miserable...

[buckr02]

Hey all,

I haven’t posted here in awhile. I just want to vent a little. The last time I was active on here was mostly about a girl that I have been crazy about ever since I’ve known her - about five years. Well, things kind of came to the surface and I found out she just doesn’t have romantic feelings for me.

Well I’ve been trying since maybe October, I think, to get over her, but it’s a long process. The problem I am having is that she and I both want to remain friends, but it’s just so hard.

Anyway, I had a good week of prayer last week and realized some things and was ready to try rebuilding our friendship, but then I found out that she is now beginning to date someone. It just absolutely crushed me and I can’t look at her or think about her without feeling utterly depressed.

I just thought I’d share and ask for some prayers as I struggle with this.

 

[1ke]

Sometimes you cannot be friends. Perhaps it is best in our case to just move on.

 

[buckr02]

Sometimes you cannot be friends. Perhaps it is best in our case to just move on.

I think currently that may be the case, but in the long run I don’t want that to happen. She means too much to me to not have her in my life at all.

 

[Trishie]

Hi, it sounds very hard. Five years is a long time, so it’s understandable that you’re finding it hard to give up hope.

She was ready to move one from any romantic interest in you and has in fact, but you weren’t and aren’t, so in that situation remaining close friends only keeps the wounds open. You can’t move on while you’re so close to everything.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. Grieving loss of someone and one’s dearms with them is a process, and you probably hadn’t gone very far along in the grieving process as you were still holding on to hope, it seems.

Be kind and patient with yourself, and try to get yourself into a safe position, a realistic position. It’s not fair and it’s like betrayal when anyone doesn’t feel as we do towards them. But it’s not something anyone can force, nor her, nor you.
Please don’t feel less a person for this. You are enormously valuable, and I will pray that the future will hold healing, happiness and peace for you.

God bless you…Trishie

 

[1ke]

I think currently that may be the case, but in the long run I don’t want that to happen. She means too much to me to not have her in my life at all.

So you say now.

However, when you look back on this from a vantage point down the road you will see more clearly.

 

[Trishie]

I think currently that may be the case, but in the long run I don’t want that to happen. She means too much to me to not have her in my life at all.

It sounds from that as if you already have wisdom regarding the relationship, that you agree that now at least isn’t the right time for you to be so close to her. Your feelings are too raw and while they are they’ll keep bleeding. You need time and healing. God grant that.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hey buck–I remember you. I am sorry you’re still struggling with this. I’ll be praying for you, that your heart heals soon.

 

[jacie]

Absolutely don’t try to remain friends. You are not superhuman - don’t put yourself through that. Besides, it will only keep you bearing a torch for that girl, and prevent you from meeting other people. Unless of course, you really don’t want to meet other people and would like an excuse to remain miserable . . . . . . .

 

[SarahR]

Hey, just know that you are being prayed for…

 

[Sam_Maloney]

Sometimes you cannot be friends. Perhaps it is best in our case to just move on.

+1 [meaning ditto, I agree, etc.]

You have nothing to gain by maintaining contact at this time. That may change in the future, it may not. You don’t have to burn any bridges, just make yourself as physically unavailable to her as she is romanticly unavailable to you.

This wound won’t heal till you stop picking at the scab.

 

[LSK]

You are in my prayers…it takes time, one day at a time…hang in there.

 

[Sacred_Ground]

Hey all,

I haven’t posted here in awhile. I just want to vent a little. The last time I was active on here was mostly about a girl that I have been crazy about ever since I’ve known her - about five years. Well, things kind of came to the surface and I found out she just doesn’t have romantic feelings for me.

Well I’ve been trying since maybe October, I think, to get over her, but it’s a long process. The problem I am having is that she and I both want to remain friends, but it’s just so hard.

Anyway, I had a good week of prayer last week and realized some things and was ready to try rebuilding our friendship, but then I found out that she is now beginning to date someone. It just absolutely crushed me and I can’t look at her or think about her without feeling utterly depressed.

I just thought I’d share and ask for some prayers as I struggle with this.

Hmm, it looks to me like you had started to really hope/expect a future with this girl.

Then, she destroyed the possibility of it happening, and provided further affirmation by dating someone else.

Ouch!

Well, sometimes I get upset when my plans for one day, or one week, are suddenly changed by someone else for the worse; unfortunately, you had started to place a lifetime of hopes on one person who has now said they don’t want to be a part of it.

