mixed marriage

[Evanna]

Good day all,
I hope I am posting to the correct forum, in any case, replies and ifomration would be greatly appreciated… First some background… I am a 40-something lady who was raised in the Catholic church and am still practising my faith, albeit fell away for a few years before returning through God’s mercy and His blessings (I have a 3 month old daughter - 4 years after my tubal litigation) and am engaged to marry a gentleman who is not a beleiver in the Catholic faith…He is born again Christian and has read his bible several (3) times over, whereas I am 2/3 through it for the first time…I am deeply troubled by his continual judgement and denial of all my faith and Church has taught me about living in Christ…unless it is in the bible, he doesn’t believe it, nor will he even consider debate on the subject because nothing I say is correct (Ash Wednesday is approaching - he refuses to hear why I will attend church and have the mark of God on my forehead because it isn’t in the bible)…His belief is that the only way to God and religion is by reading and following strictly what the bible says…therefore, talking in tongues is acceptable, but having a physical reminder of Jesus’ suffering in our church is a sin(the crucifix)…He is a great guy on so many levels, but I’m depressed and anxious that our differences will create chasms in raising our daughter…She has yet to be baptised(hopefully in March) and in order to appease and ensure this blessing rests on my daughter, I am wondering if I can request his pastor and my priest BOTH be present and BOTH preside over the event…If anyone can help me with these dilemmas, I would appreciate receiving your help and prayers…right now I am stuck thinking that I have to forfeit the whole relationship because of the strength of his arguments over what is right by the bible and “everything else”…and this just breaks my heart - I love him deeply and sincerely…Has anyone else co-existed in this type of relationship? He has never prevented me from attending my faithful obligations and has stated he never would…but I am distraught thinking that our faith life will suffer and we will not grow together the way I feel we should…thanks for listening and thanks for any help you can offer…:bighanky:

 

[Thomas63116]

Good day all,
I hope I am posting to the correct forum, in any case, replies and ifomration would be greatly appreciated… First some background… I am a 40-something lady who was raised in the Catholic church and am still practising my faith, albeit fell away for a few years before returning through God’s mercy and His blessings (I have a 3 month old daughter - 4 years after my tubal litigation) and am engaged to marry a gentleman who is not a beleiver in the Catholic faith…He is born again Christian and has read his bible several (3) times over, whereas I am 2/3 through it for the first time…I am deeply troubled by his continual judgement and denial of all my faith and Church has taught me about living in Christ…unless it is in the bible, he doesn’t believe it, nor will he even consider debate on the subject because nothing I say is correct (Ash Wednesday is approaching - he refuses to hear why I will attend church and have the mark of God on my forehead because it isn’t in the bible)…His belief is that the only way to God and religion is by reading and following strictly what the bible says…therefore, talking in tongues is acceptable, but having a physical reminder of Jesus’ suffering in our church is a sin(the crucifix)…He is a great guy on so many levels, but I’m depressed and anxious that our differences will create chasms in raising our daughter…She has yet to be baptised(hopefully in March) and in order to appease and ensure this blessing rests on my daughter, I am wondering if I can request his pastor and my priest BOTH be present and BOTH preside over the event…If anyone can help me with these dilemmas, I would appreciate receiving your help and prayers…right now I am stuck thinking that I have to forfeit the whole relationship because of the strength of his arguments over what is right by the bible and “everything else”…and this just breaks my heart - I love him deeply and sincerely…Has anyone else co-existed in this type of relationship? He has never prevented me from attending my faithful obligations and has stated he never would…but I am distraught thinking that our faith life will suffer and we will not grow together the way I feel we should…thanks for listening and thanks for any help you can offer…:bighanky:

Hi! Welcome to the forums. There is a lot to sort through here . . .but let me do my best.

You probably need to schedule a meeting with the pastor of your parish to talk about the possible marriage and about getting your daughter baptized. There is some flexibility on how an inter-faith wedding ceremony could be performed. I’m not sure if there is the same flexibility in terms of the Baptism. But you can talk to the priest about this.

