Mixed Marriage

[CatDad]

proudnifi:

My mixed marriage brought me a re-awakening to my own faith. My marriage is Roman Catholic/Greek Orthodox; I think disparity of cult (Christan/non-Christian) would be more difficult.

I also am in a mixed marriage and have had the same experience as proudnifi and spanky above; my wife’s faith (Methodist) has strengthen mine the past 10 years of our marriage. In all honesty she believes more of the teachings of the Catholic faith then many Catholic’s here in Massachusetts. Including contraception, respect for all life, sanctity of marriage, and she even sings the kids to sleep in Latin. And tomorrow night we are going to an open house at a Catholic School for our daughter because of concerns with the trends in the public schools.
Again it is not for everyone but we do have much in common with our Christian bretherian.

God Bless

 

[contemplative]

…the most frequent bit of marriage advice I give to my children…

Marry only a Catholic! Preferrably a real practicing Catholic.

 

[James_2_24]

she_he:

this coming from a person whom uses a quote from a man whom founded the Lutheran church rofl
I was a Lutheran so its all good am marrying a Catholic and thats good,I made the decision to convert not because of my fiance she helped but because after having attended church and RCIA classes with her as a quality time spent together I decided I knew more about the Catholic than Lutheran Faith as I never attended a Lutheran mass… we still have many disagreements though
and I still say religion has little to do with picking a spouse.
if the person is met for you thats that,and to be honest
I dont think God is looking at the signs in front of churches to see what the denomination is…God is looking at the humans inside,and outside,the ones in town,at the lake,in the park,etc etc
John

If you re-read that quote about Luther, it is meant to show his stupidity, because he often said one thing and did another. I am convinced that Martin Luther had some serious mental issues. May God have mercy on his soul.

You are entitled to your opinion… but marriage has everything to do with religion. It is a Sacrament, it was instituted by God. Spouses are to be “helpers” to get one another to heaven and to raise kids with a true Faith in God. If two spouses are of different Faiths you have problems from the outset.

I believe this is why non-denominational Churches like Calvary Chapel are growing at an alarming rate, often at the expense of Catholicism. I have a sister who left the Church and she know says she will never-ever-ever dream of marrying outside of her “faith” because she could not do that to herself or her children and risk her own or her childrens eternal salvation. I see these Protestant homes and see homes of strong faith. I turn to the Catholics that I know who are married outside of their faith, and I see nothing but confusion amongst their kids. Again, this is not to say that there aren’t exceptions. Sure there are, but I am just saying it is playing with fire.

Another point is Muslims, practicing Muslims will not ever dream of marrying outside their Faith. If they attempt to, the spouse will HAVE to become Muslim. These are another group of people whom I have lived around and worked with, and you see that their is no confusoin in their househould about their faith. And their Faith is growing quickly in many countries across the globe, including America.

Catholicism is getting evermore fragmented. I come from a strong orthodox Catholic parish, where mosts of the families and people would not marry outside of their faith… I was sitting there one day, imagining if all these families in the parish were half Catholic and half non-Catholic (spouses) I think the Church would be half full and/or the kids wouldn’t be as strong as they were.

 

[James_2_24]

contemplative:

…the most frequent bit of marriage advice I give to my children…

Marry only a Catholic! Preferrably a real practicing Catholic.

I am sure God will bless you for this! Would that only all Catholics teach this to our children. We would instill in our kids a sense of the importance of our faith and work towards ensuring our families stay Catholic…

 

[James_2_24]

CatDad:

I also am in a mixed marriage and have had the same experience as proudnifi and spanky above; my wife’s faith (Methodist) has strengthen mine the past 10 years of our marriage. In all honesty she believes more of the teachings of the Catholic faith then many Catholic’s here in Massachusetts. Including contraception, respect for all life, sanctity of marriage, and she even sings the kids to sleep in Latin. And tomorrow night we are going to an open house at a Catholic School for our daughter because of concerns with the trends in the public schools.
Again it is not for everyone but we do have much in common with our Christian bretherian.
God Bless

But what about your spouse? It seems many people in mixed marriages here are happy that their spouses are “tolerant” of their Catholic Faith… but is your spouse going to confession, receiving the real body and blood of our Lord, etc?

