Miserable Marriage - Divorce?

[1TiredMom]

Actually, I’d like to go back in time, and pay more attention to those red flags! I’ve been married 15 years, and I can think of nothing I’d like better than to never have met my husband. Except that would mean the non-existance of my children, which is the ONLY good thing that’s come of this miserable marriage.

I have always struggled w/ in-laws. Mil was the most petty, self-centered, manipulative woman I’ve ever known. Well, aside from fil. Among other things, my husband didn’t mention to me that his father had done time in prison. It was brought up (not by him) when we were expecting #4. His various relatives all have unbelieveable issues. When he is sane, he admits all this to me, and even tells me there is SO much more I do not know! But at all the other times, he tells me that his family is normal - the only trouble is my attitude.

He is now very close w/ his ex-drug addict sister, who abandoned her children for a few years to follow her own pursuits. Her opinion is that she “just had to hit bottom to realize the blessings in her life.” Never a word about the irreversible damage done to her children (and believe me, this woman TALKS!!!) You’d think to listen to her, that her kids had suffered through some natural disaster - she acceps NO responsibility. And now, she wants to have frequent access to my children. Her values are very low - no responsibility, no accountability, living together/sex before marriage all ok, everybody goes to heaven no matter how you live your life, etc., etc., etc. I don’t want to hand my children over to this woman! As I mentioned above, she is now my husband’s priority. He calls her daily, sometimes multiple times. She’s at the house frequently - it’s like a bad dream! She brings presents to my kids, so they think she’s “so nice!” My husband is so touched, that she brings gifts to our kids, “even though she can’t afford it.” Huh? Since when is that a GOOD thing? She can do no wrong - to watch them together, you’d think THEY were married!

I want to mention also, that his behavior changes the more time he spends w/ his family. He’s more unkind to the kids (and me, and thinks it’s funny), is even downright cruel. HELP! I want out! I am a strong Catholic, and divorce is deplorable to me. On the other hand, I am so very miserable, and don’t know how much more I can stand before I crack. I have numerous friends who DO have “normal” in-laws, and I’m so envious! I want to take my children far away, where we never have to deal w/ all this garbage again. While my children love their father, they do have great difficulties. As an example, my 7-yr old son HATES to have my husband take him to the bathroom when we’re out. He asks me to take him, and explains (very quietly) that it’s because I’m “so much nicer than Daddy.” Please pray hard for me! Any advice? Excuse the long, and rambling post; it’s after midnight after a very long and extremely nauseating day!

 

[Danuska]

All I can offer is a prayer, no advice I am afraid. You too start praying and fasting for your families, you know - nothing is impossible for God.
And maybe try and seek some counselling?

 

[Nickkname]

Divorce is impossible in the Church. Prayer and counseling with a Priest, however, is entirely possible and will do a world of good.

The patron saint of wives is St. Monica. I can’t find a patron saint for husbands, though.

 

[puzzleannie]

Divorce is impossible in the Church. Prayer and counseling with a Priest, however, is entirely possible and will do a world of good.

The patron saint of wives is St. Monica. I can’t find a patron saint for husbands, though.

this is simply not true and it is extremely harmful to give false advice, esp. to a person who is hurting.

Divorce can be permitted to protect the interests and well-being of spouse and children. So do see your priest, but be advised he will urge everything possible to save the marriage first before divorce. If you cannot get your husband to separate from his toxic family and put you and your children first in your life, you may find your choices limited, but divorce is not the first option, before counselling and other means have been tried. Do see your priest and ask for a referral to a good counsellor. we here will work on the praying

 

[1TiredMom]

Thanks for the advice. I have spoken w/ priests, who have suggested counseling. We went for maybe 3 sessions w/ our parish priest before we were married, and I truly feel I was misled. He began the counseling w/ “If you didn’t have these problems w/ his family, would you get married?” I said I would, and he said that it should no longer be an issue of “Should we get married”, but an issue of how to deal together w/ the problems within his family. Looking back, that’s just not true! It WAS an issue of “should we get married”, and the answer was “NO!!!”

