Miscarriage & Insensitive Inlaws

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mdmealey said:
Dear OldAgeGuru:

I’m pretty stunned by your lack of compassion. You are the only person who has ever tried to justify my in-laws’ being “busy” when we asked them to help us. My MiL has flown across the country to attend a routine doctor’s appointment with her daughter. But they are “busy” when we ask them to care for our children so I can go to the hospital to deliver our dead child??? We had two friends who had numerous children each–both with newborns that I would rather not have had to see three hours after delivering our son–who sacrificed for our family to care for our kids. If you can’t count on your family to step up when someone DIES, why call them “family”? I never said anything about your in laws being busy, in fact I never brought it up.

It is clear to me that you have never experienced the loss of a child, or your advice would not be so callous. Your explanations of my in laws’ behavior is laughable–that they are trying to “snap me out of a depression” by gloating over my SiL’s pregnancy in front of me less than two months after he died. Are you seroius? The idea that their insensitivity is somehow a surreptitious means of being kind to me is quite a novel idea. No I haven’t lost a child, I’m not married yet. I do have a sister who has children and had a difficult time getting pregnant. I certainly wasn’t callous. When she was having a bad day I was there to listen to her, if we were in town together we went out for lunch, to see a movie go shopping whatever, but you painting me as cold and unfeeling because I don’t necessarily see things from your perspective really makes me think you need to see a professional.

I’m not sure if you really understand what happened. I didn’t just get pregnant and miscarry before I knew I was pregnant. (which can be painful in itself.) I had to go through a horribly painful labor and delivery knowing my child was coming out of me dead. I actually delivered on my own in the bathroom, with so much blood that it looked like a crime scene. I have to wonder if you experienced the trauma of catching your own dead child in your bloody hands if you would be so unfeeling about how my husband’s parents have treated me.I get that you feel slighted and angry, but I only have heard your side of the story. I don’t know your in laws side, and I won’t judge them

The day after my son’s funeral, I had to go shopping for new clothes because none of mine fit anymore. (I was so sick I had lost a lot of weight during the pregnancy.) My MiL could not resist picking over the maternity clothes for her daughter right in front of me.I went numb from grief, but perhaps she was just trying to “snap me out of my self-centeredness.” Well my question here is less about what is definetly insensitive behavior from your mother in law, and more about your inconsistent story. You couldn’t stand to see your friends with small children, yet the day after the funeral you went shopping with your mother in law who you believe has treated you poorly and your very pregnant sister in law. You’re sending mixed messages. Some of the problems are your doing. You can call me every name in the book for saying that, but everyone in the present situation has some blame to bear.

I thank God that you are not one of my relatives, because I can only imagine what kind of callous treatment I would have received from you during this painful period of my life.Well I’m sorry you feel that way.

To everyone else:
Many thanks to those who have shared their stories and their pain on here. It has been such a godsend to read that others feel the same and have suffered the same struggles. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel totally alone in this. I have cried so much in the past few days, but more out of a sense of gratitude than out of painful sorrow. I wish I had come to the forums long ago, because I believe so much of my pain would have been mitigated through the prayers and kindness of you all. 🙂

In Christ,
Dawn
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What is inconsistent about going shopping with your inlaws because they are in town? I never said that my SIL was there, either. My MiL was looking at clothes to buy for her.

I never ever would have believed someone could blame me for being upset that my relatives were so insensitive. Refusing to help when we desperately needed them…shopping for maternity clothes in front of me the day after my son’s funeral…rubbing my SIL’s belly and checking online pregnancy reports in front of me just two months after his death…sending me pictures of my SIL’s pregnant belly just three months after he died…continuing to gloat about her pregnancy after I asked them to stop. You’re right…I am just overreacting and need professional help for not being able to see things from their perspective.

You know what, just forget it. You are obviously completely unmoved by the suffering I have experienced and that others have shared on here, or your contribution would be something other than blaming the victim. I find that the people who defend bad behavior are usually the ones who see themselves in the perpetrator.

May God teach you compassion for others in a way less painful than he has taught me.
 
I never said that I was unmoved by people’s stories here. I also never said that you didn’t have the right to grieve the way you felt was necessary for as long as you felt was necessary. I was simply saying that I haven’t heard your mother in laws side of the story, and that I won’t validate the idea that your in laws are horrible people without hearing their side of the story.

I understand that your upset, and that’s perfectly fine and acceptable, and from here on out, I’m bowing out of the conversation.
 
I’m one of those people who is disposed to think the best about people. That most people are not out there trying to hurt others, but, are really just trying to do the best they can. For most people, they do not try to hurt others, they simply make mistakes or are uninformed.

