Mixed Marriages and Young Children

[TC3033]

Question:

For everyone who is in a mixed marriage, or maybe have friends who are, how do you handle questions from the children?

My wife and kids are Catholic (7 & 4), and I’m non-denominational. As our oldest gets closer to first communion age, and continues “prep” I’m dreading the day that we need to answer questions as to why Dad is “different”. Why doesn’t he take communion at our church, but does at the “other” one. Why doesn’t he kneel? Why aren’t we supposed to hold his hand during the Lord’s Prayer, Heaven and Hell, etc…

Anyone with experience with this have any good answers, stories, passages to use??

 

[Maddie26]

I can only answer a very small part of this so bear with me. I was of the understanding that hand holding during the Lord’s Prayer is strictly an optional extra. The Church doesn’t mandate it or tell you whose hand you can or can’t hold. It symbolises whatever you want it to symbolise, it shouldn’t be a divisive thing. Hold their hands, if you want to. There is no rule against it. I think it would be a lovely sign of family unity, agreeing where you can agree, rather than saying Dad isn’t one of us.

They will come across different opinions sooner or later. Explaining that you and Mum believe different things about God but still love one another won’t break them. I believe your manner will be almost more important than your words. Your love for your family, your ability to respect differing opinions, your own faith will all come across is very subtle ways that children are so quick to pick up.

 

[jane_doe]

I’m a Mormon married to an Evangelical.

You need to sit down with your husband NOW (not when “the kids are older”) and decide how you’re going to present faith to your children TOGETHER. Figure out which things are important doctrinal truths, which things are just cultural traditions, which things are lesser truths.

Important doctrinal truths- decide these and present them to your children together.

Just cultural traditions - just say them how it is: cultural traditions, neither Mommy or Daddy’s way is “wrong”.

Lesser Truths - this you can have some flexibility in how you present it to the kids. It is ok for Mommy to believe one things, and Daddy another. Share both- exposing the kids to diversity of faith is a good thing! Encourage them to study and reach their own faith.

Most of all: never make either spouse the “other”, but be a unified front in raising your children.

 

[Servant19]

I’m a Mormon married to an Evangelical.

You need to sit down with your husband NOW (not when “the kids are older”) and decide how you’re going to present faith to your children TOGETHER. Figure out which things are important doctrinal truths, which things are just cultural traditions, which things are lesser truths.

Important doctrinal truths- decide these and present them to your children together.

Just cultural traditions - just say them how it is: cultural traditions, neither Mommy or Daddy’s way is “wrong”.

Lesser Truths - this you can have some flexibility in how you present it to the kids. It is ok for Mommy to believe one things, and Daddy another. Share both- exposing the kids to diversity of faith is a good thing! Encourage them to study and reach their own faith.

Most of all: never make either spouse the “other”, but be a unified front in raising your children.

Wonderful!!

.

 

[TC3033]

I can only answer a very small part of this so bear with me. I was of the understanding that hand holding during the Lord’s Prayer is strictly an optional extra. The Church doesn’t mandate it or tell you whose hand you can or can’t hold. It symbolises whatever you want it to symbolise, it shouldn’t be a divisive thing. Hold their hands, if you want to. There is no rule against it. I think it would be a lovely sign of family unity, agreeing where you can agree, rather than saying Dad isn’t one of us.

They will come across different opinions sooner or later. Explaining that you and Mum believe different things about God but still love one another won’t break them. I believe your manner will be almost more important than your words. Your love for your family, your ability to respect differing opinions, your own faith will all come across is very subtle ways that children are so quick to pick up.

Thanks for the feedback. On the first part, FWIW, I read on here it was a no-go.

I like your ideas on how to be easy with them and explain that we have different beliefs, and that is OK.

 

[TC3033]

I’m a Mormon married to an Evangelical.

You need to sit down with your husband NOW (not when “the kids are older”) and decide how you’re going to present faith to your children TOGETHER. Figure out which things are important doctrinal truths, which things are just cultural traditions, which things are lesser truths.