I’m at a point where I just can’t stand him. I love when he leaves in the morning, and I dread his coming home. Weekends are worst of all. Yesterday, his sister showed up at a party w/ MY family; what a surprise that was to me! He knows how I feel, and why I feel that way, but he just doesn’t care. Not even enough to warn me about the miserable afternoon/evening I’d be in for. I can’t help but think that yesterday is the way my life will be for the next period of time. Until, of course, my husband and his sister have a fight, and then maybe we’ll have relative peace for a year or so. I want him out so badly; if nothing else, I will know the time with my family will be something to look forward to, rather then dread.

The last priest I talked w/ was visiting our parish, speaking on anger management. He told me that either my husband gets help, or I should get out. That was a while back, and things are no better. Of course, he hasn’t gotten any help, either.

I’m thinking of trying to sign us up for Retrouvaille - anyone have good experiences there? Honestly, I’m just so sick of the ugliness in his family, that I have absolutely NO desire to try ANYTHING! But for my children’s sake, I am willing.

Believe me, I am praying about this almost constantly, and I appreciate any prayers and advice.

One more question. I don’t talk to anyone about this stuff. Not my parents, siblings, friends, etc. It feels like gossip, because it may (will) negatively impact their attitudes toward my husband. AND, I do not say anything to my children about my husband and his family. Am I right with this? I feel so desperately alone sometimes (often), and it is SO hard when I know all I have to do is open my mouth, and the support will be there. But I choose to suffer in silence, and it’s eating me up inside. Please help w/ your prayers and advice!

 

[Nickkname]

Thanks for the advice. I have spoken w/ priests, who have suggested counseling. We went for maybe 3 sessions w/ our parish priest before we were married, and I truly feel I was misled. He began the counseling w/ “If you didn’t have these problems w/ his family, would you get married?” I said I would, and he said that it should no longer be an issue of “Should we get married”, but an issue of how to deal together w/ the problems within his family. Looking back, that’s just not true! It WAS an issue of “should we get married”, and the answer was “NO!!!”

I’m at a point where I just can’t stand him. I love when he leaves in the morning, and I dread his coming home. Weekends are worst of all. Yesterday, his sister showed up at a party w/ MY family; what a surprise that was to me! He knows how I feel, and why I feel that way, but he just doesn’t care. Not even enough to warn me about the miserable afternoon/evening I’d be in for. I can’t help but think that yesterday is the way my life will be for the next period of time. Until, of course, my husband and his sister have a fight, and then maybe we’ll have relative peace for a year or so. I want him out so badly; if nothing else, I will know the time with my family will be something to look forward to, rather then dread.

The last priest I talked w/ was visiting our parish, speaking on anger management. He told me that either my husband gets help, or I should get out. That was a while back, and things are no better. Of course, he hasn’t gotten any help, either.

I’m thinking of trying to sign us up for Retrouvaille - anyone have good experiences there? Honestly, I’m just so sick of the ugliness in his family, that I have absolutely NO desire to try ANYTHING! But for my children’s sake, I am willing.

Believe me, I am praying about this almost constantly, and I appreciate any prayers and advice.

One more question. I don’t talk to anyone about this stuff. Not my parents, siblings, friends, etc. It feels like gossip, because it may (will) negatively impact their attitudes toward my husband. AND, I do not say anything to my children about my husband and his family. Am I right with this? I feel so desperately alone sometimes (often), and it is SO hard when I know all I have to do is open my mouth, and the support will be there. But I choose to suffer in silence, and it’s eating me up inside. Please help w/ your prayers and advice!

How about annulement? I heard if you didn’t marry for love or with consent, you can get an annulement, because if you don’t marry for love or with consent than you’re not really married, so the “marriage” you’re in gets dissolved, and you’re free to marry other people after that.

