Mom doesn't want to discipline

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pumpkinbeast

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It’s late here, so this will be short. Feel free to question for more details.

I am 18, my younger sisters are 16 and 13. My mom homeschools my sisters. I just got home from my first year at university a week or so ago. I am really disliking being home. My 13yo sister is rude, disrespectful, snarky, and just generally very unpleasent to be around. The 16yo sister is marginally better, but is still disrespectful. My mom is “tired of trying to fight with them.” She loves having me home, because I’m actually nice to her, and I enjoy helping out around the house, whereas it’s akin to pulling teeth to get the other two to do anything. There are no rules that I can see. There are no bedtimes. The 13yo does barely any schoolwork. The 16yo is doing some correspondence courses, and she’s doing alright there, but won’t do the work that my mom has set for her. My mom is busy with her new position in a volunteer organization, I won’t name it. Anyway, I’ve told her I want to help her, but I cannot act as a parent. I don’t have the authority. But I will not and cannot let my sisters bully me, or her when I’m in earshot. This has resulted in some clashes, that I admit could have been handled a bit better on my part. but I receive no back up from my mom what so ever. I am stuck with one or the other screaming at my about something while my mom is busy on the computer or whatever. I don’t know what to do anymore. My dad takes a different stance on disciplining, but he’s not home for very much of the day. He leaves for work at 8am, and doesn’t get back until 6:30-7pm.
What can I do, besides pray??? Is there anything that I can do??? I want to get out of here very badly; I’m praying for a summer job that will let me move out again. 😦
 
At the end of the day SHE is the mother, and you are the sibling, so I’d take a step back and stay out of this. Having said that, it must be very difficult for you…and I can understand the frustration.

If I was talking to your mom, I’d say: send those girls to a normal day-school…Because I can’t imagine them learning much like this!

Anna x
 
None of us can give you optimum advice because we are not as familiar with the situation as we should be to give that advice. But, here goes anyway. It sounds to me like your mother has taken on more than she can handle. If that is the case something has to give. If, in fact, the sisters behave as you say, it is doing them no favors to allow them to act that way. Sounds as if they are allowed to do as they please, and in that case they are in for a rude awakening when they are adults and enter the real world.

Perhaps you could make a time to talk to your father alone and tell them what you have told us. Let him talk to your mom. I know it is tough and much easier to want to take yourself out of the situation. But don’t do anything that will end up hurting you in the long run. If you do find a job that will keep you out of the house for a good part of the day. If you don’t find one, look for volunteer work you can do to help someone else and perhaps other activities that will keep you away for most of the day. And if what they say is annoying, get something with headphones and listen to music or books on tape. That way you might be able to “tune them out”.
 
Well, there is no reason big brother cannot try to lead the girls right. I do not mean only by example, but by talking to them a bit about what a guy would like to see in them. Perhaps if you have some decent friends who could call them on their behavior? I remember once that a guy I* adored* all my life (a virtuous, wonderful Catholic) called me on my big mouth. I had been recently married and didn’t like my MIL very much and I was blasting her. He didn’t even have to say " exiled, don’t talk like that". He simply said, “Geez, I wouldn’t want my girlfriend/wife talking like that about my mother” Well, that shut me up and I’ve never forgotten it.
If you have a friend that they might like/look up to, etc. Perhaps you could get him to help. Have him over and see/hear one/both of your sisters. Then he makes a comment like," Geez, so-and-so, I’d never want to see *my *mother treated like that."
Girls think it looks cool (at that age) to be bratty. Heaven only knows why, I know I did the same. They need to learn how unattractive and lame their behaviour is.
 
anna1978 said:
At the end of the day SHE is the mother, and you are the sibling, so I’d take a step back and stay out of this. Having said that, it must be very difficult for you…and I can understand the frustration.

If I was talking to your mom, I’d say: send those girls to a normal day-school…Because I can’t imagine them learning much like this!

Anna x
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I would love to step back and stay out, but when the insults and rudeness is directed at me and mom isn’t doing anything that I could step back out of, it’s difficult. I don’t want to over-rule her authority or anything. There isn’t any authority to over-rule.
As for sending them back to day school, the schools in our area are not great… the 16yo is considering going back, just for one year before she goes to university. They might both end up going back, I don’t know… It’s not my choice, obviously.
mary_bobo said:
None of us can give you optimum advice because we are not as familiar with the situation as we should be to give that advice. But, here goes anyway. It sounds to me like your mother has taken on more than she can handle. If that is the case something has to give. If, in fact, the sisters behave as you say, it is doing them no favors to allow them to act that way. Sounds as if they are allowed to do as they please, and in that case they are in for a rude awakening when they are adults and enter the real world.

