Mixed marriage if husband converts to Catholicism

[First_Love]

I have been married less than a year. My husband and I are both Christians and attend a non-denominational church. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a small Christian school/church. I was taught the core beliefs of Christianity found in the Bible and just shown Godly examples of what it means to share the love of Jesus and live for Him. My husband grew up basically without religion, attending mass a few times with friends. He had been really searching for God just before we met and was “in love” with Jesus before we fell in love.

My husband and I have a relationship that has always been grounded in Christ. We pray together, read the Bible together, and are active members in our church. My husband has recently started studying Catholicism and has made it clear that he may one day convert. This has been nearly devastating for me, not because he is studying but because I feel it is causing division between us.

I believe denomination does not determine salvation, it’s about a heart change initiated by what Jesus did on the cross, so I will view him as a follower of Jesus no matter what. Of course, I feel MY doctrinal beliefs are correct or I wouldn’t believe them, but I won’t go as far as to say “I am a part of the one true church” and all other believers are not as he tells me Catholicism teaches. He says he does believe that I am a part of the body of Christ, The Church, but I still am feeling separated. I have also read and prayed about Catholic doctrine and I definitely do not feel God leading me in that direction.

My biggest fear right now is the future. First, I want to attend church together and my husband claims he will attend with me if he converts but I cannot participate in communion or other rituals at Mass. My second fear is having a family. I was not Catholic when we married so I never agreed, to raise children in the Catholic Church and this is not my plan. He says sure he would want to raise them in the Catholic church if he converts but would be willing to do what is best for our family. I told him he might feel differently if he becomes more firm in his doctrinal beliefs.

He really is wonderful and our relationship has been really good even through this. My anxiety about the religious difference is sometimes very high though. I told my husband before that I knew I would never marry a Catholic…not because of prejudices but because I know how difficult the division could be from seeing other couples. I never want to become apathetic because of this separation, but want us both to remain passionate about Jesus. Jesus is and always has been my first love. My husband is my second.

I feel all I can do is pray now. Any advice or is this about right?

 

[dolphinlove]

How about you studying the Catholic religion for yourself?
There is many misconceptions about the church and what it teaches, but with a bit of knowledge and study, you will find it a beautiful.
Catholicism IS the church Jesus created. Why not just read about it yourself?

 

[Tietjen]

I have been married less than a year. My husband and I are both Christians and attend a non-denominational church. I was raised in a Christian home and attended a small Christian school/church. I was taught the core beliefs of Christianity found in the Bible and just shown Godly examples of what it means to share the love of Jesus and live for Him. My husband grew up basically without religion, attending mass a few times with friends. He had been really searching for God just before we met and was “in love” with Jesus before we fell in love.

My husband and I have a relationship that has always been grounded in Christ. We pray together, read the Bible together, and are active members in our church. My husband has recently started studying Catholicism and has made it clear that he may one day convert. This has been nearly devastating for me, not because he is studying but because I feel it is causing division between us.

I believe denomination does not determine salvation, it’s about a heart change initiated by what Jesus did on the cross, so I will view him as a follower of Jesus no matter what. Of course, I feel MY doctrinal beliefs are correct or I wouldn’t believe them, but I won’t go as far as to say “I am a part of the one true church” and all other believers are not as he tells me Catholicism teaches. He says he does believe that I am a part of the body of Christ, The Church, but I still am feeling separated. I have also read and prayed about Catholic doctrine and I definitely do not feel God leading me in that direction.

My biggest fear right now is the future. First, I want to attend church together and my husband claims he will attend with me if he converts but I cannot participate in communion or other rituals at Mass. My second fear is having a family. I was not Catholic when we married so I never agreed, to raise children in the Catholic Church and this is not my plan. He says sure he would want to raise them in the Catholic church if he converts but would be willing to do what is best for our family. I told him he might feel differently if he becomes more firm in his doctrinal beliefs.

He really is wonderful and our relationship has been really good even through this. My anxiety about the religious difference is sometimes very high though. I told my husband before that I knew I would never marry a Catholic…not because of prejudices but because I know how difficult the division could be from seeing other couples. I never want to become apathetic because of this separation, but want us both to remain passionate about Jesus. Jesus is and always has been my first love. My husband is my second.

