Mixed feelings about others

[goodcatholic]

I can love my family and hate them at the same time. This mixed feeling leaves me with shame. I’m a Christian. I’m supposed to love people. Christians aren’t allowed to hate others.
Do you feel the pressure of being Christian? So many "should"s. Do we become who we think we “should” be? Instead of just relaxing and letting the process of transformation take place.
My oldest brother is a paradox. On the one hand he’s a very talented writer but on the other hand, he hardly ever reaches that potential. I used to look up to him, have him on a pedestal but now I don’t. He’s imperfect which disappoints me. because I used to allow him bully me and insult me and put me down. But now I see, he’s a hypocrite. He never reached any great heights. Yet there is a compassionate side to him that is not fake. His ability to love others is stronger than mine overall.

 

[ratio1]

Do you feel the pressure of being Christian? So many "should"s. Do we become who we think we “should” be?

When there is perfect love then there is no “should”.
You’re not doing it because you should. Rather you are doing it because of love. The ultimate I think is “I’m doing it because…well… I’m doing it. There is no because”. When love is so entrenched in oneself then all these “shoulds” become as natural as breathing. We don’t even think about it.

This is a lofty goal.
Confucius said he couldn’t do it until age 70.
He said something like “ at 70 I do whatever my heart wants, without breaking rules”

Now a lot of people misinterpret this to mean “I do whatever I want as long as I don’t break any rules”. This doesn’t make sense knowing what he has said just previously and also what’s so hard about this?
He is really saying “I do whatever my heart wants. And this never breaks any rules when I do that.”

 

[chieft]

A good Christian friend once told me concerning family.“Your supposed to love them. Don’t have to like them.” I think he is right.

 

[Vico]

Christians aren’t allowed to hate others.

Christian certainly are allowed to hate others, otherwise sin would not be possible. Feelings of hatred should willfully be resisted and hateful thoughts and action stopped, to avoid sin.

 

[JosephineBakhita]

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”

― G.K. Chesterton

 

[guanophore]

I can love my family and hate them at the same time. This mixed feeling leaves me with shame. I’m a Christian. I’m supposed to love people. Christians aren’t allowed to hate others.

Actually, love /hate relationships are normal. In order to have enough emotional investment to “hate” one must be invested in a relationship. Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite.

It also depends upon how you are defining “Hate”. If you are just referring to emotional reactions, then this is not an opposite of love. Real godly love has nothing to do with emotions.

Do you feel the pressure of being Christian? So many "should"s.

Only when I forget about grace, and fall into trying to do things on my own power. Where God guides, He provides. He does not call us to love others without providing the grace for us to do so. It is not possible for humans to achieve the standards of God without grace.

Do we become who we think we “should” be? Instead of just relaxing and letting the process of transformation take place.

I think both things happen. We must work as if it all depends upon us, and trust as though it all depends upon Him.

He’s imperfect which disappoints me.

Well this is a great opportunity for you to be perfected in holiness! It has been said that we no longer need to wear a camel’s hair shirt because we probably live with one!

Love is, above all, a decision, followed by multiple acts of the will based upon that decision. Choosing to love does not preclude having hateful feelings, or any number of unpleasant emotions.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

 

[goodcatholic]

Real godly love has nothing to do with emotions.

Could you elaborate on this one? I think if we all knew what Godly love was exactly, we might get closer to doing it.
Feelings and emotions must be a glimpse of Godly love though. I’m rather fond of my feelings. I certainly don’t like robotic conversations.

He does not call us to love others without providing the grace for us to do so.

Grace. Yes that is the one we need. The X factor to achieve the impossible. Thanks for your post.

 

[guanophore]

Could you elaborate on this one? I think if we all knew what Godly love was exactly, we might get closer to doing it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 goodcatholic is patient, goodcatholic is kind. goodcatholic does not envy, goodcatholic does not boast, goodcatholic is not proud. 5 goodcatholic does not dishonor others, goodcatholic is not self-seeking, goodcatholic is not easily angered, goodcatholic keeps no record of wrongs. 6 goodcatholic does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7goodcatholic always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 goodcatholic never fails.

As you can see, goodcatholic, there is nothing here that is based on emotions. These behaviors are acts of the will.

Feelings and emotions must be a glimpse of Godly love though. I’m rather fond of my feelings. I certainly don’t like robotic conversations.

The practice of godly love need not be devoid of emotions, and I would say that being perfected in these actions would bring us great joy and peace. However, they are also not based in emotion, and many times must occur in contradiction to emotion (such as choosing to forgive when one feels very resentful).

