Morality Questions Concerning Victims Of Rape, Incest, and Spousal Abuse

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Part 3

Get Help! Even if there is not a scratch on your body, rape is an extremely serious trauma and a deep injustice. No one should go through the trauma of rape alone. You’re probably going to need many kinds of help for at least a couple of months from friends, associates, and professionals. You deserve all the help you need, no matter what the circumstances of the rape.

A common problem for rape victims is that it’s very difficult to ask for help because the rape has made them feel ashamed, weak, and wounded. If you’re finding it difficult to ask for help, here’s what to do. Pick a special friend and ask that friend to help you find more help. Ask that special friend to help you think of other people who would be good for different kinds of help. Ask your friend to make the phone calls for you.

You don’t have to tell your support people everything. And the people you ask for help don’t have to be experts on rape, and they don’t necessarily have to be people you know well. Pick people whom your intuition tells you are smart and caring people.

• Always have a support person accompany you to appointments, meetings, and discussions pertaining to the rape. Never go alone to deal with the rape, whether it’s an appointment with a detective, a talk with your family, a routine visit to a victim assistance center, or a brief meeting with a landlord, boss, or teacher. Bring someone with you, no matter how minor the encounter. In fact, it’s a very good idea to have someone at your side even when you’re making phone calls about the rape.

Here are some of the reasons it is so important that you as a rape victim have someone accompany you:

1. There is still a very strong tendency in our society for people to blame, disbelieve, or ostracize rape victims. Having a support person at your side is your absolute best protection against abuse by others because the person at your side is a witness to the other person’s actions.
2. Having someone at your side steadies you and makes you feel strong. Even at seemingly insignificant encounters, such as asking a teacher to postpone a test because you were raped, you can be suddenly thrown off balance if the person’s response is cold and unsympathetic. Being with a friend on these occasions not only serves to prevent these kinds of responses, it also protects you from being completely devastated and thrown off balance if they occur.
3. The person who accompanies you can help you remember information, and help you remember the questions you wanted to ask.
4. The person who accompanies you can and should take notes. Having your support person take notes is an additional means of preventing abuse.
5. Having support persons accompany you to appointments and meetings regarding the rape keeps these people informed and engaged in what you’re going through. Because they know what you’re going through, they can better support you in the future.

Again, the person you choose to accompany you doesn’t have to be an expert on rape. Your support person also does not have to be the same person who accompanies you on every occasion. In fact, it’s a good idea to have different persons accompany you so no one person becomes overly stressed.

 

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Part 4

• Treat your support persons well. Remember, the friends who are helping you are also probably feeling very upset and frightened by what you’re going through. They probably feel at a loss for exactly what they should be doing, and helpless that they can’t solve it all for you. So here’s some things you can do that will help your support person be better able to help you.

Always be very clear with your friend exactly what it is you would like them to do. Tell them you know they can’t solve it all. Stay in good communication with the people who are helping you. Thank them repeatedly for standing by you. And do remember, one person can’t do it all. If you see that your friend is getting overwhelmed, ask your friend to help you find someone else to help, too.

• Get all your questions answered as soon and as accurately as possible. Unanswered questions create intense anxiety for rape victims, and the last thing you need is more anxiety. Here’s an example. The day after making a police report, a rape victim realizes the officer didn’t tell her what’s going to happen next. As the hours pass she becomes increasingly anxious. Are they going to arrest him? Am I supposed to be doing something else? Is a detective going to call me? When is the detective going to call? Instead of suffering with the anxiety of these questions it’s crucial that you get the answers as soon as possible.

Throughout the time of dealing with the rape, you’re going to have all kinds of questions like this going through your mind. Get your questions answered as soon and as accurately as possible. Don’t feel ashamed or shy about asking. You have a right to get complete and detailed answers to all your questions. Asking lots of questions of the authorities you deal with is also helps prevent abuse from the authorities. It lets them know you’re paying attention.

If you don’t feel satisfied with the answers you get, call the person’s boss, call another official, a victim advocate, or call someone on the next shift. But don’t suffer the anxiety of unanswered questions.

If you feel too overwhelmed to make the calls, ask a friend to make the phone calls for you. In fact making phone calls and helping you get accurate information is a good example of the kind of thing you can ask a friend to do.