To be honest, it sounds like you two have some very serious and fundamental issues you need to sort out. Any inter-faith marriage has challenges (I am engaged to a Lutheran woman, so I know a bit about what it entails) but personally I think the challenges become much more serious when the non-Catholic person is openly hostile to the Catholic Church, considers it a false religion, etc. It sounds like you might be bordering on that situation here.

Honestly, the fact that the two of you have a young child together is another red flag. Are you really pursuing marriage freely or are you doing it simply because you have a child together? This is something you really need to consider and talk over with your priest as well.

It’s good that he doesn’t object to you continuing to practice your faith. And it seems he is at least open to the idea of your daughter being raised in the Catholic faith (not objecting to the baptism). The best arguments to refute his positions really involve the fact that the Bible itself is a product of the Church and it’s Tradition, rather than a sole source of them. Hopefully some others can recommend books that might help in opening his mind and heart to the Catholic faith.

Prayers for you, your fiance and your daughter!

 

[1ke]

Two things:

Yes, you should be concerned about the religious differences between you and the father of your daughter. Proceeding with marriage is something you should do very cautiously and with much counsel from your priest.

Regarding the baptism, a non-Catholic pastor cannot preside in the baptism of the child or in any way “co-officiate.” The pastor can be a Christian witness to the baptism, but only the Catholic priest would preside at the baptism. Talk to your priest.

 

[lizaanne]

I am deeply troubled by his continual judgement and denial of all my faith and Church has taught me about living in Christ.

I realize you may love this man, but why in the world would you ever consider spending the rest of your life with some who leaves you “deeply troubled” about the most important thing in our entire lives? More important than anything else, and yes even your daughter, is the state of your eternal soul. He leaves you “deeply troubled” and you think he is the right man for you?

I’m not trying to belittle you or be nasty - I’m pointing out the fact that you are looking for ways to “agree to disagree”, and trust me, that doesn’t always work very well, and can cause life long distress to a marriage. Some folks can make this work - but I suspect they did not start out with such concerns.

I suggest you find a very solid priest and do some very serious marriage prep before going any further. Just because he is the father of your child does not mean you automatically should be marrying him. Think long and hard about this.

I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

~Liza

 

[seekdatruth]

Evanna,
I am going to assume in my reply that you are indeed very much in love with this man. Also, that maybe *you *have more issues with the mixed faith differences than he does, (only because that is what usually happens, but again, I’m only assuming)
I too am in a mixed-faith relationship. I also have a sister who is Baptist. I have learned to politely decline debates over religion with my sister, since I can’t divorce her. I try to do the same with my husband to keep the peace. Since I and my children love him dearly, we would be much worse off a broken family, in my opinion! It disturbs me when Catholics react as if it would be better to divorce or not marry a man who is not Catholic when there are children involved and the only reason is differences over theology! This is not realistic, it’s horrible for the children, and NOT what Christ expects of us, IMO. If you absolutely cannot learn to live with each other over the religious differences, and it causes open and damaging strife in your home, separation may be the best decision for you. Otherwise, I consider it a good test of patience. I study the Catholic faith, read my Scripture, pray for wisdom, and when he has a question, I answer! I am JOYFUL in my faith! You see, most people become more entrenched in their beliefs the more you try and convince they are wrong. (Thanks for teaching me that, CAF.) If you are happy and content with your religion, they get curious and want whatever it is you got. “Smile, everyone will wonder what you’re up to.” Sadly, he may never convert though, and you must be emotionally prepared to accept that fact too. Either way, you will have lived your life as a good example and learned patience!
God bless you! I will say a prayer for you!

…
Psalm 118:6

 

[kage_ar]

In all those times he read the Bible, he did not read about repenting in sackcloth and ashes?

Sounds like he needs to find a nice Baptist woman.

You do not need to have to be persecuted for the Faith in your own home.

 

[seekdatruth]

Oh, I also wanted to say that the baptism thing is different for born again Christians. They get baptized when they are old enough to make that decision on their own. This is not to say I do not believe in Catholic baptism! We are making a vow that our children will be raised in a Christian home, and in this way we are allowing for their salvation from sins. This is important to us! Baptists have a different spin on it. Their baptism is more like our Confirmation. So if a Protestant minister is not present at your child’s Catholic baptism, that’s not important! Like I said, it’s just not that way for them, so it would not hurt your fiance’s sensibilities to do so without his pastor present. He and his pastor are welcome at the ceremony, but there is NO WAY a priest would allow the other pastor to participate!
God bless!

