Moral Obligations?

[Jessup]

Greetings everyone, let me start by saying my father died back in 2005. My brother then took all of my mother’s life insurance money to appease he and his then wife’s pills, marijuana and cocaine druggie habits.
Since then my brother had been arrested a few time, on petite crimes. DUI possesion ect.
In 2010 when he was arrested; me and my mother both, went into debt to pay for his probation, court ordered classes, and other expenses.
We thought we where having faith in God, showing the love of Christ and the benefit of the doubt that my brother would change his ways, and making the unselfish sacrifices for God to help him. God seems to think its a joke.
However; now that he and I are both living back home, I am a full time student living off of savings, and he is now, released from jail for the second time and put on probation, for the second time. We have nothing to pay for him, my mother is still in debt from his first probation 3000 dollars, she has medical bills, to pay. I am currently helping her pay off this house with tuition money. I don’t feel obligated to help him anymore, he has free rent here, and a motherly cooked dinner every night. He’s 35 for crying out loud.
Feed back???

 

[puzzleannie]

In 2010 when he was arrested; me and my mother both, went into debt to pay for his probation, court ordered classes, and other expenses.
?

why? why did you pay his way and enable his drug habit and other crimes in the first place, what part of the commandments tells us to help people continue in their sin

why are you even entertaining the possibility of doing it again and calling it a “moral obligation”

despite the tone that may sound judgmental I ask from the point of view of someone who is involved in just such a family drama myself.

and why oh why is this person allowed in the house with you and your mother? she should be protected from him

 

[Jessup]

I feel stupid posting that thread now . I actually wanted to delete it. I just needed to vent, but I can’t find the edit options anywhere on here. I don’t know why they are not on here now.

 

[Joannm]

I feel stupid posting that thread now . I actually wanted to delete it. I just needed to vent, but I can’t find the edit options anywhere on here. I don’t know why they are not on here now.

Don’t feel stupid. What you posted commonly happens. It is called co-dependence. We don’t want to see our loved ones in trouble so we help them out. The problem is that they won’t change until they hit bottom and they won’t when you keep bailing him out. I suggest that you and your mom begin attending AlAnon meetings to help you understand what is going on. You will find many people there who have gone through what you are going through.

 

[Luvtosew]

I feel stupid posting that thread now . I actually wanted to delete it. I just needed to vent, but I can’t find the edit options anywhere on here. I don’t know why they are not on here now.

Please don’t feel stupid, everyone needs to vent and its not good to vent to family members.
Sounds like you and your Mom have been very forgiving and charitable to your brother, but if he wants or needs money I would say he needs to find a job. We often give family members more leeway on mistakes as welll they are our family.

If he is still drinking and on drugs he needs some rehab and probably best not to let him live with yous if he is , hard to kick him out, but its called tough love. Hope your in an area that has homeless shelters and soup kitchens, my brother was on the street after many family attempts and he told me all about the soup kitchens and shelters , wish I had known as I was worried sick, but he hit rock bottom and well he is doing ok now.

God Bless your family, there is always hope for a person if he is still alive, my brother and I are close now.

 

[Jaypeeto4]

You need to tell him to get off the drugs or you won’t help him anymore.
That sounds harsh, but his having drugs in the house could get you and your
mom charged as accessories to his drug trafficking.
Trafficking? Yes. Because to GET the drugs, he has to BUY them or otherwise
acquire them from someone ELSE. That is trafficking. Trafficking is not
limited to those who SELL the drugs, but also to those who BUY them.
(( recovering chemically-dependent people, the PC term today for drug addicts,
do not like to see themselves as “criminal” for buying all those drugs.
They go to Betty Ford Center and then go on The Tonight Show to talk about
how they courageously beat their chemical dependency, and everyone applauds
them, etc. It’s great to repent, but let’s face fact: the purchaser, willfully,
is just as guilty as the SELLER )).
Keeping illegal drugs in the house, if he is doing that in your house,
or if he is using the house to BUY them, could get your house SEIZED.
What he is doing is no laughing matter. I know you are justly frustrated.
Do NOT feel STUPID, because you aren’t.
Those here who are advising you to treat him harshly may be forgetting that if God treated us all as harshly as we deserve, we would all be six feet under. Still, you have to protect yourselves, and when high on drugs, he might hurt you and your mom. A sweet lady at our church was murdered by her own adult son when she refused to give him drug money. He was going to kill his dad also, but the man happened to not be home.
So, do seek help from counsellors.
As for your brother, paying his attorneys fees is sweet and kind,
but THAT doesn’t really help him. THAT is doing it “In The Flesh,” and not the spirit.
This guy needs to be bathed in effectual prayer. Pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy for him, every day, for Christ to give him the graces of conversion and liberation from that evil drug habit. And have OTHERS pray it, and the Rosary, and other powerful prayers for him, EVERY SINGLE DAY without exception, calling on the POWER and MERCY of God, until this is resolved. Enroll him in the Seraphic Mass Association
seraphicmass.org
and tell him flat out that he needs to knock it off. That’s a lot more effectual, the powerful prayers, than merely paying his bail repeatedly and going into debt to try and help him purely through “fleshly” means.
God bless you, friend.
Jaypeeto4