• Establish Solid and Reliable Telephone Communication. Making sure you have good and reliable telephone communication is critical to your safety, critical to getting a good response from authorities, and it is essential to preventing isolation.

Leave complete phone messages. Most of the phone calls you make are going to be answered by voice mail or message machines. Leave complete information about what you want and complete information about how and when the person can get back to you. Take a minute before you get on the phone to think about what you want to say ahead of time. If you don’t have a message machine. Try to get one. Or, make arrangements with a reliable friend so that people can leave messages with her or him. Stay in close communication with the people who are helping you.

If you don’t speak English, don’t hesitate to leave messages in your own language. Officials are required to get your message translated. Be sure and speak very slowly and clearly since the person listening to your message may not speak your language perfectly. For more information on what to do if you don’t speak English, see Special for Immigrant Women.

• Keep a Notebook. It’s virtually impossible to keep track of all the information, names, phone numbers, case numbers, appointments, and legal terms, that will come flooding over you as you deal with the rape. The only way to keep these things from spinning out of orbit is to keep them written down all in one notebook.

Writing everything down in a notebook will also give you a good sense of security and control. In addition to keeping track of information, use your notebook to write down questions you want to ask and points of information you want to remember to tell others. And when you’re in a meeting or interview, have your support person take notes for you.

• Prepare a two minute summary of your case. The intense emotions you feel following a rape can overtake you unpredictably, especially when you are talking with others about the assault. When this happens your communication can easily become fragmented, frantic, and incoherent.

These emotional swings and frantic communication following a rape are completely normal. And they should also be understandable to others. The problem is that many people are unable or unwilling to deal with the intensity of these emotions. They stop listening to you right at the time when you most need to be heard.

So here’s a suggestion that can help you immensely. Write a two or three minute summary of your story. Make this summary as professional as possible. Then read over your summary every time before you get on the phone or go to meetings pertaining to the rape. It will help put you in a frame of mind where you can communicate factually and coherently about the rape. You will be amazed how much more seriously officials will treat your case when you can present your story coherently.

• Take time to think things out and prepare before getting on the phone or walking into a meeting that deals in any way with the rape, whether with family, associates, or officials.

In addition to going over your one paragraph summary of the rape, here’s a brief check list that you can use to prepare for talking with others about the rape:

    What is the main point(s) I want to communicate?
    What is the main result I want?
    What are the main questions I want to ask?
    What emotional tone do I want to communicate?
    What is the most likely obstacle I could encounter?
    What is my best argument to overcome the obstacle?

Write down your thoughts and questions, and always have a pen and paper ready to take notes. Go over the list and your answers with your support person. The best way to do all this is to take 15 minutes before any meeting or take 5 minutes before any phone call and focus on exactly what you want to accomplish. Doing this gives you control and keeps you from being thrown off balance by other people’s responses. It also greatly increases the chances that you’ll get what you need from your interactions with others.

 

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Part 5

• Never make final, on-the-spot, decisions on important matters on the phone or in meetings. Ask questions, and then tell the person or official that you’re going to think it over and that you’ll get back to them. Officials often try to pressure victims into making quick, on-the-spot decisions. They often do this in order to pressure you into decisions that you wouldn’t make if you had time to think about on your own. You can easily protect yourself from these pressures by always telling the person you will think it over and give them a call with your decision the next day.
• Don’t rely on work officials, school officials, church officials, union officials, or housing officials to handle or investigate your rape. In the first place, these people have little or no experience in the investigation of rape and they will almost certainly make a disastrous mess of your case. Often they will so mishandle witnesses and evidence that they damage the possibility of a successful criminal investigation. Second, none of these officials have the power or authority to carry out a criminal investigation of the rape, nor do they have the power to arrest.

Most important of all, bosses, school officials, church officials, union officials and housing officials likely have a serious conflict of interest in your case, and that conflict will heavily favor the rapist. These officials usually have a strong interest in wanting to cover up the fact that a rape occurred in their institution. And you, the victim, can easily be sacrificed to the cause.

If the rapist is a coworker, class mate, or church associate, and you need the organization to act to remove the rapist, use the police and courts to develop the evidence needed for removal.