I feel all I can do is pray now. Any advice or is this about right?

Hi First Love,

First welcome to the forums! While reading your post, I could tell that this situation is really troubling you. However, many “mixed marriages” out there are doing fine. Also, if I might ask, what specific concerns do you have about the Catholic Church? Many times, people who are unfamiliar with Catholicism have misconceptions about the Churches teachings. That’s why I am asking. If you are by any chance reading information about the Church from Protestant sources, I would suggest that you look at another source of information. Many Protestants (not all) do have slanted views concerning Catholicism. Just as some Catholics have slanted views on Protestantism. If you want to know about the horse, you need to go to the stable. (Excuse the analogy). There are many good resources here on the Catholic Answer website which explain MUCH about Catholicism and what the Church teaches.
Well, I’m sorry that I don’t have anything more to contribute, but you already mentioned that you intend to pray and of course that is the best starting point. Other than my suggestion to take a closer and possibly more balanced look at Catholicism, I have no other suggestions. I will say this however, as a “cradle Catholic” I can assure you that Christ is at the center of our beliefs and we Catholics deeply love the Lord too. Peace and God bless you.

 

[LittleDeb]

Hi First Love. First off welcome to CA Forums. You have already made an excellent impression on me by coming to a Catholic forum to find out what Catholics actually believe. WOW. It might sound silly of me to say it, but so many people don’t go to an authoritative source. So kudos for that! With that said I will try to be very gentle with what I am about to say. Please accept it in the love of Christ as intended.

In belonging to a non-denominational church, you and your husband might already be in a “mixed marriage” and not even realize it. Since non-denoms tend to focus on what they call ‘essentials of the gospel’ there can be a very wide variance of beliefs even within the same worship community. The differences of the ‘non-essentials’ can seem insignificant until someone (or anyone) deems them essential. Then ‘essential’ gets decided by popular vote. Splits can, and do, happen over issues that were non-existent when you joined.

One of the attractions of Catholicism is Her deep, deep history. To a Catholic, there is really nothing we would consider “non-essential.” Everything has a place and a purpose. We never just arrive at all knowledge. Our entire lives are spent not just living the gospel (good news), but of also learning more about the the gospel every day of our lives.

Really though, none of us has a guarantee in marriage. I married a Catholic convert from a non-denominational church. My husband married a cradle Catholic. Neither of us has anything set in stone that we will both remain Catholic. The best we can do is pray together and support each other in our faith. But all of us can only fall on the grace of God in the end.

God bless you in your marriage, and again, welcome.

 

[Deconi]

I would suggest that you ‘study Catholicisim’ WITH him. Take your doctrinal beliefs or understanding WITH you. Fear not! It is your marriage you value, not your differences!

Even if you held fast to what you currently understand, you will learn with your husband something new, or from your perspective, something different.

That way, if he converts alone, you will have an understanding of what he does and why he does things Catholic. I sense that you fear change or your love for Our Lord will / may change and you believe currently that your love is complete. However, this is the internet and I can be completely off.

One thing I do know for certain. Even if you just ‘learn’ of things Catholic with your hubby, you will look back a year from now, bouncing your ‘bundle of blessing’ on your lap and wonder what all the concerns were about! I’m betting you will laugh out loud!

God Bless

 

[paarsurrey]

I was taught the core beliefs of Christianity found in the Bible and just shown Godly examples …

Hi

I am an Ahmadi a peaceful faith in Islam.

Sorry I am not presently answering your questions, rather I would request you my answers, as I want to know answer from an ordinary common person, like I am myself.

The question is : what are the core beliefs of Christianity?

Thanks

 

[lucy212]

I was in your situation about a year ago and my husband did convert to the Catholic Church. I did study with him, and made a honest, open and prayerful attempt to convert with him. It did not work out that way…the why and why not are not so important…they would differ for each person, but I can tell you some of the practical things that we have faced.

Well intentioned plans to worship together as often as possible have been very difficult.
We cannot alternate which church we go to on any Sunday because he MUST attend Mass at a Catholic church every Sunday and any other day of obligation or he will be in a state of mortal sin.
He often goes to a very early Mass (sometimes on 4 or 5 hours sleep) so we can attend together some Sundays.

