Moral Dilemma - What should I do?

[Zeemeermin]

You say you struggle with porn addiction. Seems to me that you should never be on a computer, then. Same line of thinking as in your OP.

 

[LittleOne1]

I would say also if she has serious issues with so many family members dying it might be best for her to have a professional counselor trained in this area. This is not to say she is majorly depressed, but we all may need a professional counselor at some point and I would not put the job on yourself to be the sole person to get her through this. I might say since you had a problem with sexual sins in the past and she knows where you stand, suggest going to a more private area in public like a park bench or maybe go for a walk on a trail. That way you would be less likely to be tempted to do something. But I would also think a professional counselor maybe something she should look into, any of us can use this in our life when we go through rough spots.

 

[pcg2]

To me, there is a huge possibility of this becoming an occasion of sin–I don’t want to spell it out

How so? I wouldn’t be at her house. And if I was, her parents would be there… we have never done anything sexual with one another. Yes, we will be alone, but I am not going to try to “hit” on her. When I say lust, I mean “thoughts”, not fornication.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Sounds to me like she’s emotional gasoline and you’re a box of matches. You’re trying to think through whether it’s sinful for you to go over there and see if any of the matches will be struck, knowing you have virtually no power to prevent it.

I think you know where you are with this.

 

[pcg2]

I’m going to be blunt.

For goodness sake, stop vacillating and just go and be a good friend. If your vocation in life is to be a therapist, then you’ll know full well that anyone behaving towards someone in such a therapeutic supportive sense would be absolutely stark staring mad to consider a physical or lustful relationship with the person they’re supposed to be supporting, since it would be beyond any boundaries of ethics. This is one of those situations. If you can’t cope with that concept you’ll be useless as a therapist whenever you encounter someone who, in any other situation, you’d identify as attractive.

Go and be her friend. Stop dilly-dallying around man. You do yourself and her no favours by doing so.

Ya, I guess you’re right. I’m going to meet her sometimes this afternoon. Thanks for the help.

And just for your information, I suffer from scrupulosity. I don’t say that to justify any of my actions/inactions, but only so you (and others reading this) could understand where I’m coming from and why I am having such a dilemma with this situation.

Having scrupulosity and a sexual addiction at the same time make it difficult to make rational decisions in this area.

 

[pcg2]

You say you struggle with porn addiction. Seems to me that you should never be on a computer, then. Same line of thinking as in your OP.

Like I said, it has only been recently (last month or so) that I have been lusting after her. This past month was a bad month in terms of my addiction - lot’s of lusting going on. So in this case, if she were to be dressed immodestly, and based off of my actions the past month, I most likely wouldn’t be able to be chaste. The computer on the other hand, is not a near occasion of sin for me. I can go on the computer and not go to anything bad. I try to make sure to not go on the computer when I’m bored.

 

[pcg2]

Sounds to me like she’s emotional gasoline and you’re a box of matches. You’re trying to think through whether it’s sinful for you to go over there and see if any of the matches will be struck, knowing you have virtually no power to prevent it.

I think you know where you are with this.

No, I don’t This is confusing. Some people are telling me to go, some not. It seems like I’d be sinning either way

 

[DexUK]

Having scrupulosity and a sexual addiction at the same time make it difficult to make rational decisions in this area.

I do understand, and you have my complete sympathy. It’s why you need a blunt answer - anything nuanced is just going to make you go round in circles.

 

[pcg2]

So basically, from a moral theology standpoint, you’re asking if there is a justifying reason for placing yourself in the occasion of sin.

We are called to avoid the near occasion of sin (i.e. to avoid placing ourselves in situation where we would be tempted to sin); however, if a justifying reason exists, we can do so. Jimmy Akin gives the example of a father walking into a pornographic movie theater in order to remove his daughter who has been taken there. The images will certainly tempt him, but rescuing his daughter makes it a justifiable risk.

I am not your spiritual director, and I know only the details you have provided, so I can’t tell you definitively. However, my opinion is that there is absolutely a justifying reason! She has experienced a tremendous loss and is reaching out to you, specifically! For you to turn your back on her because you might be tempted to sin would do her a grave disservice. That could very easily be a sin of omission.

It would be one thing if you were contemplating whether or not to stop by and show some support to a casual acquaintance who was undergoing this same tragedy. But she is a close friend who has specifically asked for you to meet with her in person. That is a whole different story.

Certainly, you can talk about this with a trusted priest or spiritual director. But I think it would be remiss not to be there for your friend during this time of great tragedy.

So you believe this is a justifiable reason to put myself in (what might be) a near occasion of sin?

 

[Joe_5859]

Grr… I had thought from your previous post that it would be okay, and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a trusted priest to go to. At our huge parish we only have 2 priests right now and I wouldn’t be able to get in contact with any one of them on such short notice.

