Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Neonatal Death Memorial Service

[Rita88]

How would you conduct it?

 

[SMHW]

This is a bit hard to answer without some more context.

Are you talking about a service for a particular child or is this a memorial for many such children?

Is this a memorial service (as opposed to a funeral)? If it’s actually a funeral then it would be conducted according to the stand rites for a child who dies before baptism.

If it’s a memorial service then my question is whether this is a regularly scheduled liturgy or a special one? Will this be a Mass? Or will it be some other kind of service? If not a Mass, will be it be conducted by a priest, a deacon, or a layperson?

 

[Rita88]

This is a bit hard to answer without some more context.

Are you talking about a service for a particular child or is this a memorial for many such children?

Is this a memorial service (as opposed to a funeral)? If it’s actually a funeral then it would be conducted according to the stand rites for a child who dies before baptism.

If it’s a memorial service then my question is whether this is a regularly scheduled liturgy or a special one? Will this be a Mass? Or will it be some other kind of service? If not a Mass, will be it be conducted by a priest, a deacon, or a layperson?

It will be a memorial service, funerals were never conducted. In memory of my own children - plural.

I’m anglican, my vicar and curate have enlisted the help of the Archdeacon from our diocese… other than that I don’t know. We’re meeting today to discuss it.

 

[brotherhrolf]

I lost two children to miscarriage and there was no service or Mass. My dear friend lost one child to stillbirth and a second lived a day. Seeing him carry those two little white coffins up to the altar was devastating. If we are to believe that life begins at conception, it is only right to remember that life and to console the parents instead of telling the male to keep his mouth shut - as was done to me.

 

[Rita88]

I lost two children to miscarriage and there was no service or Mass. My dear friend lost one child to stillbirth and a second lived a day. Seeing him carry those two little white coffins up to the altar was devastating. If we are to believe that life begins at conception, it is only right to remember that life and to console the parents instead of telling the male to keep his mouth shut - as was done to me.

I was never able to bury my child lost to stillbirth or my child lost after birth, and there are no real burials for miscarriages so basically none of my children were buried. I feel like they need some dignity now. The circumstances surrounding them were very difficult.

I must admit, to me, a man that cares is a rarity; grief can last a lifetime, you simply learn of ways to help cope. It’s never to late to open that closed mouth x Peace be with you x

 

[mary_bobo]

I never thought about this, but I think it is such a wonderful and thoughtful idea. If we stop and think about it, funerals and memorial services are for the living. The departed have gone to Heaven, certainly so in the case of children, premature, stillborn, or otherwise. These services help give “closure” to the families. I am sure one never, ever gets over the grief in losing a child, but a tasteful memorial service can go a long way to assist the families in turning their loss over to the goodness of God.

 

[John_Lilburne]

In the USA’s edition of the Book of Blessings there is a ceremony: “Order for the Blessings of Parents After a Miscarriage”. This is lead by a priest or deacon. If they are not present a lay person may lead the ceremony.

Here is an outline:
Sign of the Cross
Minister greets those present, by a priest: “May the Father of mercies, the God of all consolation, be with you all.” All reply: "
“And also with you.”
Minister says in these or similar words: “For those who trust in God, in the pain of sorrow there is consolation, in the face of despair there is hope, in the midst of death there is life. N. and N., as we mourn the death of your child we place ourselves in the hands of God and ask for strength, for healing, and for love.”

Then there is a reading, one of the following:
Lamentations 3:17-26
Isaiah 49:8-13
Romans 8:18-27
Romans 8:26-31
Colossians 1:9-12
Hebrews 5:7-10
Luke 22:39-46

Then there can be Psalm 25, or another suitable song. Another Psalm suggested is Psalm 143:1, 5-6, 8, 10.

Then the minister may give a brief explanation of the biblical text.

Next the intercessions. The minister introduces them: “Let us pray to God who throughout the ages has heard the cries of parents.” Repsonse: “Lord, hear our prayer.” Then another minister reads about five of them, for example:
“For N. and N., who know the pain of grief, that they may be comforted, we pray.”

After the intercessions, the minister introduces the Lord’s Prayer with these or similar words: “Let us pray to the God of consolation and hope, as Christ has taught us:” Everyone: “Our Father …”.

Then the prayer of blessing, by a priest or deacon with hands outstreched over the parents, by a layperson with joined hands. There are two to choose from, one is:
“Lord, God of all creation we bless and thank you for your tender care. Receive this life you created in love and comfort your faithful people in their time of loss with the assurance of your unfailing mercy. We ask this through Christ our Lord.”

Then there is the concluding rite with its blessing, then preferably, a song at the end.

Reference: Book of Blessings, Liturgical Press, Minnesota, 1989, ISBN 0-8146-1875-8, pages 86-91.

 

[Grace_Angel]

How would you conduct it?

Rita, simply ask a priest friend to offer a Mass in thanksgiving for the short life of the infant called (whatever name yuo have given it). I would prefer a private Mass (in small chapel or home) with only the closest relatives/friends of the baby. Prayers of the faithful can be for Church, world, family, and others who have lost an infant in similar circumstances.
I have had a a Mass of this kind for three of my babies.
I have also bought a place to place a plaque with the three names on it in the childrens section of cemetry, so that they have a resting place. All this is healing to spirit. It is a conclusion to the story of that child/rens life. And they have a name, and place of rest and they have been recognised as having been members of the human family.
Anyway I hope it helps.
Blessings for this Easter.
GraceAngel.

 

[brotherhrolf]

Rita, simply ask a priest friend to offer a Mass in thanksgiving for the short life of the infant called (whatever name yuo have given it). I would prefer a private Mass (in small chapel or home) with only the closest relatives/friends of the baby. Prayers of the faithful can be for Church, world, family, and others who have lost an infant in similar circumstances.
I have had a a Mass of this kind for three of my babies.
I have also bought a place to place a plaque with the three names on it in the childrens section of cemetry, so that they have a resting place. All this is healing to spirit. It is a conclusion to the story of that child/rens life. And they have a name, and place of rest and they have been recognised as having been members of the human family.
Anyway I hope it helps.
Blessings for this Easter.
GraceAngel.

That’s beautiful. I wish I had had that kind of option 30 years ago. Life begins at conception; the soul is present from the very beginning. I remember my little ones on All Saints Day along with their ancestors.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

That’s beautiful. I wish I had had that kind of option 30 years ago. Life begins at conception; the soul is present from the very beginning. I remember my little ones on All Saints Day along with their ancestors.

That’s beautiful, too. And there’s no reason you couldn’t do as Grace Angel describes now. They were your babies, too, and half of you is in them.

 

[Grace_Angel]

That’s beautiful. I wish I had had that kind of option 30 years ago. Life begins at conception; the soul is present from the very beginning. I remember my little ones on All Saints Day along with their ancestors.

Hello Brotherhrolf,
There is no reason to think that you could not do this now. Remember God lives in the “Eternal Now” your infant dying is in the “Now”
Simply name your infant and if you feel you dont know the gender give the infant a beautiful neutral name. After naming ask a priest friend to offer a Mass (make the arrangements together) for the life (remember the whole life was breathed into the infant by God and not just 3 month breath) of that son or daughter of your called…
I am ancient in years but I have always understood that God is a God of love and Mercy and compassion and a Lord over time.
You can also do something as a permanent memorial to that loved infant and member of your family.
If you do not wish to place a name plaque somewhere, you can write its name in the family Bible and next to its name write “Entered eternal life 197…”
I believe that every human being who passes by this earth plays an important role and does an important work in and for God.
Blessings this Easter for you and yours,
GraceAngel.