Mom died.

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reap32

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My mom died on June 13th from dead bowel(small intestine). She started losing weight over the pas year and was having stomach aches so I was concerned. I pretty much forced her to go for a colonscopy and other tests. Everything came back with good results. A week after her colonoscopy she started having bad stomach pains. She called her Gastro dr. and mad an appt. to see him. On that day I was at the hospital with my wife and our 2 day old daughter( I also have a 2 year old). She called me in a panic saying her stomach hurts so much. The dr. said maybe she has a virus and gave her antibiotics and xanax because he said she was very nervous. A week later my wife took her back to the same dr. for the same stomach pains. He gave her a antidepressent. A couple of days later I took her to the ER for stomach pains again. They did a ct scan and say nothing so they sent her home. A week later I took her back to the ER for the same problems. They ended up admittin her and she was there for 17 days. They changed there story so many time from Infectious colitis to diverticulits to c. diff. The whole time there she could never really eat anything without the stomach pain. I kept asking them to perform more tests but they said they did every test she needed. She ended up having very low blood pressure and a fever. On the 16th day her blood pressure was normal so they wanted to release her but she started having a panic attack and said please just one more day. The released her the next day still with stomach pain and not wanting to go home. They assured me and my wife she had c. diff and sent her home with antbiotics. While she was there she never got out of bed and didnt want to walk around because she felt dizzy. The nurses told me and my wife they thought she was pretending to stay in the hospital. i think they were pretty much fed up with and making fun of her. When she came home she threw up the first night. I wanted her to upstairs with me so we could keep an eye on her but I had the newborn and I didnt know what she had so I was scared. She lived downstairs from me anyway so she went down to her apt. The entire 7 days she was home she never left the couch at all. She didn’t even want to walk to the bathroom. She was very weak and tired so I bought her lots of ensure and boost drinks. She ate very little and seemed very depressed. I took her to her regular dr, noth the gastro and he also thought she was depressed and prescribed her a different antidpressent. A couple of days later it was back to the ER again. At this point I was very angry with her. She could never really express herself on how and what she was feeling. She was very hard to read. These doctors ad me thinking it was all in her head, but deep down inside I knew something was not right. Once back at the hospital she was admitted again and treated for the same c. diff. They said it came back. This time I told my mom to tell the doctos she wasnt leaving until she was 110% better. Me and my wife called the patient care coordinator and asked him if theycould run different tests to finally find out why she has this stomach pain and loose stool. We also asked several doctors the same question. They all said they have to treat the c. diff first. A couple of days later my mom calls me at my cousins wedding to tell me she needs surgery. I frantically leave the wedding and arrive at the hospital at midnight. She was very incoherent which i thought was the from the morphin they were giving her for the pain. The surgeon tells me and my wife that he has to do a laparoscopy because he saw something on the ct scan they just performed. He said It was no big deal and she went into surgery. Me and my wife were in the O.R. just before her surgery and I took off her St. Theresa necklace. The nurse asked me If I wanted to say goodbye but My mother seemd too out of it andI thought it was a minor surgery so I didn’t. The last words I heard her say were"I don’t want to do it or I don’t want to go but Know I have to" I can’t remember exactly. This was at 3 in the morning so we waited for an hour but were really tired to whe asked them to call us when she out of surgery and went home. We woke up at 9am with no phone call so my wife called and the surgeon told her shes probably not gonna make it. Needless to say I was floored. We went to the hospital and she was on a respirator. 2 Days later she died. They said her samll bowell died and infected her.

I am 35 and my mom was only 63. My dad died when i was 3 months old. My mom and Iher were very close. When I moved she came with me and lived downstairs from me. We went food shopping and for lunch all the time. I would tease her a lot and yell her her for doing stupid things but that was our relationship. There are a couple things. I never got to say goodbye to her. While she was on the respirator I held her hand I told her I loved her sooo much was sooo sorry I didn’t do more to help her, but she was very sedated I miss her soooo very much it kills me. I feel really guilty for not doing more or taking her to a different doctor or hospital but I trusted these doctors. When she was alive I never told her I love you. When she was sick at home the week before she died and i yell at her and tell her to eat and walk around and stop being depressed. I didn’t know what else to do for her. I don’t understand why she had to die. She told my aunt that she prayed to St. theresa every night. When my aunt asked her pastor wht she didn’y answer her he said she did and took her pain away. What I don’t understand, was i meant for the doctors not to catch what she had in time for her not to die. Was it really her tiime. She was too young to die. Now she’s not going to get to she her 2 grandchildren grow up. I just can’t believe she’s not really here anymore. I cry every day but I still don’t think it hit me yet. Once agian sorry for the rant but I neede an outlet besides my wife. Thanks, Patrick
 