Perhaps you could make a time to talk to your father alone and tell them what you have told us. Let him talk to your mom. I know it is tough and much easier to want to take yourself out of the situation. But don’t do anything that will end up hurting you in the long run. If you do find a job that will keep you out of the house for a good part of the day. If you don’t find one, look for volunteer work you can do to help someone else and perhaps other activities that will keep you away for most of the day. And if what they say is annoying, get something with headphones and listen to music or books on tape. That way you might be able to “tune them out”.
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Mom has definitely taken on more than she can handle. She’s that kind of person. I’ve offered to help her around the house, as I like to do that sort of thing, but I have a bad knee, and it was acting up recently. Now I’m on anti-inflammatories, so hopefully I’ll be able to do more again. Talking to my dad is a good idea, as well as volunteer work. Hmm, I have an iPod… 😃
exiled said:
Well, there is no reason big brother cannot try to lead the girls right. I do not mean only by example, but by talking to them a bit about what a guy would like to see in them. Perhaps if you have some decent friends who could call them on their behavior? I remember once that a guy I* adored* all my life (a virtuous, wonderful Catholic) called me on my big mouth. I had been recently married and didn’t like my MIL very much and I was blasting her. He didn’t even have to say " exiled, don’t talk like that". He simply said, “Geez, I wouldn’t want my girlfriend/wife talking like that about my mother” Well, that shut me up and I’ve never forgotten it.
If you have a friend that they might like/look up to, etc. Perhaps you could get him to help. Have him over and see/hear one/both of your sisters. Then he makes a comment like," Geez, so-and-so, I’d never want to see *my *mother treated like that."
Girls think it looks cool (at that age) to be bratty. Heaven only knows why, I know I did the same. They need to learn how unattractive and lame their behaviour is.
Click to expand...
My very decent boyfriend lives quite a distance away from us; other than that, all my decent guy-friends have gone home for the summer, and are even further away than my boyfriend is… a good idea, though. Unfortunately, the poor guy would probably be blasted if he spoke up, but it might make them think later.
 
**I have been in a similar situation with my mom and younger sister. As the sister, we really don’t have any power. It took me years to figure that one out:rolleyes:.

But you do not have to put up with anyone treating you badly. You have to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries. For example, when my sister started in on me with attitude when i was going to drive her somewhere I told her that she could either shape up or get out. Was she mad? Oh yeah! But she got the message. She didn’t pull that again.

And when my mom starts in complaining about how my sis treats her I stop her and ask her if she really wants my advice, lol. Most of the time she doesn’t so I just ask her to stop telling me because it’s tainting my relationship with my sister.

My thoughts aren’t clear right now and I really thought I’d have better advice, lol…sorry:o

malia**
 
I can really, really sympathize with you! I am almost 24. My siblings are 19 and 15 years old. (Eventhough the 19yo is legally an adult, she is still very childlike) My parents and siblings moved 4 hours away and since the move my brother and sister have really changed. They are moody, argumentative, and downright rude! My 15yo brother just announced he is dropping out of school as soon as his b-day rolls around. My mom said whatever, she is tired of trying to make him do stuff. My mom even told me once that she wishes my bro and sis were more like me and maybe she should have stopped having kids after me because they are such brats! :eek:

It is really hard. More so for you. At least I don’t have to live with them. Pray for them. Also, I try my best to be a good example. I know it is sooo hard when they are being brats toward you. When I go visit my family, I always make it a point to take my siblings out at least for a meal or coffee or something just us. When my parents aren’t around, they do act more like human beings. Hopefully one day they will grow up.

Also, if you feel you can, talk to your dad. My dad doesn’t live with my family during the week. He has an apartment here because he still works here and then goes home only on the weekends. I am still working up the nerve to talk to my dad about all of the stuff that is happening when he isn’t around.

Let’s pray for eachother in this mess, okay?
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**I have been in a similar situation with my mom and younger sister. As the sister, we really don’t have any power. It took me years to figure that one out:rolleyes:.

But you do not have to put up with anyone treating you badly. You have to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries. For example, when my sister started in on me with attitude when i was going to drive her somewhere I told her that she could either shape up or get out. Was she mad? Oh yeah! But she got the message. She didn’t pull that again.

And when my mom starts in complaining about how my sis treats her I stop her and ask her if she really wants my advice, lol. Most of the time she doesn’t so I just ask her to stop telling me because it’s tainting my relationship with my sister.

My thoughts aren’t clear right now and I really thought I’d have better advice, lol…sorry:o

malia**
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👍 Malia gives great advice for the long run of this problem. Your mom is also finding some pleasure in this disfunction if she isn’t stopping it. Don’t allow her to tell you anything. The minute you stop her from telling you is the minute you start to grow and provide a good example (I did this to my step-mom when she’d complain to me about my dad and well, no more complaints and I am now starting to respect both of them again).
 
The only thing that concerns me is the 13yo and her lack of doing school work. In the US be it public, private or homeschool truancy is a crime. If a governing body were to find this out (again from a US perspective) 13yo could be taken from home and mom jailed on truancy and educational neglect clauses. I’ve seen it happen in the US sometimes valadly (parent’s weren’t homeschooling) or invaladly (kid was very sick and government blamed homschooling on lack of education, not illness) and its really scarry. You might look into canadian educational laws so your family isn’t torn apart by these actions.

On the other hand remember they are teenage girls. I’m sure you had your bad times where you weren’t any fun to be around as a teen and it wasn’t magnified by an older “more mature” sibiling to point out your failings. They are immature becuase they aren’t adults yet, on the other hand you are. Its a new family dynamic. First summer during Uni is where many people find their true maturity and drive that gets them through until their degree, their new place in society, the family, everything. You’ll learn more about yourself in this and hopefully draw some good boundaries.
 
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