More information here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annulment_(Catholic_Church)

 

[1ke]

You need to talk to a different priest-- preferrably one knowledgeable about the nullity process-- and a lawyer.

This man is abusive. And, the fact that your 7 yo son doesn’t want to be alone with him in the bathroom is a HUGE red flag to me.

Withholding information can be grounds for nullity-- and he withheld plenty about himself and his family. The priest who did your premarital counseling did a p*ss poor job.

Do not make any moves w/o consulting a lawyer. Go through a women’s shelter or legal aid if you can’t afford one.

If it were me, I’d take legal action to ensure my children are protected from that family whether my marriage is ultimately found valid or null by the Church. Single is better than being terrorized for the rest of you life.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Lots of muddy issues here. Let’s sort through some.

1. He thinks his family is normal because he knows nothing else. He has no clue what normal is. Telling him his family sucks may be true, but it is a conversation ender, not a conversation starter. Have you started asking him questions like “What would you do if your daughters started imitating your sister’s lifestyle?” “Is she a good role model?”
2. If there is ANY abuse of you going on (financial, physical, emotional, verbal) you owe it to yourself and your children to start talking to someone. I made the same mistake as you and didn’t say anything to my family for years. I didn’t want them to hate him because I could forgive him and they would never. Well, the joke was on me. Had I talked to them sooner, instead of when everything was crashing and burning, I would have gotten more information of what they had independently observed but weren’t telling me about him. (Because they didn’t want to cause trouble.) And I would have had more support and better advice and life would have been better for me.
3. If he is being abusive to the children, get out. Yesterday.
   Or they will always be angry at you for not protecting them.
4. If you divorce him, just know he probably will have unsupervised time with the kids on weekends or evenings and his family will be there and you will have no control over who comes in and helps and who is around your kids and what they see. The terror of that thought kept me with my ex 10 years.
5. The sister sounds like a human tumbleweed who will blow out of the picture when the next wayward wind comes along. Can you ride it out? (Was there incest in that family? Hate to ask it, but did she and your husband have a thing going? Any misrepresentation of the moral character of your spouse to be is grounds for nullity. Falls under fraud and implies you did not give full consent of the will, because if you had known or could have known of serious information concerning the person or nature of your spouse to be that would have prevented you from marrying, then you would not have done so.)
6. Depending on the age of the children, you need to take all of life’s teachable moments and use them to instruct the children. Start by asking them questions. “What did you think about Aunt Crazy’s falling on the floor drunk? Did that worry you? Is that how you want to behave when you are big? We need to worry about her because that isn’t safe and she could get very sick drinking lighter fluid. Is that a good example to follow?” “Did Grampy lie about stealing mommy’s credit card? Do you think lying is a good thing? Would you want someone to steal from you? If you see someone stealing, be sure to report it. IT’s not bad to tell mommy when bad things happen.”
7. ABOVE ALL! That family obviously is very secretive and knows how to keep secrets (for a time.) Don’t presume for a minute that your children aren’t being taken aside and things couldn’t be happening and they are being sworn to “special secrets” or something. Find resources for parents on how to combat this pernicious behavior and open the channels of communication so your children know how to resist that and do the “No, Go, Tell” routine. Talk to school counselors if you feel your kids are being manipulated.
8. Understand that however hellish a bad marriage is, oddly enough, the people who make it bad can make divorce 100 times worse. Because that’s what they do in life. His disfunctional family will be on his side and team up with him against you using every nasty tactic in their arsenal.
9. Please try a competent family counselor before you do anything else. You may be the only stability in your husband’s life and if you walk away, he may get completely sucked back into that swamp and he’ll drag your kids with him if he can. Don’t give up until you KNOW there is nothing else to work with.

Good luck. I’ll pray for you because I’ve been there.

 

[kage_ar]

This man is abusive. And, the fact that your 7 yo son doesn’t want to be alone with him in the bathroom is a HUGE red flag to me.

