Mom bugging me about getting married

[TheRealJuliane]

Kouyate42,

This website came up on another thread, and I thought of you. Please read through it, and this page especially.

SRS - Research

Other people have gone through this and regretted it. It is not what it’s touted to be.

Thanks for being patient with all of us and not just shutting down on the subject.

 

[Kouyate42]

I’m very open-minded about this sort of thing.

 

[jakasaki]

I’m very open-minded about this sort of thing.

Hi there & good morning from New York.

I noticed once again you changed your religion status to “going to the mosque”.

It seems like you are looking into islam again.

My question is this.

If you are going to the mosque, are you presenting yourself as a female or male…?

 

[Musician]

Must be a little annoying, but I can identify with your mom. I bugged all my kids about getting married and I know it probably got on their nerves…
Just be honest with your mom, she’ll understand. It won’t stop her, but just tell every time that you’re not ready right now.

 

[Kouyate42]

Hi there & good morning from New York.

I noticed once again you changed your religion status to “going to the mosque”.

It seems like you are looking into islam again.

My question is this.

If you are going to the mosque, are you presenting yourself as a female or male…?

I’m studying Arabic again, and with it my interest in Islam and Islamic culture has come again.

I present as a female to answer your question. I dress something like this:

http://saudigirlslife.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/abaya-1126.jpg

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m studying Arabic again, and with it my interest in Islam and Islamic culture has come again.

I present as a female to answer your question. I dress something like this:

http://saudigirlslife.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/abaya-1126.jpg

Hmmm. Let us assume of course that I would very much discourage you from leaving the Church for any reason, from first principles.

Ignoring that, and just being practical: If you are intent on leaving in order to follow Islam, it seems prudent to ask what Islam teaches about the personal issues you are contemplating? My understanding is that Islam strictly forbids transgender living, transvestite dressing, and transexual surgeries, and that the religion is every bit as adamant as ours is on that point.

But this is getting off the point of your original question…

 

[SwizzleStick]

Hmmm. Let us assume of course that I would very much discourage you from leaving the Church for any reason, from first principles. …

But this is getting off the point of your original question…

Not to go further off point, but she isn’t leaving the Church. She isn’t Catholic.

 

[chepner3]

And back to your original question …

When I was about your age my mom used to obsess about some question, it wasn’t marriage, but it was something else and I forget what it was now. Anyway, my mom is mentally ill so when she obsesses, she really gets into it. I finally had enough and told her, “Mom, if you bring up the topic again, I am walking out of the house and I won’t be back until you can control yourself.” Within 2 seconds she was right back at it so I got up and left.

My dad ran after me as I calmly walked to my car and begged me to come back. I explained to him that I wasn’t abandoning mom but that I was done talking about that topic and needed to have a different type of conversation with her. I wasn’t ANGRY, I was setting a boundary.

I don’t think my dad, nor my mom, ever understood my point, but it did solve the problem. My mom never brought up the topic again.

If you don’t want to do something quite so dramatic there is another technique that can be used. Simply repeat your answer. Let’s say she says, “I hope you’ll get married one day. Do you think that’s possible?” You will reply, “Mom, I’m nowhere close to even considering marriage right now. I have no way to predict it either way.” Mom goes on with, “But I want you to be married so you’re not alone.” To which you repeat, “I have no way to predict it either way.” And she says, “I know, I’m just saying that I pray for you to find the happiness I had with your father.” And you repeat, “I have no way to predict it either way.”

That’s just an example but at some point she’ll catch on that you’re just repeating your reply and she will challenge you. She will say something like, “I’m trying to have a conversation with you and all you do is repeat the same old phrase!” In which you say, “I have no way to predict it either way.” Stay calm. Stay cool. Don’t let her bait you with new ways to drag you into the debate on whether or when you’ll get married. Simply repeat and smile and hope the agony will be over soon.

 

[Listener]

This may be a little off topic, but I wonder if someone could explain in detail what it feels like when you think you’re a man inside a woman’s body. I wish I could be more sympathetic.

Personally, I am a woman. I just feel like a unique person who happens to have a woman’s body. The reason that I am a woman is because I happen to have a woman’s body. I have never been upset about being a woman, and I certainly wouldn’t want to change my body into a man’s body.

