Morality of Nursing Homes

[Sarabande]

Unfortunately we can not always honor our promises. My grandfather had althimers and never wanted to go into a home (he watched his mother die of the same thing in a home) and he made everyone promise he would not go into a home. However, when he sadly did develop althimers he became violent -calling my grandmother a b**** and physically assaulting her, calling her the “evil twin” and actually attempting to leave the house on his own. My grandmother didn’t want to accept anyones help in having him stay with them. It was her decision - she was his wife for 60 years. He had to go to a home in the end. Unfortunately they did not take very good care of him and a simple cold they never treated developed into phnemonia (with them still insisting it was a cold and my family had to take him to the hospital ourselves)

and the one thing we could honor for him was his wish to not have his life saved my extraordinary means - he did not want to live with althimers and made a DNR. I still miss him, and hate that nursing home, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. All I can say is chose one wisely if it comes down to it.

I totally understand this. Every situation is different. That’s why I do not believe that there is one answer to this kind of question, nor do I believe in quickly judging people who are placed in this kind of situation. It is very difficult. My heart goes out to you and your family with what you all had to deal with.

 

[SMHW]

Is this the type of individualism that propels people to neglect their parents in nursing homes? Individualism? So a parent in old age is BURDENING his child when he asks his child to take care of him in his old age? So when a parent is sick and elderly and too old to stand independently, the child has the right to feel burdened by the parent’s need for the child to help the parent? So when an sick and old parent asks their children to take them in and care for them, that parent is guilty of “harming the child’s spousal relationship” ?

Did the Parents of the child have a right to claim that the birth of their baby was a burden and therefore the parents had to value their own spousal relationship above their obligation to take care of the baby child? Did the parent have the right to claim that the child’s constant need for constant care was “harming” the parent’s right to individualism? The parents took care of the baby child no matter how poor they were, no matter how much “individualism” they lost because of the child, no matter how burdened they felt by the child. And yet, when time passes, when the parent then in turn needs help from their own seed, their own children whom they raised, the children claim their own individualism as an excuse to neglect the parent? Is this individualism or blatant dishonor and ungratefulness?

Again, this is probably a matter of culture difference. Americans believe that we must honor our parents. It’s what the commandment says, after all. But the culture here tends to have a different understanding of what gives honor.

American culture says that the greatest way to thank and honor someone who has done a great service for us is to pass the good on to someone other than the person who has done things for us. As such, it is a greater honor to our parents to care for our own children than to care for the parents when they age. I am told (but do not actually know) that this was the teaching of many rabbis. This does not mean we should not do things for parents who are in need. But we raise our children to be independent of us, not to care for us. We don’t understand gratefulness to mean that our children must do for us what we have done for for them.

I do think that American culture has much to learn from cultures which value time spent with older generations. But, in fact, one of the “problems” with American aging parents is that these parents want to live independently but cannot do so safely. Is it of greater honor to such parents to allow them to live the lifestyle they wish and suffer continual accidents and illnesses or to insist the parent move to an assisted living facility or into the adult child’s home?

The Catholic Church teaches us that our marriage should come before our parents so the couple honors the man’s and woman’s parents as a unit. A woman cannot expect her husband to assume that he will plan his life and finances around her parents and a man cannot expect his wife to plan her life and finances around his parents. Parents should expect their sons-in-laws and daughters-in-law to be more important to their children than they are.

If a couple has the resources (time, money, room, skill) to care for aging parents then they should offer it. But

 

[Gertabelle]

Regarding the logic that children are sometimes too poor to support their own parents outside nursing homes, how can anyone agree with this argument when parents, even if the parents themselves were poor, still took care of the children when they were young?

Did the parent have the right to claim that the child’s constant need for constant care was “harming” the parent’s right to individualism? **The parents took care of the baby child no matter how poor they were, no matter how much “individualism” they lost because of the child, no matter how burdened they felt by the child. And yet, when time passes, when the parent then in turn needs help from their own seed, their own children whom they raised, the children claim their own individualism as an excuse to neglect the parent? **

Personally, as a single mother of a young child (5 year old), I believe that in bringing this child into the world,** I made him a promise**, not only to raise him according to God’s Law, but also to release him to God’s plan and purpose for this life. My future and my care are in God’s hands, according to His plan. And if it please God to call my son to a plan a thousand miles away, and for me to spend years “neglected” in a nursing home, so be it, and with great joy!

