Moralizing weight and food

  • Thread starter Thread starter kittery
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
pnewton said:
It is just a word. Considering the effect it had on the OP, I think it appropriate. Kids have killed themselves over such shaming.
Click to expand...
To me, bullying is when one person is aggressive (physically or emotionally) to a person who is smaller or weaker (and I don’ just mean in the physical sense). I think we way over-use that word these days, to describe anytime aggressive behavior is demonstrated.

I am quite able to deal with most aggressiveness that comes my way, so I wouldn’t consider it bullying when that happens.

I suppose it is subjective. If OP feels she is being bullied, who am I to say she isn’t. I just caution about using that term if it doesn’t really apply.

Bullying is always abhorrent behavior, and should never be minimized. Being a busybody can also be abhorrent, depending on the damage it does.
 
Last edited:
QwertyGirl said:
I suppose it is subjective. If OP feels she is being bullied, who am I to say she isn’t. I just caution about using that term if it doesn’t really apply.

Bullying is always abhorrent behavior, and should never be minimized. Being a busybody can also be abhorrent, depending on the damage it does.
Click to expand...
I have an idea for a thesis paper for someone one, maybe more in linguistics than in sociology, but this post points to a type of sliding scale, with well-received fraternal correction on one side, and violence, like gang initiation, on the other. Words are this way, more influence by current event than syntax. For bullying, the subjective experience of the victim is definitely a factor. One thing that struck me with the OP is how much this hurt her. Any person that is that insensitive to another, should not attempt any fraternal correction. It clearly isn’t her gift. One must be aware of one’s own short-comings.

It takes a relationship to address some issues. Without it, it is best just to keep your mouth shut. Parenting in particular is something that cannot be corrected by a drive-by intervention from a casual acquaintance. Just look at how much anger these attempts have stirred up here over the years.
 
This situation is outrageous! Usually, this is the sort of crap that a MIL or bitterly jealous sister would say, not a random parent at your kid’s school. I’m curious as to the circumstances under which this person has access to you and your children. Does she work or volunteer at the school? Is she a coach or something? Are you in some sort of parish group together? I can’t imagine a random parishioner having the nerve to say something like this to a stranger, even if you kids were morbidly obese! I would tell this woman that she was not to approach you or your children again and that the matter is not up to further discussion. If she is harrassing you on school grounds, I actually would consider that bullying, because she is taking advantage of the fact that there are children present and you are less likely to tell her what’s what. If she is in any position of authority over your children, that makes the situation more severe. If that is the case, I would absolutely report the bullying to the school and the leaders of whatever program she has access to your children in.
 
I think that definition can be expanded to include situations where the bully is aggressive in areas where victim feels they can’t defend themselves, such as at a school event, or is in a position to punish the victim or loved ones if they speak up for themselves.
 
Her daughter and my daughter have been close friends since kindergarten. I’ve always sensed that I should keep my distance from her because she sees the world in what I judge to be a very narrow way. I always felt guarded, but wanted to maintain enough of a relationship to foster my daughter’s friendship. Over the years, it seems that she has been collecting information about me and making observations of my children that she said she could no longer remain silent about. She isn’t in a position of authority, and I’ve never seen her on the playground, she doesn’t volunteer for anything either.

I think my husband and I will approach the school board chairman, with this. Her husband is on the school board, and they seem to think that puts their family above the rest. They don’t want single parents there, and they bullied one right out of the school several years ago. He has tried to remove one of the moms from her volunteerism in the school because she doesn’t dress appropriately, by using his position on the board. I’ve never noticed any inappropriate clothing and I have volunteered in the classroom with this mom for a year.

I think that this discussion here on this forum has helped me firm up what I think is the right thing to do. I think we need to make a complaint to the school admins because this type of behavior does not reflect the mission of our school.
 
I’ve talked to our parish priest about gluttony, and overweight prior to any of this. And I educate my kids about over eating and what junk food does to our bodies versus the healthy foods that God created for us. I think the title of my post was the best way I can summarize what’s going on. My priest said that as long as I am trying, and I constantly am, to do better for my body where weight is concerned that I’m not sinning. He explained that yes of course gluttony is a sin, but there are so many things that tie into that to determine culpability- it’s not fair to assume that an overweight person is automatically a gluttonous person. Likewise, someone who overeats out of a compulsion disorder or depression or medication, etc. is not culpable.
 
Gluttony is one of the least understood sins.

Eating 4 bags of chips or 6 Big Macs is not gluttony.

Buying yourself lobster and a filet while your children starve at home is gluttony.
 
Yes. I think gluttony is very misunderstood because it is so rare in our food-saturated society. If you lived in a society where people literally worked for their daily bread, it would be much easier to understand true gluttony, which is a sin of selfishness. When you unjustly deprive others, such as your employees, your family, widows and orphans, so that you can have more, or the special kind of food that you want, that’s gluttony. I think the more common examples of gluttony in our society, people don’t even think of as gluttony because it’s disguised by currency. When a person has elaborate feasts for himself when his employees are on food stamps, that’s gluttony. Its a form of gluttony when a person drinks or smokes their wages and neglects the needs of their children. If you are looking for a parental glutton, don’t look for chubby children. Look for extremely hungry children whose parents always feed themselves first because their kids get food a school. Look for kids who don’t have the lights on at their home because the parents spent all their money on eating out and don’t have money to pay the bill. Not that overeating is a good idea or anything, but it isn’t gluttony.
 
fj2020 said:
The topic is “moralizing about weight and food” and last time I checked Gluttony was still one of the seven deadly sins.
Click to expand...
Gluttony suggests the kids are eating up huge portions of the buffet while other kids starve. If these kids are being fed by their parents and eating what their parents give them, it’s not gluttony; I seriously doubt the parents are stuffing food into their kid’s face or letting him eat everything in the family fridge or eat a snack every hour on the hour. Allowing your kid to eat some junk food because you and their doctor think it’s no big deal is not gluttony. I think you really need to revisit your understanding of “gluttony”. There are too many people who’ve posted on this forum who think “gluttony” is committed when you eat an extra sandwich for lunch or have french fries instead of fruit.
 