Second this. Please, see a good Priest.

 

[puzzleannie]

whoa nelly, the Church won’t even consider annulment unless the marriage is irretrievably broken, so it is not time to start thinking about it our advising it. OP states has been to 3 counseling sessions, hardly enough to have given it a try. If your husband won’t go to counselling, go yourself, to get help with how you should proceed.

A priest by the way is not a marriage counsellor, but he can give you a referral to a good one, but you have to actually go. If he won’t go at all, and you think it is time to seek legal means to protect yourself and your children, do so, but railing against his family is not going to help you or anyone else. The priest’s question at the time was a fair one, but you changed your mind, based on what you have learned about his family since that time, so don’t blame the priest’s advice.

we get that the family is toxic, we will take your word for it, but if you feel the situation is dangerous to you or especially to your children, it is up to you to get help. If your child is in danger, act immediately, as in, today.

 

[agbasinger]

Divorce is impossible in the Church. Prayer and counseling with a Priest, however, is entirely possible and will do a world of good.

The patron saint of wives is St. Monica. I can’t find a patron saint for husbands, though.

I think that the patron saint for husbands is St. Joesph.

 

[1TiredMom]

1ke - Never thought of that! My kids have always dreaded (when small, to the point of tears) being left w/ Daddy. They’ve all said it’s because he yells at them. He does! Very inappropriately as well. Even goes to the point of telling them they’re lucky, since he “only” yells, and doesn’t hit them. I rarely leave them alone w/ him. I’ll follow up on that bathroom thing w/ my son today.

Liberanosamalo - can I be your best friend? I’ve read your post 3 times, and you are so “right on the money” SO many times! It’s SUCH a good feeling to not be so completely alone! But I’m sorry that anyone else would have to endure the same misery.

puzzleannie - I’m looking for a good priest. I finally slept well last night, and feel more clear in my head today. I know divorce is not the preferable answer. Believe me, I’d have been long gone, if that were my opinion!

To clarify my earlier point: I am 100% certain the advice I received from our parish priest before our marriage was NOT correct. You said that I was ok w/ my husband’s family at the time, and have simply changed my mind as life progressed. THAT IS NOT TRUE!!! We had been engaged about 6 months, when I told him I was taking off the ring for a week, and I didn’t want him to call. I told him I wanted to have time to think about whether I wanted to go forward w/ this marriage. The primary issue was his family (his mom, big time, at that point!) After the week was up, I put the ring back on, with the condition that we go together to see a priest, to get his opinion, and advice in dealing with my soon-to-be-husband’s family. That is why we went to see the priest. He did not ask me if I thought it was worth dealing w/ this family, in order to marry my husband. I was VERY unsure about that - that’s the reason we were meeting w/ him in the first place! Had that been the case, and I had said, “Yes!”, then I would agree that I had “changed my mind over time.” But he asked if I would marry my husband if these problems with his family DID NOT EXIST. When I said yes, the issue of “should we get married” was no longer an issue with this priest. His confidence in that led me into a marriage that hindsight tells me should never have existed. My whole purpose in seeking counseling w/ that priest (and he WAS acting as pre-marital counselor,) was because I was already struggling with my husband’s family (and his reactions to them), and I had SERIOUS doubts about getting married. This priest said that these problems were really not that important, and should not stand in the way of our marriage. He was SO wrong, and my children and I are paying the price.

