mixed marriages

[jrabs]

MKV,

I applaud your desire to think about the implications of a mixed marriage on children. You have had awesome feedback - really powerful things to think about.

I married a man who was Catholic - but did not really practice too much. As we had children and the years progressed, he started falling away - decided that he never really believed anyway and refused to go to mass with me and the kids. We were married for 10 years and finally ended in divorce for many reasons but religion had much to do with it.

Impact on the kids:
The impact on the kids has been severe and I have had to do much damage control. These are real questions I have had to answer over the years borne out of confusion.

• If it is OK for dad to stay home, then how come it is a sin for me to miss mass? Then that follows with a battle from the kids. Why Why Why.

- Daddy doesn't go to confession.  Why do I need to go?  

- I want to be Protestant because then I wouldn't have to go to church.

 - How come dad doesn't have to say the family rosary with us?   In your case, how come dad doesn't pray to  Our Blessed Mother or the Saints?

I’ll tell you what - it got pretty bad at some points because when we got divorced, the boys were going to mass some weeks and staying home others. Utter confusion. And oh, the arguments about religion and necessity of mass were fierce.

How can you raise them in two different religions that have such disparity over core values like Our Blessed Mother, the Saints, obligatory mass, the importance of the Eucharist and Christ’s real presence.

It is too much for a child’s mind to handle, process and assimilate. If given a choice as kids, they will pick the easier one to follow. A Protestant could argue Catholicism has many rules and is rigid. Sheesh - what kid wants to sit through an hour long mass weekly? My kids do not especially like going to Adoration weekly, and they could find better use of their time than saying the family rosary, if given the opportunity.

What is your goal? To raise lukewarm, or cafeteria Catholics? Or solid, faithful individuals that know God and have a shot at salvation?

Rev 3; 9-12
"To the angel of the church in Laodicea, write this: " 'The Amen, the faithful and true witness, the source of God’s creation, says this:
“I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”

What a difficult choice you have in front of you. Please pray for God’s will to be done in your life. Let Him pick your spouse for you. If this person is God’s choice, it will work out - if not, and you decide to go ahead with your plans anyway, then the road will be bumpier, harder and filled with strife beyond belief.

It sounds like you are prepared to listen to God. Good for you!

Sometimes God puts people in our path (people we are in love with and would like to marry) to make us realize and confront these issues. I am not suggesting this is not the person for you - I am merely suggesting that God had other motives in bringing you together with your boyfriend.

God be with you in your hard decision.

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

When I got married 121/2 years ago I was a Sunday only Cafeteria Catholic. My husband was nothing. Since then the Lord has truly opened my eyes as to the truth of His Church and He has become the most important thing in my life. Nothing in my life has been harder than being unequally yoked.

While scripture uses “unequally yoked” to speak of believers and unbelievers (at a time when all believers believed the same things) I think it can now be used to speak of believers who do not believe the same things. When two people profess completely opposite things as true they are truly unequally yoked. What a way to knowingly begin a life together.

I think what it all boils down to is priorities. What is more important, spiritual unity in a family teaching absolute truth to their children as a team or marrying a particular person even though the result will be a spiritually disunified family where relativism is the norm?

Another question may be is it OK with you if you’re children believe what your husband believes? Is it OK with you if your children believe that the Catholic Church is not the Church founded by Christ? Is it OK with you if your children believe that the bread they receive at communion is merely symbolic? If so, then you don’t see Catholicism as true but simply as one option of many. If some day God should reveal to you that the Catholic Church IS the Church founded by Christ I can tell you from experience that there is nothing harder in a marraige than not being able to share in that belief with your spouse, not being able to rejoice in the truth together but hold conflicting and contradictory truths, each hoping that YOUR truth is the one that your children will see as THE truth.

The fact that the spouses of some posters here started out unequally yoked but ended up in unity can’t be a guide for your decision. That in no way means it will happen to you. Could it? Sure. Will it? Maybe, maybe not. Is marrying this man worth the possibility that you and he will be spiritually mismatched your entire marraige with that as a legacy for your kids? Only you can answer that.

Keep in mind that once the excitement of looking forward to a wedding is over and the years go by and your relationship is no longer all about feelings but about substance what will the substance of your marraige be based on? Disunity in Christ? Is it enough that you both believe in Christ or is it better for your marraige and your family that you both embrace the same beliefs about Him?

In Christ,
Nancy

 

[bapcathluth]

Jrabs makes a good point. I don’t know what kind of Catholic the original poster is, but if my father had been as devout as Jrabs is, then my parents’ marriage most definitely would have ended in divorce. No way would my mother have dealt with this kind of religiosity well. Also, if my father had been very devout, he wouldn’t have compromised about birth control.

Being in a mixed marriage means making a lot of compromises. If your religion is your most important aspect of your life and you believe unbendingly that your way is the only true way, I would recommend not getting into a mixed marriage.

