Morality in companion relationships

[billcu1]

I’m 43 yo and never really had a girlfriend. I don’t know whether that’s good or bad depending on the way your looking at it. To me dating leads to 3 things. Marriage, temptation, and/or trouble. And by trouble I mean turmoil inside and outside. I think if a woman is not interested in marriage your wasting your time dating her. Your either going to be tempted to do something immoral that is a grave matter or lead to heartbrokeness. I am also on disability and can barely afford myself much less someone else. I like EWTN’s crossing the goal among other shows and they teach a man is known by his virtue and they mention leadership, protector and provider. Am I thinking with a straight head?

 

[CorieDreams]

I think there is some truth to that. Dating will ultimately lead to a breakup or marriage. SOme breakups are harder than others. And some people simply don’t face the same temptations as others, so that may not be the case for everyone, even if it is for most.

I was a bit confused with your title though, as I don’t equate companion relationships with dating

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I think if a woman is not interested in marriage your wasting your time dating her.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean here. I think that someone who truly believes that they are never going to get married should not date. What’s the point, ya know?

On the other hand, I think that you should date someone before you decide to marry them. The majority of people would be taken back if after the first date, when you are dropping the girl off, you pop the question. I’m sure the poor guy would get pepper sprayed and a restraining order would be filed. lol.

 

[robwar]

I’m 43 yo and never really had a girlfriend. I don’t know whether that’s good or bad depending on the way your looking at it. To me dating leads to 3 things. Marriage, temptation, and/or trouble. And by trouble I mean turmoil inside and outside. I think if a woman is not interested in marriage your wasting your time dating her. Your either going to be tempted to do something immoral that is a grave matter or lead to heartbrokeness. I am also on disability and can barely afford myself much less someone else. I like EWTN’s crossing the goal among other shows and they teach a man is known by his virtue and they mention leadership, protector and provider. Am I thinking with a straight head?

You sound lonely and in a difficult situation with being on disability and not having many resources available to you. Even though you are still single and in your fourties, you shouldn’t look at dating and marriage as “trouble” or “turmoil”. Even if you date and it doesn’t lead to marriage, it is not a waste of time in terms of having a basic friendship with the opposite sex and there is nothing wrong with having pleutonic relationships with the opposite sex. Instead of fretting about the not having and girlfriend or if dating is worthwhile, try to involve yourself if able in your local parish, doing what you can for others. I think if you become other focus instead of focusing on yourself, you become more attractive to others. Have you checked out any single Catholic web sites?

 

[Brendan_64]

I think if a woman is not interested in marriage your wasting your time dating her.

If you simply approach dating entirely with a mindset right from the start of, “OK then, I wonder if this person will be a potentially suitable spouse, then your chances of it working out are, in my opinion, greatly diminished”. You need to get to know a person quite well before you even start thinking about her suitability as a potential spouse.

If you start sizing a woman up as a potential spouse from the start, she will most likely dump you very quickly. And don’t think you will be able to size her up as a potential spouse without her knowing it, women are very quick to pick up on non-verbal clues, nuances, how you say things etc… They are far better at that than us men are, they WILL know what you’re doing.

Dating should be started in a spirit of friendship and companionship. Men and women naturally like to be in each others company on a one-to-one basis developing a special friendship. That friendship can be intimate, without being unchaste. Until that friendship develops sufficiently (and in most cases it will not) there is no point thinking about someone’s potential suitability for marriage. Most dating relationships fail, and that is simply one party deciding that the relationship has not developed in a way in which they are comfortable with it continuing further. There is nothing wrong with that, it is actually a good thing as the success of a relationship needs to be reciprocal.

Marriage is not simply a dry utilitarian contract between two people who are out looking to get married. Relationships need to be developed first, and developing that relationship is in itself a challenge that needs to be achieved before even thinking about marriage.

 

[billcu1]

You sound lonely and in a difficult situation with being on disability and not having many resources available to you. Even though you are still single and in your fourties, you shouldn’t look at dating and marriage as “trouble” or “turmoil”. Even if you date and it doesn’t lead to marriage, it is not a waste of time in terms of having a basic friendship with the opposite sex and there is nothing wrong with having pleutonic relationships with the opposite sex. Instead of fretting about the not having and girlfriend or if dating is worthwhile, try to involve yourself if able in your local parish, doing what you can for others. I think if you become other focus instead of focusing on yourself, you become more attractive to others. Have you checked out any single Catholic web sites?

