Mom has come to hate the choices I've made how can I get her to support me in my choices

[confusedgirl]

Yesterday my mom was asking me when I am going to apply to nursing school. I’ve been saying nursing school isn’t where I want to go but I don’t think she believed that I was seriously not considering nursing. So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.

I got back home yesterday and she asked when I have to send my application to the local college and I told her I didn’t want to go to that college anymore. She asked where I was going and I hinted that I’m going back west because that’s where my entire life was and still is. She asked why I was trying to leave and I told her that staying here would mean I wouldn’t get to make any choices in my future and I’d have to pursue a career I don’t really want as opposed to a career I dream of having. My mom and I fight a lot too and I also said it would be better if I left so there wouldn’t be much drama between us since we often don’t get along. Part of the reason I ended up in this college course right now is because I was never given a chance to choose what I want to do and basically my mom forced me to apply to nursing. When I didn’t get in because the program was so competitive I had a shock period for a while and my mom blamed me because my grades were so low.

At this point my mom was accusing me by saying how I think she’s nasty, evil, a monster and said I’m selfish and I don’t care about my family and that’s why I’m leaving. She doesn’t get that I really am not leaving because I despise her. I promise that is not my intent. I have lived this sheltered life for so long where my mom would make all my choices for me. I didn’t tell my mom all my plans because I don’t want her to think I’m plotting against. She tells people all the time that she has to make all my choices in the world because I’m naive and I cant do anything but that isnt true I’ve never been able to choose what I wanted to do ever. I am a simple girl who doesn’t want expensive things, or to drive a fancy car, I just want to be able to do something that makes me happy and choose to do.

Now I’m not saying my mom is wrong for wanting me to have a comfortable life. If I had a child I would want them to become doctors and live stable lives like many parents would. But i would want them to be happy first my mom is all about money rather than pursuing passion and thats what i dont want. There are choices like RCIA that i made for this year and my mom made take on her beliefs. I feel that Im being made into something mymom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?

 

[1ke]

It is a shame that the adult in the relationship is acting like a child and vice versa. It is wrong of your parent to attempt to force you into a vocational area you are not interested in and to make other “choices” for you.

You are making the right decision of putting space between you and heading out on your own as an adult.

Where is your father in this?

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Your mum sounds a bit manipulative and prone to micro-management. Just respectfully disagree, do what you want regarding your career and hopefully once she sees it’s working out she will relax.

 

[Allegra]

You may have to accept that you’ve got one of THOSE mothers. I’ve got one too. You may have to carry on without her support. A mom’s support is nice, but it isn’t a prerequisite for success. Just keep saying, “I’ve got this,” even if it’s just in your head. If your mom tries to start up on you, just tell her you’ve got it under control and change the subject.

 

[Loving_disciple]

You are an adult now you should shape yourself or better yet let God shape you

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

How can I make this easier for the both of us?

Well, I don’t think you can make this easier for her, but you should do all you can to live your life without her controlling you. Be prepared for fights and manipulation, for mind games and emotional blackmail. With time it will get easier for you, as you grow in confidence and self respect. Your mother may or may not learn to respect you as an individual, as a human being. But her behaviour should not stall your growth.

God bless.

 

[acadiANNA]

Your mom wants the best for you, though she is not expressing it constructively. Your mom is not listening to you and hearing what you have to say. Parents can plan for their children but they cannot live their lives for them. You have to become responsible for where your own interests in a career are leading you. If you do what your mom wants out of obedience to her, you will find yourself in a job you will not like and always say --my mom made me do it. Your mom cannot live your life for you. Follow your own dreams. My mother had a different idea for me. I never stopped respecting her. I never stopped loving her. Ultimately, I went my own way. Though things were rocky and I had to leave home, our relationship never waivered. I am glad that you were honest with her about your choices. In time, she will be more accepting. I will pray for her and for you. God bless.

 

[ClearWater]

You’ve asked how to get your mother to accept you, your choices and decisions. It’s been my experience that people like this can change but almost never do.