According to your reasoning, no single child (no siblings) could ever be called to monastic life because the person’s parents might some day need an adult child to care for them. The monk or nun, in your reasoning, would be “neglecting” his or her elderly parents.

Christian life calls for sacrifice from all, and this includes elderly parents who have an expectation of unconditional care from their adult children, regardless of the emotional or financial cost.

But there is a whole lot of gray area between the extremes of quitting one’s job and living in poverty to care for one’s parents, and committing one’s parents to a nursing home and never seeing them again until the funeral – although both extreme possibilities could be well within fulfillment of God’s Will.

Anyway, my grandmother taught me how to be a Christian mother to my son. As a young person, whenever I spoke (yelled, really) to her on the phone, she would always say, “I’m fine. Just counting my blessings.” I took that totally literally, never realizing it was an expression, thinking grandma spent her days and nights seeking and thanking God for His many gifts.

After some fifteen years of being cared for by her children (a couple months a year in each home), her failing health finally necessitated being put in a home.

Visiting her was such a great joy! She could barely see or hear, and her short-term memory loss meant starting a new conversation every three minutes or so. But she was wrapped in a world of love, all of her own creation, through God’s grace. The employees at the home were her children. The other residents were her neighbors, and the facility itself – at least in her mind – was the home my grandfather had once built for her, some 80 years before. And this was one dreadful nursing home, but the only one that had room and could be afforded by the family.

My point is that grandma taught me how to practice gratitude every moment of every day, not demanding what ought to be, but receiving with overflowing heart the gifts of God.

As for me, I have a room and bath in my home prepared for my mom (now 75) when/if she needs it. But I would never leave my job to care for her. If she needed more care than I could give (as my father did before his death), I would place her in the nearest and best place I could find/afford, and I would visit her daily. All through God’s grace of course.

There is no one way to care for aging parents with love and self-sacrifice!

Always, we must pray for one another.

Gertie

 

[jman507]

Is this the type of individualism that propels people to neglect their parents in nursing homes? Individualism? So a parent in old age is BURDENING his child when he asks his child to take care of him in his old age? So when a parent is sick and elderly and too old to stand independently, the child has the right to feel burdened by the parent’s need for the child to help the parent? So when an sick and old parent asks their children to take them in and care for them, that parent is guilty of “harming the child’s spousal relationship” ?

Did the Parents of the child have a right to claim that the birth of their baby was a burden and therefore the parents had to value their own spousal relationship above their obligation to take care of the baby child? Did the parent have the right to claim that the child’s constant need for constant care was “harming” the parent’s right to individualism? The parents took care of the baby child no matter how poor they were, no matter how much “individualism” they lost because of the child, no matter how burdened they felt by the child. And yet, when time passes, when the parent then in turn needs help from their own seed, their own children whom they raised, the children claim their own individualism as an excuse to neglect the parent? Is this individualism or blatant dishonor and ungratefulness?

I would say it is not due to people wanting to live by a term. It is a term that describes a fundamental outlook especially in this case regarding the family. In some ways the similarities can hide in it very important differences with respect to actual roles one is ought to play. Just because it is individualist don’t misjudge Americans do care about their family; you can scan through this sub-forum and the parenting sub-forum. There is the concept of neglect too in the US. It is depends on falling short of a certain standard from what we think a role ought to be. The exact roles can differ from culture to culture.

With respect how to treat parents as I am sure saying that you find the whole idea out of favor is an understatement. I can understand that, and do have admiration for that view. Things can look different from the outside than the inside. You certainly can feel about it however you do, you can even voice your opinion against it (I think it does have merit), but remember you may not fully understand it.

On the other hand, since this may involve a person and their parents who have a counter view towards it. The spouse needs to understand that. Different values need to be respected in marriage. If the argument is that a spousal’s relationship is very important. If a spouse holds a counter view towards just putting a parent in a nursing home, that value needs to be brought up until a satisfactory conclusion can be met. The spouse that feels that obligation towards a parent, and the parent wants that care; one could do much harm to the marriage if that value is not respected. This value is not some simple want, the value is as if it is nearly a fundamental need of the person to try to fulfill.