HI Patrick,

I am very sorry for your loss. It is very normal to have all the questions you have at this point in time. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a better son. You did the best you could at the time.

God calls people whenever he wants regarless of how the medical doctors perform. Maybe God knew your mom was in for more pain and He wanted to spare her that (I know that is probably not a consolation).

It will take time, but keep praying to God and the comfort will come. And keep posting here when you need to let it out

CM
 
Once again sorry for the long post. I don’t even know if I posted it in the right forum. I jus have so many things running through my head. I don’t know how I am supposed to move on when my mom is not here. It doesn’t seem fair. I just feel numb most of the time. I want here back so bad it hurts. I hope she is happy and is in heaven. She was a good simple women. I just miss her and I hope she knows how much i really did love her and how sorry I am that I didn’t do more to save her. I was never expecting her to die from a belly ache. I am so sad. I f it wasn’t for my kids I would not have any motivation to do any thing.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be praying for you tonight. Try to keep thinking of how happy your mom is in Heaven.

Unfortunately, I do believe this was a case of medical malpractice. I can’t believe they let it go for so long. 😦 That makes it a lot harder to deal with, I’m sure. 😦
 
God calls people whenever he wants regarless of how the medical doctors perform. Maybe God knew your mom was in for more pain and He wanted to spare her that (I know that is probably not a consolation).
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Thank You Cm . That actually does make sense.
 
Hi Patrick,

I am glad I could help. Loosing a loved one can be devastatign. Keep posting. Sometimes my threads go unanswered (which hurts) but I least I have a chance to let it out.

Know that whatever you feel you are normal. Don’t be impatient with yourself. Take as much time as you need to keep venting. Learn to be honest with yourself and never deny your feelings.
God loves you and He will help you even though half the time you’ll want to scream 'Hey God, I don’t have all day hurry up with that help CM told me you had for me;)
 
She’s at peace, my brother.

Big time prayers your way.
 
Please take heart. Your mother WILL see her grandchildren grow up, and they - in turn will know her through you.
Plus your children will have a powerful advocate praying for them, watching over them and making sure their guardian angels are on the job 24-7 😉

Yes you miss her and wish more could be done. But remember also that She is in a better place, able to intercede for you and your family.

You will see her again.

Peace
James
 
Patrick, I am so very sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. I imagine all of that drama in the weeks before only makes things worse. I am saddened to hear about the failure of doctors to recognize and treat her illness.

I wish I could remember the source of where I heard this (it was a Catholic one), but a dying mother consoled her son by telling him that she will be closer to him after she has died than when she was alive because she will be closer to God and able to intercede for him in a powerful way.

You can tell your Mom you love her now; she will hear that along with your prayers for her intercession.

My prayers for you, your mom and all who love her.
 
Patrick,
You and your family are in my prayers tonight.
The pain and self-flagellation of not being able to so much as kiss your mother good-bye is a horrible load to bear… I know that because I had to tell my Mother “Good-Bye” over the damned telephone… :sad_bye: …but at least I got to hear her respond.

But, Patrick, you’re the patriarch of your family now, taking over the mantle from your mom, the matriarch. Live as if your beloved mother is watching you, because she is. Be the dad you never really had, and pray that your cherished young wife will live up to the example your mom set.

Buddy, thoughts and better words escape me; I just don’t know what else to tell you or say to you, except that I offer you and your budding family my most sincere condolences… :console:
 
Patrick, that was a heart-breaking story, I am so sorry for you, you certainly did put in a lot of effort to help her at the end, and it’s clear you loved her very much. I hope you recover from this mate.
 