Our Children are grown, and we didn’t think that the impact on them would be very great, but not being able to worship together when they come home for weekends or holidays has affected them more than we anticipated. They recently told us that knowing where we would all be, no matter what, on any given Sunday, was one of the few things in life that felt secure and gave helped them hold on to their faith during the turbulent years when most teens and young adults fall away. The changes have not only removed that anchor, but have them questioning how we could teach them to believe certain things all their lives and now tell them that,“oops, we were wrong”

(Simplistic, but when you are in your late teens and early twenties, were raised in a rich liturgical and sacramental tradition, beautiful and reverent worship and pastors and bishops who they personally knew and respected and compare it to the current state of affairs they see in the Roman Catholic church, it is difficult for them to understand.

What we saw as a gradual move away from the traditional faith, they see as nitpicking over minor points of doctrine.

And most difficult, even for us, was leaving people, brothers and sisters in Christ, who were and still are our “family”; people who surrounded us and nurtured our faith and their faith, and have been a part of their lives as long as their own parent have.

And the deep love and bond that we have shared as husband and wife has been stretched a little too close to the breaking point for my comfort.
All the good intentions, promises of mutual respect and understanding tend to go out the window when one of you belongs to a church that exclusively claims the Truth, and claims that the only way to salvation is to be in communion with her. Hearing that message continually will drive a wedge in some degree between the strongest of bonds.

I am not even touching on the dissonance that the difference in doctrine means.
We agreed in all the “essentials”, but I have found out that some Essentials are more Essential than others; all Essentials seem to mean nothing apart from the Essential of being in communion with the See of Rome,

I am sorry if this is hurtful or insulting to anyone here, but I wish someone had been more honest about what being married to a Roman Catholic convert would mean in “practical” terms.

Are we going to make it…survive this. I am sure we will, but our relationship has been altered in ways that cannot be mended.
One Body, for that is what marriage makes us, split between two churches is like being torn apart over and over and over. I think we would have approached things differently if we had any idea of how difficult things would be, and now it is too late.

Study with him, but make sure the RCIA class teachers know what they are doing. Read as much as you can on your own, preferably from original sources. Don’t let Aquinas or Augustine put your off. With patience you can work through them. You may come up with a different answer than I did and things may turn out differently for you. But go into it slowly and prayerfully. Trust God and take years, not months before eithe of you makes any decision that will change your life, the lives of your children (You didn’t say if there were any children involved) forever.

 

[paarsurrey]

I was in your situation about a year ago and my husband did convert to the Catholic Church.

Hi

Suffering, suffering, suffering of common and ordinary Christians continues unabated.

To me, the solution is Unity under One Christendum. The Catholics and Protestant should merge together to alleviate the suffering, not by compromising but uniting on truth with peaceful dialogue, the permanant solution.

Meanwhile I pray.

Thanks

 

[SD_Catholic]

Lucy and First Love

  I can't say I have a similar situation but know people who have and will pray for your situations... The best advice I could give would be to highly recommend a book that sounds very similar to what you're experiencing.  "*Rome Sweet Home*" by Scott and Kimberly Hahn.  It's a story of their conversions and their struggles with understanding and believing in Catholicism (especially Kimberly's).  I think you will find her situation similar to your's and perhaps even harder to overcome.  I'm not a big reader but once I started I couldn't quit.  I honestly think it would give you much needed comfort and hope.;)

May God Bless You in Your Journey:thumbsup:

 

[puzzleannie]

first know that you incur no obligations that are binding only on Catholics if your husband converts, but you should be informed of the obligations he voluntarily assumes by that action.

Only CAtholics may receive holy communion because for us it is far more than a sign or symbol, it is the Real sacramental Presence of Christ and our participation in His one saving action encompassed in the Easter Mystery, that is, the Last Supper, Passion, Death and Resurrection. Christ’s action in the Eucharist, confected by the priest in His words and actions and in fulfillment of His commandment, accomplishes the unity of His Mystical Body on Earth, and therefore only those fully in union with Him may partake. Sadly, and in direct disobedience to His command for unity on the night before He died, all Christians are not fully in communion, and until that happy day comes, may not receive the communion that is the real visible sign of that unity.

