Mixed Marriage Help

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HI. I’m trying to find out what to do to help my family. I’m married and have three children with my husband.

My husband is Baptist and the children and I are Catholic. They’ve been baptized and the older two go to Catholic school. While my husband allows the kids to go to Catholic school, he’s not happy about it - yet he doesn’t go to his own church either.

Over the years he made it clear to me that he does not like the Catholic church. He used stronger words, but I pray he didn’t mean it. I pray for him every night. I’m worried about him and the state of our family. Right now he feels it is sufficient for him that he “talks” to God every day.

I’m stuck in between here. I don’t want this situation to mislead the kids in thinking it isn’t necessary to go to church. I mean the moment I turned fully to God would not have occurred if I hadn’t gone to church that very day. (I’ve also noticed since that moment, I’ve had difficulties in my marraige. Ever since I’ve prayed more and gone to church more, got involved in my parish…)

He can get very grumpy with the kids and they notice his anger. I don’t know what to do other than pray, pray, pray. The girls are older and starting to notice that other families have their dad in church with them. I will continue to pray for a conversion of heart in him and for patience in me. I’ve seen the power of prayer. Every prayer we utter is a miracle. I guess what I’m asking is how do I deal with this situation I’m now in? How can I respect my husband without sacrificing my beliefs? How can I lead us to a peaceful family life?
Thanks in advance for your time.

Jen
 
During premarital preparation, what opinions did he express abou the Church? When you discussed how you would raise your children, did he agree that they would be raised Catholic as the Church requires for you, a Catholic, to marry a non-Catholic? Did you marry in the Catholic Church?

I guess I am asking how none of this came up before you were married, and if it did come up why you would marry an anti-Catholic man?

You can continue to pray for him and raise your children Catholic. You can continue to be an example and Christian witness The Holy Spirit will have to work in him regarding conversion, but he must cooperate with that grace. Sounds like he is not cooperating with any grace at all, not even going to his Baptist church.
 
Hi Jen, I’m offering you advice based on my experience in my mixed marriage of 18 years.

Remember, you have an obligation to rear your children in the faith. No matter what your husband’s displeasure, you have to honor that obligation. If your husband makes an ultimatum, then you should call your pastor and talk to him about what your obligations are. In fact, maybe you should do that, anyway.

I’ve never toned down my expression of our Catholic faith because I know it’s the best way for my kids to get to Heaven. But, I have been respectful if my husband has asked me not to take on a volunteer opportunity at Church. We have 7 kids, and it puts the burden on him if I’m off working at Church while he’s dealing with them alone.

My husband usually goes to Mass with us, but he’s gone months without going to Mass with us. Or, he’s gone haphazardly. I ask him to go, but I don’t nag, sulk or complain if he doesn’t. If the kids comment on him not going to Mass, I just say that Catholics have an obligation to go to Mass, but nonCatholics don’t.

My husband is not open to conversations about apologetics or to reading about the faith. But, one thing that has helped us a lot is being with faithful Catholic families. We have a wonderful community of Catholic families with really neat Catholic men.

Another thing that has helped my husband is being at events/liturgies with really great priests. He’s been chaperone on some Catholic boys retreats, and he comes away more inspired than the boys. One time he came home from one of the boy’s ConQuest retreats and suggested we pray a family rosary that night. Conversely, if he’s at an event with an uninspiring priest, he is more negative about the Church. Our associate pastor looks and acts really bored during Mass. It’s a real discouragement.

So, if your dh has a passion for something–art, music, sports, it will help to find a good Catholic venue for it.

He also loves beautiful Church architecture. Our parish is kinda blah, but when we go to an old, beautiful Catholic church, I can tell it really touches him. So, if there’s an opportunity to go a beautiful church, I’m so excited to go.

It’s hard, I know, not to share the love you have for God and the Church with your spouse. It’s like your two great loves are in different worlds.

I tell my children that they need to marry devout Catholics. I don’t regret my marriage at all. I love my spouse passionately, but I want them to be able to have one heart for God.

But, we are getting there…be patient and keep praying.

with love, Leonie
 
Thank you both for your answers. Leonie, thank you for all that advice. I know they will help. We’ve been married ten years so far. Congratulations on 18 years!

Ke, yes, we’ve been to pre marital counceling. When we were dating, I knew he was Baptist and he knew I was Catholic. I don’t recall him being as negative as he is now about Catholocism. I guess what I’m saying is I knew he was Baptist - but didn’t know about the anti Catholic attitude until a couple years ago. He agreed in front of the priest to raise the kids Catholic. We even discussed schools when we were dating. I always said I’d want them in Catholic school. If his attitude had been like this when we were dating, I probably would have thought twice.

There have also been changes over the years. Part of his anger I think is due to our situation. 2 of the three kids have chronic medical problems. I on the other hand have grown even closer to God and my faith than I have ever been.