If I had that situation, I’d be trying to make my own decisions as well and leave, as well! She seems to be trying to control you, also, through guilt. However, I’ve been told that guilt only works…if we let it. If we refuse to feel guilty, it looses its power.

Surely, in all these years where this has been going on, you must have told her you’d like to make your own decisions now that you’re adult. You’ve probably told her time and again, but she’s refused to listen.

She’s overstepping a number of boundaries, wants to keep you near her, but her behavior is actually doing the exact opposite, pushing you away.

It’s as if she isn’t not willing to adult you’ve grown up!

It’ll be a difficult phase, that which comes next. If you are arguing now, expect it to only escalate as you begin to move farther and farther away from her. She will probably try even harder with the guilt and all the rest. So, don’t be surprised if your last time there is full of conflict and fighting. In fact, be surprised if it weren’t!

 

[robwar]

Yesterday my mom was asking me when I am going to apply to nursing school. I’ve been saying nursing school isn’t where I want to go but I don’t think she believed that I was seriously not considering nursing. So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.

I got back home yesterday and she asked when I have to send my application to the local college and I told her I didn’t want to go to that college anymore. She asked where I was going and I hinted that I’m going back west because that’s where my entire life was and still is. She asked why I was trying to leave and I told her that staying here would mean I wouldn’t get to make any choices in my future and I’d have to pursue a career I don’t really want as opposed to a career I dream of having. My mom and I fight a lot too and I also said it would be better if I left so there wouldn’t be much drama between us since we often don’t get along. Part of the reason I ended up in this college course right now is because I was never given a chance to choose what I want to do and basically my mom forced me to apply to nursing. When I didn’t get in because the program was so competitive I had a shock period for a while and my mom blamed me because my grades were so low.

At this point my mom was accusing me by saying how I think she’s nasty, evil, a monster and said I’m selfish and I don’t care about my family and that’s why I’m leaving. She doesn’t get that I really am not leaving because I despise her. I promise that is not my intent. I have lived this sheltered life for so long where my mom would make all my choices for me. I didn’t tell my mom all my plans because I don’t want her to think I’m plotting against. She tells people all the time that she has to make all my choices in the world because I’m naive and I cant do anything but that isnt true I’ve never been able to choose what I wanted to do ever. I am a simple girl who doesn’t want expensive things, or to drive a fancy car, I just want to be able to do something that makes me happy and choose to do.

Now I’m not saying my mom is wrong for wanting me to have a comfortable life. If I had a child I would want them to become doctors and live stable lives like many parents would. But i would want them to be happy first my mom is all about money rather than pursuing passion and thats what i dont want. There are choices like RCIA that i made for this year and my mom made take on her beliefs. I feel that Im being made into something mymom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?

It isn’t easy to judge the whole relationship over the internet and on one post. If you are able to support yourself and live on your own then you probably should do so. If they are paying for your education for you then that probably does give them a say in what you want to go into if lets say it is nursing which has job openings over lets say molecular biology which is rather vague area of study. If they are footing the education bill, I would imagine that your mother wants to see you be able to have a practical job after spending the money to do so. Now maybe nursing is not the right career for you but If your interests and abilities are in the science area, I would probably show your mom what jobs are there in the areas you desire to study and go into. Secondary education is expensive to fund if you are not either getting a loan or a scholarship and I think that your mom probably doesn’t want to spend money on something where you are not able to find work to support yourself afterwards. Yes, one should have a passion for what you want to study but you need to balance that with what you will find a job in afterwards that is reasonable. I think the problems between you and your mother go deeper and longer than this one post.

 

[Corki]

I am going to approach this a little differently. I am guessing you are a senior in high school and facing application deadlines of the next few months for college. But it doesn’t sound like you have been having any real conversations with your mom about how to make the choices. I have teen boys, one is already in college. If I found out last November that his plans had changed about where he wanted to attend college and that he no longer wanted to attend close to home, I would have been a little crazed too. These are conversations you and your parents should have been having for months now.

