Missing my childhood home and having trouble keeping faith

[starrygirl]

Everyone has to go through changes. I’m no exception. Yet this is the moment of my life that I have gone through more changes than I ever did.

First, let me fill you in with some background info: I’m a teenager who just finished a public exam. The exam will be used for universities to admit students. The exams have a remarking system where your grades could be promoted, an appeal system where you can demand reconsideration. I was only one grade short of the minimum requirement and is forced to find alternatives.

This is the first change: I have no idea where I am going to, universities wise. I had a back up plan to go to another country, but with only 1 month and a half to prepare and pack it’s too hard, emotionally for me. The remarking results aren’t released yet and even though I requested a remark, I have no idea whether my grades will change. Right now, no university would take me and none of my choices is actually what I want to study.

The main problem comes with choosing. What should I do? Should I try again and retake the exam? What if even that doesn’t work out? Should I take an associate program and hope for transfer while retaking?

There are too many choices. I know God has the best plan for me in mind, but I don’t know what it is. I want to follow his plan but I have no idea whether I’m going the right way. I also know that there are blessings in disguise but it’s hard to keep hoping. I still hope but I always get shaken because I don’t know what the future might bring.

The second change was moving. I’ve been living in the same house for over a decade and in this uncertain times, my parents have decided to move. I kept on saying no to the idea and only reluctantly said “I think this is comparatively homely” about one flat they were seeing and they made up their mind already. The time of moving is exactly positioned at the time of awaiting all the remark, appeal, university offer results period.

I’ve lost my anchor, my home.

I want to go back. I’ve been praying that I may find the ability to go back to the old home (e.g. finding more money). Sometimes, I worry if it would ever happen. I wonder if God has something else for me and right now, I’m not ready to accept another plan yet. I need time to heal.

The final problem is a family problem. My parents saw me crying day after day, night after night in the new home. They really wanted me to feel better so they started to do anything that would make me feel at home again. I appreciate it, of course. But whenever I start sharing on how I feel after a few times, they snap and say that I’m annoying and stressing them out. After snapping at me, they suddenly do things to please me again. It’s only been a few days since we’ve moved, but they were unhappy that I couldn’t be “uplifting”. So I tried to be uplifting. By saying positive things about how we may go back and this move is all for the better and they say “We know, okay? Stop saying that. I don’t know how to respond to you anymore.”

They think I’m demanding too much, but I think they don’t understand how I feel. This is probably the worst time a move can be scheduled for me. I did try to cope, I really did. But I can’t. Now I’ve just starting to accept the fact that we’ve really moved, I need to face the remarking results tomorrow. This new house doesn’t give me strength. I dislike going back there. I’ve been returning to the old home everyday since we left. I still tear up at the thought of leaving it.

I appreciate any advice =]

 

[Z1Z2]

I’ve lost my anchor, my home.

No you haven’t. Your anchor should be your family, not a building.

 

[angell1]

No you haven’t. Your anchor should be your family, not a building.

hi

thanks for posting

i can you are going through quite an emotional period right now and it is probably causing you to overthink a lot of things.

first of all, concerning school, i’m not sure how it work in your area but in canada we have colleges and universities. i know the states does as well but everyone just refers to both as college so it’s hard to know which one is bring talked about. anywyas, we also have provincial exams at the end of our school years and your grades are combined with the grades for the rest of year. those whose grades are high enough, go to university, those who have lower grades, go to college. also, in university, how high your grades have to be depends on the program you’re getting in to and also how many people apply to the program. those who go to college, usually do a 2 year program or so and can transfer to university after that. again, i’m not sure how it works for you but perheps you can use that as an outline to keep exploring. don’t give up, sometimes you will find god’s plan in different areas than you were expecting. just keep an open mind.

now as for the move, yes i understand its hard and will take you some time to adjust and the timing wasn’t great either. but it will pass and you just have to trust your parents that they were doing the right thing for the family. perhaps try to make friends in your area or at your local church… i think your parents are getting angry is because they’re getting mixed messages from you. one minute, you’re sad, the next day you’re not. sometimes that can be hard to handle for people. please be patient with them; i’m sure they love you very much and want the best for you so try not to be too hard on them. it’s easy to get attached to a childhood home, i’ve been through it. but eventually it goes away

i dont’ know if you’re catholic or not since your post doesn’t say but if so, go to mass, pray a lot and perhaps confession will help also. i will pray for you. god bless

 

[ellzeena]

You are in the UK? ( I see you used the term “flat” instead of apartment). I know nothing about the educational system there but you are far from “deadheaded”. There MUST be guidance available in the school system, that just makes sense! How can anyone in academia expect someone of your age and small life experience know how to maneuver the world, let alone plan an academic future? perhaps you have not sufficiently scrutinized the availability of academic guidance.

