Mixed Marriage Exclusion by Parish for Non-Catholic Spouse

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TheLittleLady

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Here on the forums it is not uncommon for the non-Catholic spouse in a mixed marriage to state that they are “looked down on” and/or “excluded” by their spouse’s parish.

My job on staff is communications, outreach, membership, and I want to make sure that our parish is not doing something to make the non-Catholic spouses feel unwelcome or excluded.

So, I ask, details from those who have experienced this at the parish level.

Thank you in advance.
 
So, just a handful:

The asterisk: If you want it on your call list so if you’re calling about something that the Catholic needs to answer or speak to…fine, but to have it on mailers, envelopes, parish yearbook/photo registry, church mailboxes looks bad. It comes off as a “scarlet letter”

Membership: Each year at the parish festival, it’s expected that each parish member would have a job. For all of the Dad’s in the parish, it was either cooking the pig or bartending. I noticed after 2 years of marriage and our family being “members” I wasn’t being added to the festival. So it hit, I asked my wife if it’s because I’m not Catholic…she said yep, because you’re not Catholic you aren’t a member so you’re not really welcome to participate. That also explained why I usually didn’t get an invite either.

It’s OK to communicate with me too. If my wife asks me to contact the church for any reason, you can reply back to me. You don’t have to bypass me.

Priest: I mean, it is what it is…you can’t really do anything there. I’ve been to homilies and his letter in the bulletin has put down NC’s. One reason I don’t like to go to church and feel unwelcome. I don’t go to church to be put down, or looked down on. If the priest puts down NC’s in the homily or bulliten, it’ll be pretty difficult for NC’s to feel welcome.

Not much you can do about Communion stink eye, or people complaining under their voice that they’re sitting next to or behind “the NC”

IDK if I can really think of off the top of my head right now, but if I think of something I’ll be sure to add it.
 
Thank you for your reply.

These things honestly make me want to cry. Just know that not all parishes are that way 😦
 
Thanks, I’m hearing that not all parishes are that way, but for now it is what it is.

If you have any specific ideas or questions about something you want to try where you’re at, I’m always open to listen and throw an opinion your way.
 
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Well, right now, it seems that we are doing well 🙂

Non Catholics are members of the parish, no asterisk. Non-Catholics may help as ushers, volunteers, sing in the choir, drive the bus, sling food at a festival pretty much anything except be Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion or Lector or be the head teacher in a Faith Formation class (they may assist a Catholic teacher).

I’ve never heard a homily speaking ill of non-Catholics, we would not put something mean in the bulletin.

Individual people, well, no way to control everyone but the overall tone of our parish is to be kind and welcoming.
 
Blessings
My (name removed by moderator)ut is positive. My Dad was NC. He was allowed to be godparent for my niece. That was cool. He raised his kids Catholic
GBY
IN CHRISTS LOVE
TWEEDLEALICE
 
The Church requires one Catholic Baptismal Sponsor, the other person may be a non-Catholic Christian Witness.
 
TC3033 said:
The asterisk: If you want it on your call list so if you’re calling about something that the Catholic needs to answer or speak to…fine, but to have it on mailers, envelopes, parish yearbook/photo registry, church mailboxes looks bad. It comes off as a “scarlet letter”

Membership: Each year at the parish festival, it’s expected that each parish member would have a job. For all of the Dad’s in the parish, it was either cooking the pig or bartending. I noticed after 2 years of marriage and our family being “members” I wasn’t being added to the festival. So it hit, I asked my wife if it’s because I’m not Catholic…she said yep, because you’re not Catholic you aren’t a member so you’re not really welcome to participate. That also explained why I usually didn’t get an invite either.

It’s OK to communicate with me too. If my wife asks me to contact the church for any reason, you can reply back to me. You don’t have to bypass me.

Priest: I mean, it is what it is…you can’t really do anything there. I’ve been to homilies and his letter in the bulletin has put down NC’s. One reason I don’t like to go to church and feel unwelcome. I don’t go to church to be put down, or looked down on. If the priest puts down NC’s in the homily or bulliten, it’ll be pretty difficult for NC’s to feel welcome.

Not much you can do about Communion stink eye, or people complaining under their voice that they’re sitting next to or behind “the NC”

IDK if I can really think of off the top of my head right now, but if I think of something I’ll be sure to add it.
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I just want you to know that not all parishes are like this. You’d be welcome to participate in our parish functions (we’re generally on the lookout for all the help we can get). And I have never, not even once, knownour priest to put down non-Catholics in homilies or in the bulletin. Frankly, I find that appalling. And if you were my husband, I’d be discussing it directly with Father.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
My job on staff is communications, outreach, membership, and I want to make sure that our parish is not doing something to make the non-Catholic spouses feel unwelcome or excluded.

So, I ask, details from those who have experienced this at the parish level.

Thank you in advance.
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Do you have anyone helping you with these jobs? I think they are each very important. Communications involves (name removed by moderator)ut from ministry heads and the priest and making sure news gets out timely and correctly. Outreach? May I suggest a person, or persons whose task is to write a welcome note to newcomers to the parish who sign the guest book. Don’t have one, get one. You may be surprised at the lives you touch. Lastly, the most important task, membership. Don’t let people fall through the cracks. If old Mrs. So-and-So doesn’t pick up her envelopes, someone please give her a call. If she doesn’t answer have the priest or deacon give her a visit. Call her family. Please let someone, especially Mrs. So-and-So, know that she is missed and the parish cares about her. If you have a big parish, enlist help for these tasks. They are souls in your care.

Edited to add, have no suggestions about non-members since usually members and potential members get ignored equally.
 
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The parishes I’ve been in have been equally welcoming to believers and non-believers in the families.
I don’t think it makes sense to look down on anyone because they’ve not yet received the gift of faith.
It is a gift, so any of us might just as easily not received the gift of faith yet.
 
I’m happy none of the parishes where we’ve been have looked down on my NC husband.

In our present parish he has been part of our choir and the Grand Knight tried to recruit him for KofC because he didn’t realize M. wasn’t Catholic.

In another parish where we became friends with the Padre, the Padre didn’t realize M. wasn’t Catholic, he just questioned why he didn’t come to Mass regularly. It was a friend who replied, “Father, not too many members of the United Church of Canada come to Mass regularly.” He was surprised because he’d seen M. cross himself when Grace was said so had assumed he was Catholic.
 
Just checking in, wondering if @thelittlelady has heard of anything else. Kinda surprised how quick the thread died off, I thought that there were much more individuals that are in / close to people who are in mixed marriages.
 
I’ve been on staff for a decade. This is my full time job. No one else helps, our parish is one where we beg and ask and hint and suggest but we get no volunteers 🙂

A guest book might work in a small parish or one with a nice big gathering space. Ours is a narthex about the size of my desk. One book for prayer requests is in that prime real estate. We have welcome cards for visitors and newcomers in the pews, have for about a year. Not one visitor has ever used them!

Keeping an accurate member list is vital. We call all of our parishioners at least once a month, we send out cards. For us the most difficult task is catching those who have attended for ages but never bothered to give us their info.
 
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