Also, there are a lot of “I” statements in your first post. You seem to be quite independent and focused. That’s a good thing. Are you also financially independent when it comes to college? If you, like most people your age, are going to need family support to attend college, you should approach your college decisions as family ones. Don’t make it a choice between your way and her way. Look for compromises.

For example, in Texas students interested in nursing can’t apply to nursing school until their sophomore year in college. The first two years, they take basic course - courses that would overlap with, for example, someone pursuing a biology major. That’s a compromise. There are also hard science majors that are more geared toward a career instead of just research.

There’s nothing wrong with your parents expecting you to have a plan and to work the plan out with their involvement. There is also nothing wrong with her expecting you to tie your chosen major into a desired career field. College is too expensive these days to see it as four years of “finding yourself”.

 

[Peccatorusticis]

The response to your post has a lot to do with your age. if you’re still a teenager and living at home that’s one thing.
My ex-wife is in her 40s and lives about 1,500 miles from her mother. her mother still tells her how to live her life and the lives of our children (including leaving me).
You see it’s a matter of age and distance.

 

[RoseMary131]

Yesterday my mom was asking me when I am going to apply to nursing school. I’ve been saying nursing school isn’t where I want to go but I don’t think she believed that I was seriously not considering nursing. So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.

Your mother most likely has not understood that her role as mother changes as children grow and become independent. Each age of the children brings a new role of where mom fits in the child’s life. Her role today is not to tell an adult daughter what she should do in studies or career.

(From another post, I see you most likely are a high school senior, which may be why your mother’s role seems to be of a mother of a teen and not an independent adult. You both may be having trouble learning where to “stand” in this new point of changes in your life - not a child and not ready to be an independent adult.)

You two need to decide what this means. Is it acceptable to both of you to hear her opinion of the job market and the pay of specific jobs? Can she express her opinion without believing you “must” follow her opinion? Are you allowed to express your opinions and follow your choices? If you can’t be in agreement on those type questions, you may need to refrain from those conversations.

I got back home yesterday and she asked when I have to send my application …where I was going …why I was trying to leave

There can be a difference in being curious or caring and want to know so as to “manipulate”. Some of her questions seem to be to manipulate or shame you to accept her “desires” for you.

My mom and I fight a lot …I was never given a chance to choose what I want to do … forced me to apply to nursing. …blamed me because my grades were so low.

She has issues of understanding where her boundaries are and where she is stepping into your boundaries. Blaming is a way to shame the other person.

mom was accusing me by saying how I think she’s nasty, evil, a monster and said I’m selfish and I don’t care about my family and that’s why I’m leaving.

If this is how she expresses herself to you, she is trying to shame you into doing what she wants. To prove her wrong, she wants you to say you’ll stay because you are a good daughter. You do not need to accept her manipulation.

She tells people all the time that she has to make all my choices in the world because I’m naive and I cant do anything

This is how she justifies to herself and tries to justify to others that she is right.

I feel that Im being made into something my mom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?

You and your mother need to come to an agreement about what is your choice and what is her opinion.

Depending on if she is providing you money for school, housing, health insurance, car insurance, transportation etc., will make a difference for what you are responsible for with her.

If you depend on her for these things and she chooses not to pay for it at another school, you are responsible for figuring your financial needs. You do not have to be forced to follow her opinion, simply to have her money.

She likely will continue to have strong opinions that she wants you to follow. You want to learn how to handle them politely, then leave the conversation.

You may see if your school has a counselor who can guide you in how to not let your mother’s loss of boundaries affect you. You can’t change her. While there is a possibility she may want to learn to change and begin to understand that her daughter is an adult.

You also have the right to change your mind in choice of college, degree, and career without hearing her belittle or shame you or boost her own ego.

As this may be a life long problem for you to deal with, you may want to learn how to avoid negative effects on you - this might be through a counselor / therapist or self help books like, When to Say Yes and How to Say No, to Take Control of you Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You may be able to get this book or book on CD at the local public library.

May God bless you in this journey of your studies and your career path. May you learn to remain in a state of peace even when your mother brings you irritation.

