Moral dilemma with family member 'living in sin'

[whatevergirl]

My sister divorced her husband a few years ago; before the legal divorce was granted, she started seeing a married man. He left his wife, for my sister…and now they are still dating. Neither have had annulments. She has grown children (she is 10 yrs his senior, and he has 3 children, ages 1-8) Yes, you do the math–she has been dating him for a few years, and he has a one year old with his wife. Whatever, besides the point, but I’m just giving you some details of the situation. There are other details that I’ll leave out, but suffice to say, this is the gist of the situation, I have a question on.

In the past few conversations with my sister, I cannot help but wonder what she is thinking, to ‘overlook’ this man’s behavior. I mean, she went to Catholic school, we were raised in a stern Catholic family…doesn’t her faith mean a thing to her anymore? However, I have never judged him, but have pointed out to her some of the ‘red flags’ of getting involved with this guy.

So–my question is…if they decide to get married, wouldn’t it be wrong for me to witness two Catholics, especially a family member, remarrying, without proper annulments? I have not talked to her about annulments, and don’t plan to…she’s a grown woman, and can live the life she chooses. But, as a Catholic, something tells me that it would be wrong to witness a union and vows exchanged between two people who cultivated a relationship on lies. I also believe that when relationships are based on deceit and lies from the beginning, God’s blessing is not falling on that relationship. What is your take?

 

[LittleRose]

Are they in immediate danger of marrying?

 

[whatevergirl]

Are they in immediate danger of marrying?

well, my sister recently told me that she never ever wants to get married again. but, this man she is dating is only 40…i could see him wanting to remarry. but, no they are not getting married, as of yet. i am just wondering IF they do–would it be wise for me not to attend?

 

[Liberian]

Whatever Girl,

You have raised a rather difficult question–at least I find it difficult. On the one hand, you do not want to countenance immorality; on the other hand, she is still your sister no matter what her behavior may be, and you do have family ties. My solution (and I make no pretense at knowing that it is the right solution) is not to attend a formal event but to continue to maintain contact with the people involved. I am not particularly comfortable with this solution, but I am even less comfortable with the alternative.

• Liberian

 

[mosher]

So–my question is…if they decide to get married, wouldn’t it be wrong for me to witness two Catholics, especially a family member, remarrying, without proper annulments? I have not talked to her about annulments, and don’t plan to…she’s a grown woman, and can live the life she chooses. But, as a Catholic, something tells me that it would be wrong to witness a union and vows exchanged between two people who cultivated a relationship on lies. I also believe that when relationships are based on deceit and lies from the beginning, God’s blessing is not falling on that relationship. What is your take?

Yes it would be wrong for you to even attend the wedding knowing that it will not be valid.

However, why is it that you are hesitant to speak with them about the annulment process. This is directly related to you and as we know we are our brothers keeper. I would submit that you have an obligation to speak to her about these things because her immortal soul is in peril. To do otherwise for the sake of “keeping the peace” is not love in the Christian sense.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes it would be wrong for you to even attend the wedding knowing that it will not be valid.

However, why is it that you are hesitant to speak with them about the annulment process. This is directly related to you and as we know we are our brothers keeper. I would submit that you have an obligation to speak to her about these things because her immortal soul is in peril. To do otherwise for the sake of “keeping the peace” is not love in the Christian sense.

well…well…hmmm…lol…where to begin. the thing is, my sister really isn’t a ‘practicing’ Catholic right now. She attends church, she says, but doesn’t receive communion. (so she must feel that how she is living is wrong, i would gather from that?) I discussed annulments with her a few months ago (I realized that we did have a conversation after I posted my original question above–but it was fleeting, so that could be why it slipped my mind when posting this), and she said that she was married for 28 years, and that to say that marriage wasn’t valid, would be a lie, she feels. so…that poses another question…how can one get an annulment, knowing that their marriage did mean something for a long time, and was valid, as she got married to her husband way back when, in a Catholic church? Know what I mean? I hear what you are saying…I don’t think we should condemn those we love, as Jesus was never condemning, but He was confronting, in a loving way. I tried that, and now for the past few months, she hasn’t been calling me, returning my calls/emails…looks like she might be angry with me over this? I don’t know. I read yesterday, that Jesus told His followers to even ‘renounce’ one’s family if you have to, in order to follow Me. Hmm…I wonder if we are to not worry so much about keeping the peace within our families, as much as we are to speak the truth when necessary. I have tried in my own way to witness to her, but she is not at a place in her life, where she is ready to commit herself to the Church. So, she probably looks at annulments as …what’s the point, I’m not practicing, anyways.