 

[seekdatruth]

In all those times he read the Bible, he did not read about repenting in sackcloth and ashes?

Sounds like he needs to find a nice Baptist woman.

You do not need to have to be persecuted for the Faith in your own home.

Sorry, but your post is contradicting your signature.

“The foundation is our neighbor, whom we must win, and that is the place to begin. For all the commandments of Christ depend on this one.” - St. John the Dwarf

 

[kage_ar]

Sorry, but your post is contradicting your signature.

Huh? Loving our neighbor does not mean we marry them.

The CCC cautions about mixed marriage, starts here scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1633 and this passage sums it up:

"But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise. "

 

[Anne1964]

I am Catholic and my husband is Jewish. When I met him I had been away from the Church for many years. I returned three years after we were married. My husband hates all organized religions and has not practiced his religion for over 20 years.

He and I both agree that if I had been practicing my faith when we met that we would never have gotten married. Our differences in religion have caused huge problems in our marriage because he has been openly hostile to my beliefs. He says he is trying to accept that I have changed, and I believe that.

Our marriage went from very good to very bad during the first year I was back in the Church. My husband resents that I asked to have our marriage convalidated and has said he wishes he had never agreed to that. Both of us have said things we regret.

We love each other and are trying to make our marriage work. We aren’t ready to give up on it, although there have been days where we have both been tempted.

As to what the reality is like of being married to a man who doesn’t share your faith, I can provide a few examples.

I go to Mass alone, I have very little involvement in parish life because my husband is jealous of the time I spend there. I often come home from church and want to talk to my husband about something said in the homily, or about what my friends are doing, but I often don’t say anything at all because my husband gets that “look” on his face (the “oh no, she’s talking about religion again” look), and it’s just not worth it. The first time I went on a weekend retreat, I had not been back in the house for 5 minutes before he asked me how my weekend with the “religious nuts” was. As for interfering in the practice of my faith, he did initially, but he has stopped that for the most part. He absolutely does not want me to go to Mass when we are on vacation, and I am usually unable to go.

Discussing religion with him is exhausting and we just go around and around in circles with the same arguments. He has said some very insulting things about my religion and I rarely bring up the subject anymore.

The main thing that has helped us has been marriage counseling. After two and a half years of asking him, he finally agreed to go with me. We are getting along better now, and have begun to enjoy each other’s company again.

Back to your situation, have you spoken to a priest about your wedding plans yet? You do realize you have to be married by a priest? You are also required to promise to do your best to raise any children as Catholics. Your fiance doesn’t have to make the same promise, but he will be made aware of your promise. How are you going to feel if your husband tells your daughter his views on Catholicism? What do you plan to tell your daughter? How confused is she going to be if she hears your beliefs and your husband’s beliefs. What will she end up believing?

You said your fiance dislikes the crucifix. Do you plan to have one in your home? Is that important to you? Will he agree to that? Will he object to other religious items? My husband did object, so I have put those things away out of his sight.

From what you said in your post, it sounds like religion will continue to be a source of disagreement throughout your marriage. Think very carefully about that.

 

[seekdatruth]

Huh? Loving our neighbor does not mean we marry them.

"

Sorry, I wasn’t familiar with that quote. The wording gave me the impression it was something other than simply recanting the Golden Rule.

 

[rwoehmke]

Evanna, if you like being criticized and belittled because of your Faith, go ahead and marry the guy. It will not get better with time and may very well get worse once you are “his.”

 

[Evanna]

Evanna, if you like being criticized and belittled because of your Faith, go ahead and marry the guy. It will not get better with time and may very well get worse once you are “his.”

please accept my rejection of your rudeness kindly…am I to beleive that the power of God bringing me a child with this man after I took ‘permanent’ steps of avoiding the circumstance (albeit against the church decree) to mean that He has no direction for me??? I take offense to your remark and find it based in littleness…your comments do not supply any imformation, support or direction in relation to the question I asked…your comments further fuel the fire of the differences and do nothing to bring about the unity, not only of God and man, but of human-kind itself. So, without prejudice, I’m striking your comments from the thoughts of solutions…and who knows, maybe through God’s grace we (he & I) will one day celebrate our union as well as his union with God…and that is my prayerful outcome of this question and thread…although by my gifts, I will pray for you to gain your strength to make the changes you need to make to be safe…God bless you as many times over as your bruises…

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Wow, this is something that sounds so familiar. Only reversed.