Regarding his “toxic” family (not my words, but quite appropriate!), I thank you for believing me. I am not perfect, but it has taken me YEARS of being told this is all my fault, to realize it is NOT. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and I get the impression that you believe me, but only sort of. Let me give a few examples. My mother-in-law used to tell my husband as a child that he was a mistake, and she wished they’d never had him. She and her husband got together, had 2 children, separated, got back together, had my husband, and then separated for good. She would tell him that they should have stayed separated; it would have been better if he had never been born. When he was in college, my mil would tell him regularly (at least weekly) that she didn’t know why he bothered, he would never graduate, and if he did, by some miracle, manage to graduate, he would certainly NEVER actually make anything of himself. She lost custody of her small children (in the 70’s!) to her husband, which rarely happens today, but NEVER happened then! Clearly, even the courts saw some serious issues w/ this woman. And to lose to my fil!!! I knew going into the marriage that he was lazy, and would borrow from family and never pay back. I found out after marriage that he would get a job, work for a bit, and then claim injury and sue. He was a good liar. And later, a long time into the marriage, I found out about the prison time. He couldn’t make our wedding (no disappointment to me!) because he had the first of his bypass surguries. Over the years, that man has cheated death so many times! He’s had bypass surgery 4-6 times, and I’ve lost count of the heart attacks! Just over a year ago, he was diagnosed w/ cancer (lots more lies in that story as well!), and my husband went out of state to help get his things in order. The weather was hot, and my husband had the opportunity to see his father w/o his shirt. The man has had NO heart surgeries - there were no scars. All lies. My husband lived w/ his father as a child, and left him to move in w/ mother at about age 15. He left in secret, and so left most of his stuff behind. Fil had a yard sale, and gave hubby’s brother & sister first pick. They took the best of his stuff for their own, even going so far as to proudly display it to my husband. I could give examples for another 3 days, but I hope you get the picture. I try to get these things out of my head, or they eat me up alive! I think one of the reasons I stayed w/ my husband is that I pity him. He’s had it so rough, and didn’t deserve all he went through. But I was young, and didn’t realize how intimately his past was to be a part of our future.

Thank you so much for all the prayers and support. I am going to find a priest to talk with. I will feel so much better if I can succeed in keeping somewhat of a distance from his sister. At this point, I am afraid to bring it up. He doesn’t fight fair - just starts yelling, and saying every mean thing he can think of. Pray for me when I do decide the time is right, that I can keep my temper, and stick to the facts at hand: that I do not want my children growing up w/ his sister as a close friend & role model. Please keep praying - I am feeling your prayers!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Yes I hear you, I wished I could have too with my exhusband…It was like that with mine as well…It was difficult to live but I didn’t let it tread along for 15 years…I ended it at 10 years…I couldn’t handle it any more, I was going insane!! I was depressed all the time, even though I kicked myself up all the time so I wouldn’t feel so sad nor overwhelmed…thanks to GOD’s mercy I was able to get away from all the sadness, and sorrow and suffering I was living with…No I don’t know if I made the right choice or not, because my daughter has suffered so much without her father but I am happier and my son’s seem to be as well…I am in a similar situation with my future MIL, not my fiance, he’s great, tries very hard to be a good “father” figure for my children, but because of her things are so complicated and I feel overwhelmed again!!!

I have always struggled w/ in-laws. Mil was the most petty, self-centered, manipulative woman I’ve ever known. Well, aside from fil. Among other things, my husband didn’t mention to me that his father had done time in prison. It was brought up (not by him) when we were expecting #4. His various relatives all have unbelieveable issues. When he is sane, he admits all this to me, and even tells me there is SO much more I do not know! But at all the other times, he tells me that his family is normal - the only trouble is my attitude.
My honey doesn’t take his mother’s side, at first he did but as soon as he saw the way things were he stopped and has dedicated himself to us and his father of course. Future FIL is kind just like my honey, still gets ran down by his wife, fiance’s mother, but still at least I have my honey’s support…

