Dear lovemyfaith,
I’m so very sorry–sorry for you and your family, as well as for your mother. The anguish you feel can only be assuaged by your trust that God knows what He’s doing, even though dementia is one of the worst ends that we can contemplate. He’s there for you, to help you through this. Try not to forget that and do reach out to Him, several times a day, every day. Ask Jesus to accept this great burden as your sacrifice for Him. In that way, you can see some possibility of good coming from this situation that so tears you apart.
There will be times when you’ll be short-tempered, embarrassed, and maybe even repulsed. Don’t despair at these all-too-human responses to your inability to do anything concrete to change this illness that has been thrust upon your mother, and, therefore, upon your entire family. There is always that human side of us that wars with our propensity to goodness, and it rears its ugly head when we’re least prepared and when we’re most horrified by its presence.
When such instances occur (and they likely will occur), ask God’s forgiveness for your momentary lapses and know that His forgiveness . . . IS . . . HIS . . . FORGIVENESS . . . through absolution by His priest in Confession. You are NOT a bad daughter; you are a human daughter who is neither perfect nor bad. Ask our Blessed Mother and her own sweet mother, St. Anne, to wrap their loving arms around you, interceding for your mother and your family. They, too, knew anguish for a loved one.
Talk to your diocesan Catholic Charities office. Someone there should be able to tell you what financial avenues you may explore. Some states have veterans’ homes that also include the spouse of veterans. Maybe you could meet with other Catholics in your circumstances and, together, begin plans for compassionate care that is affordable. Even though the actual facility might be in existence too late to help your mother, it would be your “concrete” memorial to her. There should be a federal office with a name that includes “Area Agency on Aging,” which began in the 70s, in every part of the United States. That office should have comprehensive information for you, as should your local board of health (city or county). Your local parish priest and his secretary may have valuable information for you, too.
Whenever your mother won’t fight you, touching should be comforting–anything from a mere light touch to a hug. If your mother is also Catholic, recitation of prayers, particularly The Hail Mary, may be soothing for her, even on some level that you can’t detect. She might also appreciate a sturdy rosary linked with heavy cord that can’t be broken. You could keep it yourself, so that it doesn’t get lost, and let her use it while you’re there. Humming or singing “Ave Maria” often is calming, and sometimes a sturdy doll about the size of a 6-mo to 1-yr-old child becomes a constant “security blanket” for those with dementia and settles them so that they have something to do with their hands (holding and caressing it) and attention and become less beligerent and contrary.
Your mother will receive more frequent attention if you go at different times of the day so that the staff doesn’t expect you at the same time. It helps to go back a second time on some days, too, in order to keep them on their toes.
I’m sure that every caring reader will utter prayers on your behalf. May peace abide in all of you.