My best suggestion is to attend the doctrinal classes and scriptural sessions with him. For one thing, the scripture sessions, called “Breaking Open the Word” do just that, and are a point of unity for all Christians, and will be one of the major ways you can share in your prayer and spiritual life in the future. For the next, knowing as much as you can about what he believes and why will help you understand him, the changes he is going through, and therefore help you love him better by knowing him better.

 

[VWcrazy]

Let me give you a bit of advice when you do study Catholicism.

Do not go into your study with a mindset of a debate. If you see a doctrine which you don’t seem to agree with you, don’t simply dismiss it out of hand and say “I don’t believe it.” Take the time and investigate why the Church believes it. Unless you really do this, you can not honestly say you are studying the Church and what it teaches.

 

[angelusm]

If you don’t understand something about catholicism, just ask. You can easily find answers for all your questions. I recommend the catechism.

 

[water]

You may want to get the two CD’s how Scott Hahn first converted to Catholic … and later on his wife converted to. You will know how the husband handled the situation and how his wife handled it.

However, I’ve just found theire conversions stories online. I am not sure if it contains everything that the CD’s do.

Scott Hahn’s conversion: chnetwork.org/scotthconv.htm
Kimberly Hahn’s conversion: zuserver2.star.ucl.ac.uk/~vgg/rc/aplgtc/hahn/m1/kmcnv.html

 

[jmcrae]

In our case, it was me that converted, and my husband remained Protestant. He came to RCIA classes with me, and we discussed the issues. He simply made the decision not to convert, and I have no plans to try to force him into it. I even tried to remain Protestant with him, for the sake of unity in our family.

But, when I realized that the Catholic Church is not a “denomination” but rather, it is the Church that Christ founded - that it was Christ Himself who ordained the Apostle Peter to be our first Pope (John 21:15-19), and that we have an unbroken line of Popes in the Catholic Church going back all the way to Peter himself, and that all of Christ’s promises to the Church were meant for that Church and no other, that’s when I realized that I had no option but to convert to the Catholic Church, even though he didn’t want to. (And probably never will.) Just because, for him, although he knows these facts, it has just never “connected” for him in his own mind, in the same way that it did in my mind. He honestly believes that it doesn’t matter what religion you belong to, even though he knows that Jesus founded the Catholic Church.

 

[BartBurk]

My wife is Mormon and I’m a recent convert to Catholicism. We pray together every morning and every evening. If my Mormon wife can handle my conversion to Catholicism, anyone should be able to handle it. Mormonism is further away from Catholicism than Protestantism is.

 

[Prayer_Warrior]

I agree that you should pray about this, but it is not the only thing you should do, in my opinion. You should also communicate with your husband about why he feels he may convert. It would also be wise to study the teachings of the Church with him, so that you not only understand what he is learning, but you also support his faith journey.

I want to express to you that Catholics are Christians and the Catholic Church is very, very centered on Christ. If you feel otherwise, I would say you have been misinformed about what the Church teaches. The Church was founded by Christ, upon Peter, and the Church has never fallen away from the teachings of Christ. We cherish the written Word of God and nothing in Church teaching contradicts Scripture when Scripture is read in its entire context. I realize that you will likely disagree with that statement and I invite you to start new threads on any teachings you feel may contradict scripture. I would also invite you to study the history of the earliest Christians, and you may be surprised that the Christians that lived closest to the time of Christ were very Catholic in their beliefs and practices. This includes believing in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist (bread and wine), believing in confession, believing that baptism is essential, and having a hierarchy in the Church.

Oh, and by the way, here is what the Church teaches about you belonging to the True Church. I feel that either you or your husband has misunderstood your unity with the Church. I’m sure you would agree that you are not in communion with the See of Peter, but you are united to the Church. From the Catechism (teaching) of the Catholic Church:

Who belongs to the Catholic Church?

836 "All men are called to this catholic unity of the People of God. . . . And to it, in different ways, **belong **or are ordered: the Catholic faithful, others who believe in Christ, and finally all mankind, called by God’s grace to salvation."320

AND

838 "The Church knows that she is joined in many ways to the baptized who are honored by the name of Christian, but do not profess the Catholic faith in its entirety or have not preserved unity or communion under the successor of Peter."322 Those "who believe in Christ and have been properly baptized are put in a certain, although imperfect, communion with the Catholic Church."323 With the Orthodox Churches, this communion is so profound "that it lacks little to attain the fullness that would permit a common celebration of the Lord’s Eucharist."324

May God bless you and your husband!

