Mixed Marriage Advice Need

[MSNAV]

Hello,

A bit of background before my question.
I was born and raised Roman Catholic, and went to Catholic school through High School Graduation. During College and graduate school I fell away from practicing the faith.
During that Time I was married, to my wonderful wife of 9 years, in a methodist ceremony. As you can guess my wife is methodist.

In December I felt called back to the church, and have since that time done my best to be in full communion with the church attending mass and confession as well as cleaning up aspects of my life that I let get away from me living largely in a secular world.

My wife has been extremely gracious and loving about the whole process. Supporting my decision and even attending mass with me, especially in light of the fact that when we were married since I was not practicing this is “not really what she signed up for”. In all honesty, I couldn’t have predicted a better response and in fact was worried it was going to much worse.

The one issue we are still struggling with is over artificial birth control. She does not see a problem with it and neither does the methodist church. In all honesty, and I know this sounds weird but i ist the truth, even having gone to Catholic school all my life I really thought it was frowned upon but not a huge deal, that understanding has obviously been recently corrected with my return to the church and the absolute and clear stance the church takes on ABC calling it inherently evil. This was not a problem when we got married because 1) I honestly didn’t know any better and 2) I wasn’t a practicing Catholic.

Here is my question: Even in this difficult dilemma our marriage is facing I honestly think my wife is being extremely gracious. It is not her belief that ABC is wrong, yet she continues to be open to discussing stopping its use, she has even agreed to goto an NFP class, though she states its on me to convince her its better and will actually work. Her agreement to attend the class was open minded and really didn’t take much convincing. Right now I believe NFP is moral for us as I am being sent away for work(military) as well as dealing with some mental health issues (also military). My question is (I also have time setup to speak with a priest but he was booked till early may and I am still having difficulty with this now) I feel like I am doing everything I can: Praying, Speaking with my wife, having patients, we are even going to counseling (we actually aren’t fighting about this its been a surprisingly receptive issue on her end) to explore both here fears of motherhood and to make sure that this very difficult topic is talked about with patience and sensitivity.

So the root of the question is (knowing as much as you can above): Am I being immoral every time my wife and I have relations, am I not allowed communion because of this. In my heart I feel like we are working on this and it is just going to take time for us to get on the same page. I love my wife and feel like her openness to this even though its a drastic change really shows her love for me, I keep going back to the passage where Jesus talks about the two most important commandments being Love God above all and Love your neighbor as yourself with all commandments being an interpretation of those two. While I know sex does not equal love, sex is a part of marriage and discontinue relations with my wife would definitely make her feel somewhat undesired and unwanted, which is not something she deserves. I’m stuck
any advice appreciated.

 

[pensmama87]

It really is a blessing that your wife is so open to your “reversion”! And welcome back!

One thing you don’t mention that you may want to with your priest when you do meet is the possibility of having your marriage convalidated. Since you were baptized Catholic, you are required to follow canon law on marriage. If you didn’t seek a dispensation from a priest to be permitted to marry in the Methodist church, then the Church does not see you as married right now, which is a much bigger problem than the birth control issue. So if that hasn’t been taken care of, I would take care of that first.

With regards to the birth control issue, again, it’s wonderful that your wife is willing to learn about NFP and be convinced. I grew up secular and it was really the teachings on NFP that eventually won me over - I learned about it as “fertility awareness” (as it’s known in the secular world) first. There are lots of reasons to be anti-contraception besides religion, so it might be helpful for your wife to know about those, too. Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a well known book that is about fertility awareness but is not religious.

My understanding, which has mostly been learned on CAF reading other threads about this, is that you incur no sin if you are not assisting in the contraception. So, if you’re using a barrier method, for example and you put it in place, then that would not be OK. But if your wife is on the Pill, for example, you’re not actually doing the contracepting - she is. And she knows already that you object.

(Keep in mind, though, that if your marriage is not recognized in the Church yet you’ve got other sins on your plate when it comes to sex, so that’s why I said to talk about convalidation with your priest if that is necessary.)

Again, God bless you and welcome home! I hope that this thread will be helpful to you and not cause you anxiety, but really hope that you will be able to meet with your priest and he will guide you well.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Welcome back! My mother was a Methodist, later converted, and father a cradle Catholic.

I believe that the previous poster was correct that you are not committing any sin just because your wife is using contraceptives. You do need to have your marriage blessed by the Church, ‘convalidated’ is the term. This is usually a fairly simple matter.

 

[MSNAV]

We are in the process of getting the Convalidation,
the only hold up we are having is that my wife feels this ceremony
invalidates the years of wedded bliss we have had.

 

[AnnArbor]

We are in the process of getting the Convalidation,
the only hold up we are having is that my wife feels this ceremony
invalidates the years of wedded bliss we have had.

You may want to ask your priest about a radical sanation. That is a little different from a convalidation, which is really a wedding. Good luck!

 

[YADA]

We are in the process of getting the Convalidation,
the only hold up we are having is that my wife feels this ceremony
invalidates the years of wedded bliss we have had.

As a person who married outside the church and then had the Convalidation - as noted simple as in after Mass, two witnesses and our priest …A few minutes …But so important a span of time!!! …You and your wife can/could/should think of it as a re-affirmation of vows …Lots of people renew there marriage vows like on a wedding anniversary or after they have gone through a tough patch in their marriage …It doesn’t change the love and respect you shared in the past but is a positive promise moving ahead in your life together.

Like looking at a glass …Is it half full or half empty …Of course the Engineer in me says …Hey the glass is not sized correctly …

Blessings and welcome home!