Moral + Family Dilemma

[JCmaniac]

New member to the board seeking advice.

I met my girlfriend in college several years ago, and graduated last may. I am doing well post-college and am able and ready to support her. She will be graduating college this December and is moving to Austin to join me. She comes from a family that is unable to help support her, and has relied on student loans and Scholarships to make her way through college.

I will marry her, and we plan to engage when she finishes school and moves here. However, marriage will not come for more than a year.

The best option for her living situation in both of our minds is for her to move into my condo when she finishes school, however, both of our families are outraged at the thought of us living together before we are married.

Given her situation is this so wrong? What should we do?

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[quasimodo]

New member to the board seeking advice.

I met my girlfriend in college several years ago, and graduated last may. I am doing well post-college and am able and ready to support her. She will be graduating college this December and is moving to Austin to join me. She comes from a family that is unable to help support her, and has relied on student loans and Scholarships to make her way through college.

I will marry her, and we plan to engage when she finishes school and moves here. However, marriage will not come for more than a year.

The best option for her living situation in both of our minds is for her to move into my condo when she finishes school, however, both of our families are outraged at the thought of us living together before we are married.

Given her situation is this so wrong? What should we do?

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

yes it would be wrong. one should not enter into an immoral situation because it saves money. Even if you live chastly it would be an occassion for scandal. Why postpone the wedding?

 

[leonie]

yes it would be wrong. One should not enter into an immoral situation because it saves money. Even if you live chastly it would be an occasion for scandal. Why postpone the wedding?

I agree. If you can afford to live together, just get married. I don’t see the point in delaying the marriage if you are okay financially.

Whatever arrangements you make for chaste living, many many people (think of younger sibs and cousins) will assume you are sleeping together. They will think, JC is such a good Catholic, if he lived with his girlfriend, it’s okay for me.

Listen to your parents, they are looking out for you.

 

[rwoehmke]

Your families are quite correct in their acessment of this bsituation. Two of my children, I have six, took this route to “save money”. Made sense you know. In both cases their first child was born shortly after the wedding. What you are proposing is like playing with matches next to an open can of gasoline. Nothing may happen, but it usually does. Men and women, planning to be married someday, that love one another are simply not designed to live together without having a sexual relationship. Aside from that fact, there is also the scandal involved. Many will assume that the living arrangements are not platonic. If its OK for these two “good kids” others who may not be quite so good will say to themselves,“If its OK for them, its OK for us.” We as Christians have a responsibility to live in ways that do not help to lead others into sin. You are both old enough, you have the income to survive together, you love one another. Why risk it. Sure to get those school loans and stuff paid off will take some sacrifice;maybe a lot. You will have to control your spending and live frugally for a time. My wife and I spent our first five years of marriage well below the poverty level. I was in graduate school. It was a struggle and we couldn’t just go out and buy stuff like some young folks do today, but we had our love, we had our Faith, as well as two babies and we got there eventually.

 

[rwoehmke]

By the by, we were married in borrowed and rented formal wear and had a reception in my wifes parent’s home serving food we and her mother prepared over the three days before the wedding. We did buy a cake, flowers, and beer. I think the whole thing costs us about 600 bucks. We had probably a hundred guests and family members and had a great time. Breakfast at Moms the day after and back to the University. That was 45 years ago, so figure inflation.

 

[mosher]

Or, if you must postpone the marriage I will give another option. Since she will be swamped with debt why don’t you pay for her rent at her own place. If you plan to marry then your assents are shared anyway so budget for this expenses or pay on her student loans so that she has enough money to pay for rent. There are many solutions to this problem that do not involve entering into an at least scandalous situation.

 

[JCmaniac]

I remain unconvinced. And still don’t understand your, and my family’s issue.

I don’t understand the spin you’ve put on it. She’s not moving in with me to save money; she’s doing it because we love each other and she will be moving here to get married. It just so happens that sharing my condo is the most efficient method of taking care of her.

It seems absurd to me to spend thousands in rent while she could stay with me for free, simply because we would set a bad example. We will be engaged by that point, thus, already have committed ourselves to one another. This is not a scandalous fling.

I also don’t understand the “just get married” suggestions, but that’s somewhat off topic, and we wont have time to start planning until she finishes school, and rushing this is not an option. So I’ll move after saying shame on you, “just get married” implies that it has little significance and is nothing more than an easy ‘live-together pass.’

 

[mosher]

I remain unconvinced. And still don’t understand your, and my family’s issue.

I don’t understand the spin you’ve put on it. She’s not moving in with me to save money; she’s doing it because we love each other and she will be moving here to get married. It just so happens that sharing my condo is the most efficient method of taking care of her.

It seems absurd to me to spend thousands in rent while she could stay with me for free, simply because we would set a bad example. We will be engaged by that point, thus, already have committed ourselves to one another. This is not a scandalous fling.

I also don’t understand the “just get married” suggestions, but that’s somewhat off topic, and we wont have time to start planning until she finishes school, and rushing this is not an option. So I’ll move after saying shame on you, “just get married” implies that it has little significance and is nothing more than an easy ‘live-together pass.’

The issue is primarily two-fold with a third issue floating out there. Being an Aggie I doubt you will take my advice anyway - as you know we are kind of slow. In any case let me try to show you the two primary issues and then we can talk through each one of them.

