Moral, not as much Religious

[debraran]

I have a daughter that is very moral, honest and mature for her age, but not overly religous althugh many years of Catholic school. I know at her Catholic college, she doesn’t go to mass every week and although she knows her faith, history wise (don’t argue with that aspect) hasn’t grown into the full meaning of it as she finds herself now, without her family. I know she feels depressed.
She is unhappy around many of the students in her dorm, she doesn’t drink, smoke, sleep around, etc. but doesn’t feel “at home” with the overly religious group on campus. She will say, saying the rosary or doing things like that isn’t what she wants, she wants to go to the movies, talk about life, do volunteer work but can’t think that going to a retreat to pray is a “fun” thing. (although she should give it a chance) I feel my opinion isn’t what she craves. She says many go to church and do things contrary to their faith but I tell her not to judge, just think about herself.
It’s hard being caught in-between, she, I feel has more in common with that crowd, albeit small at her school, but she isn’t 100% behind every Catholic thought…pro-life but not totally against gay marriage unless it’s a religious one, civil is fine. She is for the ban on contraception on campus. She is quiet and not a loud voice.

Has anyone had this experience or a child like that? I was similar and also miserable but I broke away and didn’t “come home” for a while, when I realized the hole. For everyone it is different. Even a priest said once, it’s a gap for young, a void to be moral and good in many ways, but not feel drawn to church…you can be that way, religion doesn’t make morals, but in our society, it is an excuse for not doing things, a crutch maybe, and hard to stand on just your principals untiil the rest falls in place.

Any advice you would give?

 

[Kelfa28]

Does she have many friends at home? Is she going to a school that’s far away?

When I was in college I wasn’t religious in any sense but I had good morals. I didn’t like to drink, smoke, be promiscuous and I wanted to study and do well. I was quiet and felt completely out of place. I didn’t fit in with the party atmosphere nor did I fit in with any of the conservative crowds that seemed to practice their faith with zeal (a majority of them weren’t Catholic anyway and despite my lack of faith at the time, the only religion I could understand was Catholicism).

I found that keeping in touch with my high school friends and hanging out with them when I could, on weekends and such, kept me sane and grounded. Truth be told, I left that school and moved back home in order to work and commute to school and that was a better choice for me. That was much better for me in terms of sanity, health and general well-being.

It sounds like she is trying to discover herself on her own apart from what she knows and what she is used to. Good for her for keeping her morals and convictions. She hasn’t found a spot for herself yet and I think she is trying to figure out life apart from her family and from home, which is seriously difficult and scary.

Does she play sports? Is she into theatre or drama? Maybe there might be an activity on campus she can join that isn’t completely church related but still puts her in touch with kids that don’t go out and party all the time.

I’m not suggesting she forgets Mass…but I think kids need several different outlets that don’t revolve around their church all the time.

 

[Luvtosew]

It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter, good morals and that. I have no advice. I myself as a cradle Catholic, once I graduated from HS, quit attending mass, seems like many of us did, and it sounds like some still do to this day. She still hangs on to the morals taught so well that is a good thing. You did a good job raising her it sounds.

 

[twoangels]

I think this is very common. You have to feel a need for grace in your life to pursue it. You have to see the effects of grace in your life. If you reduce religion to a set of rituals you are required to participate in with a moral law, the question comes up “Why do I need to do these rituals?” You may feel in youself that it doesn’t help you be a better person. You may look at others and say “They’re far worse people than I am and they do the rituals, so obviously its not making them better people.” She may even be looking at you and your family’s flaws as evidence that there is nothing to gain, no growth in holiness to seek after God’s grace.

My advise would be to take a step back and pray for her. By trying to find ways to coerce her, I believe you display your own lack of faith in grace. Its not that you don’t believe in the power of grace at all, but this is an opportunity for you to grow in your own faith. And perhaps as you grow in your own faith, God will use that to witness to her. Or perhaps He will not. Perhaps he will use your prayers through someone else. Or perhaps you will have to pray for your child and live in hope that she one day may open and respond to God in such a way.

At this point, it sounds to me that her faith growing up as been more of a set of rules and rituals. I would consider that if she joined a protestant group for awhile that this would actually be a step forward in her faith life because she is pursuing grace and not just personal moral human goodness. If she continues to follow Christ, eventually he would lead her back to the Catholic Church, but being inside the Church without a heart directed at Christ is less than being a faithful protestant. Catholicism may offer fountains of grace that pours into us and into the soul and creates underground streams that protestants outside of the Church dig wells to get at.