I don’t know if this makes sense, but that’s the crux of it. I’ve tried. I talked about all this with my parish priest, and he said that the ball is in her court. You cannot force your sister to love you, to want to be in your life, or force her back to Christ. She has to come on her own accord…but, it was wise of me to witness to her. It’s now up to her. We can help the process, but only God can truly bring someone back to Him…and only if that person’s heart is open to it. It’s a tough situation, because I feel that she is in a relationship that is truly not blessed by God. God wouldn’t tell us to commit adultery…covet another man’s wife, and then we will live happily ever after. LOL EEK. I think she is on a destructive path…and I pray she will be enlightened by the Holy Spirit to be led back to Christ. If she fully embraces the Church again, everything else will fall into place. (I think)

 

[MilesXpisti]

well…well…hmmm…lol…where to begin. the thing is, my sister really isn’t a ‘practicing’ Catholic right now. She attends church, she says, but doesn’t receive communion. (so she must feel that how she is living is wrong, i would gather from that?) I discussed annulments with her a few months ago (I realized that we did have a conversation after I posted my original question above–but it was fleeting, so that could be why it slipped my mind when posting this), and she said that she was married for 28 years, and that to say that marriage wasn’t valid, would be a lie, she feels. so…that poses another question…how can one get an annulment, knowing that their marriage did mean something for a long time, and was valid, as she got married to her husband way back when, in a Catholic church? Know what I mean? I hear what you are saying…I don’t think we should condemn those we love, as Jesus was never condemning, but He was confronting, in a loving way. I tried that, and now for the past few months, she hasn’t been calling me, returning my calls/emails…looks like she might be angry with me over this? I don’t know. I read yesterday, that Jesus told His followers to even ‘renounce’ one’s family if you have to, in order to follow Me. Hmm…I wonder if we are to not worry so much about keeping the peace within our families, as much as we are to speak the truth when necessary. I have tried in my own way to witness to her, but she is not at a place in her life, where she is ready to commit herself to the Church. So, she probably looks at annulments as …what’s the point, I’m not practicing, anyways.

I don’t know if this makes sense, but that’s the crux of it. I’ve tried. I talked about all this with my parish priest, and he said that the ball is in her court. You cannot force your sister to love you, to want to be in your life, or force her back to Christ. She has to come on her own accord…but, it was wise of me to witness to her. It’s now up to her. We can help the process, but only God can truly bring someone back to Him…and only if that person’s heart is open to it. It’s a tough situation, because I feel that she is in a relationship that is truly not blessed by God. God wouldn’t tell us to commit adultery…covet another man’s wife, and then we will live happily ever after. LOL EEK. I think she is on a destructive path…and I pray she will be enlightened by the Holy Spirit to be led back to Christ. If she fully embraces the Church again, everything else will fall into place. (I think)

You must remember what Christ said to do when confronting them in love did not work:

…if thy brother shall offend against thee, go, and rebuke him between thee and him alone. If he shall hear thee, thou shalt gain thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, take with thee one or two more: that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may stand. And if he will not hear them: tell the church. And if he will not hear the church, let him be to thee as the heathen and publican. Secundum Matthæm 18, 15-17

I would suggest you pray for her continually and ask the intercession of Our Lady for her chastity while she is yet still married to her husband, and pray to St. Joseph for the man, that he remain faithful to his wife.

