Misguided vasectomy-need to find peace

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justabutterfly

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I will try to keep this as simple as I can without getting you lost in extra details.

I am a cradle Catholic, raised “Old Roman”. Husband converted about 13 years ago to the Catholic Faith.

My husband is 13 years older than me and feels that if anything happened to me he would not be able to raise another baby due to his age (I have had ongoing health issues and have been told by dr that getting pregnant would be risk to my life).

This has come up many times and I have always said no to vasectomy…that he knew I wanted to practice NFP before we were ever married. While discussions would always come up he always respected me (even though he didn’t like it). I told him I was not willing to go against my faith but if perhaps I was missing something in my teaching that the only way I would consent is if a priest gave us permission.

We met with our parish priest, one who is a theologian and I felt understood family life and I could trust (I totally expected him to put a stamp on my thoughts and clear up the confusion with my husband-he also expected the same and was prepared to walk away disgruntled :P)

Anyway to my shock the priest explained that if the mother’s life was at risk due to a pregnancy then we were free to choose whatever method that worked for us to prevent pregnancy. At the time I was so afraid of my health issues that everything made sense to me and I was relieved. I felt that we were being responsible parents as getting pregnant would either take my life (if I stopped my meds) or could risk the baby’s life (If I kept taking the meds). The thought of harming an unborn baby was so much worse to me than preventing a pregnancy. He did his research and decided vasectomy was the safest of all options between the 2 of us.

In one instant I feel like it’s ok and God understands our situation and in another instant I feel betrayed by the priest for misguiding us against the Church’s teaching as this would have NEVER happened if it wasn’t for him. NFP was working for us. I have talked to him and he says that his conscience is clear…that our intention was to protect my health and my family. I have not been able to clear my conscience through it all and have gone to confession myself. My husband on the other hand believes that we got permission from the church and his conscience is clear. He is is tired of talking about it and thinks I am ridiculous if I can’t even trust a priest.

I don’t believe this situation was mortal for either one of us however I do worry about my husband and our relationship. He has agreed to continue to respect my fertile days.

I never saw myself in this situation and I am having trouble finding peace and forgiving myself. I need something to do with this negative energy.

any thoughts? thanks for reading such a long post!
 
Has he had the vasectomy?

If so, you aren’t actually required to continue with NFP, although it might not be a bad idea, as there is a very small chance of vasectomy failure.

Here’s one thing you may not have considered–are both of you well-insured? If either of you is widowed, you will manage better if you are able to afford good help.
 
You have confessed your part in it, whatever culpability you had in this has been forgiven.

Let it go. That is the only advice I can give you.

Your DH does not think he did anything wrong and you are not going to convince him otherwise. Perhaps one day the Holy Spirit will convict him.

Don’t bring it up again. Pray for your husband and pray to be at peace with a situation you cannot change.

Scripture speaks very clearly about the standard his priests are held to, especially in leading the sheep astray. Woe to the one who does so. Pray for the priest, too.
 
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Your priest is wrong!!!

I spoke to a bishop about a similar issue I was coerced into getting an IUD because my husband didnt want me to bleed out again during a birth so in his mind he was saving my life I had it removed finally I abstained from communion for a long time due to it.

But the bishop told me that birth control cannot be justified even if the mothers life is in danger that NFP or total abstainence must be used. Now your husband has had it done no going back he needs to confess or abstain from communion, you should confess any culpability or abstain from communion.
 
Stillsosola said:
Your priest is wrong!!!

I spoke to a bishop about a similar issue I was coerced into getting an IUD because my husband didnt want me to bleed out again during a birth so in his mind he was saving my life I had it removed finally I abstained from communion for a long time due to it.

But the bishop told me that birth control cannot be justified even if the mothers life is in danger that NFP or total abstainence must be used. Now your husband has had it done no going back he needs to confess or abstain from communion, you should confess any culpability or abstain from communion.
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She already said she had gone to confession, she certainly does Not need to abstain from communion. And we can never know his heart but if the hubs believed he was granted an exception than no one should say he must abstain from communion either.

Conditions for mortal sin:

Grave matter
Full knowledge
Deliberate Consent
 
The Bible speaks of what happens when God forgives a person.
Code: 
   Though your sins are like scarlet
   They shall be as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18)
 
Sorry for the delayed reply. I have read the responses and have needed time to think. Thank you all for your kind words…I am starting to find peace with it. Like Jesus on the cross I have to ask God to forgive him for he knows not what he’s done. I will not let judgment pull my marriage apart and will continue to pray for our spiritual journey together, and for the priest who also is misguided. As far as the refraining from communion part, I would agree if he had done it knowing he was going against the church and against God, but he believes he has done no wrong and therefore how could that be mortal? I think going to communion will only bring him closer to God. We are all on a personal journey of recognizing our faults and becoming better people, and only when the Holy Spirit has prepared us for each baby step of the way. Thank you for your prayers 🙂
 
justabutterfly said:
Sorry for the delayed reply. I have read the responses and have needed time to think. Thank you all for your kind words…I am starting to find peace with it. Like Jesus on the cross I have to ask God to forgive him for he knows not what he’s done. I will not let judgment pull my marriage apart and will continue to pray for our spiritual journey together, and for the priest who also is misguided. As far as the refraining from communion part, I would agree if he had done it knowing he was going against the church and against God, but he believes he has done no wrong and therefore how could that be mortal? I think going to communion will only bring him closer to God. We are all on a personal journey of recognizing our faults and becoming better people, and only when the Holy Spirit has prepared us for each baby step of the way. Thank you for your prayers 🙂
Click to expand...
In such a case, the sin may not be mortal, as long as he did not understand that what he is doing is morally unacceptable. However, it is your job, as his wife, to explain to him that this is sinful in order to avoid culpability. A mortal sin is characterized by grave matter, total knowledge, and complete consent. If any of these is lacking, it may be only a venial sin, or not a sin at all.
 
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