Money & drama

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Paigepowers2 said:
The last time I suggested separation he said he’d never see our son because he says he wouldn’t be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment. I’m sure that was just part of his threat but maybe I should hold him to that? I’d be happy if I just kept our son and he didn’t have to bounce around houses. He could see him whenever… Of course. But I worry about our son and my husband being so unstable.

Once he threatened suicide when I said our dog had to live outside because he was acting aggressive. Lots of empty threats.
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The onus is on you to decide if you’re going to live or not with an emotionally challenged, immature, emotionally distant, mostly inconsiderate, almost asexual, selfish/self-centered man. Saying you’re in a complicated situation is an understatement. I don’t know whether you’re a believer or not, but if you do decide to end the relationship, surround yourself with as much support as you can, and pray God for strength. Please don’t hesitate to start a thread in the “prayer request” section when you feel the need. Last thing, you were not born with the mission to carry him through life, if he hasn’t been equipped with basic coping skills to face life, you’re in no way responsible.
 
I am Catholic. He is too. The entire reason I’m still married… Is because of my Catholic guilt ridden concerns.

But it’s bad. I just went to get a Christmas tree with him and our son. I had told my husband that I put in an application for a cheaper house. I told him this (again) as we drive to the tree lot. He spent the entire time we searched for a tree in his cell phone trying to find different houses and doing calculations about WHY we should stay where we are. He’s concerned about security deposits. Well yes I am too but we could easily save 1300 a month on a house.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
The last time I suggested separation he said he’d never see our son because he says he wouldn’t be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment. I’m sure that was just part of his threat but maybe I should hold him to that? I’d be happy if I just kept our son and he didn’t have to bounce around houses. He could see him whenever… Of course. But I worry about our son and my husband being so unstable.

Once he threatened suicide when I said our dog had to live outside because he was acting aggressive. Lots of empty threats.
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He’s a liar, I believe, and a coward.

I’d move out, don’t worry when he blames YOU for “ruining his life” while you become independent, successful, healthy and everything he’s not, because he has nothing. Don’t file for divorce, though-- just a personal opinion, I’m allergic to the word. St. Jude may be able to help.

Take your child with you.

But above all, don’t worry one day longer and get out of this depressed situation. You’re not helping him, it’s hard to understand, but in a way you are unfortunately supporting his lame-ness. So you need to go away. Then, it’s HIS choice. Every day is HIS personal choice.

Lily
 
The problem is I know this will get FAR worse when we are seperated. He does not living like a normal person…

This will end in divorce… If it starts with separation. Part of me thinks I need to just serve him with divorce papers… To protect myself and my son.
 
I don’t think anyone answered your question about a “normal” marriage. First, I don’t think there is one, but I can tell you that I love spending time with my husband whether it be at dinner, going to church, playing golf together. I still find his as handsome–probably tons more now he’s my son’s dad–as ever.

I must say that the texting of the SSA friend threw up huge red flags for me. Regardless of what he told you, actions do speak louder than words. Any idea of what he texts to his friend? Does he share that or keep it secret? My hub and I know all our passwords to every e-mail, forum text or Twitter acct we have. There may be a clue there.

Praying for you…
 
Thanks, 90domer.

My husband and I took our son to dinner tonight and it was painful. If he wasn’t on his iPhone, he was nearly silent. He doesn’t want to talk about HOW to deal with our financial problems. He now wants me to file bankruptcy on my own. I told him if I did that… That we couldn’t live in the same place. Legally our incomes and residences would have to be split. He said that was the only option… He wants me to (on paper) get an apartment to show the court that I live separately so I don’t damage his credit.

I don’t have much joy when I’m with him. I arranged a date night for tomorrow to try and get a better gauge about how I’m feeling. What should I expect? What should I say?
 