 

[mosher]

well…well…hmmm…lol…where to begin. the thing is, my sister really isn’t a ‘practicing’ Catholic right now. She attends church, she says, but doesn’t receive communion. (so she must feel that how she is living is wrong, i would gather from that?) I discussed annulments with her a few months ago (I realized that we did have a conversation after I posted my original question above–but it was fleeting, so that could be why it slipped my mind when posting this), and she said that she was married for 28 years, and that to say that marriage wasn’t valid, would be a lie, she feels. so…that poses another question…how can one get an annulment, knowing that their marriage did mean something for a long time, and was valid, as she got married to her husband way back when, in a Catholic church? Know what I mean? I hear what you are saying…I don’t think we should condemn those we love, as Jesus was never condemning, but He was confronting, in a loving way. I tried that, and now for the past few months, she hasn’t been calling me, returning my calls/emails…looks like she might be angry with me over this? I don’t know. I read yesterday, that Jesus told His followers to even ‘renounce’ one’s family if you have to, in order to follow Me. Hmm…I wonder if we are to not worry so much about keeping the peace within our families, as much as we are to speak the truth when necessary. I have tried in my own way to witness to her, but she is not at a place in her life, where she is ready to commit herself to the Church. So, she probably looks at annulments as …what’s the point, I’m not practicing, anyways.

I don’t know if this makes sense, but that’s the crux of it. I’ve tried. I talked about all this with my parish priest, and he said that the ball is in her court. You cannot force your sister to love you, to want to be in your life, or force her back to Christ. She has to come on her own accord…but, it was wise of me to witness to her. It’s now up to her. We can help the process, but only God can truly bring someone back to Him…and only if that person’s heart is open to it. It’s a tough situation, because I feel that she is in a relationship that is truly not blessed by God. God wouldn’t tell us to commit adultery…covet another man’s wife, and then we will live happily ever after. LOL EEK. I think she is on a destructive path…and I pray she will be enlightened by the Holy Spirit to be led back to Christ. If she fully embraces the Church again, everything else will fall into place. (I think)

You have a large opportunity for prayer. I think the judgment of your priest is good and timely. It also sounds like your sister does not understand what an annulment is. This is an opportunity for you yourself to educate yourself about what an annulment is and why it exists. There are many resources online and in books that are very good for educational purposes. The more you know about this the more you will be able to help when the time comes.

On the point about her not practicing we must remember that it doesn’t matter. Once a person is Catholic then they are bound by Canon Law and all that it contains. One cannot cease to be Catholic by not going to Mass or to just consider themselves “not Catholic” but rather they must submit a formal letter to their Bishop who in turn must receive it in effect “demitting” from the Church. Unless something like this is done then the person is bound by all legal aspects of the Church.

I do not envy your position as I know that in time I will have to deal with it again in my own life. The blessing that I received concerning the first time I went through this was that fences were mended fairly quickly. I will pray that the same will happen for you.

 

[whatevergirl]

You have a large opportunity for prayer. I think the judgment of your priest is good and timely. It also sounds like your sister does not understand what an annulment is. This is an opportunity for you yourself to educate yourself about what an annulment is and why it exists. There are many resources online and in books that are very good for educational purposes. The more you know about this the more you will be able to help when the time comes.

On the point about her not practicing we must remember that it doesn’t matter. Once a person is Catholic then they are bound by Canon Law and all that it contains. One cannot cease to be Catholic by not going to Mass or to just consider themselves “not Catholic” but rather they must submit a formal letter to their Bishop who in turn must receive it in effect “demitting” from the Church. Unless something like this is done then the person is bound by all legal aspects of the Church.

I do not envy your position as I know that in time I will have to deal with it again in my own life. The blessing that I received concerning the first time I went through this was that fences were mended fairly quickly. I will pray that the same will happen for you.

thank you for your kind words…I have been praying the Rosary for her nightly…that she will be led back to Christ. Once we are led back to Christ–He takes care of the part that we can’t on our own. Until then, if she wants to give me the silent treatment, then I will have to be patient. thank you to all who gave me such great words of encouragement and advice…you’re all the best!