Chances are, your mother in law and sister in law do not sit around saying "yep, she sure is hurting. I know, let’s make it even WORSE for her (cue evil laugh) - we will go over and shop for clothes, and I will be sure to rub your belly. Now, you look nice and preggers so it really rips her up. (cue more evil laughter and lightening outside…)

Everyone deals with loss in a differnet way. Maybe, just maybe, your inlaws simply do not know how hurt you are? Maybe they DO have good intentions? Has your husband sat down and told them that you feel like they are ripping you apart and that they are intentionally hurting you?

Is there even the off chance that they do not intend to hurt you,but, to be happy for the daughter? Just as poeple cannot commit mortal sin without intention, let’s not demonize people without knowing the intention.

Prayers for you. I lost our second child on Feb 18, 15 years ago. No one will remember that date except me. I will spend that day in prayer.
 
Kage–
In my mind, some of the things they have done defy the most basic expectations of human decency–like saying you’re too busy to help with the kids when we were in such desperate need and browsing for maternity clothes for one’s daughter the day after our son’s funeral. My best attempts at being charitable fail here.

But even charitably assuming they are just not thinking about anyone other than themselves for the rest of the stuff, please remember that I asked my MiL specifically to stop sharing constant details about my SiL’s pregnancy because it hurts me. That only caused her to begin conversations with “I know it hurts you to hear about this, but…”

These things happened within a three month period of our son’s death. I’m sure the intention is to be happy for their daughter. I can certainly understand being happy about having another grandchild. But they live 10 minutes from each other in another state and spend copious amounts of time together. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that they reserve the most effusive expressions of their happiness for the times when they are not sitting in front of a family member whose child died two months ago and who would be just as far along in her pregnancy if he hadn’t died. And I did ask them to stop after three months, to no avail.

I wrote the message and asked for prayers. Thanks for yours.
 
I’m not sure if you really understand what happened. I didn’t just get pregnant and miscarry before I knew I was pregnant. (which can be painful in itself.) I had to go through a horribly painful labor and delivery knowing my child was coming out of me dead. I actually delivered on my own in the bathroom, with so much blood that it looked like a crime scene
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I just want you to know I have gone though this. With a baby 5 weeks gestational age less than yours – so I can’t imagine how much worse it must have been. And to me – it’s been by far the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. You don’t need to “snap out of” anything. If anything, your SIL needs to snap her mom out of being a callous you-know-what.😦
 
Dear Dawn, It was much easier for me to share my grief with good safe strangers—They were not emotionally involved like relatives— I chose carefully**----Compassionate Friends support **group!! The “strangers” were other parents at Compassionate firends grief support group—They had suffered the loss of their children and knew the agony. They knew that just sharing/ talking it out lightens the load–the agony of carrying it inside…That is part of the grief process–crying and talking—It helps…
My husband also did not feel the closeness to the baby and the loss–that is natural and the usual way–they don’t feel the baby the way mom does…He did not need to grieve like I did.

I also got alot out of reading --Good Mourning-help in time of Pregnancy Loss by Morrow and DeHamer, Grieving the Loss of someone you love by Mitsch and Brookside.

It is important to go thru the grief–get it out talking, crying, writing–Don’t hold it in…

Forgiving those who are ignorant will help your pain – choose to forgive them…Praying for them and asking God to help you forgive them. I certainly had no idea of the pain/agony of a miscarriage until I went thru it…
With time and grief work–the pain will lessen—Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.
God Bless you…
 
I would like to add a little more to my post. I think some people thought I was being insensitive because I didn’t acknowledge how badly the poster was treated by her in-laws.

I know how upsetting miscarriage can be. I had two of them back in the 1960’s. At the time, my mother lived far away and my mother-in-law worked full time. It didn’t even enter my mind to ask my mother-in-law to help me, since I knew she was busy. In fact, when I had my first miscarriage, I had no one to help me take care of the baby that I already had. I was supposed to be lying down, but most of you know that is impossible when you have a baby to take care of. I wasn’t as far along as the person who started this post. By 16 weeks, I’m sure the baby is fully formed, and the loss is much harder to deal with.

Back then, I don’t think there was any sympathy at all for women who lost children through miscarriage. If women go in the bathroom, shut the door, and cry, that is probably a healthy thing to do. They say that tears contain a healing substance. Unfortunately, in our society it is just not considered okay to cry. In other countries, people moan and wail in public when there is a death in the family.