 

[Jaypeeto4]

Another thing, Jessup.
It’s no shame for him to be living at home, in and of itself.
But not having to help with expenses??? Not at all???
THAT is not right.
As long as he is physically able, and out on probation,
he needs to find at least a part time job, even if it is minimum wage,
and HELP YOU GUYS pay some of the bills.
He can AT LEAST help buy the groceries that he seems to enjoy eating.
Unless he is crippled or forbidden under the terms of his probation to work,
he needs to find a job, even if it is sweeping the floors at a McDonalds.

 

[puzzleannie]

I feel stupid posting that thread now . I actually wanted to delete it. I just needed to vent, but I can’t find the edit options anywhere on here. I don’t know why they are not on here now.

it is not stupid to post and it is not stupid to vent, everybody who has ever dealt with such a family situation empathizes with what you are going through. I have no doubt you have tried to protect your mother but she refuses to give up on your brother, no matter what misery he causes her and everyone else. If you can get her to see that the only way to help him is to stop helping him you will be doing the both of them a great service. We will be praying for you.
signed
one of the army of helpless sisters of self-destructive brothers

 

[Richard320]

You have none, not any more. Shake the dust off your sandals, as it were.

Check out Alanon, not so much for the program, but to get some pointers on how to say no.

 

[Norseman82]

Greetings everyone, let me start by saying my father died back in 2005. My brother then took all of my mother’s life insurance money to appease he and his then wife’s pills, marijuana and cocaine druggie habits.
Since then my brother had been arrested a few time, on petite crimes. DUI possesion ect.
In 2010 when he was arrested; me and my mother both, went into debt to pay for his probation, court ordered classes, and other expenses.
We thought we where having faith in God, showing the love of Christ and the benefit of the doubt that my brother would change his ways, and making the unselfish sacrifices for God to help him. God seems to think its a joke.
However; now that he and I are both living back home, I am a full time student living off of savings, and he is now, released from jail for the second time and put on probation, for the second time. We have nothing to pay for him, my mother is still in debt from his first probation 3000 dollars, she has medical bills, to pay. I am currently helping her pay off this house with tuition money. I don’t feel obligated to help him anymore, he has free rent here, and a motherly cooked dinner every night. He’s 35 for crying out loud.
Feed back???

Unfortunately, people will often use religion to manipulate others into doing stupid or harmful things or put themselves at risk. That is how Jim Jones conned people into drinking vats of poisoned Kool-Aid, how elderly people are conned out of their savings, and how abuse victims are “guilted” into not protecting themselves against their abusers. Often we are the people who “guilt” ourselves by convincing ourselves that if we do not take some foolish risk we are somehow not trusting God.

You are NOT obligated to put yourself in debt so he can blow it all on drugs. Also, was he entitled to all the insurance money? If not, he would be guilty of fraud, especially if any forgery or intimidation was involved by him or an agent redeeming the proceeds. You may want to check with the insurance regulators in Florida as well as the elder abuse resources:

floir.com
myfloridacfo.com

dcf.state.fl.us/programs/abuse
elderaffairs.state.fl.us

Another thing - I noticed in your profile your interest in the NRA, second amendment, and shooting. Please make sure any weapons in your home are kept safely out of your brother’s reach.

Another question - who can bench more, you or your brother? The reason I ask is that you are really the man of the house now (unless there is another older responsibly acting male there) and you will need to act as protector of not only yourself but also your mother and assist her in “laying down the law” where needed, and “pick up the slack” even if she may be too scared to do so.