It would seem to me that many of these spouses could* actually be in danger if they recognize the Catholic Church to be true and do not enter it.

I fear for children of this type of relationship when they get into their late teens and early twenties. In my first or second post I stated my concern that no matter how hard the Catholic parent may try, it seems as the kids get older they think: “well, yeah, mom was supportive of dad’s faith, but how come she never received communion, she didn’t have to go to confession, she never actually became a Catholic” Thus it will seem all relative to them and they may think: “it doesn’t matter what religion you belong to as long as you belong to one” They may become agnostic or even atheist.

My two best friends ended up this way. When we were young we all went to Mass… however, those two come from families where only one spouse was Catholic. They didn’t lose their faith until they got out of the house and on their own and these questions actually hit them.*

 

[aurora77]

James_2:24:

I fear for children of this type of relationship when they get into their late teens and early twenties. In my first or second post I stated my concern that no matter how hard the Catholic parent may try, it seems as the kids get older they think: “well, yeah, mom was supportive of dad’s faith, but how come she never received communion, she didn’t have to go to confession, she never actually became a Catholic” Thus it will seem all relative to them and they may think: “it doesn’t matter what religion you belong to as long as you belong to one” They may become agnostic or even atheist.

I know one example doesn’t prove an arguement, but I can look at my brothers and I. My mom, as I said, isn’t Catholic. I and one of my brothers are devout, practicing Catholics. The other is 19 and trying to find his own way in many ways, not just religion. He is one of the most morally upright and good people I have ever known (and I don’t say that lightly), so I pray for him, but I don’t doubt that he’ll return to the church.

Eventually, everyone has to decide their own way. Kids of two Catholics aren’t guaranteed to be practicing Catholic when they grow up. I do agree that marrying within one’s religion is ideal, but my experience has been that it’s not essential.

 

[maryjk]

James_2:24:

But what about your spouse? It seems many people in mixed marriages here are happy that their spouses are “tolerant” of their Catholic Faith… but is your spouse going to confession, receiving the real body and blood of our Lord, etc?

I guess I look at my parents. Both were Catholic. I can’t tell you the last time my father went to Mass, other then for my son’s First Communion. He hasn’t practiced his faith for so many years, I don’t call him Catholic anymore. But they were both Catholic when they were married. Yet somehow he fell away from the Church. There is no guarantee.

My spouse isn’t “tolerant” of my Faith. He is supportive of my Faith. No he is not going to confession or receiving the real body and blood of our Lord. But he makes sure that I have a way to get there. He will drive if I can’t. My husband is more supportive of my Faith, than my Father is supportive of my Mother’s faith. Yet my husband isn’t Catholic.

I don’t look for guarantees in life. Being married to someone that is Catholic doesn’t guarantee that you will have a Catholic marriage. I have seen it too many times to think that being married Catholic means that everyone will stay Catholic.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

1.) The Church allows for such a marriage, so if one feels called to it, meets the requirements and completes the necessary paperwork, who are we to question?

2.) There have been several testimonies here that a “mixed” marriage works for them, or they make a mixed marriage work. I know several others that have worked, as well, two with disparity of cult.

3.) It didn’t work for me, but that also could have been attributed to the fact that I married young (20), and married at the urging of my mother to just marry anybody and I would somehow learn to love that person. My ex also lived his life has if he’d never taken a vow of marriage. Thank the Good Lord of decrees of nullity!!! And thank God that he led me to my Catholic husband!!!

 

[James_2_24]

maryjk:

I guess I look at my parents. Both were Catholic. I can’t tell you the last time my father went to Mass, other then for my son’s First Communion. He hasn’t practiced his faith for so many years, I don’t call him Catholic anymore. But they were both Catholic when they were married. Yet somehow he fell away from the Church. There is no guarantee.

My spouse isn’t “tolerant” of my Faith. He is supportive of my Faith. No he is not going to confession or receiving the real body and blood of our Lord. But he makes sure that I have a way to get there. He will drive if I can’t. My husband is more supportive of my Faith, than my Father is supportive of my Mother’s faith. Yet my husband isn’t Catholic.

