"Mommy, I can't wait to be a wife and mother!"

[whatevergirl]

*I was just curious how you might answer your daughter/son, if they said this to you…as a young teen. My dd is 13 yrs old…going into 8th grade. She has her entire future mapped out, complete with kids’ names, and where she will be living, and that she plans to be a dentist and buy a home for her dad and me, RIGHT NEXT DOOR to her and her husband. Ah, her husband might want to add his two cents into that, but we’ll wait until we get to that bridge.

Ok…so, last night, she said…"I can’t WAIT to be a wife and mother, mommy. You and daddy make it look SO fun.’’ We do? :ehh: My husband called from work, and I told him this, and he said…‘ah, yes, it’s been a barrel of laughs with you sharon for 18 yrs.’ I will say that while it’s not always been rosy, we HAVE LAUGHED A LOT along the way…and a great sense of humor and a stronghold faith will get you through just about anything life throws at ya.

That being said…I responded to her…‘honey, that’s great that you are excited to become a wife and mother…but make sure you pick your husband wisely…don’t just get married to get married.’ She said, ‘no, I won’t, but I plan to meet my husband in my junior year of college, and we will be married, shortly after we graduate…together, of course.’ "Then, I will go to dental school, and I will then plan to start having babies, after that…and probably stay home for a while…but if I own my own practice, I can take my babies to work with me!’ (I told you she has this all planned out) I said to her that ‘sometimes, life throws you curve balls, and your best laid plans don’t always go as planned. Let God lead you along, don’t be disappointed if things don’t always go as planned…you might get married at 25 or 28…or whatever.’ She answered…‘No, mommy…I’m going to be married no later than 24!’

Oh brother.

Ok…so what direction would you take this into? I think it’s adorable on the one hand, but I don’t want her to be in love with the idea of being in love…like many young ladies are…and they marry the wrong guy often times! Some advice would be helpful. Thanks. *

 

[Belle10]

I had my future all planned out too. It’s something girls do – they dream…and yes, they are often in love with the idea of being in love, especially at that age. Thankfully it sounds like she’s got great dreams about family! Seems like you and your husband are providing a good example of what married life and family life should be.

I wouldn’t worry about all her detailed plans – like I said, they’re dreams. As she gets older some of the details will change (I went from wanting to be an architect to wanting to be an on-air reporter to this and that and finally now wanting to be a stay at home mom ). As she grows in age and maturity, she’ll realize that being certain she’ll meet him her junior year of college is a crazy thing to have planned out (though wouldn’t it be funny if it happens that way?) and that what matters aren’t details like that, but the ideals she holds.

 

[Rkirby]

Don’t rain on her parade. There’s nothing worse for a child than for a grown-up to dismiss dreams and plans. Tell her to pray for what she wants and to include God in her plans. Then support her in this. I had my own plans and dreams and they worked out almost perfectly. I wanted a two-story wood-sided house on 40 acres, horses and six kids. I wanted a husband who was my friend. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Guess what!! I got it all and more!!! Be a supporter. If you discourage her in this she won’t want to share any of her dreams and plans with you. There are plenty of other people in the world who are willing to be naysayers. You are her mother - don’t be one of “them.”

 

[whatevergirl]

*Okay, that is a wise idea…I don’t mean to rain on her parade, I just don’t want her to be disappointed …and I want her to make sure she looks to God first, for direction. But, I hear you–I will have to be mindful that I don’t appear…hmmm…like I’m trying to dissuade her from any of her ‘dreams,’ and goals. I agree! My concern, is that she has been talking like this for a few years now…yes, since she was about 10.

She said…‘you said that you wanted to marry a man who had daddy’s name when you were a kid.’ (I love my husband’s first name lol) I said…that is true. lol But, if I didn’t meet a man with that name, and fell in love…I wouldn’t have called it off. lol

She is funny…she has names picked out for her kids…for every possible nationality that she might marry…“If I marry an african american man, I would like our kids names to be…if I marry a Japanese man…If I marry an Italian man…” and on and on. She said, and if the man isn’t Catholic…well, he’ll just have to convert, then.