If you weren’t feeling something, it would be wrong.

Cry, pray, shout, whatever you need to get it out of your system, but please, take this as a lesson in the future, to not hope in something too much, until it really seems like it actually WILL happen (i.e. you actually start to date, she can’t stop gazing into your blue eyes etc…).

This is a lesson for all of life, not just romance

 

[buckr02]

Thanks everyone for your words of consolation and advice. I know that I have to take a long time away from her in order to get over her and I do realize it may mean never going back to being friends. However, I find myself in a pickle.

Because she and I are both musicians, we have both been asked to play in the orchestra for the high school from which I graduated which means I’m going to be seeing a LOT of her over the next two months. I’m not sure how I should handle this.

 

[1ke]

Thanks everyone for your words of consolation and advice. I know that I have to take a long time away from her in order to get over her and I do realize it may mean never going back to being friends. However, I find myself in a pickle.

Because she and I are both musicians, we have both been asked to play in the orchestra for the high school from which I graduated which means I’m going to be seeing a LOT of her over the next two months. I’m not sure how I should handle this.

You could handle it by bowing out of the engagement. Simply tell them you will not be able to play in the orchestra. You do not need to give a reason.

 

[chevalier]

Buck, been there many times. Had it worse, too. You just need to focus on something else, stop igniting in yourself feelings for that girl, give up thinking that you need to be faithful to your feeling and so on. These are all thoughts that cloud in a young man’s head and they are not often correct. Find yourself a hobby, interact with friends, do not lock yourself alone and do not allow yourself any solitary walks, reminiscing and that kind of thing. Always have something to do and something that will occupy you enough that you won’t think about the girl. When you meet her, realise it’s gone (unless it isn’t but you don’t know anyway) and now it’s either friends or nothing. She has made her choice, there are many more girls. You’re young, you will still meet some. If not this one, then another. You have probably had some ex-girlfriends or could have beens. You probably know that sometimes you think she’s the one and no other will do, but within a couple of months you meet a new one or simply forget the old one. So go on and don’t dwell.

 

[buckr02]

You could handle it by bowing out of the engagement. Simply tell them you will not be able to play in the orchestra. You do not need to give a reason.

I have considered this and would do so if it weren’t for the fact that the conductor is counting on me. I would be putting her in a bind if I were to drop out at this point.

 

[Urf]

I’m curious as to what kind of friendship this is. Are we talking very close friendship, or is this more casual? In other words, is she willing to stay friends with you, or does she want you in her life as a friend? How much does it mean to her to give up your friendship?

That would just give some context, but either way, I agree with others that the right decision is to cut off contact with her for a while. She has made it clear to you that she does not have romantic feelings for you, which she cannot help, and if she is your friend, she will understand your actions. Simply tell her the honest situation. You would love it if you could remain friends because of how much she means to you, but you just cant because of the way you feel about her. Tell her that you cant handle the idea of her with another person and that it tears you up inside. Tell her that you cant sacrifice your own happiness for your friendship with her, and that after 5 years this isnt something that will just go away on its own. What kind of a friendship is one in which her happiness makes you feel miserable? What good will it be to have a friendship in which the mere presence of her boyfriend will make you feel terribly sad? Make it clear that you arent doing it because of her, but that you’re doing it for your own health and happiness.

There is nothing left for you in a friendship that lives on false hope and no chance of your desired outcome. It is a dead end and even though you might feel bad about backtracking, in the end you’re just going to feel a whole lot worse about realizing that you’ve been sitting there frozen the whole time when you could have been healing.

If she truly cares about you as a friend and as a person, she will understand your decision and not make this anymore difficult for you than it has to be.

How do you think she would respond to a request like this?

If you feel that she would have trouble accepting this, you need to do it anyway.

If you feel that she would not have trouble accepting this, you REALLY need to do it. There is no point in being a prisoner of your own love for someone else unless they are a prisoner of theirs for you.

If she honestly gives you trouble for this request, she is either a) being selfish, or b) confused about what she feels, but either way, you wont move past this issue until you confront it.

I know it wont be easy, but it’s really just one decision. Once you’ve made it, the rest is just one foot in front of the other, and you’ll be surprised how missing her friendship compares to your feelings for her eating away at you every time you’re with her.