I don’t look for guarantees in life. Being married to someone that is Catholic doesn’t guarantee that you will have a Catholic marriage. I have seen it too many times to think that being married Catholic means that everyone will stay Catholic.

Neither do I look for guaruntees. I am sorry about your father. But when I speak of marrying a “Catholic” I am talking about a devout, practicing Catholic. When looking for a spouse, I believe one should hold out for such a person. We are all human, so things are never guarunteed with us. However, all things being equal… You set yourself up for failure marrying a non-Catholic.

Sure some have worked. And as you said, your husband is supportive but not practicing. What does this tell the children?
It is confusing to say the least.

Now you may say they are practicing with you now, but what about when they are on their own. Wouldn’t it have been better to have a strong, solid Catholic foundation?

What about your husband’s salvation and faith? Are we not to try to bring them to heaven as well? Many here seem to be content with the fact that their spouse is merely supportive of their faith, what about the spouses faith?

Don’t get me wrong, I hope it all works out for you. I hope your children grow in life to be solid, faith-filled Catholics.

I know I will be proven wrong in certain instance by those who “make it work”, but my point is in the larger picture: How can we not be a stronger church when we marry within and build up the Church with strong solidly Catholic families? Spouses being supportive is nice and comfortable for the practicing spouse, but what about the big picture/future? What message is this sending the children?

My bestfriend whom I grew up with for 17+ years of my life had a very devout mother. She went to Mass every Sunday, prayed the rosary, etc, etc, etc. Her non-practicing husband was VERY supportive. He drove her to church and the whole bit. My bestfriend was practicing until college. That’s when he dropped off and became agnostic, he followed the path of his father… I talk to him about the faith now, but he is for the most part non-responsive. My friend’s bestfriend and his brother have the exact same story.

 

[maryjk]

James_2:24:

But when I speak of marrying a “Catholic” I am talking about a devout, practicing Catholic.

Which he was. More devout than my Mother.

I think everyone looks at their family, friends and neighbors. We see what is around us. I see too many families that started as Catholic families, changed to just one practicing. I also see many “mixed” marriages, where the practicing spouse has lead the other to the Church.
James_2:24:

What about your husband’s salvation and faith? Are we not to try to bring them to heaven as well? Many here seem to be content with the fact that their spouse is merely supportive of their faith, what about the spouses faith?

What looks like contentment is not. I pray every day for my husband’s salvation. I show him the faith, by being a devout, practicing Catholic. I attend Mass at least twice a week. I expose him to all things Catholic. I pray the rosary for his salvation. I ask others to pray for him. His salvation is always on my mind. There is no contentment.

No this is not for everyone. You must be very stong in your own faith. Both parties must be adult in their actions.
James_2:24:

How can we not be a stronger church when we marry within and build up the Church with strong solidly Catholic families?

Maybe we can. Maybe not. Look at the number of devout Catholics that have left. Look at the number of spouses that have joined. Maybe it evens out. Maybe not. But by questioning those that have made it work, you question the Church that allowed it. The Catholic Church allowed me to have a sacramental marriage. You are now saying that they shouldn’t have allowed it. They may know more then you.

 

[James_2_24]

maryjk:

Maybe we can. Maybe not. Look at the number of devout Catholics that have left. Look at the number of spouses that have joined. Maybe it evens out. Maybe not. But by questioning those that have made it work, you question the Church that allowed it. The Catholic Church allowed me to have a sacramental marriage. You are now saying that they shouldn’t have allowed it. They may know more then you.

I have yet to find a Catholic who knew their faith and left the Church. I know many who didn’t know their faith and they left. In fact, I know a few in my own family.

I don’t think we can “look at” any of those numbers as we don’t have accurate statistics. I do see a definitive point in the Church around the time of Vatican II where things really took a plunge for the worst. This was also the time when lots of things were relaxed in the Church, including mixed marriage.
I am not stating that mixed marriage is the sole reason for all the ills in the Church, but I think it is one of the reasons.