 

[3DOCTORS]

The response to your post has a lot to do with your age. if you’re still a teenager and living at home that’s one thing.
My ex-wife is in her 40s and lives about 1,500 miles from her mother. her mother still tells her how to live her life and the lives of our children (including leaving me).
You see it’s a matter of age and distance.

Yes, and if you’ve got the guts to leave now, it might be better to go for it (ask the Lord in prayer about it to be sure).

It only gets more difficult the older you get. I had one of those moms, may she rest in peace. It was difficult. I compromised, then I’d try to push back, there’d be drama, I’d end up all confused and depressed.

If you do leave, try to convey respect and love and that you hope you and she can adjust and have a happier relationship over time. She may adjust better if you don’t let years and years of her getting her way spoil her.

Every situation’s different - it all comes down to how great the inner fears of the control freak personality are. One epiphany I had years ago about my mom (and my dad too) was to ask God Himself to calm their fears. Because otherwise I was taking on a superhuman task - those fears were so deeply ingrained. And they were causing my own anxieties to breed like flies.

 

[robwar]

The one concern I always have about relationship questions on the internet is that we only have one side of the story and the poster can either leave out key details or paint the picture of the other person to make them look really bad. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. My oldest is attending a community college, first year. He wanted to go away but my husband and I knew that that wasn’t possible and would not be successful for him and since we were paying for it, had him enroll at the local community college. Now, he could get on something like CAF and paint a picture similar to here to where my parents are controlling me , not letting me leave etc and so on. There is a balance when a parent is footing the college bill and knows that to go through all of that expense, it is wise to encourage your child to seek out something that is practical and has job openings. If OP is good at science then it is perfectly reasonable to encourage her to seek out something like nursing which always has openings. That doesn’t mean that is the right career for her but is may an option. But it appears that the relationship is not good between the two and we have a one sided picture here which make the mother look like a manipulative witch and too many posters are jumping on that bang wagon.

 

[Cricket2]

Yesterday my mom was asking me when I am going to apply to nursing school. I’ve been saying nursing school isn’t where I want to go but I don’t think she believed that I was seriously not considering nursing. So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.

I got back home yesterday and she asked when I have to send my application to the local college and I told her I didn’t want to go to that college anymore. She asked where I was going and I hinted that I’m going back west because that’s where my entire life was and still is. She asked why I was trying to leave and I told her that staying here would mean I wouldn’t get to make any choices in my future and I’d have to pursue a career I don’t really want as opposed to a career I dream of having. My mom and I fight a lot too and I also said it would be better if I left so there wouldn’t be much drama between us since we often don’t get along. Part of the reason I ended up in this college course right now is because I was never given a chance to choose what I want to do and basically my mom forced me to apply to nursing. When I didn’t get in because the program was so competitive I had a shock period for a while and my mom blamed me because my grades were so low.

At this point my mom was accusing me by saying how I think she’s nasty, evil, a monster and said I’m selfish and I don’t care about my family and that’s why I’m leaving. She doesn’t get that I really am not leaving because I despise her. I promise that is not my intent. I have lived this sheltered life for so long where my mom would make all my choices for me. I didn’t tell my mom all my plans because I don’t want her to think I’m plotting against. She tells people all the time that she has to make all my choices in the world because I’m naive and I cant do anything but that isnt true I’ve never been able to choose what I wanted to do ever. I am a simple girl who doesn’t want expensive things, or to drive a fancy car, I just want to be able to do something that makes me happy and choose to do.

Now I’m not saying my mom is wrong for wanting me to have a comfortable life. If I had a child I would want them to become doctors and live stable lives like many parents would. But i would want them to be happy first my mom is all about money rather than pursuing passion and thats what i dont want. There are choices like RCIA that i made for this year and my mom made take on her beliefs. I feel that Im being made into something mymom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?

This will never be easy. Been through the same thing in many ways.

I think that your mom is scared and thus the anger and accusations. You might simply tell her you know is scares her to have you leave and that you understand her fears for your future. Then say no more. Stick to you choice to leave and pursue the career you are interested in.

