Moral dilemma regarding my parents cremains

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Lucy_1

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My parents died a couple of years ago and were cremated. They were not religious, and had no wishes and left no instructions about their funeral or burial. I am the executor of the estate. My only relative is my sister, whom I am estranged from and who lives in another state.

I want to give my parents a simple burial. I told her this in July. She said she needed time to think it over, but never got back to me. I emailed her again recently, because I need to get it settled before I close out the estate in the beginning of next year.

She emailed me back and said she objects to them being buried (as I thought she would) and says she doesn’t want them to be “trapped underground.” (She has many unorthodox views and is anti-Christian). Nor would she agree to a columbarium. Instead she wants all of us as a family (meaning me, my husband and kids, as she isn’t married and has no kids) to scatter my parents ashes, and she wants to take some of my mom’s ashes home with her.

Obviously I can’t scatter ashes as a Catholic, nor can I be witness to it. But if I disregard her wishes it will cause further family rift, and probably sever our relationship completely, as it’s hanging by a thread. So I’m at a loss. Is it permissible to give her the ashes she requests since my parents weren’t Catholic? Does family preservation take precedence over keeping the ashes intact?

The best idea I’ve had so far is to email her and say that because I’m Catholic, I’m forbidden to scatter ashes and believe it is against the dignity of the person., but that I’d like to have a family dinner (even though I really wouldn’t as she is quite unpleasant and frankly, I’m a bit afraid to be around her, but I’m willing to do it in a restaurant for the sake of family). I know she will not understand this at all. She will be angry, and will very likely demand some of my mothers ashes. Help.
 
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You are the executor, and I assume we’re closed or appointed for a good reason. You also have made attempts to reconcile your siblings desire for them not to be buried underground. Satisfying your sister at the expense of doing what is right (and your faith) shouldn’t be on the table. Inter them as you should and just explain that to your sister. From what little you stated, nothing short of having it her way, will satisfy anyway.
 
You were chosen to be and accepted the position of executor–it is your job to make the final decision here.

It seems that you are way more concerned about unity between you and her than she is, and family unity is not a proportionate reason for doing something wrong.

You are concerned that she has been hurt (as mentioned in your previous thread which you linked), but she is an adult, and her problems are her responsibility.

It would not help her for you to give in on this point, and it would be bad for you.

I would inform her of the plans–Dear Sister, There will be an internment at this place at this time and lunch afterwards. We all hope you will be able to come and look forward to seeing you. Love, Lucy_1

And if she gives you a hard time, just say that you are sorry that she has a problem with the plan but you hope she will be able to come anyway.

And do not under any circumstances try to explain why you did it or get her to see it your way. She will not get it, so there is no need to even try–again, it will not help her and will be bad for you. Just keep repeating the above if you can’t change the subject or end the conversation.

It is her job to learn to deal with not being in charge.

And I hope that your husband is offering moral support through all this!!!
 
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I agree with the above two posters.

You’re the executor, so you get to decide what happens with your parents’ cremains, since they did not leave any instructions. Your sister doesn’t get a say.

If your relationship with your sister is so tenuous anyway, then there’s no point in violating your own beliefs in order to satisfy her, because she’ll just find something else to have a problem with next week.

Inter or bury your parents’ cremains, invite your sister to the interment, and if she decides to skip it or cut you off, too bad but it’s on her, not you. I also agree with the advice to not bother trying to explain it to your sister or defend your action to your sister. Just tell her this is how it’s going to be, and it’s not up for discussion.
 
You are the executor. Not your estranged sister. Do what you know is right. Don’t even bother discussing it with her further. She has already told you her feelings, which you are unable to follow, and she has shown you that she really has no wish to keep that thread from breaking anyway, so do what is right and good.
 
OK, I will tell her. Please pray she doesn’t sue me. I’m really warn down from the last two years. I never knew, but I guess it’s really common I families to have tons of drama after a loved one dies. So bizarre to me.
 
If you’re the executor, I’m not sure how she would have any legal standing to sue you (this does not constitute legal advice, just me giving an opinion here). Talk to your lawyer if you’re concerned. I’ll pray for you.
 
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Also don’t see why you’d have any reason to fear a lawsuit, also not giving you legal advice.
 
