Money & drama

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Paigepowers2

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Thanks for reading my post. I am desperate for help. I’m in therapy. My husband I have done coupled therapy in the past but he has pretty much refused as of late.

We’ve had a rough history. He has been cold, callus and downright mean… But he isn’t always that way and that’s why I am struggling.

Here are the critical issues. I’m the breadwinner although he does have a full time job too. We are in terrible financial shape. He suggested that I file for bankruptcy alone (to preserve his credit).
And the majority of my debt is from a failed business and it’s in my name alone. He just wants it gone.
I’ve suggested that we downsize… Big time and move into a tiny house… (we currently rent a very beautiful home).

He does not want to do this. He has all but stomped his feet. He sidetracks any conversation that I start concerning it.
I went to see a bankruptcy attorney and I CAN file alone… But I just feel awful.
He did not offer to join me for the meeting or with any of the paperwork. He just doesn’t think we (i) have a choice… Because he doesn’t want to change our lifestyle. Of course I don’t either, but I’m struggling. He doesn’t want to take on extra jobs etc and hasn’t offered to do so.

He cooks, cleans and is acting like mr Mom around the house because he knows that I’m on the edge of leaving. We have one child who will no doubt be impacted by my decision.

I feel lost. I am scared to be on my own. Petrified actually. But he is nothing but annoying to me. It’s Thanksgiving and he wanted to cook the turkey. He hasn’t showered or combed his hair and has spent the majority of the day vacuuming, clipping the dogs nails and dusting.
We almost divorced a few years ago and I took him back because he threatened suicide. I just don’t know what to do.
I should also say that we don’t have sex. When we do it’s all about him. He often doesn’t even have actual intercourse. He will just have me masturbate him. And nothing for me. This came up in therapy and he said he did that because he didn’t want to inconvenience me. I told him that was crazy. He started to have normal sex for awhile and then fell back to the masturbation. The last time I asked him nicely why he was back to that… And he said he knew I was concerned about my weight and didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I’m 5’9 and 132 pounds. I’m a size 4.
Can you tell me your objective thoughts?
 
Hi, Lori!

I continue to wonder about your communication. Does he understand how you prioritize stuff, and that you would prefer that he shower, rather than dust on Thanksgiving? I wonder if you’d benefit from having a nightly meeting to discuss what needs to happen the next day.

That said, your sex life sounds terrible.
 
On the money thing, you should check out Dave Ramsey.

On the marriage thing, if he won’t go to counseling, you should go yourself. This will at least help you vent and also to get someone else’s perspective and might even help you see what you might be doing wrong. Marriages go through ebbs and flows. However the suicide thing is concerning. He really should seek help
 
As mentioned, I had posted about this before but got locked out of my account.

I tried suggesting Dave Ramsey. My husband won’t go for it. He says bankruptcy I’d our only option… Even though he won’t even LOOK at the numbers.

As for therapy… I am going. The therapist thinks that it’s time I face reality,
 
Paigepowers2 said:
As mentioned, I had posted about this before but got locked out of my account.

I tried suggesting Dave Ramsey. My husband won’t go for it. He says bankruptcy I’d our only option… Even though he won’t even LOOK at the numbers.

As for therapy… I am going. The therapist thinks that it’s time I face reality,
Click to expand...
It’s funny. I stumbled upon Dave Ramsey and it took a long time to convince my husband to try out his plan. Just keep nagging…eventually they wear down.😃
 
I hate to submit an opinion on your marriage, since it’s not possible to get all the facts about it etc. on a forum. The only thing I can suggest wisely is what you are already doing: seeing a therapist. Just make sure they are competent.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
Thanks for reading my post. I am desperate for help. I’m in therapy. My husband I have done coupled therapy in the past but he has pretty much refused as of late.

We’ve had a rough history. He has been cold, callus and downright mean… But he isn’t always that way and that’s why I am struggling.

Here are the critical issues. I’m the breadwinner although he does have a full time job too. We are in terrible financial shape. He suggested that I file for bankruptcy alone (to preserve his credit).
And the majority of my debt is from a failed business and it’s in my name alone. He just wants it gone.
I’ve suggested that we downsize… Big time and move into a tiny house… (we currently rent a very beautiful home).