I guess what I’m saying is that I have no concept of “feeling like a woman in a woman’s body,” so I certainly don’t know what it would be like to “feel like a man in a woman’s body.” I have no concept of what other women feel like, so that’s why I don’t understand it at all.

Can anyone enlighten me?

 

[EasterJoy]

Not to go further off point, but she isn’t leaving the Church. She isn’t Catholic.

I forget, because we’re here. Sorry about that. Still, Islam seems a paradoxical choice, under the circumstances. There is questioning, but this dear soul is really going through some questioning!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This may be a little off topic, but I wonder if someone could explain in detail what it feels like when you think you’re a man inside a woman’s body. I wish I could be more sympathetic.

Personally, I am a woman. I just feel like a unique person who happens to have a woman’s body. The reason that I am a woman is because I happen to have a woman’s body. I have never been upset about being a woman, and I certainly wouldn’t want to change my body into a man’s body.

I guess what I’m saying is that I have no concept of “feeling like a woman in a woman’s body,” so I certainly don’t know what it would be like to “feel like a man in a woman’s body.” I have no concept of what other women feel like, so that’s why I don’t understand it at all.

Can anyone enlighten me?

I don’t think we can understand. Kouyate42 has stated what her perceptions about her gender are, earlier in this thread and another one. You can search her past posts to see - as much as anyone can really understand. I think she said she feels that she is wearing a “girl” costume and has never identified with being a female. But she never said that she feels like a man, at least I don’t think so. Because how could she know what it would feel like to be a man?

My belief is that there is something else going on, but that society has chosen to interpret that feeling as “you are in the wrong body.” Until the surgical techniques were improved, no one could “change genders,” because it just wasn’t possible. I do not know if people have had that particular feeling throughout history, or whether it’s something we are encouraging people to feel and interpret those feelings. Obviously, no matter what mutilating surgery one has done, one can NEVER change one’s gender. You are forever what God made you, but you can be a messed up version of the other gender.

Sex Change Regret

Read through some of this website and you might get some new info…

 

[Kouyate42]

Hmmm. Let us assume of course that I would very much discourage you from leaving the Church for any reason, from first principles.

Ignoring that, and just being practical: If you are intent on leaving in order to follow Islam, it seems prudent to ask what Islam teaches about the personal issues you are contemplating? My understanding is that Islam strictly forbids transgender living, transvestite dressing, and transexual surgeries, and that the religion is every bit as adamant as ours is on that point.

But this is getting off the point of your original question…

Surely if I was convinced of the truth of ANY religion, then such a sacrifice with regard to my own sexuality would be nothing too much for me to do?

There are plenty of homosexual and transgendered people who choose their religion over their own feelings.

I don’t think we can understand. Kouyate42 has stated what her perceptions about her gender are, earlier in this thread and another one. You can search her past posts to see - as much as anyone can really understand. I think she said she feels that she is wearing a “girl” costume and has never identified with being a female. But she never said that she feels like a man, at least I don’t think so. Because how could she know what it would feel like to be a man?

I consider myself very much male. In real life, many people know me solely by my male name of Philip.

My belief is that there is something else going on, but that society has chosen to interpret that feeling as “you are in the wrong body.” Until the surgical techniques were improved, no one could “change genders,” because it just wasn’t possible. I do not know if people have had that particular feeling throughout history, or whether it’s something we are encouraging people to feel and interpret those feelings. Obviously, no matter what mutilating surgery one has done, one can NEVER change one’s gender. You are forever what God made you, but you can be a messed up version of the other gender.

Actually there is historical evidence of transgender people and even early attempts at gender reassignment. The Roman emperor Elagabalus is noted in history texts of the time as having dressed up as a woman, and even asking doctors about an early form of reassignment surgery to make him a woman permanently.

 

[ringil]

Surely if I was convinced of the truth of ANY religion, then such a sacrifice with regard to my own sexuality would be nothing too much for me to do?

There are plenty of homosexual and transgendered people who choose their religion over their own feelings.

I consider myself very much male. In real life, many people know me solely by my male name of Philip.

Actually there is historical evidence of transgender people and even early attempts at gender reassignment. The Roman emperor Elagabalus is noted in history texts of the time as having dressed up as a woman, and even asking doctors about an early form of reassignment surgery to make him a woman permanently.