He is now very close w/ his ex-drug addict sister, who abandoned her children for a few years to follow her own pursuits. Her opinion is that she “just had to hit bottom to realize the blessings in her life.” Never a word about the irreversible damage done to her children (and believe me, this woman TALKS!!!) You’d think to listen to her, that her kids had suffered through some natural disaster - she acceps NO responsibility. And now, she wants to have frequent access to my children. Her values are very low - no responsibility, no accountability, living together/sex before marriage all ok, everybody goes to heaven no matter how you live your life, etc., etc., etc. I don’t want to hand my children over to this woman! As I mentioned above, she is now my husband’s priority. He calls her daily, sometimes multiple times. She’s at the house frequently - it’s like a bad dream! She brings presents to my kids, so they think she’s “so nice!” My husband is so touched, that she brings gifts to our kids, “even though she can’t afford it.” Huh? Since when is that a GOOD thing? She can do no wrong - to watch them together, you’d think THEY were married!
Don’t be jealous over sibling encounters and love, I was that close to my youngest brother, we were inseperable, he used to call me his mother…so please sibling love is completely different from anything else, it’s a bond that’s hard to break and why should you want to break it, my baby brother broke our bond when he found out I was dating again, haven’t heard from him for a couple of years except for the occassional “hey mom tell my sister i said hi!” and that’s it if that at all… don’t be jealous or envious of other people there were so many times I was, including of my sister…she was blessed with the best things, my mom raised her kids up until they were 7 and 5, I helped with that, in return I received what? Scoulding, Yelling, tormenting of my choices and children…My sister has the best metabolism, she can have all the kids she wants and still weigh 120 lbs…she’s 5’6…I am an inch shorter and have been trying to lose weight going on 3 months and barely lost a lb…going to the gym at least 3 days of the week, my sister went from a size 15 in women’s to a size 9 in junior’s in 7 months!!! But no matter what I thank GOD I am alive and grateful I am able to at least continue going to the gym you know? I won’t give up and I congratulate my sister…some of us are just luckier than others!!!

I want to mention also, that his behavior changes the more time he spends w/ his family. He’s more unkind to the kids (and me, and thinks it’s funny), is even downright cruel. HELP! I want out! I am a strong Catholic, and divorce is deplorable to me. On the other hand, I am so very miserable, and don’t know how much more I can stand before I crack. I have numerous friends who DO have “normal” in-laws, and I’m so envious! I want to take my children far away, where we never have to deal w/ all this garbage again. While my children love their father, they do have great difficulties. As an example, my 7-yr old son HATES to have my husband take him to the bathroom when we’re out. He asks me to take him, and explains (very quietly) that it’s because I’m “so much nicer than Daddy.” Please pray hard for me! Any advice? Excuse the long, and rambling post; it’s after midnight after a very long and extremely nauseating day!
what everyon here in this forum has told me that I am completely convinced of is this, if you love that man, forget his family and just speak with him openheartedly…I was about to quit with my fiance because of all the family problems we have been having, my mother, his mother, etc…but we decided we love each other and want this to work…too many years we have spent loving each other, struggling, etc to just let it go like if it were nothing!! You know? So anyhow, just keep your head up, and speak with hiim if he listens then great if not then request a marriage counselor, and go together to speak with your priest…if nothing else works, just keep praying and speaking with your priest he’s the best one to guide you!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

I guess for once I’m not in agreement that what you need is a priest. I think you need some serious mental health intervention and NOT because I think you’re crazy…far from it. But you are in the midst of a very toxic situation and have no support which you are willing to tap because of confidentiality concerns.

I’m not sure this is a marriage that is so damaged it can be saved or not. I’m not even sure if what attention your husband is paying your SIL has crossed from that of supportive brother to a struggling sister to overly involved manager in an ex-addicts dysfunctional life. You need to consult with an emotionally uninvolved 3d party to help you get some perspective and sort out the issues in your marriage. This also is not a sudden change or new phenomena. You need to understand why you continued to build a family with a man (and his extended family) you can hardly stand.

You don’t need your husband’s participation to start this process. If you want a Catholic counselor, they are available, and you should be able to get the name of a reputable and comptent professional from your primary care physician.

Please don’t wallow in this alone. You need to make some changes in your life…no one, Catholic or otherwise, is expected to endlessly endure misery in their married life.