It will take time, but you will have a greater chance of success and down the road your mother will see you are happy. (I would hope.) A parents job is not to determine their child’s future, only to prepare them for the moral, intellectual and physical challenges that will come their way. When you get to your desired destination seek out a counselor so you have someone to talk too right away. If mom has been to protective and made too many decisions for you in the past you may struggle with doing well on this on your own. Someone who can be objective and listen to you, be your sounding board is essential to your success.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Yesterday my mom was asking me when I am going to apply to nursing school. I’ve been saying nursing school isn’t where I want to go but I don’t think she believed that I was seriously not considering nursing. So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.

I got back home yesterday and she asked when I have to send my application to the local college and I told her I didn’t want to go to that college anymore. She asked where I was going and I hinted that I’m going back west because that’s where my entire life was and still is. She asked why I was trying to leave and I told her that staying here would mean I wouldn’t get to make any choices in my future and I’d have to pursue a career I don’t really want as opposed to a career I dream of having. My mom and I fight a lot too and I also said it would be better if I left so there wouldn’t be much drama between us since we often don’t get along. Part of the reason I ended up in this college course right now is because I was never given a chance to choose what I want to do and basically my mom forced me to apply to nursing. When I didn’t get in because the program was so competitive I had a shock period for a while and my mom blamed me because my grades were so low.

At this point my mom was accusing me by saying how I think she’s nasty, evil, a monster and said I’m selfish and I don’t care about my family and that’s why I’m leaving. She doesn’t get that I really am not leaving because I despise her. I promise that is not my intent. I have lived this sheltered life for so long where my mom would make all my choices for me. I didn’t tell my mom all my plans because I don’t want her to think I’m plotting against. She tells people all the time that she has to make all my choices in the world because I’m naive and I cant do anything but that isnt true I’ve never been able to choose what I wanted to do ever. I am a simple girl who doesn’t want expensive things, or to drive a fancy car, I just want to be able to do something that makes me happy and choose to do.

Now I’m not saying my mom is wrong for wanting me to have a comfortable life. If I had a child I would want them to become doctors and live stable lives like many parents would. But i would want them to be happy first my mom is all about money rather than pursuing passion and thats what i dont want. There are choices like RCIA that i made for this year and my mom made take on her beliefs. I feel that Im being made into something mymom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?

First of all, if you are in living in the USA, being a nurse or doctor could start to have diminishing returns very soon with that new health care law, and fiery discussion is occurring elsewhere on this forum.

Old-fashioned parents need to wake up to the changing reality.

Secondly, I think it’s good you are getting off your own. Living at home once you are done with high school and into your 20s gets to be difficult. You may even find that your relationship with your Mom will improve once you are out.

Third, your career choice will be for the next 55-60 years for our generation. You need to find something that you enjoy doing, and believe me, you’re not doing anyone any favors if you are in the medical profession and don’t really want to be there.

 

[confusedgirl]

I pay for most of my college expensive ie. Books, fees, insurance and the rest is by student loans. My mom actually only put my tuition on her credit card this semester because I hadn’t gotten my loans as yet. I do work and I’ve been saving up for next year already.

Dad has pretty much disowned me because he and mom don’t get along too well and he wants nothing to do with me or my brother so I can’t go to him either

 

[confusedgirl]

I am going to approach this a little differently. I am guessing you are a senior in high school and facing application deadlines of the next few months for college. But it doesn’t sound like you have been having any real conversations with your mom about how to make the choices. I have teen boys, one is already in college. If I found out last November that his plans had changed about where he wanted to attend college and that he no longer wanted to attend close to home, I would have been a little crazed too. These are conversations you and your parents should have been having for months now.

Also, there are a lot of “I” statements in your first post. You seem to be quite independent and focused. That’s a good thing. Are you also financially independent when it comes to college? If you, like most people your age, are going to need family support to attend college, you should approach your college decisions as family ones. Don’t make it a choice between your way and her way. Look for compromises.