Paigepowers2 said:
We’ve been down this road before in couples therapy and he swears that he is not gay. Although he did admit many years ago that he had some drunken escapade with a man. But he blamed the alcohol. As for the no sex part… I can tell … That he does get excited by me. He just doesn’t seem to want to have sex. However he blames me and says that he knows I’m stressed and doesn’t want to bother me.
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As if he’s going to admit it to you! He’s giving you hints, though. Heterosexual men don’t have drunken sex with another man. He may not be getting excited by you, but by his fantasies while you are manipulating him. The excuses are excuses. Honey, you need to wake up to what is going on.

He may not want to admit it to himself. But it’s sure sounding like that is the problem…
 
He’s a photographer and works with a lot of actors… Who are gay.

And no he didn’t report the rape, but I don’t know if that means much.

I just think with the money problems… And the sex…, it’s just not pretty.

Like I said tonight… We were trying to get a Christmas tree with our son and he couldn’t even get off his iPhone… He was surfing the web for reasons NOT to move/downsize.

Then at dinner… He was basically silent or on the phone… Surfing the web.
 
Paigepowers2 said:
He’s a photographer and works with a lot of actors… Who are gay.

And no he didn’t report the rape, but I don’t know if that means much.

I just think with the money problems… And the sex…, it’s just not pretty.

Like I said tonight… We were trying to get a Christmas tree with our son and he couldn’t even get off his iPhone… He was surfing the web for reasons NOT to move/downsize.

Then at dinner… He was basically silent or on the phone… Surfing the web.
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So now it’s a rape and not a drunken escapade? Why do you keep protecting him? What are you getting from him as far as a true relationship? Why do you believe this qualifies as a loving relationship? All of your descriptions of your marriage have pointed to a very selfish and immature man who may be a closet homosexual. Please consider what you are doing with your life. He encourages you to write porn. Yet he refuses to make love to you. He will not act as a partner in finances. He spends more than you can make. He seems to want you to support the family so he can play. Doesn’t even seem to take his own career that seriously. Why did you feel attracted to such a person?
 
Well HE calls it rape. In fact, after I pushed him to go to therapy he told his 75 year old parents that he was raped by this man.

To be honest, he does care about his career. I’m not just protecting him. He does. He just doesn’t make enough to support our family and he doesn’t seem to want to make any changes.

Problably after all the questions I asked… He felt the pressure. So he initiated this morning. But once again… There was NO intercourse. He got too overwhelmed before that could even happen… If you catch my drift.
 
Whatever, hon. I think I have to be done at this point. You go back and forth, forth and back, and can’t seem to make any decisions about what is going on in your life. Your husband is the “default driver” and you seem stuck about what seem to many of us, pretty clearly bright red flags. Personally, given what you’ve said about your husband, I have no idea why you found such a man attractive in the first place, let alone agreeing to marry him and have a child with him. I am married to a man who runs toward narcissism and I have, though therapy, realized that it was my own emotional and psychological deficits that drew me to him and back to him after we’d been apart a long time. He’s the least damaged of any man I’ve ever been with. I’ve had times when I wondered if we should stay together, and he’s nowhere near as messed-up as your husband is, as you describe him.

🤷

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
I appreciate your honest (name removed by moderator)ut. When I’m wrapped up in my own chaos, it’s often hard to take the blinders off. You’ve helped me do that. So thank you…

I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
Question… Separating… Is it awful to do that to him now? His father is coming into town in a few weeks… I know he’s going to flip out.

I just want to do this in a fair manner… And it is the holidays.

I know… I’m too considerate of his feelings, I suppose.
 
Given how dire things are, I think it’s worthwhile to give him an ultimatum about going to a financial counselor and sticking to the counselor’s plan for you. (Be conscious of the possibility he may open up accounts you don’t know about, even in your name. Check your credit record several times a year to avoid surprises. It’s terrible to have to mention that possibility, but that’s where you are.)

On the financial side, the holidays are a good time to start cutting back. It’s easy for spending to spiral out of control then.

(I’m bracketing the gay stuff. In some respects, it’s easier to live with a gay husband than a financially immature one.)
 
Paigepowers2 said:
Question… Separating… Is it awful to do that to him now? His father is coming into town in a few weeks… I know he’s going to flip out.

I just want to do this in a fair manner… And it is the holidays.