When my husband and I started dating, I was about as anti-catholic as they come. I started dating him because I liked him, but was also dead set on making him join my church. I made him read and watch anti-catholic literature. So what happened? We knew marriage was out of the question because he was dead set on raising his kids Catholic. Thank God I was a believer and listener to God, because he was not telling me to dump him. We agreed to stay together and see what happened (I guess God was speaking to him too.)

I figured I might as well read up on the church so I could quickly convert him. Well, a few dozen books, church history classes, and hours of prayer, I found myself receiving the true eucharist on Easter Vigil.

I share this not to tell you that you should convert him. I only share this to say that you need to listen to God. Had one of us not heeded his leadings to stay together, I would still be lost. And probably would have lost my faith altogether, because the protestant faith I had was failing me because of the false teachings they put forth. However, I also say this to show how truly meaningful my catholic faith is, and just how precious is is (As I am sure you can agree!) and it’s not worth losing for a shot at love. Pray, and LISTEN for guidance. If you are seeking, God will make it clear what you need to do. A lot of people are brought to the church through these situations. But not everyone in this situation is, and many also leave the truth for “love.”

The thing you really need is discenrment. I wish the best for you in this!

 

[seekdatruth]

Wow, this is something that sounds so familiar. Only reversed.

When my husband and I started dating, I was about as anti-catholic as they come. I started dating him because I liked him, but was also dead set on making him join my church. I made him read and watch anti-catholic literature. So what happened? We knew marriage was out of the question because he was dead set on raising his kids Catholic. Thank God I was a believer and listener to God, because he was not telling me to dump him. We agreed to stay together and see what happened (I guess God was speaking to him too.)

I figured I might as well read up on the church so I could quickly convert him. Well, a few dozen books, church history classes, and hours of prayer, I found myself receiving the true eucharist on Easter Vigil.

I share this not to tell you that you should convert him. I only share this to say that you need to listen to God. Had one of us not heeded his leadings to stay together, I would still be lost. And probably would have lost my faith altogether, because the protestant faith I had was failing me because of the false teachings they put forth. However, I also say this to show how truly meaningful my catholic faith is, and just how precious is is (As I am sure you can agree!) and it’s not worth losing for a shot at love. Pray, and LISTEN for guidance. If you are seeking, God will make it clear what you need to do. A lot of people are brought to the church through these situations. But not everyone in this situation is, and many also leave the truth for “love.”

The thing you really need is discenrment. I wish the best for you in this!

What a touching story! You must have a very strong faith! Congratulations for having the wisdom to discern God’s will and the bravery to follow through! Even though the one you love was already there, it’s still no easy task I imagine!
God bless!

 

[royal_archer]

Good day all,
I hope I am posting to the correct forum, in any case, replies and ifomration would be greatly appreciated… First some background… I am a 40-something lady who was raised in the Catholic church and am still practising my faith, albeit fell away for a few years before returning through God’s mercy and His blessings (I have a 3 month old daughter - 4 years after my tubal litigation) and am engaged to marry a gentleman who is not a beleiver in the Catholic faith…He is born again Christian and has read his bible several (3) times over, whereas I am 2/3 through it for the first time…I am deeply troubled by his continual judgement and denial of all my faith and Church has taught me about living in Christ…unless it is in the bible, he doesn’t believe it, nor will he even consider debate on the subject because nothing I say is correct (Ash Wednesday is approaching - he refuses to hear why I will attend church and have the mark of God on my forehead because it isn’t in the bible)…His belief is that the only way to God and religion is by reading and following strictly what the bible says…therefore, talking in tongues is acceptable, but having a physical reminder of Jesus’ suffering in our church is a sin(the crucifix)…He is a great guy on so many levels, but I’m depressed and anxious that our differences will create chasms in raising our daughter…She has yet to be baptised(hopefully in March) and in order to appease and ensure this blessing rests on my daughter, I am wondering if I can request his pastor and my priest BOTH be present and BOTH preside over the event…If anyone can help me with these dilemmas, I would appreciate receiving your help and prayers…right now I am stuck thinking that I have to forfeit the whole relationship because of the strength of his arguments over what is right by the bible and “everything else”…and this just breaks my heart - I love him deeply and sincerely…Has anyone else co-existed in this type of relationship? He has never prevented me from attending my faithful obligations and has stated he never would…but I am distraught thinking that our faith life will suffer and we will not grow together the way I feel we should…thanks for listening and thanks for any help you can offer…:bighanky:

It is confusing when some proclaim that Catholics do not know what we are talking about and then they say they only follow what is in the bible even though the Bible (new testament) was writtten by Catholics. I have also had bad experiences with some of these other Bible only religions in that they tend to base their interpretations of the Bible by taking things out of context. Some of those in these various religions preach hatred of Catholics.

Would you like your, and your child’s, relationship with God strained by someone who wants to pull you away from God’s church? From the tone of your post it sounds like he has been putting barriers between you and our faith. Take it from an old married guy, these tensions will likely grow over time.

 

[Realcatholicgk]

… First some background… I am a 40-something lady who was raised in the Catholic church and am still practising my faith, albeit fell away for a few years before returning through God’s mercy and His blessings (I have a 3 month old daughter - 4 years after my tubal litigation) and am engaged to marry a gentleman who is not a beleiver in the Catholic faith…and this just breaks my heart - I love him deeply and sincerely…
**
Hi Evanna,

My heart aches reading your Posting. You want a priest and a minister to baptise your child? I actually don’t think any priest would, with the information you provided.

You haven’t talked to anyone obviousely.They don’t just “baptise” the child! There are classes to be taken etc. But that is not the problem. There is so much to be said so many inadequate words available with which to say them properly to you without sounding mean or unsymphonic.

Dear , you need help on more levels than you even realize.Your post leaves me without many words to actually help you. I see others have, but apparetly they miss the larger picture.

My only advise that I can ofer to you is go see your Parish priest. Not about the baptism, but about your life style, and relationship. It just isn’t Catholic in any way, shape nor form! You are apparently “involved” in a long time physical relationship, outside marriage, you have just had a child outside of wedlock. You are living with a non-catholic man who judges you but not his own actions? You said “His belief is that the only way to God and religion is by reading and following strictly what the bible says.” He is a hyprocritic! Plain and simple. Both his and your life styles are against the teachings in the bible and any church’s!

Just your short posting indicates that you are in such need of spiritual, emotional and other counseling which isn’t available on a Thread. You need a Priest to explain the Catholic church to you. I feel you should attend RCIA. You must learn what sin is. You have to learn your faith. You need to go to confession. You are in so much need , my heart aches and pours out symphony for you.

Where to start? That is the problem. Someone must provide you with the basic instruction you need to live a good Catholic life. Please understand that I am saying this with love and real concern for you. I am a bigger sinner than you could ever be, I am sure. There is no judgment involved, just Catholic observations on what you yourself stated. I will have my prayer group of 9,000 members start praying for you and your fiance today. It will help! Prayer is the answer to all questions and problems!

I have been married 40 years My wife was a Buddist for 12 of those years. Her and I marriage counseled for over 30 years! the success rate for marriages is 25% now. And that is the good ones. Based on Love and mutural respect and beliefs! For mix marriages less that 15% survive.

I have read the entire Bible hundred of times. That is not bragging dear, it only proves that I can read! Did you know that you can actually read the entire Bible aloud in around 70 hours? I did it one time to see how long it would take!

You must also realize that Catholic’s are the only true “Christians”. Other are only counterfeit and imitations of our religion. Even with that, often Catholics don’t seem to know how to deal with the question, “Where is that in the Bible?”
I do but that won’t help you!