He does not want to do this. He has all but stomped his feet. He sidetracks any conversation that I start concerning it.
I went to see a bankruptcy attorney and I CAN file alone… But I just feel awful.
He did not offer to join me for the meeting or with any of the paperwork. He just doesn’t think we (i) have a choice… Because he doesn’t want to change our lifestyle. Of course I don’t either, but I’m struggling. He doesn’t want to take on extra jobs etc and hasn’t offered to do so.

He cooks, cleans and is acting like mr Mom around the house because he knows that I’m on the edge of leaving. We have one child who will no doubt be impacted by my decision.

I feel lost. I am scared to be on my own. Petrified actually. But he is nothing but annoying to me. It’s Thanksgiving and he wanted to cook the turkey. He hasn’t showered or combed his hair and has spent the majority of the day vacuuming, clipping the dogs nails and dusting.
We almost divorced a few years ago and I took him back because he threatened suicide. I just don’t know what to do.
I should also say that we don’t have sex. When we do it’s all about him. He often doesn’t even have actual intercourse. He will just have me masturbate him. And nothing for me. This came up in therapy and he said he did that because he didn’t want to inconvenience me. I told him that was crazy. He started to have normal sex for awhile and then fell back to the masturbation. The last time I asked him nicely why he was back to that… And he said he knew I was concerned about my weight and didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I’m 5’9 and 132 pounds. I’m a size 4.
Can you tell me your objective thoughts?
Click to expand...
Objective thoughts? Somehow, he hasn’t matured into a grown man. He is needy and clingy (suicide threats), might feel castrated by your drive, the fact that you earn more than he does, hence the masturbation. Regardless of what he says it is not about you, it’s about him, so as I said he’s either intimidated or feeling less than a man because you’re ambitious, energetic, go-getter, active (that’s what I meant by “drive”), or perhaps, perhaps he doesn’t find you attractive which, given that you’re a 5’9 and 132 pound woman is not likely. Are you concerned about your weight, and if so in what way? What he said about not inconveniencing you is total bull manure, it’s either an outright lie or a lousy rationalisation. Being a Mr. Mom is not way up there in what women find attractive in a a man. He’s poor husband material.
 
Yes he thinks cleaning and cooking is the way to make nice and get me off his back…, even though I have kindly (through coupled therapy) told him that’s not what I need.

We had a strange car parked out front of the house and someone was in it. I had to leave late at night for work… And I called police and woke him up. He didn’t even walk me to my car. I told him I want a protector and provider. Unfortunately he didn’t get it…

I am not terribly uncomfortable with my weight. I work our 5 times a week and I’m always conscious on my appearance…

It’s been about a month since he initiated and the other day I asked him why… Since I’ve walked around in my underwear etc at night. He said “you’ve been so worried about the finances I just didn’t want to add another stress on you”.
 
I think the stuff you complain about falls into two categories:
  1. trivia that should be easy to clear up (dusting vs. showering on Thanksgiving)
  2. truly dire issues (the financial and the sexual stuff)
I know they both irritate you equally at this point, but try to hold your fire (or at least soften your tone) on the trivial stuff. If you’re mad a lot (and I bet you are) your husband may be genuinely confused as to which issues are make-or-break.

How good is he at math? It’s possible that the explanation for his weird behavior around your finances is that he may be math-phobic and that he’s afraid he’ll look stupid in front of a financial counselor if he obviously doesn’t understand the math.
 
HOnestly I never get mad. I don’t tell him these things bother me. That’s why I go to therapy! If I told him any of that he would be livid.

My husband is fine at math. But he’s even better at denial.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
HOnestly I never get mad. I don’t tell him these things bother me. That’s why I go to therapy! If I told him any of that he would be livid.

My husband is fine at math. But he’s even better at denial.
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Has he changed drastically over the years, otherwise I can’t understand how someone like you could be attracted to someone like him? He’s sometimes mean, cold, apparently asexual, selfish sexually, unprotective (car parked outside), less than chivalrous (car parked outside). Did you use to think you didn’t deserve an adequate partner because you weren’t good enough, somehow?
 
Yes. That’s exactly it. I was abused as a child and I had to go through a lot of therapy… I just told myself that his behavior was the best i was going to get

If anything in some area… He’s gotten better. He used to be even colder.
 
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope and pray you can find support from friends and relatives. I will pray for you and your situation. Again, my objective thoughts is that even though the thought of being alone petrifies you, the thought of spending most of your life with someone who can’t reciprocate love and affection should petrify you even more. Think twice about spending your life with someone that you’ll have to literally beg for crumbs of affection. I’ve seen my own mom do it all her life and i just wish she could have avoided that situation . Again, my honest to God perspective.
 