Since I am now a Grandma, I tend to look at things from a Grandma’s point of view. I feel that if the poster was told that Grandma couldn’t take care of her children, this was probably not meant as in insult. Even though I am a grandma myself and spend a lot of time watching my grandchildren, I can tell you that it can be a very difficult job. I just don’t have the energy I had when I was younger. So if a grandma tells a daughter-in-law that she can’t watch her kids, it is probably because she really feels that she can’t. I just don’t see why she is wasting energy telling herself that her mother-in-law was trying to be mean to her.
 
mdmealey said:
I woke up this morning with a headache from crying so long last night, as I wrote my original message. But now I have tears from reading the responses on here. I’m so grateful for your prayers. And thank you all so much who have “been there.” Part of what makes this so difficult is that I feel so lonely. My husband is wonderful, but he has admitted he simply isn’t as devastated as me because I was the one who carried the child. Neither of my closest friends have ever gone through this and the wonderful women at our parish, while many of them have miscarried, are now busy raising their large families.

Thanks so much for the suggestions, hugs, and prayers. It is a sad thing when one feels like they need the support of strangers online because one can’t get it in the family, but I thank God that I live in a time when I can reach out electronically to my brothers and sisters in Christ for help. And they respond.:o

In Christ,
Dawn
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Dawn,

:console: I’m so sorry for your loss and for your deep suffering. Don’t think that you are abnormal for feeling crushed around other pregnant women. This is a very normal, gut wrenching reaction, the loss is so sudden and severe, and these women are a constant reminder of that day of tragedy for you.

I suffered the loss of my child at 8 weeks gestation, on my birthday, and I suffered through the grieving process for well over a year. I cried every single day, I wondered if there would ever come a day when I wouldn’t cry for my child. I couldn’t celebrate my birthday for many years after that, I just would be overcome with only what I can call a fresh mourning. I could not bring myself to go to baby showers or small children’s birthday parties for several years. But in time, the pain lessened and eventually I was able to be happy for others again, and share in their miracles of life without ever forgetting my own little one, who is waiting for that blessed reunion.

My prayers are with you, and although I know that often it’s hard to feel close to God in times like these, He has not forsaken you and is holding you and your lost little one even if you can’t feel it. Your child is safe and loved.

God bless you and comfort you.
 
OldAgeGuru said:
OK, well I’m just gonna put this out there.

Perhaps her mother in law is trying in her own way to get her daughter in law out of what appears to be a depression. She knows that Dawn loves babies and she’s trying to get her to think about something that is exciting and positive, re: her sister in laws first baby.

While I do understand that losing a child before birth and afterwards is hard and traumatic, unfortunately life still goes on, and her sister in law is still having her baby. Her mother in law is obviously excited about her daughters child. Dawn is still grieving, and has every right to, but she also needs to maybe put herself in her mother in laws shoes, or her sister in laws shoes and realize that while her loss was horrible and painful, there is still joy and happiness to be had in the world.

Maybe her MIL is just not communicating with Dawn the way Dawn wants her to, but it could be a two way street. Maybe the two of them need to go out to lunch and sit down and hash things out in a polite and mannered way.
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Wow.

I think what is really going on is a distinct opinion in valuing a baby at 16 weeks versus a baby at 40 weeks, or 90 weeks.

If Dawn was talking about a 3 year old that was run over by a truck, or a 15 year old that was struck by an illness and died, would you still write this post?

To the OP: tell MIL to be nice or drop it. What she is doing is nothing less than emotional abuse. People like that can drive you into physical and mental illness.

You have a right to grieve over your lost baby and if the people who call themselves “family” won’t be there for you, aren’t weeping by your side, then please don’t stop searching for a group who will.

Psychology 101. Grieving goes through stages. Noone should ever have to hear people tell them to get over it. How horrible.
 
Hi Dawn.
I just came across this because I was searching thru many forums for advice on how to handle IL and m/c.

I’m so sorry if this post triggers more sorrow. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry you had to deal with insensitive remarks from IL and some posters.

Prayers -
JV

Romans 8:28
 
I’m sending you a big hug and sympathy and prayers today. I have experienced many of the same things with my inlaws too and I know how much it hurts. Don’t let all of this come between you and your husband though. While it may be difficult for your husband to show anger towards his parents he should be very kind to you.When a child is lost often times men deal with the pain differently than women. The best thing that you can do now is to give yourself time and space and have limited contact or no contact with in-laws until you are strong enough to deal with their insenstive attiudes. It is OK to treat yourself very well right now. Your in-laws may never change but you can insist on boundaries to protect yourself. And remember time has a way of changing everything. In the meantime sit back and heal and then love your family and go on and live a beautiful life. God Bless.
 
I am so sorry that you’re having to endure this, and from your in-laws at that. I cannot begin to imagine your source of pain, but please know that God is good and He’ll be there for you.

I know it may not be the easiest thing to do, but please continue to ignore your MIL until you see fit to be able to handle her lack of empathy.

Has she always been so cold and hateful?
 
The last post for the OP was Feb, 08. Unfortunately, she won’t see your responses.
 
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