 

[sterryfamily]

When you talk about your beliefs, understand where they came from. They came from your particular tradition - the teachings of your parents, pastors, and friends, and other influences.

But be careful. And honest. Compare those beliefs with what the early Christians were taught by the apostles. Their writings are widely available and demonstrate quite clearly what Jesus meant by “Church”.

 

[lucy212]

first know that you incur no obligations that are binding only on Catholics if your husband converts, but you should be informed of the obligations he voluntarily assumes by that action.

I understand that the Roman Catholic church requires nothing of me…and as a member of the Eastern Orthodox Church claims we lack very little of the fullness of faith, I have become a pragmatist when it comes to Roman Catholic Eastern Orthodox relations. We unknowingly walked into a 1000 year old family feud that is so bitter no one seems to care how much of the fullness of the Faith we have preserved.

Maybe I am being too much of a pragmatist, but
has the policy changed about raising children as Roman Catholic in a mixed marriage?

There are no obligations imposed on me…but being “deficient” implies that I ought to do something to correct that situation. And I think a Protestant would feel this push even more strongly.

If I had a dime for everytime I have been told that I needed to be in communion with the See of Peter, for there is no salvation outside of the Church…I would be rich enough to retire. No one seems to care what the essence of this statement says…one side is insulted and the other is triumphant and it’s been almost impossible to find a place these animosities don’t exist. I have been given some of the most vile, uninformed polemic literature by very well meaning Roman Catholics and the rhetoric is just as nasty on the other side.

Oh, and by the way, here is what the Church teaches about you belonging to the True Church. I feel that either you or your husband has misunderstood your unity with the Church. I’m sure you would agree that you are not in communion with the See of Peter, but you are united to the Church. From the Catechism (teaching) of the Catholic Church:

Quote:
Who belongs to the Catholic Church?

836 "All men are called to this catholic unity of the People of God. . . . And to it, in different ways, belong or are ordered: the Catholic faithful, others who believe in Christ, and finally all mankind, called by God’s grace to salvation."320

AND

838 "The Church knows that she is joined in many ways to the baptized who are honored by the name of Christian, but do not profess the Catholic faith in its entirety or have not preserved unity or communion under the successor of Peter."322 Those "who believe in Christ and have been properly baptized are put in a certain, although imperfect, communion with the Catholic Church."323 With the Orthodox Churches, this communion is so profound "that it lacks little to attain the fullness that would permit a common celebration of the Lord’s Eucharist."324

May God bless you and your husband!

I think taking a quick turn around the threads here in the non-catholic forum where you see “Orthodox” mentioned will reveal how this “sisterly” unity is being lived out…and we can’t help but be affected by the fallout.
First Love might also want to read through some of the Protestant threads to let her know that even if she and her husband have a good understanding of how to live out their faith in their marriage, in is hard to maintain in such a polemic environment.
Again, I am just being a pragmatist.

 

[Rolltide]

I would recommend three things:

1. If your husband ends up going to RCIA (the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults), you should attend with him. You will learn about his beliefs, and you are under absolutely no obligation to convert whatsoever.
2. Get “Catholicism for Dummies”. This is an easy to read book about the Catholic faith that is very thorough. It will, again, help you to truly understand the tenants of Catholicism. (BTW… do NOT get “The Idiot’s Guide to Catholicism”, as it is not written by Catholics and has several serious factual errors. It is also written from a very liberal bias.)
3. Get “Four Witnesses: The Early Church in Her Own Words”, by Rod Bennett. This book chronicles the lives and writings of the four earliest Christians we know of outside the Bible - Clement of Rome, Ignatius of Antioch, Justin Martyr, and Iraneus of Lyons. See what early Christians have to say about the early church in their own words. (Clement and Ignatius were trained and appointed as bishops by the Apostles themselves.)

I wish you well in your situation.

 

[jmcrae]

Maybe I am being too much of a pragmatist, but has the policy changed about raising children as Roman Catholic in a mixed marriage?

The Church requires your husband to raise your children as Catholics, and respectfully asks you not to place any undue burden on him that might prevent him from doing so, or to do or say anything to the children that might cause them to doubt their Catholic faith.