 

[chevalier]

My sister is similar and I was a little similar in that while I wouldn’t skip a day of obligation, I wouldn’t go to church or prayer groups or anything of the sort (except days of obligation or non-obligation but still important feasts), unless it was perfectly on my own accord, out of my own need. This was a reaction to having certain things forced on me, without much choice and with guilt being partially used as a motivator. I was also (due to family members having hard lives and as a result often being emotional wrecks at certain stages and not in full control of themselves) very cautious with anything that suggested giving up control of one’s behaviour, excess emotions, hysterical reactions etc. And you can imagine how a young boy hooked on tech reacted to folk worship by primarily elderly ladies at a church that covered village areas too. I was also very afraid (still am, though not as strongly) of the omnipresent emphasis on death and suffering. I really appreciated a calm voice and positive demeanour from a priest… and avoided any layman or laywoman trying to act as a religious figure. Latin was great because of forcing a certain cadence, you know (probably partly because nobody is familiar with spoken Latin to the extent of conveying normal emotion). To this point, I just can’t mesh with any community, any ministry, no special spiritualities, no nothing other than the universal church and normal liturgy. I also feel uncomfortable talking about theology to people who are discovering it and having their own ideas, which they sometimes want to impress on me as if they were fullproof conclusions from what the Church teaches without error. Maybe your daughter is somewhat similar in her attitude?

Or perhaps she has some strain on her relationship with God (doubts, regrets, disappointments), or some unresolved questions (that appear when people become too old to believe everything mum or priest said).

For the record, not everybody needs to pray much verbally (attention span, being active vs. contemplative etc.), although some of it must be there. Work and fight for the important issues can be prayer too.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I have a daughter that is very moral, honest and mature for her age, but not overly religous althugh many years of Catholic school. I know at her Catholic college, she doesn’t go to mass every week and although she knows her faith, history wise (don’t argue with that aspect) hasn’t grown into the full meaning of it as she finds herself now, without her family. I know she feels depressed.

Like the others have posted, I think this is fairly normal. She probably feels very alone and isolated. Unfortunately, unless she is an outgoing person, she may continue to feel this way and fall further and further away from the church.

I’ve noticed that “followers” or “tag-alongs” (as in, shyer personalities who aren’t the “outgoing leaders”) really struggle in this area (my own sister is a PRIME example). They expect friends to COME TO THEM. I would encourage her to continue to go to Mass and strike up conversations with other students. I’m SURE there are others who attend Mass and aren’t as “involved” in the retreats… other “in-between’s” like herself. But she is going to have to make an effort to actually GO OUT and introduce herself and make friends… which can be hard.
But once she has someone to go to Mass WITH, then it becomes easier. (baby steps).

 

[ryecroft]

Did she make the decision to go to a Catholic College or was it more your decisions? I’m just asking because going to a secular college actually made me more into my faith.
Wasn’t sure -
God Bless
Rye

 

[debraran]

Hi, Thank you for your responses. She does need someone to plan things sometimes, wont eat alone in cafeteria, things like that. She sometimes feels like having people around that she doesn’t enjoy is worse than being alone, but being alone too much can make things worse. I feel she is getting depressed now but hopefully a trip with another college will help in May. It’s hard to go out alone and people can’t find you in your room!

She insisted on a Catholic college, missed not going to a Catholic high school after 8 years of grade school, (because of money) and I think she thought it was going to be like her old school, which was more multi-cultural and varied. The students are very nice but they do drink a LOT and seem a bit preppy. I think she might have found a non-Catholic college or maybe just another one better, but this college gave her money that was hard to pass up and she seemed to love it at first. Everyone is extra friendly in the first months. Slowly guys were more pushy, drinking became more prevelant, etc.

Her high school friends have scattered and one she liked a lot seems to have found other friends, they will text on occasion but she is far away and life goes on sometimes. I think the transition was hard especially with seeing others having more fun than she was. (or it looks like it on FB)

I will keep praying and I ask others too and hope she doesn’t think as some her age do that this will last forever. I knew back then it wouldn’t for me, but I wasn’t livng at college either. I give things to God and then take them back (he’s used to it) but I’m working on it. ; )

 

[Joan_M]

She says many go to church and do things contrary to their faith but I tell her not to judge, just think about herself.

Any advice you would give?

This is a very common reaction from people who don’t want to go to church any more. My nephew (and godson) used it when “explaining” to me why he dropped out from the Catholic Church. My response to him (and to any others who make that sort of remark) is - You have no idea how hard these people are trying to grow in holiness and you have no idea how much worse they might be if they stopped attending Mass. Remember that the Church is not a haven for saints but a hospital for sinners.

Anyway, don’t we all do exactly that, since none of us are perfect?

 

[debraran]

I will again try to brainstorm with her ways she can meet new people without feeling too exposed. Even in college, students can be “cliquey” and as my son told me once, “You go to a club meeting, there are 6 or 7 students there, they all know each other, and you feel like a 5th wheel”. This is common and has been a problem for children of all ages.

I remember at my Dad’s wake, a man I never met came up to us in line and said he saw my dad’s name and had to come, he remembered him from many years ago. He was new in school and no one would talk to him and your dad said to me when he saw that. “You will sit with me and my friends at lunch” and he played with him at recess. Over 50 years later, that kindness touched him still.