It will interesting to say the least…

Belle–thank you for your thoughts…how funny, my dd wanted to be an architect last year, and now she shifted to wanting to be a dentist…because I think she sees one of her cousins studying that now…so, we shall see! *

 

[gardenswithkids]

*I…*I responded to her…‘honey, that’s great that you are excited to become a wife and mother…but make sure you pick your husband wisely…don’t just get married to get married.’ She said, 'no, I won’t, but I plan to meet my husband in my junior year of college, and we will be married, shortly after we graduate…"
Ok…so what direction would you take this into? I think it’s adorable on the one hand, but I don’t want her to be in love with the idea of being in love…like many young ladies are…and they marry the wrong guy often times! Some advice would be helpful. Thanks.

What you already said to her about making sure to pick her husband wisely is good. I don’t know if you need to say anything more to re-start the conversation at this point. Just keep re-inforcing that finding the right guy is more important than following a pre-set schedule. One of my friends told me that as a child, her family taught her to pray for her future hustand. You might add that idea if she starts this conversation again and begin praying for her future husband. He’s probably out there somewhere in his adolescence right now making choices and developing habits that could affect their marriage (which will begin in ten years, two months and nine days. Better book a reception hall now.)

 

[MercyMia]

Wow, considering most girls her age probably want to grow up to be Britney Spears, I say she has a great head on her shoulders! Will these plans pan out? Only God knows, but they are plans that all point to a very good path. If she wants to be a dentist, I am sure she is already putting the hard work into her grades it will take and that is a great thing. Even if she changes her mind down the road, her work ethic will be so valuable in whatever path she takes in life! It is a great compliment to you that your daughter sites her parent’s marriage as the reason why she wants to get married! How many people of my generation (I’m 25) site their parent’s dysfunctional relationship and/or divorce as why they have an aversion to marriage? It is awesome that she has found the inspiration in her own home! Hopefully she can make all the way over the teenage hump with this attitude. As for her being in love with the idea of being in love - I don’t think it is so terrible for her to have her mind set. At least she knows what she wants - marriage. This will make her less likely to fall for the false promises of a smooth talker. And don’t underestimate the power of her having a great dad to turn to. If your husband has set the bar high for how a lady should be treated, your daughter has internalized this and will likely not settle for less. As she approaches the dating age, I think it is a good idea for your husband to perhaps take her out on lunch or dinner dates – really set the bar for her on how she should be treated. That way, when the time comes for her to go on dates with boys, she will have that standard of her dad pulling out her chair, being attentive and loving – nothing will be lacking. In the mean time, get her involved and around Catholic boys, and I mean Catholic boys, who live their faith. The more she is around authentic men, the easier it will be for her to spot the smooth talkers in the future. A good book I would recommend is Theology of the Body for Teens by Christopher West (it is based off the writings of JPII).
If she has a passion for dentistry maybe you can get her involved with volunteering with an Operation Smile chapter near where you live. I am not sure if you are familiar with them. They are a non-profit where dentists travel to poor areas and perform dental care on people who cannot afford it. It might be a great place for her to meet some actual dentists who are putting their gifts to good use. They often need help with events and fundraising, and sometime schools have clubs.

 

[noclevername]

Yeah, don’t worry about it. Like someone else said, all girls have their entire future mapped out. I did. And I am actually doing quite a bit of it. THe only thing is I don’t have any kids but I’ve had a girl name picked out since I was very young and I still plan to use that same name if I am ever blessed with a daughter. (that is if my BF will ever propose but that’s another story)

 

[Em_in_FL]

Aww… I think that’s the sweetest thing ever! The point of all this is that her dreams have moral foundation, kwim? I think it’s just beautiful!

