Missed my one chance of love and I can't move on

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Blue_Rose

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A few years ago I moved to a new parish and I had only a few months before been baptized into the church. I was very new to the faith and new to the parish and being young at the time, I was trying to sort my life out so I ignored the advances of a man at my parish. He was a good man, but I was caught up in life and didn’t talk to him even though I was interested, and this went on for about a year. I ignored him really.
I realised one day while out of town how much I like him and was planning on returning to the parish so I could talk with him but found out when I got back that he was moving away for work.
this was a couple of years ago and I haven’t been able to move on. I feel like I had a chance at love and because of my selfishness I missed it.
I’ve tried to meet other guys but my heart lies in one place. I have no way of contacting him now either. I just live in hope that he will come back one day. I know, I’m pathetic.
I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked God to take these feelings away but they’re still there.
any advice? 😦
 
Blue_Rose said:
A few years ago I moved to a new parish and I had only a few months before been baptized into the church. I was very new to the faith and new to the parish and being young at the time, I was trying to sort my life out so I ignored the advances of a man at my parish. He was a good man, but I was caught up in life and didn’t talk to him even though I was interested, and this went on for about a year. I ignored him really.
I realised one day while out of town how much I like him and was planning on returning to the parish so I could talk with him but found out when I got back that he was moving away for work.
this was a couple of years ago and I haven’t been able to move on. I feel like I had a chance at love and because of my selfishness I missed it.
I’ve tried to meet other guys but my heart lies in one place. I have no way of contacting him now either. I just live in hope that he will come back one day. I know, I’m pathetic.
I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked God to take these feelings away but they’re still there.
any advice? 😦
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  1. I don’t think this was your one chance at love. There are plenty of people who marry, have happy marriages, are widowed, and then have a second happy marriage.
  2. Based on how hard you avoided him, I wonder how much you actually were interested in this young man.
  3. If you had gone out with him, there’s a pretty good chance that you wouldn’t have hit it off.
  4. I think it was actually a reasonable choice not to date while settling in to your parish and your new faith.
  5. How about some new activities?
 
Xantippe said:
  1. I don’t think this was your one chance at love. There are plenty of people who marry, have happy marriages, are widowed, and then have a second happy marriage.
  2. Based on how hard you avoided him, I wonder how much you actually were interested in this young man.
  3. If you had gone out with him, there’s a pretty good chance that you wouldn’t have hit it off.
  4. I think it was actually a reasonable choice not to date while settling in to your parish and your new faith.
  5. How about some new activities?
Click to expand...
👍 Regrets are a sad waste of life, Look forward not back,
 
If you were trying to sort out your life at the time, then it is probably good you were not allowing a distraction. It wasn’t the right time for love. Never regret that.

However, I understand these feelings. I’ve been in a similar situation. Focusing on lost love only serves to prevent you from being open to someone new. And if he does come back into your life you might not see him for who he is but instead see an idealized version that you have been envisioning. That can be really bad for forming a real relationship.
 
My guess is that this is probably a case of the grass is greener. But if you really are curious what happened to him and whether he’s still single, I’d be surprised if you were not able to track him down. Do you have a first and last name?
 
Of course that wasn’t your “one chance of love”! Sheesh! There are plenty of fish in the sea!

We women tend to second-guess ourselves. It’s just what we do. All those “art of love” manuals from Roman times and the Middle Ages tend to emphasize the usefulness of this habit to men, and so do the “Game” manuals of today’s not-so-courtly men. A lot of romance novels are nothing but second-guessing. You’d think people were writing about Kremlin analysis, instead of “What is that guy across the table thinking?”

And it’s not all bad. Sometimes taking a second glance isn’t bad. First impressions can be incorrect.

In your case, though, it sounds like it was something you did when he was no longer pursuing you – ie, when he knew he was leaving and therefore left you alone for a while. You subconsciously may have taken it as him playing hard to get, and therefore reconsidered him as if his status and attractiveness (or at least his self-confidence) had gone up. And some women just think that aloof or totally unavailable men are more attractive, just like some like the strong, silent type.

Second-guessing can make you miserable, but it can also make you feel like you still have a chance with a specific man, when you really don’t. Memory and illusion are not the same as a real person, warts and all.

However, the second-guessing habit is no longer an amusing human foible for you. It is now standing in your way. If you are interested in love, go somewhere that tends to attract young Catholic men who are single and of good character. Ask around and meet people.

Second-guessing and wishing will not get you anywhere.
 
