, adult child or unborn child. What I meant by my comment was not that she needs to get over herself, but that unfortunately, even though there are times when we all want it to, the world does not revolve around us. We all have periods in our lives that are difficult, perhaps soul crushing, and sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions that we can’t see anything else going on. It’s difficult, but other peoples lives go on. Her sister in law was pregnant and the end result hopefully will be a new addition to the family, which is a cause for great happiness.

You are right, the world doesn’t revolve around us, but we feel like our entire world has been crushed. Have you heard of post-partum depression? Women who lose babies thru a miscarriage (or are stillborn), can still get that. I thought I had it, maybe I do. Unfortunately, people don’t understand that to us, our worlds seem like they have ended or at least come to a big long pause. Her SIL’s baby is a great addition to the family, but like I said before, it hurts her because she was supposed to be as far along as her in her pregnancy. It’s been 2 months for me as of today, and it hurts like nothing else when I see a baby or when I see a pregnant woman. Even if it were family or a very good friend, the grieving doesn’t allow you to be happy. It makes you angry and jealous, not that you want to be, but it’s automatic. Why can they have their babies and not us? That’s the type of mentality we’re stuck with for I don’t know how long. Yes, now after 2 months I can see a baby and smile, but seeing pregnant women is like I’m being stabbed straight in the heart. I’m pretty sure that’s what Dawn might be feeling.

That said, she lost the child 4 months ago, and has been secretly crying in the bathroom. It seemed to me like her mother in law is aware of the mental health aspect of the situation and was trying to snap her out of it, I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same thing for one of my friends, in fact trying to snap one of my friends out of a funk is the least I would do. If one of them told me that she was secretly crying in the bathroom I would encourage them to seek some theraputic help from her priest, a social worker or a therapist.

She can’t snap out of it. Your intentions seem very well intentioned, but it’s not like that. This is why she’s mad and hurting. I ask you to please never tell anyone that if it’s a friend, stranger, family or whomever. Those comments are the ones that hurt the most. Encouraging to seek a therapist or a priest and offering your prayers are the best thing you can do. Nothing else helps. Telling us to get over it because it’s been 2 months, 4 months, or a year doesn’t help. It just makes us think you’re being insensitive and we’ll get mad at you, even if your intentions were good. That’s why I was so angry at the world when I got those comments.

 

[rayne89]

It seemed to me like her mother in law is aware of the mental health aspect of the situation and was trying to snap her out of it, I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same thing for one of my friends, in fact trying to snap one of my friends out of a funk is the least I would do. If one of them told me that she was secretly crying in the bathroom I would encourage them to seek some theraputic help from her priest, a social worker or a therapist.

It is not your place to “snap” someone out of grieving from the loss of thier child. This is not a “funk”, this is grief -and the appropriate length of it is not to be determined by others. This isn’t “the world” this is family who of all people should be most sensitive and understanding. The most compassionate thing you could do for a friend who was secretely crying in the bathroom is allow her to talk about her grief, to cry with her and not minimize her pain.

Her MIL is either completely ignorant or utterly insensitive. I can’t understand how someone could not understand how inappropriate it is to continuely draw attention to a pregnant family member’s belly and lengthy information about the baby’s progress to another family member who has experienced a miscarriage.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

It is not your place to “snap” someone out of grieving from the loss of thier child. This is not a “funk”, this is grief -and the appropriate length of it is not to be determined by others. I understand that, my friends aren’t in the have babies stage yet. We’re in the get married and buy houses stage. When my friends are feeling upset or anxious, I try to help them. This isn’t “the world” this is family who of all people should be most sensitive and understanding. Yes they should be understanding, I agree wholeheartedly with this. However, what I am saying is that perhaps her mother in law is trying in her own way to help coax her out of her depression. Which won’t work, because she probably needs professsional help, but this is all her MIL knows how to do so she’s doing it. It’s like when someone dies and you make a casserole. It doesn’t help, it doesn’t do anything for the person who’s suffered a loss, but it makes the person who made it feel better because they are trying to do something nice. The most compassionate thing you could do for a friend who was secretely crying in the bathroom is allow her to talk about her grief, to cry with her and not minimize her pain. I’m a social worker, I don’t minimize pain. I do however call out baloney from my friends when I see it, I also call out my friends in a friendly manner, when I see behavior that isn’t their usual affect.

Her MIL is either completely ignorant or utterly insensitive. I can’t understand how someone could not understand how inappropriate it is to continuely draw attention to a pregnant family member’s belly and lengthy information about the baby’s progress to another family member who has experienced a miscarriage.I think they are just speaking two different languages. Her MIL has noticed that it has been going on 5 months that her daughter in law has been “off” and is trying in her own way to cheer her up. She may think that she’s depressed, and trying to involve her in something she enjoys, and is excited by may help her to “snap out of it” Now I know that you don’t just snap out of a depression, but perhaps her MIL just doesn’t know how to handle the situation. I have sympathy for all parties involved here. I just don’t like to jump on the her in laws are cruddy people with no common sense bandwagon. Theres three sides to every story, and we only have one. I just don’t want to judge anyone. I’m simply trying to suggest that perhaps it’s miscommunication and depression that are playing the biggest role in the current conflict as opposed to horrible inlaws with no feeling.

 

[maria29]

I miscarried at 4 month as well (although the fetus was more like 1-2 months of growth). I think its important that everyone works through they’re grief differently.

I do want to say that with depression (especially of the PPD variety) it’s extremely easy to feel slighted at every word, action and deed whether its intended or not. I know because I"ve been there and felt those things. Only after getting better did I realize that many time that I felt a certain way, I was actually misunderstanding the person, situation etc.

