Mixed marriage

[Holland]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

 

[WilliamE]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

In what way is Holy Week “very hard on him?” Just because you’re gone during the evening one week each year? He sounds a little fragile. What other church activities are you not involved in because you don’t want to upset your husband?

I am the non-Catholic in my marriage. I attend Mass with my wife every Sunday and I try to be as supportive as I can where her Catholicism is concerned. On those very rare occasions when I can’t be supportive, I try to stay out of her way. My wife has given no indiction that I am inhibiting her in the practice of her religion. At the same time, she doesn’t interfere with my non-practice of religion. It works for us.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Holy Week is one week a year. I think the big thiing would be making it clear to him what aspects of your faith are important/non-negotiable to you. It sounds like some of his frustrations may surround lack of understanding. (i.e. “You don’t HAVE to go do you?”)

 

[Tablefor9]

How is being involved in the parish any different (in his mind) from Junior League or any other charitable organization you might be part of? Is it because he has religious differences/objections or does he just not like you leaving the house?

We are still in a mixed marriage and DH doesn’t attend Mass with me, either. But I do go to Sunday Mass & daily Mass 1-2 X week, plus take the older kids to youth group. Things can still be a little tense now and again, because my DH sees that the kids are converting one after the other and it’s like a rejection of what he grew up with. I don’t know if this the same kind of thing you might be dealing with, but what helps some is to keep the family as centered as possible with devotions and prayer together, emphasizing the commonality.

Also I have ever so slowly built a Catholic home. Holy water blessings for the kids at night and when leaving the house, St Joseph statue in the flower garden, Holy Family on the mantle. Family rosary at least weekly (he doesn’t participate). Liturgical living/feast days.

After years of turmoil, he will often now defend the Catholic position when his own family says something ignorant or biased about the faith.

The key is not to lose hope. I have a friend who has been married to a Protestant 45 yrs. He’s in RCIA this year. Keep praying–St Monica, St Rita, St Ita, St Victoria, St Teresa, pray for us.

Pm me if you want…blessings and prayers.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

What were the discussions about this prior to marriage like?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I’m in a mixed marriage although my husband is also a committed Christian so doesn’t have this problem, we both support each others faith journey. I think married couples should be able to accept that their spouse can have outside interests whether at a parish or sport or any other hobby. It’s not healthy for a married couple to only want to spend time together.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

It’s great that you want to get involved more, but even if you were Catholic, I would advise more against it.

Your first duty is to God, but you also have a duty to your husband. Doing all of this extra stuff that isn’t necessary is not worth negatively impacting your marriage.

I think if your husband doesn’t argue with you over Mass, that is blessing more than anything, and I’d hate to see just extracurricular mess that up. Like I said, that would be advice even if he were Catholic.

Perhaps there is a compromise if it is just for Holy Week.

But a nun once said “the devil will not tempt good Catholics to have affairs or hire prostitutes. But rather, the temptation will be to be involved so much in the Church we are away from our families and not raising our kids”.

 

[Constantin]

@Holland: Be grateful for what you have! You write that your husband is very supportive of your going to mass. Well, that is great! There are those among us which have to fight over this already. Do not take anything for granted. Do not pressure him.
Always keep in mind that it is not your doing if he’s to come around eventually. You can only do so much and try to live up to your convictions and pray. The rest is in HIS hands.

 

[Holland]

I’ve been married a very long time, 47 years. I was raised Catholic but did not marry in the church until about 12 years ago when I decided to go back. I am thankful for what I have. I guess I just feel a little guilty about not doing more for my parish. I guess I will just pray more. Praying is always good. Any other suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

It’s difficult to offer advice without knowing specifically why he objects.

The Husband isn’t Catholic either, but I’m head sacristan in my parish. This requires my presence at least six days per week, sometimes for hours on end, and each week my heaviest service days occur when he’s off work. I have a tendency to disappear by mid-afternoon on Christmas Eve not to resurface again for 24 hours except to come home and sleep. Holy Week is a write-off. Still, he has no problem with what I do.

But I’m married to my husband, not the OP’s. Just because we’re cool with this doesn’t mean all mixed marriage couples will be nor should they be necessarily. And I don’t pretend that it’s effortless to have an arrangement that works for everyone involved, but without one it can’t last. Boundaries must be respected or it’s not sustainable.