This is absolutely true, and I have made this mistake with her over and over. Maybe now I’ve learned my lesson. Somewhere in my youth I wrongly concluded that Christian love meant bending over backward to accommodate people. Sadly, I may have displeased God while trying to please HIm. At least I thought I was trying to please Him. Maybe I was just pleasing people or my own ego. It’s discouraging to try to do the right thing and have it be the wrong thing
Tis_Bearself said:
If you’re the executor, I’m not sure how she would have any legal standing to sue you (this does not constitute legal advice, just me giving an opinion here). Talk to your lawyer if you’re concerned. I’ll pray for you.
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RolandThompsonGunner said:
Also don’t see why you’d have any reason to fear a lawsuit, also not giving you legal advice.
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She wouldn’t have any legal standing, but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t do it anyway. She’s not very rational. I’m not worried about the outcome, I just don’t want to have to go through all that. I’m so t i r e d.
Irishmom2 said:
I wouldn’t tell her til afterward.
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Good idea, though I would feel guilty about it. I’ll give it a lot of consideration though, because my conscience just isn’t well formed about stuff like this.
 
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The other thing about people like your sister is that they do not understand subtleties. You have to be very clear in what you are saying and in holding the line. If you are being nice, she sees it as an invitation to walk all over you, not necessarily consciously, but because she is considering what she would be communicating if she were communicating as you are.
 
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Off the top of my head, I do not know that the handling of the cremains of a non-Catholic is addressed in Catholic teaching, let alone law.

Your parents were not Christian, your sister seems to not be Catholic.

The Church rules on cremation have changed over the years, this is practice more than doctrine. I’d consult with your Chancery Office to see if you are permitted to allow your sister to scatter the ashes.
 
Your sister’s ideas sound pretty unorthodox even by non-Catholic standards. She wants to scatter all of your dad’s ashes and some of your mom’s ashes and keep the rest of your mom’s ashes at home with her. Most people would at least want to scatter all of both of their ashes together or keep all of both of their ashes at home. It just seems plain weird to want to scatter all of one of their ashes with some of the other one’s ashes and keep the rest of one person’s ashes at home.

Anyway, here is how I see this for what it is worth:

Your personal preference was to bury them. That option is totally unacceptable to your sister.

Your sister’s personal preference is as above. That option is totally unacceptable to you.

So, you compromise. Tell her the only compromise you are willing to make is to have them interred in a columbarium. That way they are not “trapped underground” but you are also respecting the teachings of the Church. She should at least agree to meet you half way. If you bury them, you are completely ignoring her preferences, and if you scatter them/keep some of mom’s ashes at home, she is completely ignoring your preferences. If you go with a columbarium, neither of you are getting all your own way, but you are also respecting each other’s preferences insofar as it is not totally unacceptable to either of you.

If she puts up an argument, point out (1) that she is being selfish and unreasonable by refusing to compromise and (2) you are the executor, so you are already doing her a favor by even giving her a say in this - by rights, you are entitled to do as you please without taking her wishes into consideration at all or even consulting or informing her.
 
I was going to try to give her a tiny amount of my mother’s ashes, but I emailed the tribunal, and they said it’s not allowed, even though my parents weren’t Catholic. I’m still considering it anyway. But I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because she just cut all communication with me since I told her I can’t scatter their ashes.

I feel sad and guilty, even though I don’t think I did anything wrong. She’s always been a difficult person, so it’s not like I lost a good friendship, but she’s the only relative I have because both my parents were only children. And I’m also worried about her because she has no friends, husband or children.
Well, it is what it is, I guess.
 
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It is unfortunate that she choose to act in that manner, but you are not the cause. The dignity of a person (or their remains) is not dependent on their religion. Perhaps at some point she will initiate a relationship with you; until such a time, keep her in your prayers and be open to such contact.
 
Might she accept burial at sea? Depositing cremains in a solid urn into the sea is a morally permissible, but not preferred, method of burial.
 
I am sorry that I have an addendum to add, and understand if no one is keeping up with this saga. My sister has emailed me again asking for a response to her request, even though I specifically told her that I wouldn’t be emailing her until after the Thanksgiving because my daughter has been in the hospital. I don’t understand how this can suddenly be so important when she never even mentioned it until I brought it up. I am irritated with myself because I am unable to set boundaries and because she keeps running over them. Can anyone give me advice about how to set a firm boundary with someone who doesn’t respect you?
 
Perhaps start by not responding until after thanksgiving as you told her. Just because someone, family or not, demands you act doesn’t mean you are required to do so.
 
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