 

[Alix1912]

Get a Lawyer, and get one NOW. Even if you just legally seperate you need to make sure that your custody arrangements are going to be in your favor.

Yes talk to a preist, and talk to your own family, and document everything that is strange.

Having lived through two divorces as a child, this makes a big difference in custody arrangements. The person with the better documentation and better evidence usually fairs better.

The fact your children do not want to be alone with their own father is extremely scary and you should make every attempt to protect them before you try and evaluate if you can save your marriage or not.

Just my two cents.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I am always amazed at how quickly people begin condemning the spouse and making judgments about their fitness and talking about divorce settlements and legal strategies in these posts. Your husband certainly sounds like he’s guilty of bad parenting at times, no doubt, and I absolutely agree the kids should be protected.

You also sound extremely angry and highly judgmental of your in laws.I do not believe that angry people should ever be permitted to ask for an annulment. If you are angry, then you have an issue with God that needs to be addressed first. When that issue is addressed, then you can move forward in your life at peace and in obedience to the Lord.

I believe women in toxic marriages should leave to protect their children, but remain single, and work on bringing peace and stability to their lives in a lawful separation, but should not necessarily divorce their husbands. This is based on St. Paul’s advice under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. (And my own life experience!)

I Corinthians 7:10-11 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord) the wife should not separate from her husband 11(but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

In the next verse, I Corinthians 7:12, Paul tells us that if the unbelieving spouse leaves, that we are called to peace, and are not responsible for their behavior. But notice that the only distinction he makes in marriages is between believers and unbelievers. Divorce is not permitted between two believers. If both are truly believers, then they can address the issues that separate them and overcome them through God.

That may mean living separately for a time, and living celibately to allow the Holy Spirit to work.

 

[1TiredMom]

iluvmybabies - I see myself in you! My husband & I also discussed his mother/family before we were married, but NONE of it mattered in the long run. I will pray for wisdom for you, and the strength to make the right decision. Think of how your life will be if he returns to his old behaviors after the wedding. I speak from experience - it may be the same for you.

To many others, I do not believe my children are in physical danger. I would have been out if that were the case. But emotional - I’m not so sure. I called around yesterday to find a good counselor, and am waiting for a return call.

Angels Unaware - you say that I am angry, and you are right. I hate being in the mess of this family. Someone said I should seek counseling, to determine what caused me to build a family with a man whose extended family I can hardly stand. I agree! It wasn’t great while we were dating, and I expected things would get worse. But they are 100 times worse than I ever expected. I have told my husband so many times over the years that I can handle all their garbage, if only we were on the same team.

When he is angry w/ his family (and that sometimes lasts for years), his overall behavior improves drastically, and I would say we are pretty happy. But when he is not, he puts on those rose-colored glasses, and his family (only the ones he is friendly w/ at the moment) is wonderful.

If it were just me, I would be gone. NOT to marry again - that is not my goal here. But it is not just me, and my priority would be my children. There is so much ugliness in his family, and he is so defensive of it! I am concerned about the lessons my children are learning.

I do not want to condemn my husband. I believe many times, he doesn’t even know what he is doing. I think he is so DESPERATE to cling to that family he never had growing up, that he is blinded to all else. But I am only human, and over time, I’ve had more than I can bear. I’m hopeful the counselor will give me some insight as to how to deal w/ all this, and what to say to my children, so that I am not simply gossiping to them, but I am able to get the point across to them that these are NOT people to take advice from, nor to imitate. As it is, I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. But I don’t think that is in the best interest of my children. Any & all prayers are appreciated!

 

[M0nkey]

The patron saint of wives is St. Monica. I can’t find a patron saint for husbands, though.

Yay! Good thing St. Monica is my second mom.

Maybe a novena to St. Joseph with your children before the blessed sacrament will help? I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice.