One thing my mom constantly said to me growing up was to pray the Our Father… “Thy will be done”… but not to forget that we have our own Free Will to work out the details. As long as God’s will is ultimately met, then the details are what make life worth dreaming about!

Sounds like you’re doing a good job, Momma!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You’ve been given great advice. I’d just suggest you print out the original post and put it away. Someday you can take it out and either laugh uproariously or stare in awe at her psychic abilities.

Or her iron-clad determination to make her life a self-fulfilling prophesy. Which isn’t so bad if she has good goals in mind. And she has good goals. Just make sure she knows heaven should be her ultimate goal.

I’m sure she already knows that with you as a mom.



And if her plans aren’t going as she wants when she is 18, you will have her words to show her and she can contemplate the difference 5 years have made and how different she may be in 5 more years.

I’ve quoted my daughter to her about things she said when she was 15. She says “I said that??” I wish I had printed it out to show her.

It will give her wisdom someday when she has a 13 year old who is announcing things.

Worry when she’s 16 and has picked an unworthy 18 year old and has names picked out and plans to marry him when she is 18. I don’t have any advice for that. But I’m all ears.

 

[choose_to_love]

WG, definitely on the right track by having her seek what God’s plan is for her. Obviously all good goals, and as others have pointed out, with strong moral foundation. Perhaps her desires/wishes that she has now as a teen are, in fact, the promptings of the Spirit. Nonetheless, as you mentioned, she, and all of us, should be seeking what the Lord wants us to do. While I certainly do not think your DD is at this stage, no one wants to reach the “this-is-what-I-want-so-make-it-happen-God” stage. Encouraging her to listen for what the plan is, which it sounds like you are doing, would be a great complement to her dreams and aspirations.

Ours are still very little (5,4,2, one due in Dec.), and my five-y.o. dd said on a trip back to our house from spending time with friends who have a seven y.o. son: “That Liam M. is such a calm boy. If it is God’s plan, I’d like to marry him - - I know if it’s not God’s plan, then it will be someone else, but I’d like it if that could be God’s plan”. My bride and I just stared at each other - - I guess some of what we teach gets through.

That followed an earlier conversation on who she wanted to marry, about half a year or so before:

DD: When I grow up, I’d like to marry you, Daddy.

Me: Well, I’m married to Mommy. Little girls don’t marry their daddies.

DD: Well, then I’d like to marry (her brother).
Me: No, we don’t marry our brothers and sisters . . .
DD: I’m going to marry Pop-pop, then.
Me: Honey, Pop-pop is already married . .
DD: I will marry Father T. (our parish assistant priest)
Me: Uh, well, that’s a little different, he has given up being married to serve God . . .
DD: I will marry Jesus!
Me: That pretty much makes you a nun . . .
DD: But I don’t want to be a nun!
Me: There are so many good boys out there, and I’m sure God will send you the perfect one for you, just like he did with Mommy and I . . .

which seemed to satisfy her for the time.

 

[newf]

I’ve always told my daughters ‘those are great plans, just remember you alway reserve the right to change your mind’.

This way I validated their ideas but didn’t make them feel like they were obligated to follow through if they had a change of thought.

 

[Love_is_Patient]

WG, definitely on the right track by having her seek what God’s plan is for her. Obviously all good goals, and as others have pointed out, with strong moral foundation. Perhaps her desires/wishes that she has now as a teen are, in fact, the promptings of the Spirit. Nonetheless, as you mentioned, she, and all of us, should be seeking what the Lord wants us to do. While I certainly do not think your DD is at this stage, no one wants to reach the “this-is-what-I-want-so-make-it-happen-God” stage. Encouraging her to listen for what the plan is, which it sounds like you are doing, would be a great complement to her dreams and aspirations.

Ours are still very little (5,4,2, one due in Dec.), and my five-y.o. dd said on a trip back to our house from spending time with friends who have a seven y.o. son: “That Liam M. is such a calm boy. If it is God’s plan, I’d like to marry him - - I know if it’s not God’s plan, then it will be someone else, but I’d like it if that could be God’s plan”. My bride and I just stared at each other - - I guess some of what we teach gets through.

