Mom trouble

[MarieB]

I would appreciate guidance. I am middle-aged and come from a dysfunctional family with my childhood home filled with alcoholism, neglect, emotional abuse and harsh corporal punishment. My mother is still living and I have siblings. My mother lives a few hours away. I have forgiven my parents and I have spoken with my mother to try to have some closure and peace. She denies everything negative even though my siblings have verified our experience with each other.

I treat my mother respectfully. I call my mother weekly, but it must be me who initiates the phone call. There are no economic reasons for this. If I miss the weekly call by a couple of days she will lay a guilt trip on me. There is a silent rule that we don’t talk about anything unpleasant that would make her feel uncomfortable or responsible. She speaks very critically of others but I’ve quelled that in our conversations by not participating. I must be very careful as to what I say because it is used against me and she will talk negatively about me to my siblings and others. In order to keep our relationship going our conversations are utterly bland.

As an adult, my mother has never been there for me to offer any support. Financial help has never been an option and I have never expected it. Sadly, emotional support is lacking too. In recent years my husband was fired from his job and I had a miscarriage. I told her about these things but never received a call from her to ask how we were doing.

Even with all of this, I love her include her in all the big celebrations. This is a challenge because in addition to everything else, she regularly wanders off and requires being found. There is no medical reason for the behavior. One scary experience was when she left us at the Mall in Washington, DC. I’ve addressed these “wanderings” with her a few times and her reply is, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” This robs everyone of enjoying an event as we search for her.

Logic leads me to the conclusion that there are consequences for her actions and that her behavior prevents me from being able to invite her to more gatherings. My heart is more troubled that I can tell. Reason tells me that I must look to my own family and do right by them. To be the good mother that I did not have. The only thing that troubles me is, am I alright with God? Would God have me continuously step in front of the bus and be run over or would he have me be courageous and stand my ground?

Please send me your thoughts.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can set boundaries that require your mother to treat you in a polite way. For instance, you can tell her that if she chooses to leave a family gathering, that is up to her, but if she takes off again without telling anyone, you’ll not be inviting her to any more. That isn’t just for your convenience, but also for her safety.

You can decide how often to call her. You can expect her to abide by the rules of normal conversation and to accept the kind of corrections that a normal person would expect to hear when they cross the lines of acceptable behavior. These are all OK.

You can also refuse to accept the “silent rule” any more. An abuser does not have the right to expect that no one will ever talk about offenses that were never admitted to, let alone repented from. If she doesn’t like hearing about it, she can choose not to talk to you.

Your responsibility for your mother includes caring for her in her old age as your ability allows and as she will consent to be cared for. You ought to give her the respect due to her because she is your mother, but that does not mean pretending that she is the sort of mother she never was in actual fact. It does not mean giving her carte blanche to misbehave or abuse anyone in your presence, including you.

Will God sometimes ask us to accept martyrdom in order to remain faithful? Yes. Not every kind of suffering is a martyrdom, though. Sometimes, it is just the consequences of not knowing better than to throw pearls before swine. Jesus didn’t stand still to be stoned every time that the crowd took up rocks to stone him. He accepted his condemnation from those who were misusing an actual authority to do it. Your mother does not have that authority over you. You might sacrifice yourself to protect her. If you can walk away from her tries at stoning you, though, go ahead and do it.

 

[PaulinVA]

Well, close the thread.

Easter Joy said it all.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Marie,

Sorry you are going through this. I am not trying to be mean, but has your mother been diagnosed with some forum of mental illness, or if she was the drinker it could have cause damage also. It may take a call to your local Adult Protective Agency – even if it is just for an evaluation.

As you say you cannot keep jumping in front of the bus. You have your children to take care of and show them how a Mother is to love and care for her children. The way your mother treats you is not the example you want them to see and think that is how things should be.

I pray that God will grant you peace and strength.

Winter

 

[EasterJoy]

Marie,

Sorry you are going through this. I am not trying to be mean, but has your mother been diagnosed with some forum of mental illness, or if she was the drinker it could have cause damage also. It may take a call to your local Adult Protective Agency – even if it is just for an evaluation.

As you say you cannot keep jumping in front of the bus. You have your children to take care of and show them how a Mother is to love and care for her children. The way your mother treats you is not the example you want them to see and think that is how things should be.

I pray that God will grant you peace and strength.

Winter

You are right about the OP’s responsibility to care for her own children, but let’s just be entirely clear about what I think you are saying: the OP would not have to stand for any of the mistreatment coming from her mother if she were unmarried and had no children. She would not have to silently accept her mother’s refusal to accept her responsibility to apologize for her offenses and to make the amends that are still possible. She would not have to accept abuse from a mentally ill parent because the parent lacks the capacity for a non-abusive relationship with her own child. She would not have to offer her mother care personally when she could see to it that someone else took care of it, someone who could do it without suffering the same emotional damage by doing it that the adult child might suffer. The Fourth Commandment does not condemn an abused child to suffer a lifetime of parental abuse, nor to return to an abusive parent in order to suffer more relational abuse as an adult because an adult is better-equipped to “take it.” No one should ever be told that.

I do not mean that you were saying anything remotely like that. I mean to say to the unmarried child of an abusive parent who might also be reading this thread: You do not need to have children as a reason to refuse further abuse. You did not deserve abuse as a child, and you do not deserve it now. It is OK to keep yourself safe from any abuser, even a parent, just as it is OK to not throw pearls before swine who will only trample the pearls and turn and tear you up. If anyone is abusing you, get help, get away, and find support to recover from the evil aimed at you, but especially if it came from someone who ought to love you.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Easter,

You are correct that no one should have to deal with abuse of any kind – married / single / man / woman / kids / or none.