Let me tell you something: in the USA you can have a Ph.D. and be unemployable. I dare say, this must be true everywhere.

As for your family: home is where the heart is. It’s an old aphorism but it’s true. You parents chose their course of action based upon careful consideration of a situation of which you may not have full knowledge. They ALSO have been uprooted; they are not just your parents, they are a man and a woman in the middle of their own lives with their own torments, sorrows, doubts, struggles, loves and hopes. Time to grow up sufficiently to recognize this. They want you to be “happy” but they, themselves, might not be so. They don’t intend to bring upon you any harm or complicate your life in any way but life, itself, puts us (parents) in situations we cannot help or control and, thus, our children as well.

Grow up a bit, little sister. Sit down with your parents and see them as adults struggling in their own lives, as PEOPLE, not “just” Mum and Dad. Talk honestly but PLACE NO BLAME, they appear to be doing what they must, the best they can do, and their marriage must be under strain here. Become a collaborator with them, you are no longer a helpless child.

As for your education: there is more than sufficient time to decide what direction to take. Unless you are a prodigy on a course of making history in a certain field of study (not many ARE so then you’re normal to not be such), you do not need to make a decision right this minute. What you DO need to do is honor your father and mother, if THEY HAVE SO HONORED YOU (very important). Be a partner, no longer a minor child; see them as adult individuals with faults and glowing virtues and love them despite the fact that they may not live up to your expectations because, let me advise you after a lifetime: NOBODY EVER WILL. Including, yourself. This is your hour to shine, to acquire maturity, to offer your parents unconditional love as they have offered you (and this is a rare thing, child to parent), and to soldier on together.

 

[Jeannae]

I’m going through a similar experience…lost my job 3 years ago, gave up my place and things (my daughter has some stuff that I am hanging onto) and am living with my sister…I’m 60 yrs young too, so it is so hard at this age…My daughter is also where I want to be too but I miss the climate I was in and the area…sometimes I think I need to get home to take care of something…the withdrawals have been very painful. .but you know what? I tossed and turned over this and started a novena to get my life back and to where I come from; I am working as a caregiver on call and just waiting for my SSI to kick in which will be about another year. It’s all about $ sometimes but you know I have grown closer to the Lord in all this…and that’s what really counts. If I was to die today, I hope that I am much more worthy than 3 yrs. ago.

I would first check in with “Him” everyday, listen to His spirit…it’s ok to ask for what makes you happy, but remember in heaven He will reveal to us why our situations were such…have you gone through life/experiences/searches, time would pass, and then look back and have a whole different “window” shining on that or did you sense a different spiritualism or enlightenment, or even the fact you recognized God’s hand/presence in things even though at the time you were “blind” to it…
Hang tough…read the Psalms…very powerful in it’s literature of being rescued by the Father Almighty in many verses and for healing too…you never know, something may pop up in your current situation and change your life around again!

"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:1, 4, 7, 13-14
I will keep you posted on my situation…hope this helps.
Sister In Christ,
Jeannae

 

[acadiANNA]

Have you fallen into a type of despair? You have a bright future. Let’s hope the re-mark will bring the result you want. New home, new opportunity. There are some things we can’t control and though hard there is something you can like about it. You will get used to the new place as time goes by. Passing back to your old house will never put you in the present. It will only prolong the misery. As long as we live, things will change. It is designed that way. We always hope change will be for the better…accepting it is a challenge, good or bad. Maybe you could get a book of Catholic Prayers and pray. It would give you some peace. I will pray for you that these difficult and uncertain times will help you grow in patience, acceptance, and courage to get through the changes. It is easier than appears. God bless.

 

[starrygirl]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies, prayers and advice. It is nice to know that someone is always listening and that someone else is trying to get back to their old home as well.

Here’s a bit of my update: It’s been almost three weeks in my new home and I am starting to warm up to it but very slowly. My mom finally revealed to me the complete reason why we moved. I knew it was all about saving money, but I never knew how important it was until she told me how much money they’ve lost. So I am more “okay” with the moving now. Also, my remarking wasn’t successful and all universities have rejected me and now I will be retaking the one subject which I have marginally failed.