Blue_Rose said:
A few years ago I moved to a new parish and I had only a few months before been baptized into the church. I was very new to the faith and new to the parish and being young at the time, I was trying to sort my life out so I ignored the advances of a man at my parish. He was a good man, but I was caught up in life and didn’t talk to him even though I was interested, and this went on for about a year. I ignored him really.
I realised one day while out of town how much I like him and was planning on returning to the parish so I could talk with him but found out when I got back that he was moving away for work.
this was a couple of years ago and I haven’t been able to move on. I feel like I had a chance at love and because of my selfishness I missed it.
I’ve tried to meet other guys but my heart lies in one place. I have no way of contacting him now either. I just live in hope that he will come back one day. I know, I’m pathetic.
I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked God to take these feelings away but they’re still there.
any advice? 😦
Click to expand...
Are you positive you can’t contact him? If you know where he moved, you could search for him through area churches. I don’t think it would be that hard with a first name and a description. Does his family still live in your area, because you could ask them? Do you recall ever seeing him attend mass in the company of someone you know or would recognize? He would surely be flattered if you went to the trouble of finding him; I know I certainly would, at least. So I don’t think you should discount your feelings or call yourself pathetic, because we very often can’t see clearly except in hindsight. It seems to just be human nature. If it were me, I wouldn’t rule out going on a road trip, either. I mean, if that’s really the only way to contact him, then why not?
 
One door closes, another opens.

Set aside regret and fear, and prepare to live.

I’m praying for you!
 
None of us here can tell you for certain whether this man was your only chance at love or whether there are other men for you as we don’t know your situation but remember that you did not know this person all that well in real life, if you had dated you might have discovered you weren’t as compatible as you thought.

Ideally time should be the best healer but you says its been years. Is there anyone you could talk to about these feelings?
 
Blue_Rose said:
Missed my one chance of love and I can’t move on
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You do realize this is a self fulfilling prophecy, right?

If you really feel this way, I suggest you get a counselor to work through this to the root cause and start working your way through these feelings and the idealized fantasy you’ve created about a guy you don’t even actually know and barely spoke to.
 
Guess what?

It’s probably not your only chance of love. While God might not have this whole soulmate system, you can definitely pray for him to send an awesome guy your way. Be open minded, focus on yourself a bit (how you can be a good girlfriend/wife) and patiently wait 🙂
 
Blue,

Sorry you are feeling that you missed out. But you should not. God has a plan for us all, we may not understand what it is, but it is there.

Look at it from this standpoint – let’s say you did date this person and after that year you were still not sure how strong your feelings were – and he then had to leave for the job. You would have been in a very tough situation – if you both were not ready or had strong enough feelings for marriage – would you still marry him just to go with him – or let him go and have worse feelings of regret?

It may be hard to see now but you will meet that special one, and you will know when that is. You are still young and have a lot of time to find him. Be patient and trust in God.

I pray that God grants you peace and happiness.

Winter
 
Blue_Rose said:
A few years ago I moved to a new parish and I had only a few months before been baptized into the church. I was very new to the faith and new to the parish and being young at the time, I was trying to sort my life out so I ignored the advances of a man at my parish. He was a good man, but I was caught up in life and didn’t talk to him even though I was interested, and this went on for about a year. I ignored him really.
I realised one day while out of town how much I like him and was planning on returning to the parish so I could talk with him but found out when I got back that he was moving away for work.
this was a couple of years ago and I haven’t been able to move on. I feel like I had a chance at love and because of my selfishness I missed it.
I’ve tried to meet other guys but my heart lies in one place. I have no way of contacting him now either. I just live in hope that he will come back one day. I know, I’m pathetic.
I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked God to take these feelings away but they’re still there.
any advice? 😦
Click to expand...
You can keep praying and asking the Lord for a healing. It sounds like He has something or someone else in your future. That gentleman may even come back, but don’t count on it.

Jesus, we trust in You!
 
If you’re lovable, there will be other people who will love you.
 
As my Grandmother used to say: “What’s for you won’t pass you.”

You seem to be holding this up as you “one chance of love”. The only way that will be the case is if you keep thinking of it as such and therefore miss the other possibilities that present themselves in your life. If it’s meant to be it would have happened.
 
Blue_Rose said:
A…I haven’t been able to move on. I feel like I had a chance at love and because of my selfishness I missed it.
I’ve tried to meet other guys but my heart lies in one place. I have no way of contacting him now either. I just live in hope that he will come back one day. I know, I’m pathetic.
I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked God to take these feelings away but they’re still there.
any advice? 😦
Click to expand...
It is certainly an error to believe that there is “one” person for us and if we don’t take the opportunity we are doomed. Few would ever find the “one” were that so.

It is necessary to commit to move on, to socialise and to live in the world. It is not necessary to “force” the feelings away, just allow more of life to embrace you.
 
Rau said:
It is certainly an error to believe that there is “one” person for us and if we don’t take the opportunity we are doomed. Few would ever find the “one” were that so.

It is necessary to commit to move on, to socialise and to live in the world. It is not necessary to “force” the feelings away, just allow more of life to embrace you.
Click to expand...
👍 echoes and ripples on the pool that lessen and fade in their own time…
 
You can drive yourself nuts with what could have beens and what ifs. What if I hadn’t bought a money pit house or decided to buy the lemon car or what ever. The only thing you can really do is deal with the hand you are given. I let a nice guy go too years ago. He was the only one who ever treated me decently but at the time I was just starting to date and I felt there really wasn’t chemistry there. I let him go and I have wondered from time to time if I should have given him more time. I wanted to really be in love with the person I ended up with so I made a decision. Was it wrong was I expecting too much I’ll never know but I don’t really care at this point that was a different person and am different today then back then. Best let it go and move on.
 
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