 

[iluvmybabies]

My honey is a one road man, once he makes up his mind there is no turning back…believe me…he will not change towards his mother, first of all his mother treats him really bad for dating me, but his father has given us his blessing as well as mine has…my mother overwhelms me so thanks to many friends here in the forum I have cut our conversations short on a daily basis so she doesn’t get the chance to start her nagging over my choices, life and decisions!! We have kept a small distance from his mother as well, we might go visit once a week if that at all for about 10-30 mins, no more, even though he might speak with her over the phone but not for long periods either…we have both learned we have similar mothers even though my mother doesn’t like his nor his mine… So much complications why can’t families just be happy for us? They both seem to be super glad when things are going bad for both of us…but we are praying and sticking together…I don’t believe he will change…I mean his taking sides only laster about 2 months in our relationship and we are going on 3 years now…
To many others, I do not believe my children are in physical danger. I would have been out if that were the case. But emotional - I’m not so sure. I called around yesterday to find a good counselor, and am waiting for a return call.
Yes I am glad your children are not in physical danger, but emotionally is just as damaging…I was abused more mentally by my mother than physically, thus it’s hard for me to think of myself as anything important, working on it and depending on my mood I can feel highly motivated and never feel bad about myself…and like I said it’s a work in progress

Angels Unaware - you say that I am angry, and you are right. I hate being in the mess of this family. Someone said I should seek counseling, to determine what caused me to build a family with a man whose extended family I can hardly stand. I agree! It wasn’t great while we were dating, and I expected things would get worse. But they are 100 times worse than I ever expected. I have told my husband so many times over the years that I can handle all their garbage, if only we were on the same team.
Oh don’t worry I definitely believe you about the inlaws…my ex inlaws OMG they drove me to drink I am not kidding you!!! It was a horrible torment, something I had no idea about…Everyone around me would tell me how great people they were etc even my family would until I got to know them, they turned my life into a nightmare I am not kidding you! How do you say you marry someone who’s family is more psycho than someone in the 7th floor of a hospital, I tell you with lies and deceipt!! Yes exactly I would tell my exhusband the same team…you know support your wife and all will be fine but no he didn’t he would ditch me and our family dinner to be with them all the time! I thank GOD we are not together!!!
When he is angry w/ his family (and that sometimes lasts for years), his overall behavior improves drastically, and I would say we are pretty happy. But when he is not, he puts on those rose-colored glasses, and his family (only the ones he is friendly w/ at the moment) is wonderful.
I tell you the same thing with my ex so thank GOD I am out of there…I am not saying you should too, of course not, give him a try again, but this time stand up to him, let him know you will separate if this continues, and see what happens…If you don’t want to take it that extreme then again ask him to join you in counseling!!!
If it were just me, I would be gone. NOT to marry again - that is not my goal here. But it is not just me, and my priority would be my children. There is so much ugliness in his family, and he is so defensive of it! I am concerned about the lessons my children are learning.

I do not want to condemn my husband. I believe many times, he doesn’t even know what he is doing. I think he is so DESPERATE to cling to that family he never had growing up, that he is blinded to all else. But I am only human, and over time, I’ve had more than I can bear. I’m hopeful the counselor will give me some insight as to how to deal w/ all this, and what to say to my children, so that I am not simply gossiping to them, but I am able to get the point across to them that these are NOT people to take advice from, nor to imitate. As it is, I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. But I don’t think that is in the best interest of my children. Any & all prayers are appreciated!
OK now remember to speak with your kids clearly about everything, as much as possible without damaging them you know? Like example, give them advice over what his aunty and uncles, grandparent’s etc are saying or doing, tell them to be respectful always but to not accept what they are saying because what they say are just opinions but don’t mean anything…I used to have to do it with my daughter when she would go see her father’s family and she would come home content as if nothing had happened I would ask her and she would tell me things like “oh nothing great grandma was talking but all I kept thinking about was how much I wanted to come home to watch tv!!” So at least she understood what I was trying to say you know?