Mixed-Marriage: what to do if the non-Catholic party petitions for divorce (USA)?

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Battarang

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I’m in a long-term (6+ years) serious relationship with a Protestant and we’ve fully intend to marry for most of that time (we’re waiting until she’s finished with her undergrad per her parents wishes). However, I do not believe that she is absolutely opposed to divorce on moral grounds, even though she is currently opposed to it specifically for herself. As we move further towards our goal of marriage, I want to discuss with her what I would do if she ever put me in a situation like that.

My initial thoughts are that actively participating in the proceedings (beyond appearing in court to explain my refusal to sign and my unwillingness to participate) would constitute formal cooperation with evil. Is this correct? Are there any other responsibilities or options I should be aware of?

Further, would the event of her petitioning divorce in the first place be enough to suspect that our marriage might not have been complete and valid to begin with? Would an annulment have to be sought?

I know I can do my best to forge a relationship with her in which divorce is totally unthinkable for both of us, but sometimes circumstances can go unexpected places, beyond our control. I’m fully committed to the success of our relationship. This question is searching for a plan Z in the unlikely event that all the other 25 plans fail.
 
Gosh, what a question. I don’t have an answer for you, but in case someone does… I’d like to read it…
 
I think what you’re looking at here is the intent.

Marriages, in the Catholic Church, can be annulled because one of the parties believed that divorce was possible.

You are marrying someone whose religion allows divorce, however, she has also stated that she does not believe in divorce herself. This is an important distinction and would be in line with Catholic teaching.

I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here with court proceedings. Civil divorce, while serious, isn’t against church law. It is seen as a permissible, though less than ideal, outlet for a wronged spouse to protect themselves, their children and their property.

What really is in order is solid premarital counseling. The things you discuss are vital to establishing where your mindset is before marriage. Solid pre canna, if you can find it, is not optional. Taking a test like FOCCUS can ease your fears on the nitty-gritty of what she believes can cause fatal stress in a marriage.

I am a Catholic who believes that divorce is allowable in serious circumstances. However, I am committed to MY marriage. I cannot control other’s actions, and I will be there for them if that’s what they need. Believing something is socially permissible and believing you would take part are two different things. I believe that it is moral to skydive—but I’m never going to do it.

I think you may want to engage in some serious 1:1 Catholic counseling with a priest or other knowledgeable person in regards to church teachings and culpability. You sound like you want to force a belief on your future spouse unnecessarily. This desire is creating all sorts of ludicrous issues in your mind and WILL destroy your relationship if you let it.
 
If you have been in a serious relationship for 6 years but your fiancé hasn’t finished undergrad, I take it that you are both very young. No intelligent person would enter into a marriage with the idea of becoming divorced. Divorce is needed for couples where physical and/or emotional abuse is present or one of the partners is sleeping around. Before getting married, at least as a woman, I would make sure that I could support myself and whatever children were born during my marriage. Civil divorce is needed as a remedy, especially for safety reasons for both partners.
 
This is why a Catholic should never, ever, ever, ever marry a non-Catholic.

Especially a Catholic man.
 
Battarang said:
I want to discuss with her what I would do if she ever put me in a situation like that.
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I have no idea why you would want to discuss this.

I think the discussion needs to be about how you will handle disagreements because divorce is not on the table. I do not think it is a healthy thing to talk about what you will do in a divorce. Not at all. Talk about your commitment to the permanence of marriage and HER commitment to the permanence of marriage.

If you do not believe she has a commitment to permanence in marriage, she may not be the right person for you.

Are you significantly older than she is?
 
Battarang said:
My initial thoughts are that actively participating in the proceedings (beyond appearing in court to explain my refusal to sign and my unwillingness to participate) would constitute formal cooperation with evil. Is this correct?
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No it isn’t correct. I encourage you to talk to your priest.
Battarang said:
Further, would the event of her petitioning divorce in the first place be enough to suspect that our marriage might not have been complete and valid to begin with?
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No, not in and of itself.
Battarang said:
Would an annulment have to be sought?
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No one is ever obligated to petition for a decree of nullity.
 
I have never read a question like the OP’s before on this forum, being extremely concerned about divorce before a marriage has taken place. I think you need to explore the reasons you are so concerned about this already with a counselor.

Perhaps there are red flags in the relationship now that are bothering you? If so address those issues now and do your due diligence before the engagement and marriage take place.

Just my first thought.
 