OP, if you’re attending Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation without your non-Catholic spouse objecting, in my opinion you’re already blessed. It’s true that Holy Week is only one week, but we are not obligated to attend any of it, not even Mass on Holy Thursday or the Passion liturgy on Good Friday. If doing so would greatly upset a non-Catholic spouse, I’m not comfortable recommending the Catholic maintain a firm stance on it. It could drive the non-Catholic spouse further away from the Church as well as create an unpleasant atmosphere in the home.

Inability to engage in non-obligatory church activities does not make one half a Catholic. If I had to resign from my position, I would be just as Catholic tomorrow as I am today. Do what you can, not what you can’t.

Praying for you and your family. God bless!

 

[kptrs]

What were the discussions about this prior to marriage like?

That’s the first question I would ask. Have you always been a practicing Catholic - that is, did you go to church on a regular basis when you were first married or is this a change he’s not comfortable with?

In any case, him being devastated about you being away in the evening for one week a year in order to do an activity that is important to you doesn’t sound very healthy on his part. I feel like that is indicative of a deeper problem that goes beyond the religious aspect.

I also do agree with UpUpAndAway that you are no less Catholic if you do not participate in non-obligatory church activities. As long as you make it to Mass every weekend and Holy Day, go to Confession, observe the days of fasting and abstinence, etc. you’re doing fine.

 

[Constantin]

Struggling with a similar issue a lot, I fear there is just not a solution in every case. Schisms are centuries old, it is ridiculous to assume you can overcome them just like that.
To be honest, I have mostly given up.
You just worry and it will achieve you nothing at all.
Pope Francis can emphasize the importance of ecumenism all day, be friends with the Protestants and Bartholomew and whatnot. It will not achieve anything for the mixed marriages. At the base, there is still much mistrust and even hate.

 

[Holland]

Thanks everyone. I am seeing that the problem may not just be my husbands. I can’t imagine how shocked he must have been when I decided to go back to my Catholic faith 12 years ago. We went through the entire process together so we could be married in the Catholic Church and he never complained. This was after being married 35 years. We just moved across the country so I am in a new parish. The difference in parishes is stunning. The new parish is as busy a church as I have ever seen. These folks run around like they are on fire all the time. If you do not participate in the activities you end up feeling a little left out. This is mostly my problem, not my husbands.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

This is mostly my problem, not my husbands.

I wouldn’t look at it this way. Rather, it’s a problem for both of you, each with different reasons.

Perhaps a solution can be found. If so, it will likely require a certain amount of compromise from everyone involved.

Continued prayers for you both!

 

[EasterJoy]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

My husband is not Catholic, either.

I suggest you ask your husband!

“Dear, I would love to be more involved with our* parish but not at the cost of upsetting you or even giving you a neglected feeling. What do you have to say?”

(*If he says “why do you say ‘our’ parish, you can say, 'Well, we donate our money to help support it and I spend some of our time with my religious duties there, so I ought to have the respect to consider it your parish, too. I fully expect the Good Lord is going to give you credit for that, after all!”

Maybe it is

OK with him if you can be flexible about your activities (think: washing and ironing the altar linens) or

OK if it is not cutting into time he wants to do things with you (maybe it is evenings he wants you home, and cleaning church or helping out at funeral luncheons or taking Holy Communion to the sick during the day is fine with him) or

OK if he can participate with you (Think helping out when the parish sends a work party to the soup kitchen or the food bank)

OK if he comes along and you introduce him to the people you’re volunteering with.

He may want you to do volunteering that isn’t specifically connected with your parish but is a corporal or spiritual work of mercy. I bet your pastor would be fine with that.

Even if your husband is fine with everything, he’ll appreciate knowing that you care how he feels about how you spend time and money that belongs to both of you, knowing that you consider the contributions to be “ours” and not “mine.”

 

[PaulGH]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

I’m not in a mixed marriage, but I do have experience with marriage, which always involves some level of mutual give and take, and mutual sacrifice. My advice would be this:

First, don’t feel bad if you can’t be more involved in your parish, because you honor Christ when you honor your marriage vows. So if you feel that putting in more time at church would cause a strain on your marriage, then hold back a bit, knowing that you serve Christ simply by working at having a good marriage.