1. Scandal. We are required to live a life that will not cause sandal to others. If the two of you move in together then it will be assumed by others that you will be indulging in fornication. So, the act of moving in together is a scandal against matrimony for others as has already been demonstrated by the reaction of your families.
2. Commitment. True commitment is only solidified in the bonds of matrimony. I have known several people in my very short life that have called off marriages even during the engagement. Engagement is only an intent to marry but it is not marriage itself which is indissoluble. So, to justify an objectively inappropriate action (in this case living under the same room outside of marriage) such as fornication, cohabitation, etc because of a feeling of love or commitment does not express a mature understanding of either. As love is the desire of the highest good for the other. Above all things love is the desire to not cause any spiritual harm to a person no matter the cost. To enter into an action such as this violates the very basic principle of love itself and does not reconcile with objective truth but only with emotional need and material expediency.
3. The third issue is a touch of materialism that is showing up based on the last post. For the sake of love (desiring the highest good for the other) cost, time, efficiency, etc should not even be a consideration unless it would be a grave consideration. While something may be inconvenient it does not mean that it is of grave matter.

Remember that what is under consideration is your and her immortal soul and not your financial considerations or your convenience. Many times in life we must choose between what is easy and what is right. I hope for the sake of love the two of you choose what is right and not what is easy. I can hear in your posts a great desire to care for your beloved and that is quite admirable. Because of this we must consider what is more important to protect and care for in this case. Is it the material or emotional needs of the woman you love or is it her soul that must be cared for first above all things? The answer to this should be obvious.

 

[BlestOne]

I remain unconvinced. And still don’t understand your, and my family’s issue.

I don’t understand the spin you’ve put on it. She’s not moving in with me to save money; she’s doing it because we love each other and she will be moving here to get married. It just so happens that sharing my condo is the most efficient method of taking care of her.

It seems absurd to me to spend thousands in rent while she could stay with me for free, simply because we would set a bad example. We will be engaged by that point, thus, already have committed ourselves to one another. This is not a scandalous fling.

I also don’t understand the “just get married” suggestions, but that’s somewhat off topic, and we wont have time to start planning until she finishes school, and rushing this is not an option. So I’ll move after saying shame on you, “just get married” implies that it has little significance and is nothing more than an easy ‘live-together pass.’

JC…First of all…as a member of a family you do have a responsibility to any younger siblings or relatives. You do need to set a good example of Christian values! Yes it is scandalous to live together… it is not only putting yourselves in a near occassion to sin, but it also cheapens the whole engagement. With the attitude you are showing, it would be just as easy to say…why wait till marriage? We are engaged. Sex is God’s gift to us in marriage. Show your woman you respect her and her family by not even giving the appearance of impropriety.

Second…I got married last year after dating for 6 yrs, but I planned my wedding in under 6 weeks and it was beautiful and not expensive at all. I had a Nuptial Mass, in a dress that was designer (valued at $500) that I bought brand new on e-bay for 45.99 and I researched and ordered my flowers from Sam’s club and filled the church w/ them for about $100. I made all the bouquets and altar arrangements myself…not to mention the buttoneers (sp?) for the guys and mothers bouquets. Yes I had roses and all!!! My pastor walked in while I was arranging the flowers and he was totally floored… He said they were the most beautiful arrangements he had seen. Vases for the altar were adorned with sheer fabric and ribbon from a cheap dollar store…
For the reception we went casual because we had a bunch of kids… they loved it cause they got to play outside in jeans and their parents loved it because they didn’t worry about messing up outfits or the kids being around alcohol…we were inside they were out. The place I chose had go carts and a corn maze…trust me the kids had a blast and so did the adults. A week after my wedding I was at a college football game and Theresa Grentz (U of I womens bball coach) came up to my boss and asked about the wedding reception at the reindeer ranch she heard about… I turned and introduced myself and said it was my reception… OMGosh…someone famous had heard all about my reception… Now that is a memorable reception…and for under $1000 too!!!

 

[asquared]

I remain unconvinced. And still don’t understand your, and my family’s issue.

I don’t understand the spin you’ve put on it. She’s not moving in with me to save money; she’s doing it because we love each other and she will be moving here to get married. It just so happens that sharing my condo is the most efficient method of taking care of her.
’

if you are not ready to get married, you are not ready to live together, and you have no right to do so. Taking care of each other, in every sense you imply, not merely financial, is a right reserved for the married only.

In blunt terms, since you are asking about our objections, it is my duty to state that it is a mortal sin for you to engage in marital relations until you are lawfully married. Being engaged gives no rights whatever in that realm.

If you are already at the stage of managing your financial and worldly affairs together and making plans about these things together, then you are ready for marriage. If by hesitating, you are motivated by the possibility that you might change your mind in a year or so, then that is all the more reason not to move in together or take on any of the actions proper to marriage, including merging finances.

If this is the girl you want to marry, get married. There is no reason not to. Nothing you suggest will pay off her debts faster or improve your finances together. Work and struggle together in the early years, there is nothing like it to forge the bonds of a lifetime, but do it with the benefit of the sacramental graces of marriage. Put God in control of your lives, not your own opinions, desires and agendas.

 

[MommyZ]

It seems that most of the replies are from married people, and being married myself for 3 years now, I will have to agree with just getting married quickly if you’re ready now is the answer, not just moving in together. Why not get married now? What’s the hesitation? Like BlestOne we also had a wonderfully beautiful, inexpensive wedding. It can be done. If you give into the temptation now of all that implies with the living together, it will only cause problems later on in your marriage.