Patrick, you did everything you could have done. I understand your pain, the loss is terrible and she was too young to die, but you should have no regrets.

Please, turn to your wife for comfort, she is the main woman in your life and she is there
for you. You are not alone.

I believe the day we die is written on the day we’re born, so I personally don’t think that there’s anything you could have done to prevent her death, we all like to consider ourselves in charge of situations but we’re not.

Because you’re still alive it’s necessary for you to begin to build a new life without your mom, this is possible, your mom did it after your dad passed, so you’ve actually witnessed that people can do it in your own life.

If you are not better in six months then you may want to try grief therapy, but right now your feelings are normal. Bless you, Dear Patrick!
 
Patrick, I am so sorry for your loss. Your feelings and your questions are totally normal, especially in this intense period of new grief. You loved (you love!) your mother, and she knows that now more than ever. Pray for her, and ask her to pray for you.
lovemyboys said:
Unfortunately, I do believe this was a case of medical malpractice. I can’t believe they let it go for so long. 😦 That makes it a lot harder to deal with, I’m sure. 😦
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Please don’t jump to conclusions- we’re not supposed to give medical advice on this forum, anyway. We can’t possibly know whether or not there was malpractice involved in this situation. An infarcted/dead bowel can present and occur very suddenly after a protracted course of illness or infection. There may very well not have been anything more the doctors could have done.
 
I’m sorry about your loss. Of course your mom knew/knows you loved her. Talk is cheap; it is our actions that speak volumes. You showed her how much you loved her by taking care of her until the very end. It is not your fault that the doctors misdiagnosed her all this time. She is in a better place now, but it is natural to miss her and grieve.
 
I am sorry that your mother died. One of my immediate relatives passed away not long ago, so I know how it feels. May God give you peace.
 
I truly feel badly for you reap32, it sounds like the same sort of situation I went through when my mother died in 2008. She is in a better place now, and can intercede for your family’s needs and yours… I know that it is hard to think of someone who has died physically as being in a better place, but God’s love for your mother AND you, is very much a fact. I’m sure that when God asks for an account of what happened in your mother’s case that God may not be pleased with the answer they provide. Take heart in the fact that many of us at CAF care about you and your family reap32, and we want the best for you in your life to come.
I was also dumbfounded by my mothers death, and why the doctor’s refused to admit her to the hospital for surgery sooner, but we can no more blame the hospitals, doctors, nurses or ourselves because we are human, and complications from surgeries do happen, and when God feels that our pain is too great, or our bodies can no longer keep us alive, then we most certainly will be in the journey to see God. It is very hard for the first year or so, but once you can console yourself with the idea that she lived as good a life as possible, prayed to our Lord, and loved you very much as you did her that all is not lost.
Your mother knew and knows your love for her. Pray to her and ask Godto take good care of her soul. You will meet her in Paradise someday. Your mother also is enjoying seeing your children grow, even though she is not here physically she is seeing what is going on spiritually with the Lord at some point here… Pray to God for comfort, and hang in there reap. I will pray a rosary for you today… I also pray to St. Anthony and St Theresa…
God Bless you and provide you with comfort.
Magdelaine1173
 
I’m sorry for your loss and your sorrow… but I am oh so very happy for your mother!

I’m sure it must sound strange, but please understand that my perspective comes from having gotten as close as possible to dying without crossing over, fully conscious, no drugs, no anesthesia. Once you have experienced getting very close to dying yourself, you can’t hardly go to anybody’s funeral without remembering what it was like and actually missing having been there once yourself…and feeling tremendous happiness for those who have crossed over into the bright light of God.

Physicians will tell you that people often pass all their diagnostic tests just fine… then suddenly unexpectedly die from some inexplicable complication, while others whose tests results looked completely hopeless suddenly somehow… lived. A human being can go from appearing healthy to being in critical condition in 5 minutes, and a friend suffered a major heart attack 20 minutes after he had passed all the medical diagnostic tests showing that he wasn’t having heart problems at all, and that it must have been all just in his head! Doctors do what they can, but doctors are not gods. Doctors treat illnesses as best they can in hopes of making people’s lives more comfortable, but life and death and human health are all matters beyond that. It is the way it is.