 

[Katholikos]

bapcathluth:

My parents were married in the 1950’s and they had to be married in the Catholic church according to my mother. She didn’t want to be; she wanted to be married by her childhood minister. I do know that she liked the young priest who married them.

I would say the differences are minute. It just depends on whether you want to focus on the minutia or the big picture which is Christ’s love and our belief in him as our savior. I think it is sad that we Christians let these petty differences blind us to all we have in common.

Being a child of a mixed marriage makes one much more able to see varying points of view, I guess. I don’t think my mother felt that her religion was “inferior” as you stated. In fact, part of the problem was that both of my parents thought that their religion was superior.

Well, one of them was right.

You don’t know Catholicism or Lutheranism or you would know that they are not alike – not even close. Luther’s foundational tenants for Protestantism were Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, and Sola Gratia – both SFand SS are the antithesis of Catholicism. The differences are not petty but profound. They have to do with how we are saved, what we are to believe, and how our Faith is to be practiced.

Christ was not a relativist, as you seem to be. He founded ONE Church for the salvation of the world, commissioned His Apostles to teach it “whatsoever he commanded them” (Mt 28:20), and He expects us all to belong to it. We are expected to believe what Christ and His Apostles taught, not what we each want to believe.

I repeat – no one HAS to be married in the Catholic Church. The Church has no police force to enforce her laws. People come to her voluntarily, of their own free will. All your mother had to do was say no. What she meant was, she wanted to marry your father, who insisted they had to be married in his Church. She signed an oath to God to raise her children Catholic, but didn’t.

I am the child of an apostate Catholic mother and an anti-Catholic, Southern Baptist father. I was raised Baptist, torn between two families. My mother’s family was Catholic, but she wasn’t. After I became a Catholic (to the consternation of my Baptist relatives), my anti-Catholic father converted and my mother returned to the Church. But I was (almost) as anti-Catholic as Ian Paisley when I found the Truth.

Peace be with you.

JMJ Jay
Ex-Southern Baptist, ex-agnostic, ex-atheist, ecstatic to be Catholic!

 

[TheGarg]

Katholikos:

Well, one of them was right .

You don’t know Catholicism or Lutheranism or you would know that they are not alike – not even close. Luther’s foundational tenants for Protestantism were Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, and Sola Gratia – both SF and SS are the antithesis of Catholicism. The differences are not petty but profound. They have to do with how we are saved, what we are to believe, and how our Faith is to be practiced.

Christ was not a relativist, as you seem to be. He founded ONE Church for the salvation of the world, commissioned His Apostles to teach it “whatsoever he commanded them” (Mt 28:20), and He expects us all to belong to it. We are expected to believe what Christ and His Apostles taught, not what we each want to believe.

Thank you for saying what needed to be said. Some bad advice is being thrown around in here. People are trying to “compromise” God to fit their lifestyle instead of submitting to His Will.

Compromise[noun]:

1 a : settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things

---

2: a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial <a compromise of principles>

Compromise - ing or d [verb]:

1 obsolete: to bind by mutual agreement
2: to adjust or settle by mutual concessions
3 a: to expose to suspicion, discredit, or mischief b: to reveal or expose to an unauthorized person and especially to an enemy <confidential information was compromised> c: to cause the impairment of <a *compromised *immune system> <a seriously *compromised *patient>

Intransitive senses
1 a: to come to agreement by mutual concession b: to find or follow a way between extremes
2: to make a shameful or disreputable concession <wouldn’t compromise with their principles>

According to the definitions for compromise in both uses of the word, noun and verb, compromise is a bad, bad thing.

Nothing comes between my relationship with Jesus, not even when he asks me to do things I don’t agree with. I don’t “barter”, or “arbitrate” with his word or His Church. I “submit” myself to “serve” Him and His will. When He requires me to do something hard, or difficult, I don’t just run join another denomination that says I don’t have to listen to the last church.

JMJ Jay is absolutely correct about the differences in Protestantism and Christ’s true holy catholic and apostolic Church. It is night and day.

Even Christ says in Revelation 3:15,16

15’(AX) I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; (AY) I wish that you were cold or hot.
16’So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

compromise = intermediate = lukewarm

I pray that no one ever compromises their beliefs, for that would mean in this case that the girl that posted this thread would be inviting disaster and ruin into her life.

Jesus First

Spouse Second

Children Third

Everybody Else

No Compromise!

 

[bapcathluth]

Then you Garg and Katholikos had better not marry non-Catholics. I don’t think it would be fair to you or to them. That is my point. If you are the kind of Catholic who thinks everyone else is going to hell and everyone else is dead wrong, then intermarrying would spell disaster. I don’t think that attitude about your spouse’s eternal salvation will make for a good marriage. You need to find somebody with your own world-view.