Important doctrinal truths- decide these and present them to your children together.

Just cultural traditions - just say them how it is: cultural traditions, neither Mommy or Daddy’s way is “wrong”.

Lesser Truths - this you can have some flexibility in how you present it to the kids. It is ok for Mommy to believe one things, and Daddy another. Share both- exposing the kids to diversity of faith is a good thing! Encourage them to study and reach their own faith.

Most of all: never make either spouse the “other”, but be a unified front in raising your children.

Thanks for advice to get ahead of this before the questions start. Have you ever been put in the place where either of you needed to answer a question like I laid out above?

Oh, and BTW…I’m a guy

 

[jane_doe]

Oh, and BTW…I’m a guy

Sorry (darn internet…).

Thanks for advice to get ahead of this before the questions start. Have you ever been put in the place where either of you needed to answer a question like I laid out above?

From my children: my daughter is 2, so no.

From my in-laws: mis-conceptions about other people’s religions are rampant. Every couple of months something comes up. A couple of examples–

• Evangelical MIL got really mad when we had baby blessed by my Mormon dad (blessed is not baptized).
• Mormon sister gets mad that my marriage is not a sacramental in the Mormon church (I’m borrowing Catholic terms here), and that we have no plans to change that right now.
• Evangelical MIL gets mad that I don’t force my husband to go to Evangelical church. Instead by default I take baby to Mormon church with me (we have been to Evangelical and Methodist churches too).
• Lots of questions from all extended family of “what are you going to do when baby is of age”.

 

[Peter_J]

Question:

For everyone who is in a mixed marriage, or maybe have friends who are, how do you handle questions from the children?

My wife and kids are Catholic (7 & 4), and I’m non-denominational. As our oldest gets closer to first communion age, and continues “prep” I’m dreading the day that we need to answer questions as to why Dad is “different”. Why doesn’t he take communion at our church, but does at the “other” one. Why doesn’t he kneel? Why aren’t we supposed to hold his hand during the Lord’s Prayer

Forgive me for zeroing in on one detail, but if I were in a marriage with that issue, I’d like to think we could settle it one way or the other – either the spouse who’s in favor of hand-holding could “convert” to being a non-hand-holder, or vice versa. (I’m assuming you’re saying that your wife and kids hold hands but you don’t.)

 

[jane_doe]

Thanks for advice to get ahead of this before the questions start. Have you ever been put in the place where either of you needed to answer a question like I laid out above?

Actually, I did just think of one thing that comes up, even with my 2 yr old-- prayers!

Style: do you how hands (Evangelical style) or fold arms (Mormon style)? Well, this is a cultural thing, so there’s no ‘wrong’ way. We do it Evangelical style with Evangelicals, Mormon with Mormons, and at home usually Evangelical style because baby girl likes holding hands (and it keeps her less squirmy).

Doctrine stuff: Mormons and Evangelical both agree that prayers are address to the Father in the name of Jesus Christ, so this isn’t an issue. And then baby girl says “Amen!”.

 

[TC3033]

Forgive me for zeroing in on one detail, but if I were in a marriage with that issue, I’d like to think we could settle it one way or the other – either the spouse who’s in favor of hand-holding could “convert” to being a non-hand-holder, **or vice versa. **(I’m assuming you’re saying that your wife and kids hold hands but you don’t.)

From what I’ve read, mainly on here FWIW, I saw that non-Catholics weren’t supposed to with other Catholics. Sounds like that information may not be 100% correct.

 

[Aslan10]

I’m not married and so I would no presume to know how to handle this situation correctly, I’ll leave that to those with more experience. But as someone who is an Anglican, with a family that is Presbyterian, and an estranged part of the family that is Catholic, I would say to look upon this situation as a positive opportunity.

So many families and friendships are broken because of different convictions–use your situation as an example to show how people with different beliefs can love each other the way Christ would want. You have an opportunity to handle things differently than many have in the past; believe it or not, your tough task is a blessing waiting to happen.

 

[Padres1969]

I’m a Mormon married to an Evangelical.