Before you get upset with me, I am not saying YOUR marriage is a cause of ill in the Church… I am speaking very generally. I am speaking of the “idea” of mixed marriage in a general sense. By this I mean that I believe mixed marriage is dangerous and those who have made it work are very blessed and dodged a bullet.

Also, I apologize for assuming you were “content” with your spouses current state in life.

I come from a home with two Catholic parents whom divorced and I grew up agnostic. The problem here is that they were “practicing” in that they prayed together all the time, but they hardly knew their faith. I know this because I came back to the Church in my late teens and spoke to my father and mother about the Faith that I found and realized they knew very little of what I spoke.

This is why I say, all things equal, it is better in my eyes if two practicing Catholics, who know their faith, marry. This is not to say they cannot fail at marriage, but I believe the odds of raising kids and getting them to heaven are much much better.

 

[mrs_abbott]

Religion is the most important thing, next to family, in your life. As long as you agree about it, I don’t think it really matters who is what particular religion. Keep in mind children too in your decision making.
It’s just easier in the long run if you’re both the same religion.

 

[James_2_24]

mrs_abbott:

Religion is the most important thing, next to family, in your life. As long as you agree about it, I don’t think it really matters who is what particular religion. Keep in mind children too in your decision making.
It’s just easier in the long run if you’re both the same religion.

If by “next to your family”, you mean family is most important THEN religion… I would have to disagree. I think it is this way of thinking that leads some, not all, to mixed marriage. They probably view finding a spouse for them number 1 and then religion a close second. Close enough that the spouse should be supportive, tolerant, and all the rest, but far enought that it doesn’t matter if the spouse is the same religion… I believe it should be:

God first then family.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

I have to believe that most who enter into mixed marriages are either ignorant Catholics or uncommitted to the Church.

That was the state I was in when I married my wonderful sorta Methodist husband.

Here’s some problems we have directly related to the mixed marriage:

1. He attends Mass infrequently. So, my children have that example.
2. We have on and off problems with using NFP. He disagrees with the Church teaching. This has been a major issue.
3. At Baptisms and First Communion, only half the family attends. His family doesn’t see the big deal.
4. I am responsible for all the religious education. I think everyone can see the necessity of a father’s impact on an education.
5. It is very difficult to bring Catholic customs in the house. Not that he is opposed to them all, but it is just hard to do all the work. For example, I’d love to have a Sacred Heart Enthronement, but I know he wouldn’t be involved in the ceremony.
6. I did my 12 year old son’s “facts of life” talk because I was worried that my dH wouldn’t bring Catholic morality into it. He things the Catholic Church is sort of prudish. I worry when the kids will eventually come to him with questions regarding.
7. If I try to discuss anything Catholic, he is disinterested. It can be lonely. Okay, that is an understatement. It is very very lonely to not speak your heart to your spouse.

I’m sure I could come up with more. I’d classify my husband as supportive but disinterested. He is a great guy, a good provider, a romantic husband, and kind man.

I still tell my kids that when the time comes, they should date only committed Catholics. I just pray that God will make up for my mistake.

James 2:24, you are right. Mixed Marriages are very hard on the children and the Catholic spouse.

 

[mrs_abbott]

By “next to your family”, I mean they should be side by side in your life. Plain and simple.
James_2:24:

If by “next to your family”, you mean family is most important THEN religion… I would have to disagree. I think it is this way of thinking that leads some, not all, to mixed marriage. They probably view finding a spouse for them number 1 and then religion a close second. Close enough that the spouse should be supportive, tolerant, and all the rest, but far enought that it doesn’t matter if the spouse is the same religion… I believe it should be:

God first then family.

 

[aurora77]

JMJ Theresa:

I have to believe that most who enter into mixed marriages are either ignorant Catholics or uncommitted to the Church.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad experience with your husband, but please don’t paint all such marriages with such a wide brush. Perhaps my experience is unusual, but I’ve experienced nothing like you have–my husband is very open to Catholicism, we have crucifixes, rosaries, Bibles, all that good stuff around, he talks about my faith. Again, I’m sorry you have such difficulties, but it’s not like that for all of us!