Experienced nurses will tell you that it is quite possible that your mother may have said to you that she did not want to go but knew she had to. People often know and say such things when they are preparing to cross over.
They will often cross over when family is out of the room or asleep, to make leaving them behind more quiet and peaceful and less traumatic for everyone. Young children and animals also often sense when someone is preparing to cross over or has crossed over.

Although we all say that people die “from” this or that, death is not actually a process of coming “from” anywhere but a process of going “to.” No matter the particular circumstances surrounding it, no matter the age, traumatic suddenness, illness or accident, death truly comes only by invitation and arrangement, and They do not take you until your soul is ready. When a body part completely blows out, the soul is detaching from that part of the body on its way to exit the body, casting it off like an empty shell.

From your perspective, your mother’s stomach/intestines killed her…and you wonder if you could have done anything differently to have saved her…
but from my perspective, the soul that is your mother detached from that part of her body first and with a little difficulty, then the rest followed along until she detached from all of it and crossed over. I know what it is like to actually start to do that.

From witnesses’ viewpoint, death is ugly and frightening. In my case a young nurse in training started to panic horribly: * “What’s she staring at? What’s she staring at? Why isn’t she screaming in pain? She should be screaming in pain…. She hasn’t even had any anesthesia…. Why isn’t she screaming in pain? What’s she staring at?”*
She apparently had not witnessed a death before and was frantically waving her hands in front of my eyes trying to get my body to blink or react to her. She couldn’t understand what it meant that I did not react in the least. The rest of them knew what it meant.

People who are close to crossing over can be very hard to read. It is very hard to express what’s wrong other than pain when the body feels the pain of the initial difficulty of… the soul beginning to separate from it…. but you don’t realize that is what is going on (other than pain) until you’re nearly all the way out of the body and feeling absolutely wonderful and go looking back on your body.

From the point of view of being the one crossing over…wow.
When the Christ said He was “the light of the world” He wasn’t kidding…. He was being absolutely literal.
When the Christ said the Kingdom of God is at hand…. He wasn’t kidding…. It is no farther away from you than your own hand, your own breath.
When the Christ said the Kingdom of God is within you…. He wasn’t kidding. The only thing that blocks people from seeing it is their own consciousness being preoccupied with the earth.
We are all of us continually standing in the presence of God. When you are at death’s door you can see that all quite plainly… it is visible.

The love connection between you and your mother was quite visible to her, not to worry that her body did not react. The body cannot react when the soul is mostly separated from it and the body is left running on autopilot, but the soul sees and hears you quite plainly.
You will see it for yourself someday when it is your time to cross over, everyone eventually does.

Your mother got to go with Them…. I am so happy for her!
I didn’t, you see. I didn’t get to go with Them.
It’s so heavy and cumbersome and tedious to be plunked back in one’s body… painful too…. and one has got to go back to that whole breathing thing again… instead of standing in the beautiful white light of God. Sigh.
I am so happy for your mother…. she got to go with Them.

Oh yes, and not to worry that she won’t see her grandchildren grow up….
Loving heart connections between people are eternal and they are a lot like phone/video connections…. they are very visible beyond this world!
In other words, all the world’s a stage…. and you’re standing on it…
and out there in that beautiful white light, your mother is now out in the audience.
 
My mother died of the exact same thing 19 years ago.
She had a pain in her stomach for a couple months and lost a lot of weight.
One day the pain was intolorable so she called an ambulance. (we lived 2500 miles apart)
24 hours later she was gone.
You have my condolences as well as my empathy.
I pray for the soul of my mother each and every day as I pray for the souls of all my deceased loved ones.
 
I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom last October, she was 94 and had Alzheimer’s. We don’t understand why some people seem to live too long and some certainly don’t live long enough in our eyes.
As a nurse I’ve seen things like this happen. Medicine is not black and white like some things in this world are. I think it would be easier to lose a parent to something that we can see, like cancer, or an accident or even end stage Alzheimer’s.
I hope you find peace, but it takes a while for us to work out our grief and everyone does so a different way and at a different speed. Take your time, pray a lot and let people help you with your grief. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
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