Kouyate,

I have enjoyed your posts and, as a a therapist, I really like hearing about folk’s experience with gender issues as I am fairly ignorant of the phenomena, but I have to ask; why would you come to CAF seeking advice on marriage frustration and family issues?

Folks here, largely, do not asknowledge or agree that you have a fundamental gender disorder, or even believe that a gender disorder can truly exist. It’s like they are missing a piece of the pie as it were. With this gap in understanding how can you expect to receive feeldback which is meaningful for your situation. Perhaps seeking support on a gender disorder based forum would be of more help.

It’s just a strange place to seek advice in your liffe, I think. What is it about faithful Catholics that causes you to seek support and advice here?

 

[EasterJoy]

Surely if I was convinced of the truth of ANY religion, then such a sacrifice with regard to my own sexuality would be nothing too much for me to do? There are plenty of homosexual and transgendered people who choose their religion over their own feelings.

I consider myself very much male. In real life, many people know me solely by my male name of Philip.

Actually there is historical evidence of transgender people and even early attempts at gender reassignment. The Roman emperor Elagabalus is noted in history texts of the time as having dressed up as a woman, and even asking doctors about an early form of reassignment surgery to make him a woman permanently.

There is nothing that some rich or influential Roman didn’t try at some time or other, but that doesn’t mean that the followers of Jesus of Nazareth (the forerunners of this forum) would have ever remotely tolerated it, let alone the followers of Mohammed. It sounds, though, as if you’re ready to do whatever you need to do in order to live a fully integrated life, once you discern what the means for you and the larger community you choose. Fair enough.

Back to your original issue: Tell your mom to leave you alone about the matter and to mind her own business. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not give her reasons, because this will invite her to argue with your reasons. You’re an adult. You don’t need reasons to draw boundaries. Rather, you draw them and you insist on them, and you do that knowing that you don’t have to explain them to anybody. Pursue the truth with honesty and courage, and don’t worry yourself about what your mom has to say. Rather, honor her as your mother and listen to her as a fellow adult, keeping what is valuable and discarding the rest without apology.

Understand, though, that she is an adult, too, and you can’t control her. Stop trying. Let her know what social talk you find tolerable, and if she persists in it, then avoid her company. Otherwise, accept that listening to her ignore your boundaries is the price of being in her company, decide that being in her company is worth that price, and make the deliberate decision to pony up. That’s about all you can do.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I forget, because we’re here. Sorry about that. Still, Islam seems a paradoxical choice, under the circumstances. There is questioning, but this dear soul is really going through some questioning!

No worries. Just thought I’d point that out. And, I agree, there is certainly a lot of searching and questioning going on in many areas for Kouyate, judging from this and other threads.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Doesn’t work. I’ve told her a million times with the same result. And when I knock that idea back, her immediate response is ‘well, get yourself a boyfriend then. I don’t care as long as you’re not alone’

Is that like " Put on a sweater, I’m cold"?

 

[SecretaryMonday]

When I was about your age my mom used to obsess about some question, it wasn’t marriage, but it was something else and I forget what it was now. Anyway, my mom is mentally ill so when she obsesses, she really gets into it. I finally had enough and told her, “Mom, if you bring up the topic again, I am walking out of the house and I won’t be back until you can control yourself.” Within 2 seconds she was right back at it so I got up and left.

My dad ran after me as I calmly walked to my car and begged me to come back. I explained to him that I wasn’t abandoning mom but that I was done talking about that topic and needed to have a different type of conversation with her. I wasn’t ANGRY, I was setting a boundary.

I don’t think my dad, nor my mom, ever understood my point, but it did solve the problem. My mom never brought up the topic again.

This is what my dad learned to do with his mother. It worked EXCELLENTLY. I think that she no longer felt she could control the conversation, or the person. She could say whatever she wanted in her own house, but she couldn’t force anybody to stay in the house to listen.

 

[Kouyate42]

Thank you everyone, you’ve been most helpful.

Kouyate,
snip
It’s just a strange place to seek advice in your liffe, I think. What is it about faithful Catholics that causes you to seek support and advice here?

I still hold some belief in the Christian and Catholic church, and I entertain a great hope that I will at some point in all this searching and questioning find God for myself. And if this means I give up my gender identity issues in favor of God, so be it.

Is that like " Put on a sweater, I’m cold"?

Yes.