• If you are the parent of a victim of child sexual abuse or a mandated reporter of child abuse, DO NOT rely on Child Protective Services to investigate. Report the case to police. Child Protective Services (called Child Welfare Agencies in some states) do not have the authority, nor are they trained, to carry out criminal investigations, nor do they have the power to arrest. Child Protective Services have only one power and that is the power to remove children from the home. And they are free to exercise this power at the lowest threshold of evidence.

It is far too easy for a Child Protective Service worker to turn their investigation against you (the parent) and accuse you of not protecting the child from the abuser. And with that approach, they can take your child from you with the most minimal level of evidence. This practice is common throughout the US. It is arbitrary. And far too often it is extremely unjust. Until Child Protective Services around the country stop these unspeakable and arbitrary practices, we can only advise you to stay as far away from them as possible. If you think your child was sexually abused, or if you are a teacher, health worker, or other mandated reporter who suspects child abuse, report directly to the police and not to Child Protective Services.

• If you wish to report a rape or child sexual abuse report directly to the police. Rape is a violent crime. The police are the only agency in society who have the power and authority to carry out a criminal investigation, to make an arrest, and to put the perpetrator under control. To be sure, the attitudes and response of police are not perfect yet either. But at the very least, police have the power, authority, training, and experience needed to do the job right.
• Be vigilant when dealing with the criminal justice system. Because the response of the criminal justice system is so important to rape victims, and because the system isn’t perfect by any means, we devote a whole section (see Part III below) for helping you get the best response possible from the criminal justice system.

 

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Part 6

Why Some People Side with the Rapist and Mistreat the Victim

Here are some of the reasons that alone or in combination that people mistreat rape victims. By understanding why these reactions occur it can help you understand that none of these reactions are your fault. And the rape isn’t your fault either. It’s also important for you to understand these reasons so you won’t be caught off guard, and so you and your support persons will do all that you can ahead of time to prevent them from happening.

Don’t get discouraged as you read this. Remember, not all people react this way. And the tips below will show you how to keep these abuses from happening to you, and how to keep a strong support system at your side.

Some people side with the rapist and mistreat the victim because:

* We still live in a male dominated society in which men and their organizations control most of the power. Rape itself is a crime of male dominance. After a rape occurs, the sexist, male views of rape frequently resurface with a vengeance. These views easily gather steam, join forces with the authority of powerful male dominated institutions, and if not dealt with, will almost always lead to the protection of the rapist and an easy overwhelming of the victim.

* In addition to the biases of sexism working against the victim, it's just plain easier for people to side with the rapist. Remember, in most rapes the rapist and the victim know each other. Once the victim makes the charge of rape, the people around you both are forced to take sides. It's almost always easier to take the side of the rapist. If people believe the rapist, they can simply abandon the victim to fend for herself. But if people believe the victim, they then have to go up against the rapist and take action against him. Sadly, many people just don't have the courage or strength of conviction to stand up to the rapist and his powerful allies.

* Rape victims are usually young females. Rapists are male and usually older than the victim. As such, the rapist almost always has more social status than the victim. These inequalities in our male dominated society add to the tendency of people to side with the rapist and to shun the victim.

* The rapist has a criminal mentality and he is willing to lie, manipulate, threaten, and bully others once the charge of rape is made. The victim, on the other hand, is wounded and often too weak to defend herself. In addition, she is not a criminal and as such she is not willing to bully or intimidate others who don't support her. Once the rapist starts bullying, lying, and rallying his buddies to his side, even the victims' supporters often become afraid and fall silent in their defense of the victim.

* Once the charge of rape is made all the old sexist stereotypes of rape begin to surface. The old ideas about what is proper behavior for a female are so extremely limiting that people can always find a way to blame the victim. She was out too late, acting too sexy, too innocent, too assertive, not assertive enough, drank too much, too bitchy, too stupid, or too aloof. It simply does not matter what the woman or girl was doing when she was raped. These old constrictions on female behavior provide ample and convenient cover for those who want a way out of having to stand up against a rape.

* Authorities too often don't take rape seriously. When authorities don't take the rape seriously, people around the victim get the message they don't have to take the rape seriously either. Once authorities show they aren't taking the rape seriously, any support the victim has been able to maintain generally begins to erode rapidly.