That followed an earlier conversation on who she wanted to marry, about half a year or so before:

DD: When I grow up, I’d like to marry you, Daddy.

Me: Well, I’m married to Mommy. Little girls don’t marry their daddies.

DD: Well, then I’d like to marry (her brother).
Me: No, we don’t marry our brothers and sisters . . .
DD: I’m going to marry Pop-pop, then.
Me: Honey, Pop-pop is already married . .
DD: I will marry Father T. (our parish assistant priest)
Me: Uh, well, that’s a little different, he has given up being married to serve God . . .
DD: I will marry Jesus!
Me: That pretty much makes you a nun . . .
DD: But I don’t want to be a nun!
Me: There are so many good boys out there, and I’m sure God will send you the perfect one for you, just like he did with Mommy and I . . .

which seemed to satisfy her for the time.

That’s fantastic. Sounds like the two of you are doing a great job.

Love is Patient

 

[dulcissima]

Much better than what my daughter said at that age, that she wants to be a mom but not get married. Be thankful that you and your husband are giving your daughter such a great vision of what marriage is like.

 

[KCT]

I’ve always told my daughters ‘those are great plans, just remember you alway reserve the right to change your mind’.

This way I validated their ideas but didn’t make them feel like they were obligated to follow through if they had a change of thought.

Yep, remind her to be open to whatever God wants her to do.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Thank you for your replies, all. You know, I didn’t realize how closely I guess, our kids have been eyeing our marriage. And there are times I regret…the time we were separated, although they were much younger, I regret it. I regret the times we argued a lot. I mean, a lot earlier, right before we separated. If I only knew about marriage all these years, what the Bible teaches, what the Church teaches…and applied that early on. Guess it does no use to cry over it now…but, you know, regrets. Ugh.

I didn’t have great role models. I love my sister dearly…but, her and my BIL were never happy in their marriage it seemed…thus…a few years ago, divorced. My parents were good role models, but I didn’t have much time with them. No marriage is perfect, but I grew up in an angry household…and sometimes I wonder if that does more bad than good, for kids to see that growing up their entire childhood.

I don’t advocate divorce, but gosh…seriously, my household was a tense, angry one growing up with my sister and BIL. My BIL walking on eggshells…my sister yelling at him…my BIL yelling at me and his kids. My youngest nephew doesn’t believe in marriage, and my oldest nephew is getting divorced…I guess it does impact kids to an extent.*

 

[Mamselle_Duroc]

She sounds just like me when I was thirteen. I had it all planned out. Where I would live, what the kids would be called… I knew exactly what he’d look like, too. (Some people will tell you I insisted he had red hair, but don’t believe them; I just said he had to be an Irish boy… personally I was convinced that he’d have dark hair.) I was going to meet him my freshman year of college… the sooner the better! Now that I am a freshman in college, I hope that things don’t work out that way. Give me some time to settle into college life and make some real friends first, please!

And I grew older, and my ideals changed, and then I realised that God is always going to surprise us… lots of times with something better than we imagined. All the same, I don’t regret the silly dreams. They helped me work through some bigger problems, in trying to pin down what kind of man I wanted to marry… what makes a good man? I started really watching good men like my father and observing what it was in them that made them so special.

And I still think it’s pretty neat that at such a young, rebellious, wanting-to-be-independent stage I wanted to be a wife and mother, considering that society looks down on it so much. It’s awesome in your daughter, too.

In the end, having parents who smiled and encouraged the dreams but at the same time made it easier for me to grow more open, and to simply grow, made all the difference during the transition period. Their example was wonderful too. So, all things considered, I think it’s going to be great for your daughter, too.

 

[KathyA]

Wonderful for you! It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right for your daughter to want to be a wife and mother.