Online dating is not for me. I have tried it a couple of times and got zero results. It’s IMO a waste of money.

 

[billcu1]

I’m not sure I understand what you mean here. I think that someone who truly believes that they are never going to get married should not date. What’s the point, ya know?

On the other hand, I think that you should date someone before you decide to marry them. The majority of people would be taken back if after the first date, when you are dropping the girl off, you pop the question. I’m sure the poor guy would get pepper sprayed and a restraining order would be filed. lol.

What I meant by the statement I made was if a woman is absolutely against marriage period. Ever. Or even the possibility with anyone. It’s a waste of time. Also without a car I can’t drop a woman off. I’ve read after dating comes courtship. That I’m totally unfamiliar with. Maybe I need to change some of my attitudes.

 

[Brendan_64]

What I meant by the statement I made was if a woman is absolutely against marriage period. Ever. Or even the possibility with anyone. It’s a waste of time. Also without a car I can’t drop a woman off. I’ve read after dating comes courtship. That I’m totally unfamiliar with. Maybe I need to change some of my attitudes.

So how are you going to know if a woman is against marriage? While you’re ‘chatting her up’, drop in a, “by the way are interested in ever getting married to anyone at some stage in the future?”? Do that and she’ll be up and out the door as quick as a flash, and probably after slapping you across the face.

And as for ‘courtship’ following dating? What is courtship? I’m happily married for nearly 23 years and I don’t remember some ‘courtship’ stage. You just find a nice girl that you fancy, chat her up a bit to see if you might like her and if she might like you, get her phone number, call her up and invite her out for a meal (it doesn’t have to be an expensive meal) and see if you do actually like each other. Then if there is some chemistry, take it from there. In my opinion you shouldn’t start dating someone with thoughts of “will she want to marry?” at the back of your mind. Just relax and enjoy the company of a girl that you are attracted to and find that you like. If it is meant to be, then it will naturally develop in that direction. There aren’t really any defined stages. You’re over-rationalising it all

And you don’t need a car in order to date a woman, you can call a cab, or walk her home if she doesn’t live too far.

 

[billcu1]

So how are you going to know if a woman is against marriage? While you’re ‘chatting her up’, drop in a, “by the way are interested in ever getting married to anyone at some stage in the future?”? Do that and she’ll be up and out the door as quick as a flash, and probably after slapping you across the face.

And as for ‘courtship’ following dating? What is courtship? I’m happily married for nearly 23 years and I don’t remember some ‘courtship’ stage. You just find a nice girl that you fancy, chat her up a bit to see if you might like her and if she might like you, get her phone number, call her up and invite her out for a meal (it doesn’t have to be an expensive meal) and see if you do actually like each other. Then if there is some chemistry, take it from there. In my opinion you shouldn’t start dating someone with thoughts of “will she want to marry?” at the back of your mind. Just relax and enjoy the company of a girl that you are attracted to and find that you like. If it is meant to be, then it will naturally develop in that direction. There aren’t really any defined stages. You’re over-rationalising it all

And you don’t need a car in order to date a woman, you can call a cab, or walk her home if she doesn’t live too far.

I’ve never asked a girl for her number and got anywhere. I did chat with a girl one time for a while and she seemed nice I want to take it easy and didn’t ask for her number. I was then after sometime called by the police and arrested for stalking. I didn’t know you could stalk someone in one place or what she was telling people but my impression was different evidently. I’m a little leary of women.
In a bar once a girl gave me he number and I put it in the cell phone but never acted on it. a slap in the face seems mild.

 

[Brendan_64]

I’ve never asked a girl for her number and got anywhere. I did chat with a girl one time for a while and she seemed nice I want to take it easy and didn’t ask for her number. I was then after sometime called by the police and arrested for stalking. I didn’t know you could stalk someone in one place or what she was telling people but my impression was different evidently. I’m a little leary of women.
In a bar once a girl gave me he number and I put it in the cell phone but never acted on it. a slap in the face seems mild.