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ajourney said:
No intelligent person would enter into a marriage with the idea of becoming divorced.
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I think you are wrong here. Many people take the plunge with that in their mind.
Google “starter marriage”
 
A Catholic should not even consider marriage to anyone who does not believe in the permanence of Christian marriage. We should not have a Plan Z, or other reservations in the back of our mind. This needs to be discerned before marriage. Just because you have been in a long relationship with someone since childhood does not mean that you and she are meant to marry.

As others have noted, the Church does not always oppose civil divorce in extreme situations. Civil divorce, however, does not end a sacramental marriage.
 
First of all, participating as a litigant in a divorce is not prohibited by the Church. That’s simply defending property rights, etc; secular issues. The state does not determine for the Church what is moral and what isn’t. One should never equate the two.

I am not a canon lawyer by any means, but it is my understanding that her NOT intending the marriage to necessarily be permanent could be a ground for an annulment later. But only a canon lawyer could competently answer that question.

Finally, if, after all this time, you still think you can “forge a relationship with her in which divorce is totally unthinkable”, then obviously it hasn’t happened yet. I would say entering into this marriage and maintaining this relationship is not a good idea.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
A Catholic should not even consider marriage to anyone who does not believe in the permanence of Christian marriage. We should not have a Plan Z, or other reservations in the back of our mind. This needs to be discerned before marriage. Just because you have been in a long relationship with someone since childhood does not mean that you and she are meant to marry.

As others have noted, the Church does not always oppose civil divorce in extreme situations. Civil divorce, however, does not end a sacramental marriage.
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I think this is a key. I can comprehend perfectly that the Catholic Church allows civil divorce in extreme cases without it affecting the validity of my marriage.

It appears the OP is asking if the belief that divorce is allowable alone would be reason to annul a marriage. I would answer that that is a nuanced question with many ramifications. A Catholic is permitted to believe that divorce is allowable but they are expected to believe that it is not permissible for themselves when entering into marriage because they have done the legwork to ensure that all the things that often predicate unlawful divorce–money, ideals, children, jobs-- are discussed.

To this day, my lackluster precana makes me fearful for my peers. There is no way they were able to examine all that is needed to truly enter into a marital relationship. If one scores well on the FOCCUS test, the pastor is literally given no resources to guide the couple.
 
ChunkMonk said:
This is why a Catholic should never, ever, ever, ever marry a non-Catholic.

Especially a Catholic man.
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It’s comments like this that really make me wonder how my marriage has lasted 14 years.

I’m really starting to wonder if this is a belief shared by many or just a few.
 
TC3033 said:
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ChunkMonk:
This is why a Catholic should never, ever, ever, ever marry a non-Catholic.

Especially a Catholic man.
Click to expand...
It’s comments like this that really make me wonder how my marriage has lasted 14 years.

I’m really starting to wonder if this is a belief shared by many or just a few.
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You will find that, despite church teaching, many traditionalists on CA hold the view that marriage between a Christian and a Catholic should not occur. (Many despise VII wholly) Granted, the church allows it with serious warnings of ensuring both parties know what is required of them, but it’s allowed.
 
Your direct responses to quoted questions was one reason I said mostly; they are what I would call technical. You gave definitive answers instead of addressing the personal framework I gave to justify this line of questioning.
 
TC3033 said:
It’s comments like this that really make me wonder how my marriage has lasted 14 years.

I’m really starting to wonder if this is a belief shared by many or just a few.
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Going on 25 years here, although in our case, the man is the Protestant. We recognize that civil divorce is out there for people who need it. We don’t need it ourselves. Or want it.

Doesn’t have anything to do with religious belief, has everything to do with us wanting to be together.
 
I’m another one (Catholic who married a non-catholic) Now this is weird… My grandfather (Catholic-married a non-Catholic and she converted back when it was the norm that the wife take the husband’s religion…). But then, my mother (Catholic-married my father-non-Catholic and he converted after 10 years of marriage (and a LOT of prayers, I bet!) My non-Catholic is still that…but in the beginning when we talked marriage I told him there was no such thing as divorce… if he married me, he was stuck with me for life… It has not been always easy (what marriage is?) If he had ever decided to leave I would not have re-married… I knew what I was getting into and so did he. We have been blessed to make a very good team though he has not converted yet, I’m still hoping and praying… I know this isn’t a prayer thread but in the privacy of your hearts if you think of it, say a prayer for DH!!! 🙂
 
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