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

aurora77:

I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad experience with your husband, but please don’t paint all such marriages with such a wide brush. Perhaps my experience is unusual, but I’ve experienced nothing like you have–my husband is very open to Catholicism, we have crucifixes, rosaries, Bibles, all that good stuff around, he talks about my faith. Again, I’m sorry you have such difficulties, but it’s not like that for all of us!

Well, most of my friends say my husband is more Catholic than the average Catholic. We have plenty of sacramentals around the house. My kids are very involved in different Catholic organizations. So, I wouldn’t say that it is a “bad” experience–just not the fullness of what a trully Catholic marriage would be.

How would your life be different if your husband was Catholic?

 

[aurora77]

JMJ Theresa:

Well, most of my friends say my husband is more Catholic than the average Catholic. We have plenty of sacramentals around the house. My kids are very involved in different Catholic organizations. So, I wouldn’t say that it is a “bad” experience–just not the fullness of what a trully Catholic marriage would be.

How would your life be different if your husband was Catholic?

First, I need to apologize for misunderstanding your situation! I hope I wasn’t offensive.

He would believe in the Real Presence. Honestly, that’s really the only thing that I wish he could understand that I believe in. He then would be able to receive the Eucharist at Mass. I’m not sure that much else would be different. I can forsee that should we be blessed with children, the burden of religious education would be on me, but knowing him, I think it would be on me even if he was Catholic. NFP hasn’t been an issue, embarrassingly enough, I was the one who insisted on ABC (I think this goes back to your statement about an ignorant Catholic–I just didn’t get it). Now I do understand the Church’s teaching and he is 100% behind that. We pray together now and I see that continuing. Nothing about Catholicism freaks him out, so I could see him helping our kids learn the Hail Mary without squirming.

I don’t know how it would be different if he were Catholic, but, considering what we’ve been through together and how good a couple we are, I can’t imagine that it would be any better! Please don’t take that as a denigration of our faith, but he is just such a good, kind, loving man, being a Catholic wouldn’t make him any better a spouse or a person.

 

[maryjk]

aurora77:

I don’t know how it would be different if he were Catholic, but, considering what we’ve been through together and how good a couple we are, I can’t imagine that it would be any better! Please don’t take that as a denigration of our faith, but he is just such a good, kind, loving man, being a Catholic wouldn’t make him any better a spouse or a person.

This says it all. My husband isn’t Catholic. *But he is such a good, kind, loving man, being a Catholic wouldn’t make him a better spouse or person. *

It would change his beliefs, not his actions. The only thing I would see different, he would attend Mass with us.

 

[CatDad]

James_2:24:

But what about your spouse? It seems many people in mixed marriages here are happy that their spouses are “tolerant” of their Catholic Faith… but is your spouse going to confession, receiving the real body and blood of our Lord, etc?

It would seem to me that many of these spouses

could* actually be in danger if they recognize the Catholic Church to be true and do not enter it.
.*
Thanks aurora77 and maryjk for you comments. My wife is also more then tolerant she is supportive and we both work together to deepen our relationship with Christ. She like all of us is on a spiritual journey to our Lord and is coming closer to The Church each day.

I think something that needs to be considered as well is that a sacramental marrage has Three parties involved the husband, wife and God. A marriage is partially an act of the will but a spouse is a gift from God, and I believe that my wife is the greatest gift God has given me, aside from himself. How could I be true to my God (Priority #1) and not accept the gift I was given? The purpose of my life is the salvation of my spouse as it should be for all who are called to the vocation of marrage.

I pray for my wife every day and spend time in eucharistic adoration and and recently completed a 90 day"novena" for her conversion.

Again remember we are all sinners and some of us were given the grace of being born into the faith and others are in a journey toward or away from it. And my relationship with my wife has drawn me much closer to God, even if she is not a Catholic.

Regarding my children I also pray for them daily and do my best to see that they are devoted to the Lord. But I trust in the Lord that he will lead them to salvation, for I cannot without Him

God Bless