Well you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t call her up afterwards. She’s not going to come looking for you. She gives you her number (not the other way round), she waits, you call, and she makes the decision about whether she wants to go out with you or not. You will get plenty of rejections, most people do, that’s just the way it goes. Just like in most aspects of life, people who succeed do so after failing many, many time.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Well you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t call her up afterwards. She’s not going to come looking for you. She gives you her number (not the other way round), she waits, you call, and she makes the decision about whether she wants to go out with you or not. You will get plenty of rejections, most people do, that’s just the way it goes. Just like in most aspects of life, people who succeed do so after failing many, many time.

 

[billcu1]

Well you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t call her up afterwards. She’s not going to come looking for you. She gives you her number (not the other way round), she waits, you call, and she makes the decision about whether she wants to go out with you or not. You will get plenty of rejections, most people do, that’s just the way it goes. Just like in most aspects of life, people who succeed do so after failing many, many time.

But the thing is I don’t know if God wants me with someone or not. With all the trouble I’ve had God could be trying to say I want you alone. I don’t want to do my will but Gods.

 

[Brendan_64]

But the thing is I don’t know if God wants me with someone or not. With all the trouble I’ve had God could be trying to say I want you alone. I don’t want to do my will but Gods.

It’s not God’s decision, it’s YOURS. God does not decide these things, he gave us free will. It is your choice.

 

[billcu1]

A girl I was having a conversation with told me one time “If a guy wanted to date me he better impress me greatly.” I am not quite sure what she meant but I humbly responded,“I don’t know myself I’m a simple man. Nothing impressive about me.”
I’m not going to put on a song and dance for anyone. A woman deserves to know the true guy IMO not a fake personality.
Part of my trouble maybe that I am interested by women alot younger than me. I mean 20 years or so. They don’t have to be that young but 19,29,39 it’s all the same to me.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

A girl I was having a conversation with told me one time “If a guy wanted to date me he better impress me greatly.” I am not quite sure what she meant but I humbly responded,“I don’t know myself I’m a simple man. Nothing impressive about me.”
I’m not going to put on a song and dance for anyone. A woman deserves to know the true guy IMO not a fake personality.
Part of my trouble maybe that I am interested by women alot younger than me. I mean 20 years or so. They don’t have to be that young but 19,29,39 it’s all the same to me.

Do you have self-esteem issues? When I think of a man impressing me, I think of chivalry. I think of him being a gentleman. That’s impressive. What isn’t impressive is when a man or woman says something like, “Nothing impressive about me.” It makes it seem like you are fishing for a compliment. Because most nice people would start rattling off good qualities about you. She wasn’t look for some fake personality.

There is a lot different between 19,29, and 39. Heck I’m 24 and I have changed a lot since 19.

 

[billcu1]

Do you have self-esteem issues? When I think of a man impressing me, I think of chivalry. I think of him being a gentleman. That’s impressive. What isn’t impressive is when a man or woman says something like, “Nothing impressive about me.” It makes it seem like you are fishing for a compliment. Because most nice people would start rattling off good qualities about you. She wasn’t look for some fake personality.

There is a lot different between 19,29, and 39. Heck I’m 24 and I have changed a lot since 19.

I was just trying to be humble. She has a boyfreind and is pregnant by him. We were just making conversation. I wasn’t interested in her.
What really stops me in my tracks is when a girl says “I’ve got a boyfriend” Then that’s a no to me 'cause I’m not going to hurt other people because I talk with someone. self-esteem issues if they exist I am sure I have them.

 

[3DOCTORS]

If you’re looking for a real answer - and a solution - I suggest you seek counseling. You have a lot to sort out and it’s confusing to try to sort it out all at once, don’t you think? Whatever your disability is - physical, psychological, a combination - has it affected your self esteem? If so, how can you get that headed in a more positive direction? That’s the first priority - you’ll be happier in your life no matter what your single or married state.