I don’t think it’s bullying either but the woman is clearly a harasser and way out of line.
Unfortunately it could become bullying to the kids though because the women’s kids may very well pick up on their mothers mentality and then start bullying the Op (or someone else’s) kids and some kids are very vulnerable.
 
Actually, I’ve read posts from people who think that gluttony is the sin of having anything short of an ideal body shape, as if no other factors than personal piety figure into a person’s BMI.
 
I wouldn’t be surprised if that isn’t already happening. When I taught middle school, there was a mother who suddenly became obsessed with another little girl’s “unhealthy weight” after her own daughter was named in a group of girls who were bullying her. It was easier for her to pick on this child for not doing whatever it took to make her body “perfect”, than to accept that her own child was part of a group of bullies. She concocted this story in her head that her daughter was genuinely concerned about this other kid’s health and not just trying to fit in with a group of brats who couldn’t figure out a way to feel better about themselves other than tearing someone else down. Later, when the bullying became worse and detentions turned into suspensions, she blamed it on the bad influence of the other girls and put her daughter in Catholic school. Even so, she started a social media campaign defaming the other girls and their family so everyone knew that it wasn’t HER child that was a bully.
 
Last edited:
People have so many personal hang ups about food and weight, it’s not surprising that they impose a religious context all over them too. I remember years ago reading a memoir by Pat Boone’s daughter who suffered from a serious eating disorder of anorexia and bulimia. She initially was trying to cure herself by reading books on the Biblical approach to food and later her husband simply thought he could do the Biblical head-of-house thing and tell her what to eat when and that would fix it. Needless to say, none of this worked and she finally was able to recover through medical and psych treatment.
 
This is the breeding ground, the seeds of bullying.

In the car after school, kids hear “Look at her, now it is more than just her own sin of gluttony, her kids are overweight as well (and I promise, she is using uglier terms than I am using). I could not stand before God if I let MY precious children get that overweight!. Kids, every time I say no to ice cream and yes to celery for dessert, think about those poor kids who will end up buring in hell for the sin of gluttony.”

Kids hear this pretty regularly from mom, and kids by nature can be mean. So, tomorrow the kids who have been told how bad the overweight kids are, they tell that to their friends and someone begins whispering and laughing and pointing when the “bad kids” walk past. This escalates to name calling, bullying, and pretty soon another family has left the school, maybe even left the practice of the faith, because of the cruelty of others.

I have watched this happen over and over in a Catholic school.

To talk to the administration right now, before this becomes full on bullying, is very important. Think of it as vaxxing against hate.
 
Yeah, and while the kids are pointing and laughing at other kids, they’re sneaking their food into their napkin at home and disappearing into the bathroom after every meal, for fear of displeasing mother.
 
We contacted our school board chairman yesterday, and he was appreciative of us informing him. This type of “moral correction” is being perpetrated onto another family as well who spoke up within the past week as well. The chairman said that the admins know they need to nip this in the bud and our situation is another example why.

The collateral damage in this is also the friendship between my daughter and hers. She will no longer allow her daughter to visit my daughter outside of school. Which, for me is ok because over the past year I had noticed that my daughter’s friend had started sprouting an attitude of superiority and then when my daughter is repelled, she plays the victim and acts like my daughter is completely to blame. The other mom actually told me that she believes that their friendship is fading due to my daughters weight, and resulting “lack of confidence”. It’s all really sick and twisted, but how does a 12 year old girl understand any of this? It’s been difficult to know how to help my daughter navigate the strange circumstances between her and her “best friend”.
 
It’s a shame, but it’s probably for the best that they don’t spend much unsupervised time together, and I certainly wouldn’t allow your daughter to go to this kid’s house! Hopefully they will remain “school friends” and maybe the other little girl will get the message that there are consequences for bullying, even when you grow up. I’m wondering if this is an elected school board?
 
Learning that the end of a shallow friendship is not the end of the world is a lesson learned now, while you can help her instead of in college when she is alone, that is the best way to learn that lesson.

Also learning that friends do not make each other feel bad helps her see true friendship down the road.
 
Last edited:
Exactly. It is a life lesson.

Be honest with your daughter that there are people in this world that make themselves feel superior by putting other people down. Perhaps you and your daughter can watch the old “Mean girls” movie and talk about what is going on. In a short while, your daughter’s friend will begin holding court and crowning herself the queen bee. Best to have this conversation with your daughter now, than when it begins. Help your daughter be able to recognize the parts in the Queen bee’s court.
 
It’s not an elected school board. Once someone is in, they can stay on indefinitely. Maybe it’s time to ask for that to change? My husband and I believe that her husband needs to be reprimanded or removed, not only for this type of mistreatment of families in personal ways but when we are at fundraisers he usually wanders off, drinks beer outside, and badmouths Catholics that aren’t “catholic enough”. He openly disapproves of single moms (not dads for some reason), and doesn’t want anyone at our school that is a single mom. It’s repugnant.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top