Yes… You have a good read on the situation. I just thought back to a recent trip where I had to pick up my husband at the airport after being gone for a few days. He didn’t even hug me. Just said “hey”. There’s no passion… And when he does kiss me it’s usually because I mentioned that it was missing… And it always feels forced.

It’s been this way for a very long time…
 
Can I ask a question here? This may actually be more beneficial to me than ranting about how unfulfilled I am.

What does a strong marriage feel like? Ladies… Do you WANT to have sex with your husbands? Do you want to kiss them… Like REALLY kiss them? What are dinners like … Do you talk a lot?

My husband cooks… And is obsessed with cleaning … Even the dog gets bathed twice a week and he is consistently clipping that poor things nails… But he irons for himself. He does all of the things like THAT. He doesn’t go out. He doesn’t really have any friends and tells me he doesn’t want them… He doesn’t golf or do any “guy” things. He doesn’t even want to look at the finances. He texts a guy from work all the time… But he’s gay. So he isn’t getting any good “guy” role models.

I know marriages go through ups and downs … But I just can’t get out of the “down” phase.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
Can I ask a question here? This may actually be more beneficial to me than ranting about how unfulfilled I am.

What does a strong marriage feel like? Ladies… Do you WANT to have sex with your husbands? Do you want to kiss them… Like REALLY kiss them? What are dinners like … Do you talk a lot?

My husband cooks… And is obsessed with cleaning … Even the dog gets bathed twice a week and he is consistently clipping that poor things nails… But he irons for himself. He does all of the things like THAT. He doesn’t go out. He doesn’t really have any friends and tells me he doesn’t want them… He doesn’t golf or do any “guy” things. He doesn’t even want to look at the finances. He texts a guy from work all the time… But he’s gay. So he isn’t getting any good “guy” role models.

I know marriages go through ups and downs … But I just can’t get out of the “down” phase.
Click to expand...
Ummmmmmm…

Husband is not interested in sex AT ALL. Husband is texting a gay man from work. 2 + 2 = 4.

:eek:
 
We’ve been down this road before in couples therapy and he swears that he is not gay. Although he did admit many years ago that he had some drunken escapade with a man. But he blamed the alcohol. As for the no sex part… I can tell … That he does get excited by me. He just doesn’t seem to want to have sex. However he blames me and says that he knows I’m stressed and doesn’t want to bother me.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Ummmmmmm…

Husband is not interested in sex AT ALL. Husband is texting a gay man from work. 2 + 2 = 4.

:eek:
Click to expand...
Truth be told, I was eagerly waiting for you to step in and say what you think. I’d have a look or have someone who knows more about computers than I do to see what kind of sites shows up in his history. But gay or not gay, he’s not a loving and respectful husband, he’s like a desert, sure you might one day find an oasis, but you’ll more likely die of thirst. My parents have a couple with whom they’re friends, husband treats wife like dirt, has no nice words for her, never a loving glance, a kiss, an arm around her shoulder, probably every single people I’ve known who has met him asked me if he’s gay. He is effeminate to a degree, but the way he treats his wife is a dead give away as far as I’m concerned. She has somatized the affective and emotional void all her life. Heck I wouldn’t be surprised if my father himself is gay. Either that or he married someone for whom he didn’t have an iota of attraction, interest and respect.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
We’ve been down this road before in couples therapy and he swears that he is not gay. Although he did admit many years ago that he had some drunken escapade with a man. But he blamed the alcohol. As for the no sex part… I can tell … That he does get excited by me. He just doesn’t seem to want to have sex. However he blames me and says that he knows I’m stressed and doesn’t want to bother me.
Click to expand...
A gay man having sexual intercourse with a woman is not unheard of. Case in point, singer George Michael said it himself that he thought he was bisexual up to the year 1988, when he realized he was exclusively homosexual.
 
The last time I suggested separation he said he’d never see our son because he says he wouldn’t be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment. I’m sure that was just part of his threat but maybe I should hold him to that? I’d be happy if I just kept our son and he didn’t have to bounce around houses. He could see him whenever… Of course. But I worry about our son and my husband being so unstable.

Once he threatened suicide when I said our dog had to live outside because he was acting aggressive. Lots of empty threats.
 
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