But sometimes we can sometimes feel guilt if we do not care for our parents – even abusive ones. And every situation is different, and as such my view that OP needs to be an example for her children on how a loving parent should be.

If the OP was single I would advise them that they also do not need to accept the abuse, that there may be someone out there that will love them for who they are, and be supportive of them. Or if they choose to remain single then they do not need someone trying to destroy their self-esteem, which they also deserve to be happy.

May God also continue to grant you peace and happiness.

Winter.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Even with all of this, I love her include her in all the big celebrations. This is a challenge because in addition to everything else, she regularly wanders off and requires being found. There is no medical reason for the behavior. One scary experience was when she left us at the Mall in Washington, DC. I’ve addressed these “wanderings” with her a few times and her reply is, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” This robs everyone of enjoying an event as we search for her.

If a competent adult in my group chose to wander off regularly without letting anyone know, I wouldn’t go searching too hard for them or worry unnecessarily. It would be one thing if it was a child, or an adult who requires supervision for medical reasons. It’s another for an adult who is responsible for his/her own actions.

I’d probably approach it with something like this: “Hey, Mom, you know, I’ve been thinking about your ‘wanderings’ lately, and it occurs to me that I haven’t been very considerate of the fact that you’re an adult and can go where you want, when you want. Of course, I care about you and I’d appreciate you making sure your cell phone’s on (if she has one), or letting someone know before you leave the group, just in case something happens and we need to get in touch with you. But if you don’t, that’s up to you and I’m not going to worry about it any more. You’re a capable adult, and I need to realize that you can get home on your own just fine and don’t need me to babysit you. I’m sorry, and I’ll try to be more respectful in the future.”

The only thing that troubles me is, am I alright with God? Would God have me continuously step in front of the bus and be run over or would he have me be courageous and stand my ground?

Please send me your thoughts.

My thoughts (take them or leave them, whatever is most helpful to you):

There is no Commandment that says, “Thou shalt call your mother every week and avoid all topics that upset her.” Honoring your parents is not about never upsetting them, denying your own needs, or allowing them to treat you badly. And, though I don’t think trying to make her talk about the past will solve anything right now, still, forgiveness is not about denying the past. IME, it’s more about putting the past in the past, if that makes any sense.

**There is nothing in the Bible or Church teaching that says, “Love means associating with the person.” **In fact, there are times we should not associate with someone for their own good (or ours), but we should still love and pray for them.

That’s all I’ve got at the moment. Hope some of that is helpful to you.
Will say a prayer for you and your mom!

 

[Xantippe]

If a competent adult in my group chose to wander off regularly without letting anyone know, I wouldn’t go searching too hard for them or worry unnecessarily. It would be one thing if it was a child, or an adult who requires supervision for medical reasons. It’s another for an adult who is responsible for his/her own actions.

I’d probably approach it with something like this: “Hey, Mom, you know, I’ve been thinking about your ‘wanderings’ lately, and it occurs to me that I haven’t been very considerate of the fact that you’re an adult and can go where you want, when you want. Of course, I care about you and I’d appreciate you making sure your cell phone’s on (if she has one), or letting someone know before you leave the group, just in case something happens and we need to get in touch with you. But if you don’t, that’s up to you and I’m not going to worry about it any more. You’re a capable adult, and I need to realize that you can get home on your own just fine and don’t need me to babysit you. I’m sorry, and I’ll try to be more respectful in the future.”

My thoughts (take them or leave them, whatever is most helpful to you):

There is no Commandment that says, “Thou shalt call your mother every week and avoid all topics that upset her.” Honoring your parents is not about never upsetting them, denying your own needs, or allowing them to treat you badly. And, though I don’t think trying to make her talk about the past will solve anything right now, still, forgiveness is not about denying the past. IME, it’s more about putting the past in the past, if that makes any sense.

**There is nothing in the Bible or Church teaching that says, “Love means associating with the person.” **In fact, there are times we should not associate with someone for their own good (or ours), but we should still love and pray for them.

That’s all I’ve got at the moment. Hope some of that is helpful to you.
Will say a prayer for you and your mom!

Yes to everything.

I would have to add that given the OP’s mom’s age, it’s not impossible that she might be starting to have some issues with dementia, so I’d keep my eyes open and watch for signs that she is losing her ability to function independently.

 

[mommy_k]

God wants us to forgive those in our lives that have deeply injured us so we can move on. This means letting go of resentment, and not expecting closure in some situations, and not putting yourself in situations with your mother where she can build on this resentment.
This looks different according to the age and mental state of your mothe, as Xantippe pointed out.

Is it possible to care and have concern, along with emotional support for someone who never gave you care and concern in the past, especially when it concerns someone such as a mother? Yes it is possible, but difficult, especially if you are carrying emotional scars. It is not necessary,

If this involves dementia or mental illness, then these should also dictate what conversations look like if you choose to interact and speak with her as you are healing. You should not let her dictate any interactions based on guilt, which includes frequency of phone calls and wandering. She can call you, and if the wandering is ruining occasions, she does not have to be included.

 

[MarieB]

Thank you so much everyone! This has been so very helpful. I will definitely be reading this over and over when I feel overwhelmed again.

God bless each of you.

p.s. Someone considered whether my mother could have some dementia issues, but I’m certain she does not have that going on. The behavior has been for the same all of her adult life. Though she has become more set in the patterns.