You need to sit down with your husband NOW (not when “the kids are older”) and decide how you’re going to present faith to your children TOGETHER. Figure out which things are important doctrinal truths, which things are just cultural traditions, which things are lesser truths.

Important doctrinal truths- decide these and present them to your children together.

Just cultural traditions - just say them how it is: cultural traditions, neither Mommy or Daddy’s way is “wrong”.

Lesser Truths - this you can have some flexibility in how you present it to the kids. It is ok for Mommy to believe one things, and Daddy another. Share both- exposing the kids to diversity of faith is a good thing! Encourage them to study and reach their own faith.

Most of all: never make either spouse the “other”, but be a unified front in raising your children.

Thank you for posting this. I’m about to enter into this realm myself with my first on the way in a few months. And while it’ll be a few years before she’ll be really aware of what’s going on around here enough to ask questions like this, I’m already anticipating them since I’m Christian (Episcopalian) and my wife is a-religious.

We’ve begun discussions and my wife is totally ok with our daughter being baptized as she understands doing so is important to me personally, spiritually, and for tradition sake. We’re just starting to discuss how we’ll deal with it post baptism, my wife seems amenable to me continuing to raise our daughter Christian however so the discussion should go well thankfully. But we will obviously then have to address the issue of why mommy (as well as grandma and pop) don’t go to church.

 

[Peter_J]

From what I’ve read, mainly on here FWIW, I saw that non-Catholics weren’t supposed to with other Catholics. Sounds like that information may not be 100% correct.

I didn’t see those posts, but I have noticed there is a bit of an epidemic of people confusing CAF with the Church, so it’s possible that someone posted that without considering what the Church might think.

Holding hands while praying is more a Protestant practice – within Catholicism, some priests encourage it but some discourage it, so you should see how it is at the parish in question. But either way, I can’t imagine the priest telling his flock “Hold hands while praying, but only if the other person is also Catholic.”

 

[Peter_J]

I didn’t see those posts, but I have noticed there is a bit of an epidemic of people confusing CAF with the Church, so it’s possible that someone posted that without considering what the Church might think.

Holding hands while praying is more a Protestant practice – within Catholicism, some priests encourage it but some discourage it, so you should see how it is at the parish in question. But either way, I can’t imagine the priest telling his flock “Hold hands while praying, but only if the other person is also Catholic.”

P.S. Well, maybe I’m being a little overly bold in saying “can’t imagine”. I know there’s at least one parish in my town that’s more-CAF-than-CAF-is (I used to go there sometimes but don’t anymore); and I also remember the priest you told us about, the one with a tendency to “warn” people about you since you are a non-Catholic.

So maybe I should have said, **if **the priest tells his flock “Hold hands while praying, but only if the other person is also Catholic”, then is that really a parish you want to attend?

 

[TC3033]

I didn’t see those posts, but I have noticed there is a bit of an epidemic of people confusing CAF with the Church, so it’s possible that someone posted that without considering what the Church might think.

Holding hands while praying is more a Protestant practice – within Catholicism, some priests encourage it but some discourage it, so you should see how it is at the parish in question. But either way, I can’t imagine the priest telling his flock “Hold hands while praying, but only if the other person is also Catholic.”

Understood. We may be a bit confused. This was specifically the lord’s prayer (palms to the sky at mass) when many hold hands with loved ones instead. I read on here (might have been older threads that came up on google) where Catholics aren’t supposed to hold hands with non-Catholics at that time. It could be completely wrong, that might have been the only info I was able to find, or accidentally stumble across.

 

[Peter_J]

Understood. We may be a bit confused. This was specifically the lord’s prayer (palms to the sky at mass) when many hold hands with loved ones instead. I read on here (might have been older threads that came up on google) where Catholics aren’t supposed to hold hands with non-Catholics at that time. It could be completely wrong, that might have been the only info I was able to find, or accidentally stumble across.

I never those posts, but I can believe that they exist. I wouldn’t worry too much about it: CAF isn’t the Church.