DS1 has had dreams of being a Navy Seal since about the 5th grade. I thought he’d grow out of it. He researched and read books and understood that it would take an exceptional individual to make it in such a selective/tough profession (I don’t know if that’s even what you call it!). Once he got into high school, a teacher brought up the Naval Academy as a way to reach his goals since he is such a diligent student. My son is a Senior this year, but seems to be on the fast track to USNA or in the alternative a Navy ROTC scholarship. He spent a week at the Academy earlier this Summer and has been all about the Navy since…filling out applications, writing essays, doing interviews. Through it all, he still has his mind set on SEALS. Like you, I don’t want him to be disappointed if this lifelong dream does not come to be. It’s hard. My advice in the past year has been “Don’t overlook the really great opportunites God sends your way because you have tunnel vision.” That advice probably makes more sense to an almost 18 year old than it would to your daughter right now. I thought you might be able to use it in a couple of years if need be!

Kathy

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Around that age, I had the faces drawn (and names named) of all my future children (6 sets of twins, btw). Actually, I had drawn these named faces many times, with different details every time. But I had lots of plans.

A friend of mine tells me that when she was a teen, she used to pray for her future husband. Now that she is married (to a man she didn’t know at the time), and I know her husband’s story, I believe that her prayers may have played a part in his coming into his faith. Anyway, why not encourage her to pray for this future husband of hers - not for her to get the husband, but for whoever the young man is, for God to make him holy and to prepare him for this marriage. I think as she gets older and closer to it becoming a reality, you can encourage her to pray for “Thy Will be done,” but I agree that right now she’s just daydreaming - and hey, what a healthy daydream to have!

 

[whatevergirl]

What you already said to her about making sure to pick her husband wisely is good. I don’t know if you need to say anything more to re-start the conversation at this point. Just keep re-inforcing that finding the right guy is more important than following a pre-set schedule. One of my friends told me that as a child, her family taught her to pray for her future hustand. You might add that idea if she starts this conversation again and begin praying for her future husband. He’s probably out there somewhere in his adolescence right now making choices and developing habits that could affect their marriage (which will begin in ten years, two months and nine days. Better book a reception hall now.)

*I like the idea of telling her to address this to God, asking for Him to place her on the right path towards a Godly husband someday. It’s funny, we look at Bride magazine a lot…can never get started too early looking at beautiful wedding dresses. lol I was in Borders recently picking up one of the latest issues, and the woman at the check out register said…Öh, weddings…are you going to be in one…getting married soon yourself…" I said…“no, my 13 yr old daughter and I like to look at these.” :ehh: that was the look I got. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Wonderful for you! It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right for your daughter to want to be a wife and mother.

DS1 has had dreams of being a Navy Seal since about the 5th grade. I thought he’d grow out of it. He researched and read books and understood that it would take an exceptional individual to make it in such a selective/tough profession (I don’t know if that’s even what you call it!). Once he got into high school, a teacher brought up the Naval Academy as a way to reach his goals since he is such a diligent student. My son is a Senior this year, but seems to be on the fast track to USNA or in the alternative a Navy ROTC scholarship. He spent a week at the Academy earlier this Summer and has been all about the Navy since…filling out applications, writing essays, doing interviews. Through it all, he still has his mind set on SEALS. Like you, I don’t want him to be disappointed if this lifelong dream does not come to be. It’s hard. My advice in the past year has been “Don’t overlook the really great opportunites God sends your way because you have tunnel vision.” That advice probably makes more sense to an almost 18 year old than it would to your daughter right now. I thought you might be able to use it in a couple of years if need be!

Kathy

That’s great advice, thank you Kathy. Wow, your son wants to be a part of the SEALS. Holy cow boot camp looks so HARD! One of the hardest, I do believe…I watch the reality series on tv…well, not a reality show per se, but the show highlights various things about the SEALS…really neat if your son does this, but he may change his mind. I agree.