Next important issues - why are you only attracted to younger women? Is it for a pure reason, or do you not relate well with gals nearer your age bracket? What I mean is, are you looking at the woman as a whole person or as a fantasy object to some degree? Can you develop the skills to relate to a woman on multiple levels? I don’t mean we are always perfectly free of preferences, but we need to not give them more weight than is appropriate.

To give an amusing example: I used to really go for blond guys - and the blond guys I dated gave me grief! So now I might go for a brunette, LOL! I’m a bit paranoid of blonds now!

Plus, the better you know yourself and take a mature, balanced approach, seeing yourself as God sees you, the easier it will be to find women who are balanced and mature and humble - the kind of woman who would make a better wife.

But before you get too far along at that stage of the game, you should pray and discern what vocation God is calling you to. This should be easier if you’ve resolved some of those basic issues about yourself.

Hope this helps.

 

[billcu1]

If you’re looking for a real answer - and a solution - I suggest you seek counseling. You have a lot to sort out and it’s confusing to try to sort it out all at once, don’t you think? Whatever your disability is - physical, psychological, a combination - has it affected your self esteem? If so, how can you get that headed in a more positive direction? That’s the first priority - you’ll be happier in your life no matter what your single or married state.

Next important issues - why are you only attracted to younger women? Is it for a pure reason, or do you not relate well with gals nearer your age bracket? What I mean is, are you looking at the woman as a whole person or as a fantasy object to some degree? Can you develop the skills to relate to a woman on multiple levels? I don’t mean we are always perfectly free of preferences, but we need to not give them more weight than is appropriate.

To give an amusing example: I used to really go for blond guys - and the blond guys I dated gave me grief! So now I might go for a brunette, LOL! I’m a bit paranoid of blonds now!

Plus, the better you know yourself and take a mature, balanced approach, seeing yourself as God sees you, the easier it will be to find women who are balanced and mature and humble - the kind of woman who would make a better wife.

But before you get too far along at that stage of the game, you should pray and discern what vocation God is calling you to. This should be easier if you’ve resolved some of those basic issues about yourself.

Hope this helps.

Well the answer to why I like younger women is probably because the women my age have been run through the mill. What I mean by that is they all have kids and grandkids and husbands and so on.
I was picked on by my peers ever since I can remember as a kid. I was stupid. I was “spaced out” I was this and that. The outcast. It’s all I can understand. My friends hated me much less the people that didn’t like me.

 

[Brendan_64]

A girl I was having a conversation with told me one time “If a guy wanted to date me he better impress me greatly.” I am not quite sure what she meant but I humbly responded,“I don’t know myself I’m a simple man. Nothing impressive about me.”
I’m not going to put on a song and dance for anyone. A woman deserves to know the true guy IMO not a fake personality.
Part of my trouble maybe that I am interested by women alot younger than me. I mean 20 years or so. They don’t have to be that young but 19,29,39 it’s all the same to me.

Would you say that at a job interview (“I don’t know myself I’m a simple man. Nothing impressive about me.”)? Impressing a girl is a bit like a job interview. You never lie, but you show your best side. If you don’t then failure is the most likely outcome. There are lots of men out there, you have to give her a reason to choose you. You make the move, you display yourself in the best possible light you can, she then decides. That’s how it works.

As for being interested in women 20 years younger than you, forget it. You’re in your 40’s, women in their 20’s will just not be likely to be interested in you. You’re old enough to be their father.They’ll most likely think of you as ‘some old geezer’ and go “yuck!” if you try to chat them up. That’s just the reality of it. Stick to women 5 years either side of your own age.

 

[billcu1]

As for being interested in women 20 years younger than you, forget it. You’re in your 40’s, women in their 20’s will just not be likely to be interested in you. You’re old enough to be their father.They’ll most likely think of you as ‘some old geezer’ and go “yuck!” if you try to chat them up. That’s just the reality of it. Stick to women 5 years either side of your own age.

I have noticed that. And I wasn’t suprised. Others have told me the same thing. Though I have also heard 10 years either side. The thing is that women my own age are beginning to enter menopause and I’m likely to have no kids of my own which isn’t so bad. Maybe someday I’ll have step-kids. Or none at all. I just hope I’ve done the right thing by God in waiting.