But at the same time, don’t give up completely on getting involved in your parish. Maybe you can take small steps toward getting involved in your parish, without doing too much too quickly. And while you do this, spend some extra time with your husband so that he doesn’t feel that he is losing you to your parish.

Another thing to consider is that maybe you can help during Mass – maybe with the choir, or as a lector, or with children’s Liturgy of the Word. Then you are getting more involved without spending any additional time away from your husband.

 

[HelenRose]

I am Catholic but my husband is not and probably never will be. He has been very supportive of me going to Mass, but it stops there. For instance, Holy Week is very hard on him because I am gone in the evening almost every nite. I would love to be more involved with my parish but not at the cost of upsetting my husband. How do other mixed marriages handle this sort of thing? I feel like I am half a Catholic because I can’t participate more.

You are wise to take in to consideration his position. If your husband supports your going to Mass, appreciate that. My husband supported me and I did not take advantage of that. Out of blue he suddenly announced that he was going to be baptized and become a Catholic. I think he was as surprised as I was. That was 10 years ago. We have been married for 52 years.

There are many ways for a Catholic to show forth the love of Christ.

 

[Holland]

So much encouragement and good ideas. Thanks

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I think every situation is different and its hard to make rules.
My wife is Buddhist (sort of) and grew up in a mixed religion culture (few Christians).

She is very supportive, comes to Sunday mass, puts the money on the plate (but not if she doesn’t agree with the homily or the priest ignores her when we come in the door).

Maybe once every 3 months I will miss Sunday mass and take her to the Temple here instead. (I don’t offer incence or kow tow before Buddha).

She doesn’t mind me going to daily mass.

Re Holy Week she doesn’t mind me going off to the Triduum events.
Why are you out every night during Holy Week - that sounds a bit over the top if it affects your partner?

She will come to the Triduum events if I ask her too but I know she finds it boring though she tries to hide it. Usually I don’t go on Thursday night but instead wash her feet in the lounge at home. That’s a highlight of the year for her. She even does mine.

She doesn’t go to the Good Friday liturgy because she got upset with the renewal of baptismal vows. My parish new age liberals reworded them and one of them went long the lines of “do you believe God is the source of your livelihood” or something. She thinks that is not right, she works very hard for her money and doesn’t see where God ever helped out there! If they hadn’t blown that one she may have been a Catholic by now .

We pray together regularly each week as she has a great devotion to Mary as a person and she has no issue seeing her as a “heavenly” figure. Prayers of petition work very well.
She does the rosary and knows the hail mary off by heart.

When her mum died it was great solace to her that I participated in the main Buddhist rites such as they are. Everybody knows I am a committed Christian and that is fine. No incompatibilities from their side.

When we visit Europe she loves going to the old Churches, especially those with statues of Mary. She fell in love with Fatima, the singing, the feeling of holiness, the night processions with candles, the huge feastday crowds of praying pilgrims. She cannot wait to go to Lourdes.

In other words every mixed marriage is unique and must be adapted to the limits and opportunities for commonality that God offers. I believe that involves some reciprocity too.

We don’t have children so that makes it a bit easier, though she would have no issue with them being brought up Catholic so long as she could take them to the temple now and then.

 

[katiecall87]

I’m in a mixed marriage although my husband is also a committed Christian so doesn’t have this problem, we both support each others faith journey. I think married couples should be able to accept that their spouse can have outside interests whether at a parish or sport or any other hobby. It’s not healthy for a married couple to only want to spend time together.

My marriage is a lot like yours. My husband is a Methodist Christian.There is a lot that he dislikes about the church, which is why I know he is unlikely to ever become Catholic, but he is still very supportive of me being Catholic, and he is fine with our children going to mass and getting the sacraments. He is even being patient about getting our marriage blessed in the church.

We got married when I was only 18 (I’m 29 now).We got married in a rush because we were both military and didn’t want to be separated. I always meant to go back and have the marriage blessed…but then I never did.

Long story short- I left the church for awhile in my early 20’s, but now I am back and deeply regretting not having my marriage blessed. I feel so lucky to have a patient loving husband who’s willing to go through all the steps that I’m sure he feels are nonsense, so that we can have a proper sacramental marriage.