I do agree that I have fallen into some state of despair. But I think it’s not just about the moving, or not getting into university. I think why this move has caused so much negative reaction from me is because the old home has always symbolized many things to me. It was the promise of hope and care, when I was young and I was full of dreams. In the past two years, things haven’t been easy for me but living there gave me strength to carry on. Two years ago, I fell in love with a men who broke my heart by playing with my feelings. I had scrupulosity and I was rejected by my parents when I wanted to find medical help. They often said that I was annoying. It was really hard to get through all that on my own. I felt like I had lost my love and my parents just didn’t understand me. I had God’s help, so it made it easier, but I didn’t have the time to sort out my feelings because then I had to prepare for the public exam. I kept all of this feelings back and studied, studied and studied. It was the one thing that kept me numb and going.

This month was like a breaking point for all these events that have been snowballing. The man I love is leaving this country for five years for his career and I think I will be losing him forever. All of my studying, which had kept me going, was all for nothing because all universities rejected me. (In where we live, we have community college but in our culture, studying in it means that you are a sub-standard student and would have little future). Losing my childhood home symbolizes that all my hopes and dreams I had in the past will be gone. It was kind of like the last straw for me. Because staying in my childhood home, I feel like living in a familiar old pace where the magical quality of childhood remained.

I do believe in God and I think he’s trying to tell me something through all this. I am trying to get ready for a new adventure but I just couldn’t stop asking “So what happens now?”
I feel like I’m forced to do all this. Seeing all of my other friends getting into university is a constant reminder of my failure. I know that God’s plans will be greater than anyone could expect but I also know that before getting to a peaceful, inspired state of mind I have to get through this hell first. And I’m not sure when it’s going to end.

 

[underacloud]

starrygirl,

This happens to many people so don’t feel you are somehow singled out. Every year, in every country, there are many more people hoping to be admitted to university than will be admitted. It is not the end of the road at all, but it is a challenge. Retaking your course will not put you very far behind, so is perhaps your best option. Or it may be an opportunity to reconsider your choices more broadly. Keep in mind that with many universities it is more about getting a foot in the door than getting into the course of your choice. Just get in, if you can, and you’ll find that it’s relatively easy to move into other courses if you make reasonable grades and show dedication to your studies. Many people I went to uni with ended up graduating in very different degrees than to which they enrolled. But if uni does not work out for you, there are many other career choices and paths so do not be disheartened.

As for your home - I don’t say this to ignore your feelings, but perhaps to redirect your focus - keep in mind how many people around the world have no place to call home at all. How many people would gladly swap their own circumstances for what you have? In developed countries we have a habit of comparing ourselves to our immediate neighbours, rather than our international neighbours. Say a prayer for people living in Syria, or refugees forced to flee, and then reconsider your own housing situation. It will suddenly look pretty good!

You are leaving school and entering adulthood now. Perhaps God has decided that He wants you to grow up more quickly than you’d like to right now. I suspect it is the uncertainty you fear more than anything, and that is something you should entrust to God as best you can.

God Bless.

 

[starrygirl]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the advice and prayers=]. I’ve been making progress in accepting moving and the retaking public exam thing, believing that it’s part of a better plan that God has for me. But a few days ago, it was the one month mark of us moving into the new flat. It brought back all sorts of memories that made me really, really sad. I guess these moments when I look back and feel sad would always be there, but they will be slowly washed away by time.

I am uncertain about everything right now. Even though I know that at the end, I will grow up and maybe have a better outcome, I keep on thinking: when is this going to end? Sometimes, I feel like fighting a battle that had little promise of succeeding. Everyone is doubting my decision to stay and retake that subject. They were like “If you want this major, why not just go to foreign universities where this subject doesn’t count?” or “You should switch to GCE instead, much easier.” They are saying how the chances of failing is high and how hard it would be to achieve a good grade. Sometimes I doubt myself too. I am not sure if I am really following God’s plan. I can’t say I’ve made a good decision for sure. I see my friends getting into universities, talking about university life and it’s really hard to know that I should be in there with them. Sometimes, I feel a little angry about this. I have moments of weakness when I question God “why me? Why it has to be me that couldn’t get into university?”. I quickly calm down afterwards though.