The reason she wants to see me so badly is because of the fact that, in all humility, God has blessed me with with the gift of really being able to counsel people and have insight into their problems (one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist). So my friends come to me for help. Not to say that her girlfriends won’t help her, I think it’s just that I am her best guy friend and so she really wants me to be there for her

I didn’t mean to undercut my previous post. If you thought there was a legitimate chance that she was calling on you because she was so emotionally distraught that she wants to throw herself at you and the two of you would then engage in illicit sexual activity, then I would say that would be a good reason to avoid the situation.

In light of what you have described in your second paragraph and the fact that you struggle with scrupulosity, it seems unlikely to me that that is the case.

 

[pcg2]

I didn’t mean to undercut my previous post. If you thought there was a legitimate chance that she was calling on you because she was so emotionally distraught that she wants to throw herself at you and the two of you would then engage in illicit sexual activity, then I would say that would be a good reason to avoid the situation.

In light of what you have described in your second paragraph and the fact that you struggle with scrupulosity, it seems unlikely to me that that is the case.

Oh no of course not. We have never done anything sexual with one another. My problem was whether I might “think” lustful thoughts, not physically carry them out in the form of fornication.

I think I have made my decision. I am going to pray about it, offer up my anxiety/possible temptations to God, and go and comfort my friend at a public park this afternoon.

Thank you everybody for your kind insight and help

 

[Joe_5859]

Oh no of course not. We have never done anything sexual with one another. My problem was whether I might “think” lustful thoughts, not physically carry them out in the form of fornication.

I think I have made my decision. I am going to pray about it, offer up my anxiety/possible temptations to God, and go and comfort my friend at a public park this afternoon.

Thank you everybody for your kind insight and help

I will say a prayer for both you and your friend. I pray you are able to offer her some help and comfort during this trying time. God bless!

 

[Zeemeermin]

And just for your information, I suffer from scrupulosity. I don’t say that to justify any of my actions/inactions, but only so you (and others reading this) could understand where I’m coming from and why I am having such a dilemma with this situation.

Having scrupulosity and a sexual addiction at the same time make it difficult to make rational decisions in this area.

To be honest, I expected you to say this at some point. The tone of all your posts on this thread indicated it. You are right that it is impairing your ability to make rational decisions. I hope you have or can find a good spiritual director who can help you minimize this problem.

 

[St_Francis]

How so? I wouldn’t be at her house. And if I was, her parents would be there…

[gently] Well, I didn’t know that, did I?

we have never done anything sexual with one another. Yes, we will be alone, but I am not going to try to “hit” on her. When I say lust, I mean “thoughts”, not fornication.

I was just trying to bring out some of the problems inherent in any sort of situation when one person is in trouble and the other person is a member of the opposite sex. In fact, on the rare occasions when I recommend that someone see a counselor of some sort, I also recommend a counselor of the same sex. To be perfectly honest, women often unconsciously pull the wool over a man’s eyes, women often reach out for physical comfort which is difficult for men to handle, etc. These are all dangers which *might *come up.

We are advising you based on what you wrote here; only you know enough about the full situation to be able to make the final decision.

And it seems that you did decide to go and see her, and I hope that it went well. I’ll keep her in my prayers, as losing 6 members of your family at once is simply devastating.

 

[MtGargano]

While I appreciate you attempts to “help” me, your presumptions and outright judgmentalism were not very charitable. You are right, I am selfish. I am a terrible sinner. I don’t deny that. I struggle mightily with addictions to pornography and masturbation, and have been trying desperately to end them for the sake of Jesus. I asked this question out of love for my friend. The last thing I want to do is lust after her again and see her as an object. To say that she needs to find a better friend is pretty ridiculous. The only reason I am here asking this question is because I want to love her, and because I wanted to know the right thing to do.

Jesus didn’t struggle with an addiction as I do. Not to make excuses for my behavior, though. I’m just saying that I want to do the right thing which is why I came here to see what that is. It’s not as if I have made up my mind yet as to what to do.

Peace be with you homie

Friend, we struggle with the temptation to physically lust everyday, It is our human nature.

If we do not stop these thoughts before impure satisfaction results, whether mental or physical, they become sin, and Mortal sin at that… I believe Christ spoke of this in Matthew 5 v28 " But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart".

Adultery, uhhg…thats one of the Big ones, Masterbation, uhhg…another impure self gratification where that sinful satisfaction, this time physical, is complete and consented to…this will not do

If you wish to be a slave to these sins no longer, go to mass and communion everyday, pray the rosary every morning, go to confession often, go to Adoration/Exposition often, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy everyday at 3pm, wear the brown scapular, and i guarantee you will not masterbate ever again, watch pornography of any type period, and you will not bring impure thoughts to satisfaction regarding the women you meet and see throughout your day…you will become unwilling to consent to offending God, and a slave to these sins no longer…

i understand the issue with your friend is immediate, but beginning as early as tomorrow, you can become released from that slavery once and for all.