 

[TheOldColonel]

I do what makes rational sense to me when it comes to other people.

1. I believe forgiveness must be requested before granted. If not asked for it certainly will not be granted. Additionally, I never tell anyone else they should forgive. I find such advice inappropriate if I was not the offended party. I regularly see people gushing out forgiveness to some very uncontrite people as if it’s some sort of self-help technique. I think that makes forgiveness quite cheap and meaningless.
2. I feel no obligation to love anyone. If I love someone, it’s my choice. If I don’t there’s always a good reason. The same holds true for whether I like someone as well. I know Jesus is reputed as saying we should love our enemies. But I’ll never be onboard with that. I feel strongly that Love is not the appropriate sentiment for an enemy. I simply cannot do something I feel is wrong or misguided.
3. I remove toxicity from my life. If a relationship becomes toxic, it’s over. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with friends or family members or a spouse. If the relationship is important enough to save, then the one creating the toxicity if responsible for the clean-up.
4. I make sure those around me know how I feel about these matters. That seems to foster both mutual respect and accountability. Many problems can be avoided just by letting others know how you feel.

I know it doesn’t sound very Christian, but this works quite well for the Old Colonel.

 

[Saxum]

Christians aren’t allowed to hate others

The Bible says in several places that we must hate evildoers. Here’s one example:

“Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?” - Psalm 139

Here’s another example:

Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; - Romans 12:9

 

[Saxum]

I know it doesn’t sound very Christian, but this works quite well for the Old Colonel

I think it sounds very sensible. I also think most Christians have a false idea about what the Gospel requires. As you said, we aren’t supposed to “forgive” unrepentant sinners.

And we aren’t supposed to suffer toxic people who cause us to sin; Jesus told us to cut off our right hand if it causes us to sin so I have no problem cutting off people who make me sin through anger etc.

And we can’t love evil people who refuse to repent. I’ll pray for them but I won’t “love them.” I’ll do an act of mercy and admonish sinners. I’ll love them by showing them how to repent.

Christianity isn’t supposed to castrate us. Our Lord is a tough man who fights when necessary. He wasn’t afraid to put the Pharisees in their place with very strong language. And he literally smashed tables and drove the money changers out of the temple. Jesus is no wimp.

 

[TheOldColonel]

Sounds like we’re cut from the same cloth.

 

[goodcatholic]

I feel no obligation to love anyone. If I love someone, it’s my choice. If I don’t there’s always a good reason. The same holds true for whether I like someone as well. I know Jesus is reputed as saying we should love our enemies. But I’ll never be onboard with that. I feel strongly that Love is not the appropriate sentiment for an enemy. I simply cannot do something I feel is wrong or misguided.

wow. that’s from left field. I didn’t expect an answer like that.

 

[TheOldColonel]

Love is free.

 

[gabrielcannizzo]

I do my best to love and accept my family, while they don’t accept me. They hate that I’m a Catholic, and we usually have horrible discussions on religious matters, mostly because they usually attempt to make a fool of me because of my faith and they quite enjoy talking trash about the Church, Our Lord, the Most Holy Virgin and so on. Sometimes I want to get out and never return. I’ve been praying for their conversion for many years but they just keep getting worse. I don’t know what to do, except thinking that love/hate relationships are normal as someone said above, because in spite of wanting to run away, I also keep trying to forgive and forget and live peacefully.

 

[TheOldColonel]

You have every right to demand this behavior stop regardless of their views on religion. It’s disrespectful and abusive. If they insist upon being abusive, there should be consequences for the relationships. Indeed, abusive relationships must either be repaired or ended. Otherwise, you will remain the perpetual recipient of their egregious disrespect of you as a person. If they wish to have a relationship with you, set the boundaries and decide what the sanctions will be if those boundaries are violated. Once you set the boundaries, do not waiver. Impose sanctions up to and including terminating the relationship.

 

[gabrielcannizzo]

Thanks for your advise! I guess we’re kinda past the point of setting the limits, because boundaries previously set have been trespassed many times. I’m praying this will eventually end, if not, I know someday I’m gonna leave that house for well. God bless you

 

[goodcatholic]

I feel your patience with them will be rewarded someday. God Bless.

 

[goodcatholic]

This is where I (and perhaps many others) misinterpreted the Gospel’s “turn the other cheek”. We thought it meant having no boundaries.

 

[goodcatholic]

Christianity isn’t supposed to castrate us.

That’s a classic. I might borrow that one to use in future myself!