mixed issues

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stuartell

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i am a married but recently seperated man,i have met a lady who is amazing and feels strongly for me,but she will not take it any fruther because of my wife even though seperated.
is there any reason for this or are we free to move it on?
really like this lady alot
 
You are still married! Marriage is for life. Divorce does not dissolve marriage vows. Separation is just you and your wife living apart, for whatever reason. So, no you cannot just move on.

Since you are married, you have no business getting involved with this lady. She is correct. Look after your marriage.
 
the question i ask is whats stops her getting involved,not what stops me getting involved(she catholic,im not),my marriage is dead,in the real world this happens.you dont stay with people you dont love,that ruins lives
 
SHE believes as a Catholic that you are still married and not free to date. Even if she wasn’t Catholic, you are only separated. You don’t have a divorce decree, so even a cautious non-Catholic woman wouldn’t want to date you because that would be like adultery for her.

Most women I know don’t date married men.
 
stuartell said:
the question i ask is whats stops her getting involved,not what stops me getting involved(she catholic,im not),my marriage is dead,in the real world this happens.you dont stay with people you dont love,that ruins lives
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I guess no one ever told you this, but “love” doesn’t have a whole lot to do with marriage. It does make the ups and downs of your life together easier to bear, and a man should love his wife,but it is not required for a marriage to be sucessful. Your lady friend is right not to persue a relationship with you under these circimstances.
 
stuartell said:
the question i ask is whats stops her getting involved,not what stops me getting involved(she catholic,im not),
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Well, adultery is a sin against the Sixth Commandment. You are a married man. You are not free to date, and you are not free to pursue marriage with her.
stuartell said:
my marriage is dead,in the real world this happens.you dont stay with people you dont love,that ruins lives
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You and she have very different views of marriage. Marriage is permanent. As you have described it above, you believe marriage is only until you don’t think you are in love anymore and you just move on.

That is **not **the Catholic understanding of marriage based on Christ’s teaching. You likely have very many things that you differ on, not just this.
 
stuartell said:
the question i ask is whats stops her getting involved,not what stops me getting involved
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Be thankful that at least one of you sees what’s happening here. Love for God should top the love any man or woman should have for the other. That’s the case in any relationship; not just yours. This woman’s love for God and respect for marriage is what’s stopping her from getting involved. You’re right: she is an amazing woman, because she realizes her duty to God first and foremost over any other relationship she might have. It’s not about you; it’s about your situation. I don’t mean to be condescending or anything, but part of being an adult is to realize one’s responsibilities, in any circumstance and no matter how difficult it may seem. Unless your marriage was invalid and annulled, your responsibility is to live as a chaste man. She realizes this, and is not willing to endanger your or her own soul for it. That is a remarkable, albeit difficult feat. You will be in my prayers.
 
stuartell said:
the question i ask is whats stops her getting involved,not what stops me getting involved(she catholic,im not),my marriage is dead,in the real world this happens.you dont stay with people you dont love,that ruins lives
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Greetings, and welcome to the Catholic Answers forums. 🙂

Brushing aside the insinuation that we Catholics somehow do not live in the real world, I’ll see if I can help you answer some of these questions. In order for her to get involved with you, a few things would need to happen at a bare minimum. (This presumes, of course, that she’s doing everything “by the book” so to speak.)

*You need to be divorced.
*You need to have your marriage annulled in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
*She needs to be assured that you’re not imminently about to reconcile with your wife. Doing the above things is the way to make that happen.

You said that you’re recently separated with your wife, so it would be reasonable for someone to presume that reconciliation with your wife is not completely off the table. This is just a guess but I suspect this is what’s keeping her at arm’s length. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment: if her involvement with you aggravates your chances of reconciliation with your wife and provokes a divorce where there would otherwise be none, how would that make her feel?

I suggest letting her keep her distance until things are dealt with, one way or the other. Don’t put this woman in a position where she could be called a homewrecker.
 
***Don’t cheat on your wife, stuart. No matter how you justify it in your mind, it will be cheating. I have seen in my family what cheating does…and the clever excuses people give when they are married (albeit separated) when it comes to cheating. Please, try to work on your marriage…but don’t start up with another woman, while you are still married.

If you were already divorced, with a decree of nullity, we would have a different opinion of your situation. I admire the woman though who you are trying to date, she at least has scruples to not wish to date a married man, smart lady!

Praying for you, stuart. Welcome to CAF by the way. No one here will advise you to date another woman while you’re still married, by the way. You have arrived at a Catholic forum, you know.😉 God bless, and stay true.***
 
Stuart,
Love is a choice. It’s not something you fall in and out of like a ditch. You make a decision to love someone. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. Couples who have been married 50 years say the same thing. “There were times we couldn’t stand each other.” The reason they succeeded is they didn’t leave the marriage at its low point.

When someone sees that you left a vow made to God because your emotions dictated your actions, emotions that change and are subject to circumstances, it doesn’t give someone a good feeling that if they committed to you, someday you would leave them just like the wife you left because you fell out of love.

Once you loved her enough to marry her. Make a decision to love your wife. Learn the joy of falling in love all over again with someone whom you share a history with.

Otherwise you’re just another guy who didn’t keep a promise.
 
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