Taken alone or together, these continuing manifestations of sexism in society make it so much easier for cowardly people to accuse the victim of lying rather than to accuse a man of rape. Fortunately, people are changing. And with a little help, you can stop these abuses from happening to you.

 

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Part 7.

Erosion of the rape victim’s support usually doesn’t happen right away. In fact, initial reactions to rape victims are often good. Authorities usually take an initial report. Friends of the victim usually start out by accompanying and supporting the victim, and family members often initially show great concern. It generally takes a little time for the perpetrator to start organizing his own support and begin bullying, lying, and retaliating in a way that erodes the victim’s initial support.

This lead time gives the victim and her advocates an opportunity to prevent the buildup toward targeting the victim. Try as much as possible to prevent these negative reactions before they start. Once vital relationships and social groups in your life turn against you, it’s much more difficult to correct them.

The following tips can be applied to both prevention and correction of problems with others:

* Follow all the general tips in the "General Tips" section above. In particular, always have at least one support person with you when you deal in any way with the rape; whether you're talking with police, family, school, church, housing, company officials, or to rape services. Don't go alone to talk with others about the rape. Having someone at your side at all times when you're dealing with the rape is always your best protection against abuse by others.

  Reread the General Tips when you run into new problems. Things that didn't make an impression when you read through the tips the first time around may apply directly to the new problem.

* Don't continue to confront the people who are mistreating you, even if you think the person is your friend. They will see that you are vulnerable and off balance. If they don't hear you the first time you talk to them, it's likely they'll take advantage of the situation by saying and doing things to hurt you even more. Once you see someone is turning on you, stop trying to deal with that person on your own. You're going to need help. And it's going to work out much better when you get help.

* Get a good victim advocate. Call your local rape crisis center. If at all possible, go in and meet face to face with the victim advocate. Bring a friend with you. Take full advantage of the services offered by the center. Tell the victim advocate right away about any problems you are having with people around you.

  One of the many ways you can use the victim advocate is to ask the advocate to help you educate those people in your life who are having trouble supporting you. Ask the victim advocate to talk with your husband, your classmates, your family, your boss, teachers, landlords, or whoever it is that is giving you trouble. You'll be amazed how much more receptive people will be to a victim advocate or other professional, even though the advocate is explaining the exactly same things you've been trying to explain. This remedy is so effective that in the following section we give you a more detailed look and some real life examples of how it works.

* At the first sign of trouble, or even before you run into trouble, ask a good friend, a good advocate or an authority to sit down and talk with the person or persons who you think may be a problem. Here are some real life examples at how this can work.

 

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Part 8.

Carefully select the people who you want to advocate on your behalf. When it comes to dealing with people who are giving you trouble, it’s usually better if you can select someone who has a position of authority. Police, victim advocates, clergy, teachers, counselors, and other professionals generally carry more weight and will likely be more effective in influencing the people who are giving you trouble. But if you can’t think of someone in authority, ask a smart and caring friend.​

Also, when selecting your advocates and support persons, try to select people who are not in the same social circle where the rape occurred, unless they are very special people. For example, if the rapist was connected to your work, the people at your workplace may be too fearful to effectively take your side, even if they are your close friends. The same thing is true if the rapist is from your school. Your teachers and classmates at the school might not be able to stand up to pressure from the rapist, his friends, and all the school officials who are probably trying to cover up the rape.

So think of the people you know and respect who are outside the influence of the rapist and his friends.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you know well. Use your intuition. If you think the person is kind and smart, they probably won’t hesitate a moment to help.

Work closely with the person or persons you select to advocate for you. Prepare the person well by giving them a full explanation of whichever problem you’d like them to help you with. Talk together and at length with them about what you want and how to get the best results. Stay in good communication. Keep them up to date on what’s happening with you. Don’t forget to say, ‘thank you’.​

Remember, your support persons need support too. Treat them like gold. They are your life guards. They are the key to protecting you from abuse. At the same time, the people who are trying to help you will have many fears of their own; fears that they don’t know exactly what they’re supposed to do, fears that the hostile environment will go against them too, fears of the intensity of your hurt. Your friends need help too.​

 

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Much of What I have said in these seven parts does not embrace victims of rape who are male. This is why most men refuse to partake in rape counseling and the sort.
Shame is also induced by a cruel society who are quick to prejudge.

This doesn’t surprise me in the bloody least.