For example, in Texas students interested in nursing can’t apply to nursing school until their sophomore year in college. The first two years, they take basic course - courses that would overlap with, for example, someone pursuing a biology major. That’s a compromise. There are also hard science majors that are more geared toward a career instead of just research.

There’s nothing wrong with your parents expecting you to have a plan and to work the plan out with their involvement. There is also nothing wrong with her expecting you to tie your chosen major into a desired career field. College is too expensive these days to see it as four years of “finding yourself”.

I actually am in college right now and thats how it works in western Canada at least where I’m from but my mom said that it was pointless for me to pursue nursing that way. I really did research with nursing and the way she wants me to go about it will set me up for failure again. I prefer to work in a lab doing much independent work as opposed to doing social interaction with patients. My mom is a nurse and a very social person who excels in anatomy but doesnt understand chemistry or math. Im the opposite where im shy and prefer to do mdore independent work dont really understand anatomy but excel in chemistry and math.

 

[Cricket2]

I pay for most of my college expensive ie. Books, fees, insurance and the rest is by student loans. My mom actually only put my tuition on her credit card this semester because I hadn’t gotten my loans as yet. I do work and I’ve been saving up for next year already.

Dad has pretty much disowned me because he and mom don’t get along too well and he wants nothing to do with me or my brother so I can’t go to him either

I am sorry to hear of this aspect of your families situation. You and your brother should seek some counseling just for this alone. We all have to leave home, but we also find it more difficult than we imagined it to be. This is why I suggested that when you do leave for the school you want to attend, seek out a counselor immediately. Not just an academic counselor, but one that can speak to you and with you about your family situation and your own concerns as you venture on your own.

Of course this is only a suggestion, but give being totally on your own a good two year try. (ie. no romantic involvements). You will have a chance to learn about yourself that way, discover your own faults and strengths, develop your own means of coping and not be as subject to outside influences. I guess what I am suggesting is discover and make sure you have developed a strong emotional ability to make your own choices. If mom has been too overpowering in this regard all these years you may find yourself a little over-reliant on others too make choices or get approval.

Remember God loves you, and that you are capable of doing this with His help.

As a past Biology and science major keep this in mind: If your bio or chem class, or physics class is a 5 credit hour or 3 credit hour course you will need to study no less than that many hours per day to get an A. So; 5credit class for lecture = 5 hours of study per day, then add extra time for the labs. It is a tough major but very, very interesting.

Some people can study less, but not many. Most students that I have tutored have had trouble because of study techniques and not studying enough hours. Let your studies become your “social life” for now…the fun stuff can wait a little. (Been there done it.)

 

[Xantippe]

confusedgirl wrote:

“So when I told her that I want to do things like diagnostics and get my degree in molecular biology and told me how there was no future for me in that and definitely no money either.”

If you’re really good, that probably isn’t true.

“She asked why I was trying to leave and I told her that staying here would mean I wouldn’t get to make any choices in my future and I’d have to pursue a career I don’t really want as opposed to a career I dream of having.”

Does your current province really have nothing for you? Do you have to go back west for school? I’m not saying that you should stay where you are, but it seems very unlikely that it is impossible to study molecular biology in your current province. It seems like the personal issues (you want to go away) and the academic issues (you want to study molecular biology) are somewhat different.

“When I didn’t get in because the program was so competitive I had a shock period for a while and my mom blamed me because my grades were so low.”

If your grades were that low, you aren’t going to be able to succeed in molecular biology, either. Focus on school.

“I am a simple girl who doesn’t want expensive things, or to drive a fancy car, I just want to be able to do something that makes me happy and choose to do.”

You’re going to find that even basic food, shelter, utilities, clothing and transportation and loan repayment are fairly expensive, once you are paying for all of it yourself.

“There are choices like RCIA that i made for this year and my mom made take on her beliefs. I feel that Im being made into something mymom wants rather than who I want to be. How can I make this easier for the both of us?”

You achieve independence as soon as possible and start supporting yourself. Once your mom sees that your plan is working and you are financially independent, some of this will subside. Not all of it, but some. If she persists in regretting your career choices, you can tell her, “That’s your dream, mom, not mine.”