Of the 61,000 counterfeit groups over 28,000 are some form of
Baptist, Evangelical, Fundamentalist, or some other warped “Bible–only” counterfeit group holding the mistaken notion that they have the ability to interpret the bible. It just isn’t possible for them to do that! They may have more Scripture passages memorized than you, but memorizing more Scripture is not the same thing as “knowing” the Bible better.

As Catholics, we have the Mass and priest to instruct us and the Magisterium of the Church as our guide when we open up the Bible. The Magisterium, which is the Pope and all the bishops in union with the Pope,who has the apostolic authority with which to give God’s people an authentic interpretation of Scripture. The Magisterium has, in essence, laid down the parameters within which we are free to interpret Scripture. We hear the Truth at every Mass.

Non–Catholic have no such authentic guide for interpreting Scripture. They have their own personal, fallible, interpretations to rely on. They have no boundaries, other than their own imagination, within which to properly interpret Scripture. And let me tell you, there is some outright craziness going on out there when it comes to folks interpreting the Bible. In the 500 years since they started onterpreting they bible themselves they have dividend and multiplied into over 61,000 Protestant groups, teaching 1,375 corrupted doctrines and dogmas. It is like a cancer on the body of Christ!

Remember, the Bible is a Catholic book! The Catholic Church gave it to the world. It’s our bible! Therefore Evananna, you can rest assured that there is nothing in the Bible that contradicts anything taught in the Catholic Faith and there is nothing in the Catholic Faith that contradicts anything taught in the Bible. You fiances false beliefs are not backed up in the Bible. You should say “I do not agree with your fallible** interpretation of that passage. You are not a Catholic you haven’t a clue!”

Ask your fiance exactly where in the bible does it say that that it must be in the bible? (it doesn’t)

You are looking for help that is good, look to the church not the internet! You are in my prayers!

 

[Realcatholicgk]

Wow, this is something that sounds so familiar. Only reversed.

When my husband and I started dating, I was about as anti-catholic as they come. I started dating him because I liked him, but was also dead set on making him join my church. I made him read and watch anti-catholic literature. So what happened? We knew marriage was out of the question because he was dead set on raising his kids Catholic. Thank God I was a believer and listener to God, because he was not telling me to dump him. We agreed to stay together and see what happened (I guess God was speaking to him too.)

I figured I might as well read up on the church so I could quickly convert him. Well, a few dozen books, church history classes, and hours of prayer, I found myself receiving the true eucharist on Easter Vigil.

I share this not to tell you that you should convert him. I only share this to say that you need to listen to God. Had one of us not heeded his leadings to stay together, I would still be lost. And probably would have lost my faith altogether, because the protestant faith I had was failing me because of the false teachings they put forth. However, I also say this to show how truly meaningful my catholic faith is, and just how precious is is (As I am sure you can agree!) and it’s not worth losing for a shot at love. Pray, and LISTEN for guidance. If you are seeking, God will make it clear what you need to do. A lot of people are brought to the church through these situations. But not everyone in this situation is, and many also leave the truth for “love.”

The thing you really need is discenrment. I wish the best for you in this!

**
Hi Whitacre,

You are blessed indeed. We both know that the church can “pull” him into it! We gain a lot of Catholics through marriage!

God Bless **

 

[LeroyCRHP]

Evanna; So in the end it will be your decision, and you will live with all of the consequences. This could be he converts, everything stays the same or he get even more outspoken and abusive in his position of your religion. We just don’t know. I converted 6 years after marrying my Catholic wife. Even when both are Catholic you never know when one will fall or one will really be on fire so to speak. I guess tolerance and consideration for the other person is key and I’m not sure I see that with your husband to be. I think if he cannot attend your church with you there is something fundamentally wrong and you should discuss with a priest. I assume you will go through the Catholic Church’s marriage preparation class? Even the simple questionaire will bring up topics that must be discussed before marriage or it is really painful after marriage.

Good luck!

 

[Crimson_Seraph]

I have often thought to myself what would I do were I to marry a nice Catholic girl. I have come to the conclusion that if she wanted to Baptise the child I’de let her, I mean I don’t think it really does anything beyond getting the child’s head wet, but it does no harm in my eyes. I do believe in Dedicating children to the Lord though.

As long as your future husband respects your religious beliefs and you respect his, I don’t see why you couldn’t have a good marriage.