Thanks again for your responses 🙂
 
I am in the same situation, married for 29 years to a Baptist and former Catholic. I am currently reading The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Leseur, a woman with strong faith married to an atheist. After her death, he became a Christian and then a Catholic priest. Perhaps it will give you some help.
 
Jengl said:
Thank you both for your answers. Leonie, thank you for all that advice. I know they will help. We’ve been married ten years so far. Congratulations on 18 years!

Ke, yes, we’ve been to pre marital counceling. When we were dating, I knew he was Baptist and he knew I was Catholic. I don’t recall him being as negative as he is now about Catholocism. I guess what I’m saying is I knew he was Baptist - but didn’t know about the anti Catholic attitude until a couple years ago. He agreed in front of the priest to raise the kids Catholic. We even discussed schools when we were dating. I always said I’d want them in Catholic school. If his attitude had been like this when we were dating, I probably would have thought twice.

There have also been changes over the years. Part of his anger I think is due to our situation. 2 of the three kids have chronic medical problems. I on the other hand have grown even closer to God and my faith than I have ever been.

Thanks again for your responses 🙂
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A lot of Baptist have an Anti-Catholic, pretty much anti-everyone-but-them understanding of Christianity ingrained into them as a child.

For instance, in many Baptist and other Fundamentalist Evangelical churches children are taught that there was this wonderful thing call the early Christian church. All of these original Christians were really Baptist / Fundamentalist. Then around 300 AD Constantine saw a sign in the heavens, which wasn’t really a cross but an Ankh (representing the Egyptian Sun god) and created a false Christian church called the Roman Catholic Church. At which time all other, and real Christians, had to go underground rarely to be seen, except for a few persecutions by the evil Catholics, until the Reformation. As a young child I was taught that Baptist weren’t protestants, they were the REAL Church, the Church of Christ (which was started in like 1812) teaches their members something similar.

Now of course with any logic, with any study of theology and with any understanding of history the whole underground Baptist thing is a farce. Once I asked what Baptist groups were persecuted by the Catholics and was told the Cathars. When I researched their beliefs I found them pretty far from any Baptist belief I knew of and much more Gnostic than anything… The problem is many people don’t want to know, many people want to be told exactly what to believe. Your husband may have some friends or family that through the years have picked at the fact that his wife is Catholic and may be telling him his children are “goin’ to HELL!” etc…

You note that your husband isn’t going to church really and thinks he can just talk with God about this. That’s another misnomer some Protestants get into… just because God can reveal something to you in the Bible, dosen’t mean you don’t need community. Christianity is a community religion, you can’t do it all on your own…

As you can see I’m Catholic. My family and I converted after years of research. I was raised Baptist then became Presbyterian in High School (I turn 40 this year). While I was never fully a Calvinist, I couldn’t take the Baptist Dispensationalism (ask your husband when that understanding of the Bible came about? and how?) hint it was well after even the reformation), the judgementalness on everyone else etc… I know some Baptist who are not this way and are good friends but the fundamentalist idea of I’m right, everyone else is wrong, eventually leads to this at least on some level.

Most other Protestants don’t understand this type of teaching is given to many young fundamentalist, possibly less so today but the in the 70s it was huge. It’s easily disproven, all you really need to do is to read the Early Church Fathers and you quickly realize they were all Catholic 🙂 But it sounds like your husband just wants to pass judgment rather than study for himself.

My suggestion - “Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic” by David Currie. While she isn’t ready to convert yet, that book brought my 65 year old mother very close to the Church (along with my explaining things as well).

At the same time if your husband is so sure we Catholics are wrong… ask him to go to RCIA and go with him. The first of RCIA is Q&A usually in most parishes where those who are interested in the Church can set the record straight. If he truly cares for his kids, then he owes it to them to better understand what they are going to be taught in school. He obviously hasn’t done that yet.

For me personally I had considered the Church for years but felt, from my previous work on a Catholic SEARCH retreat team, it was little different than my Presbyterian beliefs (which I admit I had a few issues with). Upon some research and much prayer, I felt myself being drawn to the Church. Question which I believe God put on my heart when I was a Youth Minister were being answered… they were always there, I just couldn’t see them due to my “Reformed” view of Theology.

So I would suggest the book and then tell him he needs to go to RCIA and ask his questions if he feels they are unanswered… but don’t take his misunderstandings out on his children.

Finally, does he ever go to Mass with you guys? perhaps ask him to come at least once a month. To me the Mass is the most powerful prayer and conversion experience we have if he understands what is going on… tell him what is going on if he doesn’t know. Point out that we read 3 different passages from the Bible and respond with a Psalm (I bet that’s more “Bible” that his previous church), educate him as to why we stand before and during the Gospel and the power we place on the spoken words of Christ. Some of the Protestants think they have a corner on the market with a red lettered version of the KJV of the Bible but no Christian Church show more respect to Bible than we do. It’s also important to note that it was a Church council that decided upon the 27 books of the NT as well.

I believe if your husband knew the Truths of the Church rather than what he thinks he knows, things would be much better.

You guys are in my prayers!
Joe
 
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