God Bless

and He will…

 

[Pregustator]

Are you sure you aren’t confusing lust with simple, honest physical attraction?

It isn’t a sin to be sexually attracted to women. To say lust implies that all the while this poor creature would be pouring her heart out to you about a tremendous tragedy that’s just devastated her, you’d be sitting there soley thinking of ways to get her in bed, and then trying to do it. And I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case.

Lust is a sin, of course, but bear in mind what lust is as opposed to what mere human attraction is. It implies a conscious decision to commit sin if it the opportunity would ever present itself, doesn’t it? Well, that opportunity certainly isn’t going to present itself in the scenario you’ve described if you have any self-control, whatever, even if someone in her situation would be remotely interested in anything sexual at such a devastating moment.

At any rate, if you have lusted after this woman in the past, a change of attire at this point won’t change matters, really, will it? By your logic, you would have to avoid encountering any beautiful woman in less than modest attire, and good luck with that!

I think you should focus on her sorrow and need for comfort rather than on her clothes, and be the good friend–and the Catholic gentleman–you’re fully capable of being.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Pregustator]

If you wish to be a slave to these sins no longer, go to mass and communion everyday, pray the rosary every morning, go to confession often, go to Adoration/Exposition often, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy everyday at 3pm, wear the brown scapular, and i guarantee you will not masterbate ever again, watch pornography of any type period, and you will not bring impure thoughts to satisfaction regarding the women you meet and see throughout your day…you will become unwilling to consent to offending God, and a slave to these sins no longer…

That’s an awfully strong guarantee to make to somebody. Many good Catholics struggle mightily against temptations of the flesh using the means you’ve outlined…and then fall…over, and over again. Catholic devotions aren’t lucky charms that make sin and temptation magically disappear.

When you fall again, and you more than likely will, confess, repent, and try again. I believe Our Lord isn’t so much concerned how many times we fall off the wagon, so to speak, as he is with how many times we get back on it.

Obviously, developing a deep faith and spirituality will help, not hinder one’s struggle. But it will not utterly vanquish it, overnight. There are often deep-seated psychological involved and there is nothing wrong with seeking psychological assistance, as well as Divine. For many, they go hand-in-hand.

Every man is different, and every man’s struggles take on unique dimensions: there isn’t one simple cure for every man’s struggle against temptation. Jesus Christ is the ultimate answer, of course, but there are many different paths to his heart.

 

[MtGargano]

That’s an awfully strong guarantee to make to somebody. Many good Catholics struggle mightily against temptations of the flesh using the means you’ve outlined…and then fall…over, and over again. Catholic devotions aren’t lucky charms that make sin and temptation magically disappear.

When you fall again, and you more than likely will, confess, repent, and try again. I believe Our Lord isn’t so much concerned how many times we fall off the wagon, so to speak, as he is with how many times we get back on it.

Obviously, developing a deep faith and spirituality will help, not hinder one’s struggle. But it will not utterly vanquish it, overnight. There are often deep-seated psychological involved and there is nothing wrong with seeking psychological assistance, as well as Divine. For many, they go hand-in-hand.

Every man is different, and every man’s struggles take on unique dimensions: there isn’t one simple cure for every man’s struggle against temptation. Jesus Christ is the ultimate answer, of course, but there are many different paths to his heart.

I wouldnt make this guarantee, if i didnt know it worked…

 

[Zeemeermin]

If you wish to be a slave to these sins no longer, go to mass and communion everyday, pray the rosary every morning, go to confession often, go to Adoration/Exposition often, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy everyday at 3pm, wear the brown scapular, and i guarantee you will not masterbate ever again, watch pornography of any type period, and you will not bring impure thoughts to satisfaction regarding the women you meet and see throughout your day…

Ridiculous. You cannot make such a guarantee.

I wouldnt make this guarantee, if i didnt know it worked…

Your anecdotal experience proves nothing. It worked for you, and that’s all it means. Making suggestions is fine, but you can guarantee nothing.

 

[MtGargano]

Ridiculous. You cannot make such a guarantee.

Your anecdotal experience proves nothing. It worked for you, and that’s all it means. Making suggestions is fine, but you can guarantee nothing.

“anecdotal” ?..hardly…my guarantee was based on sytematic evaluation over 4yrs plus…your response proves nothing, except that it would be hard for you and perhaps others to do, i didnt say it would be easy…i didnt say it was the only method, and i didnt say it would happen overnight…he was looking for a method of stopping his sin…i gave him one that i know works…

Peace