I know… I’m too considerate of his feelings, I suppose.
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Yes, you are. You should start thinking of yourself and your son first. Because if you don’t, who will? Certainly not your husband.
 
I went to confession tonight and tried talking to the priest about what I’m up against. Gosh, he was wonderful. Very elequent. He said you know deep in your heart what’s good for you… Like food in Tupperware in the fridge… Some you eat … Others you know will make you sick. He said this in relation to my husband asking me to cross my morale boundaries…

He obviously didn’t tell me what to do… But he absolved from my sins and told me to go off on my “new beginning” with what was only good for my soul.

It was so wonderful…I felt like he understood and in a way helped me feel alright about my decision to leave.
 
May I suggest a book called " woman power" by Laura schlessinger. Changed our marriage. Being 5’9" me what 130/139lbs ( can’t remember exactly)…do you have body issues? Girl, I’m sure you look fantastic. You could probably gain 20 pounds and still look amazing. Remember, the only thing you can do is change yourself, and give him plenty of opportunities to change. Do you have kids?
 
Paigepowers2 said:
I went to confession tonight and tried talking to the priest about what I’m up against. Gosh, he was wonderful. Very elequent. He said you know deep in your heart what’s good for you… Like food in Tupperware in the fridge… Some you eat … Others you know will make you sick. He said this in relation to my husband asking me to cross my morale boundaries…

He obviously didn’t tell me what to do… But he absolved from my sins and told me to go off on my “new beginning” with what was only good for my soul.

It was so wonderful…I felt like he understood and in a way helped me feel alright about my decision to leave.
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I’m genuinely glad for you things went this well. Wonderful.
 
Thanks for your insight. I just had a serious conversation with him and I really don’t know what to think. I’m torn. I guess that is partly because of how things were conveyed to me.

In the end…My husband said reluctantly that he would file bankruptcy with me. He didn’t think it was a smart idea, but said he would do it if necessary.

As for our intimacy problems… He said again that he just didn’t want to “add that stress” to my plate… Since I’ve seemed so stressed out. I asked why he would make that choice just 2 months after me telling him that I was concerned and it was an area that NEEDED work. He really had nothing to say to that.

Then he said that part of His problem is that he feels guilty that his job is going so great and mine isn’t. That’s a VERY untrue statement… Especially since he was placed on a 90 day probation! I honestly don’t know why he would think that. He basically just spent a good deal of time trying to pass the blame.

In the end he said he would “try harder”. But we’ve been in and out of therapy for these same issues for 5 years! I just don’t see today’s chat being more than a time to tell me what I want to hear to get me off his back.

He says he’s been doing laundry and grocery shopping while I write my books… And he doesn’t know what else he can do.

I told him it all starts with him sitting down and telling me he REAlLY wants to fix US and we learn as we go. I said all the laundry in the world won’t do that…he said “okay. I’ll try”.

I am angry at myself for not telling him to move out today. Because i feel like he’s manipulated me again. This isn’t easy.
 
Tell me if I’m being crazy here…it just seems to me after having a serious talk yesterday… Nothing sunk in!
For example, yesterday I made it crystal clear that I was hurt that he didn’t ask about or even attend the bankruptcy lawyer meeting. He initially denied that he knew it was happening and then admitted (sort of) that he did.

Well yesterday I told him that I had a meeting today. He said he had work and could not attend but would be willing at another time. This was crystal clear.

Well I had a meeting this morning. He AGAIN didn’t even ASK how it went. So If I bring that up… He will say I’m rubbing his nose in it or ive got him on egg shells… So he just forgot. I can predict the response.

But do you see what I’m getting at? I have threatened separation before. He threatened suicide a couple if years ago so I gave in and forgave him. So yesterday I almost told him to start looking for a place, but I wanted to be civil. I told him that we were at the end of the road with unfixed problems and it takes his commitment (and mine) to solve this. I asked for his action plan… He didn’t say much other than “I’ll try harder”.

But he couldn’t even ask about my meeting? AGAiN! It’s proof that he just seems to not truly care…
 
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