PP are correct that this is a story that has more than one side and since his parents are here to tell their side its hard to discern the motives behind everything.

I will definitely be keeping you in your prayers and please see a counselor to help you through this grief.

 

[deb1]

I had a miscarriage many, many years ago. One thing that I learned is that you never completely get over the grief, but the pain will gradually lessen over time. I am so sorry for not only the loss of your child but that you have insensitive inlaws. Keep in mind though, that they might not be purposely hurting you. Perhaps they are simply ignorant of the pain that they are causing. Sometimes people can be amazingly dense.

 

[mommamia]

It has been over 10yrs since my two miscarriages, and I still feel an empty spot when I see a big family with children “stair stepped” and realize that two of my “steps” are missing. I do not think I should have to “get over it” nor that its balony. Yes I had to go on with life, and I had two beautiful children afterwards, but I still lost two children. and it still hurts sometimes.
But, one thing I came to understand, is that no-one really understands. No-one else felt that life move within them, no-one else had a chance to develope that bond, even my husband. While he was incredibly supportive, he did not feel my pain like he would have with one of the other children. He even admitted when our youngest was in the NICU barely hanging onto life, that he didn’t think he felt it as strongly as I did, having never even had the chance to hold her. But that didn’t stop him from being there for me, and sheltering me from those who didn’t understand. I only recently found out my MIL had told him that it “may be for the best” if my youngest didn’t make it. Since she thought we didn’t need anymore kids. I can’t imagine what I would have done if he had not decided to keep her away from me at that time, he even told the nursed to not let her in if I was there.
Your husband should speak up to his mother, or his sister and try to explain it to them.
I will still be praying for you, and sending a big virtual hug.

 

[Arlene]

I am so sorry you have to deal with that insensitivity. I didn’t hear those kinds of comments from family, thank goodness. The ones from family were more of the “you can try again” variety.

The most hurtful comment I ever heard was from a coworker whose husband was the minister at some tiny independent church, who though I was going to hell because I was Catholic.
She said my baby died because my prayers weren’t sincere enough. Because the Bible tells us that we get whatever we pray for, and God will heal people if we believe strongly enough that he will, and since He didn’t heal my son, then it was my faulty belief and not praying hard enough.

That cut through me like a knife because the truth was, I never did pray for my baby not to die. I prayed for strength to get through the ordeal, I prayed for acceptance of God’s will, I prayed for peace, for comfort, for submission, for faith, for grace, but never did I pray for him not to die. I wore my rosary around my neck throughout the delivery and until I was discharged the next day. I prayed to Mary to give me the strength to watch my son die as she did. I prayed that I would have the grace and humility to submit to God’s will as she did. I prayed to have the same faith as she did that God knew what he was doing.

But I never prayed for him not to die.

A few years later we were at a huge family reunion. My neice printed out a spreadsheet that listed who was who, what children belonged to which person, etc. I looked at my name and there was listed my husband, and my subsequent daughter who was almost 2 at the time. I felt that familiar knife stabbing feeling again. I went to my sister and started bawling as I told her “You forgot Anthony.” She told me that her daughter (my neice) had asked her how to handle it and they decided together that it might be too hurtful for me to see his name there. I told her it hurt worse for it not to be there. My neice revised the sheet and gave out new copies to everyone.

I am so sorry that the people who should love you the most are not there for you. Take as much time as you need. I am crying as I type this, and my son would be 16 next month.

 

[mdmealey]

OK, well I’m just gonna put this out there.

Perhaps her mother in law is trying in her own way to get her daughter in law out of what appears to be a depression. .

Dear OldAgeGuru:

I’m pretty stunned by your lack of compassion. You are the only person who has ever tried to justify my in-laws’ being “busy” when we asked them to help us. My MiL has flown across the country to attend a routine doctor’s appointment with her daughter. But they are “busy” when we ask them to care for our children so I can go to the hospital to deliver our dead child??? We had two friends who had numerous children each–both with newborns that I would rather not have had to see three hours after delivering our son–who sacrificed for our family to care for our kids. If you can’t count on your family to step up when someone DIES, why call them “family”?

It is clear to me that you have never experienced the loss of a child, or your advice would not be so callous. Your explanations of my in laws’ behavior is laughable–that they are trying to “snap me out of a depression” by gloating over my SiL’s pregnancy in front of me less than two months after he died. Are you seroius? The idea that their insensitivity is somehow a surreptitious means of being kind to me is quite a novel idea.

I’m not sure if you really understand what happened. I didn’t just get pregnant and miscarry before I knew I was pregnant. (which can be painful in itself.) I had to go through a horribly painful labor and delivery knowing my child was coming out of me dead. I actually delivered on my own in the bathroom, with so much blood that it looked like a crime scene. I have to wonder if you experienced the trauma of catching your own dead child in your bloody hands if you would be so unfeeling about how my husband’s parents have treated me.

The day after my son’s funeral, I had to go shopping for new clothes because none of mine fit anymore. (I was so sick I had lost a lot of weight during the pregnancy.) My MiL could not resist picking over the maternity clothes for her daughter right in front of me.I went numb from grief, but perhaps she was just trying to “snap me out of my self-centeredness.”

I thank God that you are not one of my relatives, because I can only imagine what kind of callous treatment I would have received from you during this painful period of my life.

To everyone else:
Many thanks to those who have shared their stories and their pain on here. It has been such a godsend to read that others feel the same and have suffered the same struggles. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel totally alone in this. I have cried so much in the past few days, but more out of a sense of gratitude than out of painful sorrow. I wish I had come to the forums long ago, because I believe so much of my pain would have been mitigated through the prayers and kindness of you all.

In Christ,
Dawn