Thanks MJJean. You made a lot of very true points. I think something that will be difficult for her to understand is my responsibility to raise them catholic. She feels an equal obligation from her perspective. Is there someway to defend this position? I have brought up bringing my oldest to mass with me and she was pretty quick to shut that down. Suggestions? I don’t want her to think I’m superior to her based on my faith.
Well, if there are conflicting parental obligations the best course of action would be some sort of compromise so that both parents could satisfy their obligations and keep the peace at the same time. Maybe arrange to go to Mass with the kids before or after her church services. Her attendance is optional, and she would be welcome, but the kids attendance is not optional.
It’s not about faith superiority, and I would specifically tell her that, it’s about you being an equal parent and your right to spend time with the children, bond with the children, and instruct them in your faith. You are the children’s father. You have every right legally and naturally to bring them with you to Mass if you wish.
It’s often hard for mothers to recognize that their children are also someone else’s children. We carry and birth them, we usually do most of the infant and toddler care, and we tend to make most of the practical arrangements such as doctors visits and so on. So, we think of the kids are ours. It’s difficult for us to truly understand that the children are just as much their fathers as they are ours. If she’s having trouble letting go a bit and letting you be a full and equal parent it is understandable, but it is something she will have to get used to and accept. And something you will have to stand firm on and remind her of until she can share the kids without issue.
She may also be using the kids as a way to keep you at her church. Maybe she thinks that if the kids can’t go to Mass, you will not go. So, again, you have to be firm and stand your ground.
As far as I know, there is not a written obligation for a Baptist to raise their kids in that faith. But the feeling of obligation may be very real. The Catholic Church requires Catholics do everything in their power to raise their children in the Catholic faith. It’s actually written down. However, I have only been able to find reference to this online in relation to mixed faith marriages to be validly recognized by the Church. I have seen the Catholic-Catholic marriage forms our diocese uses (because I hope to be filling them out soon!) and they also state that any children born of the marriage will be brought up Catholic, but I don’t think anyone makes a big deal of this since it is presumed that two Catholics raising children would do it in the faith automatically.
Did you marry in the Church? You said your wife converted “about the time” you married, so was it before or after the marriage? Was your marriage recognized by the Church? If so, somewhere in the paperwork you should find reference to raising the kids Catholic. If you don’t have the Church form anywhere I am sure the diocese or the parish that you married in would have them.
*The Code of Canon Law states:
A marriage between two persons, one of whom has been baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it . . . and the other of whom is not baptized, is invalid. (CIC 1086)A marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons of whom one is baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it after baptism . . . and the other of whom is enrolled in a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the Catholic Church. (CIC 1124)
That said, the Church does allow bishops to grant permission for such marriages provided the following conditions are met:
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The Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church.
*The other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises that the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party.
*Both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage, which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude. (CIC 1125)
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How much time do you spend alone with the kids at home or out and about? Part of this could also be that she doesn’t trust you to take care of the kids properly. Not meant to be insulting, it’s just that us moms think that no one can take care of our kids as well as we do.
I remember when my husband and I first married and I had commitments to honor that necessitated leaving him with the kids. I was a mess! I just knew the kids would be juggling knives and gargling bleach, the house would burn down, and maybe my middle child (the wanderer) would go missing. None of that happened, except the house being a mess, but it was a long while before I truly became comfortable leaving the kids with my husband. It’s not that he isn’t a great guy, he is. It’s not that I doubt his love and commitment to raising the kids, I don’t. It’s not that I don’t trust him to have the sense to handle an emergency, I do. It’s just that they are my babies and it’s hard to let your babies out of your sight. There’s always this worry in the back of your mind that something will happen and you won’t be there to take care of it. That you won’t be there when your babies need you. Sure, dad would be there, but it’s not the same as mommy being there. You may need to alleviate her fears on that score, too.
