Morals: Girls has a boyfriend

[DonQuichote1235]

Hi all, I don’t know if this is the right place to pose my question. I want to know, from a Catholic perspective, what are the do’s and don’t when pursuing a girl that has a boyfriend.

The case is we dated in the past, but then didn’t see each other for a couple of years. We just met one week ago and I think I’m falling for her. Se has a boyfriend for 8 years (not sure how the two of them are doing) and they live together.

My question is: is it sinful to pursue her? She isn’t married or whatever, but still. What are the do’s and don’t from a Catholic perspective. Thanks in advance!

DonQuichote.

 

[Falco]

She is in a relationship - a long-standing relationship - and you want to upset that, on a week’s friendship? Not a nice thing to do, and not respectful of her, either.

 

[Xantippe]

She is in a relationship - a long-standing relationship - and you want to upset that, on a week’s friendship? Not a nice thing to do, and not respectful of her, either.

Right.

Normally I’d say, dating isn’t married, but you have already had your shot with this particular woman and it didn’t work out. Why do you think this time it’s different and that it would be worth wrecking a long-standing relationship for you?

Also, why do you think that a woman that is living with another man is a good marriage prospect for you?

There are literally hundreds of millions of more suitable women on earth.

 

[chevalier]

Hi all, I don’t know if this is the right place to pose my question. I want to know, from a Catholic perspective, what are the do’s and don’t when pursuing a girl that has a boyfriend.

The case is we dated in the past, but then didn’t see each other for a couple of years. We just met one week ago and I think I’m falling for her. Se has a boyfriend for 8 years (not sure how the two of them are doing) and they live together.

My question is: is it sinful to pursue her? She isn’t married or whatever, but still. What are the do’s and don’t from a Catholic perspective. Thanks in advance!

DonQuichote.

Morality aside, you don’t want to pursue a girl who has had a live-in boyfriend for 8 years. This is not to disqualify her worth as a person and usefulness to society or Church, but it’s simply not the kind of relationship-related atmosphere you want to be involved in.

 

[Kelfa28]

Sure dating may not be married…but if any guy, especially one I knew, tried to pursue me while I was still dating my, now, husband…they would not longer be apart of my life as a friend…let alone dating potential.

It’s totally disrespectful…regardless of the length or status of the relationship. It puts her in a very uncomfortable and awkward situation with you.

You’d be disrespecting both her and her boyfriend by trying to plant yourself in the middle of the relationship.

Sinful? I don’t know. Wrong? Absolutely.

 

[GEddie]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I am sure that if you were in a stable long term relationship, you would want others not to horn in on you but to respect that relationship. Therefore it doth behooveth you to do the same to the other fellow.

And apart from that, how likely is it that she would throw over a long-standing relationship for you? In all likelihood, you’d be earning a ton of grief. Spare yourself and stay out of this situation, IMNAAHO.

ICXC NIKA.

 

[Lou2U]

Hi all, I don’t know if this is the right place to pose my question. I want to know, from a Catholic perspective, what are the do’s and don’t when pursuing a girl that has a boyfriend.

The case is we dated in the past, but then didn’t see each other for a couple of years. We just met one week ago and I think I’m falling for her. Se has a boyfriend for 8 years (not sure how the two of them are doing) and they live together.

My question is: is it sinful to pursue her? She isn’t married or whatever, but still. What are the do’s and don’t from a Catholic perspective. Thanks in advance!

DonQuichote.

Why would you pursue a girl who has a boyfriend? What good do you think will come of it?

I don’t know if it is sinful, but it isn’t a good idea. If this girl wanted you to pursue her, she wouldn’t have a boyfriend. It doesn’t matter “how the two of them are doing”, what matters is she is dating him, and therefore you should not spend time pursuing her.

Lou

 

[DonQuichote1235]

Thanks guys for your answers. I’d reckon I would get some of these answers. Just to make sure: I’m not trying to get in the middle of this relationship…not at all. It’s very hard to explain this in plain text, but I will not actively ruin their relationship. That was not my intention at all. But why can’t I be more in touch with her? I thought there was a ‘click’ both ways. She is not married and they have no legal status or whatsoever. I will not try to breach it, but I’m just saying if she likes me too what can I do? Or what can’t I do?..Please don’t judge me…I’m just figuring out what the possibilities are (within Catholic morals). If there aren’t then there aren’t…Thanks!

DonQuichote!

 

[agnes_therese]

Thanks guys for your answers. I’d reckon I would get some of these answers. Just to make sure: I’m not trying to get in the middle of this relationship…not at all. It’s very hard to explain this in plain text, but I will not actively ruin their relationship. That was not my intention at all. But why can’t I be more in touch with her? I thought there was a ‘click’ both ways. She is not married and they have no legal status or whatsoever. I will not try to breach it, but I’m just saying if she likes me too what can I do? Or what can’t I do?..Please don’t judge me…I’m just figuring out what the possibilities are (within Catholic morals). If there aren’t then there aren’t…Thanks!

DonQuichote!

Your first post specifically mentioned “pursuing” her. That would most certainly be “trying to get in the middle of this relationship.”

No, there are no possibilities. I don’t see how you could possibly think this would be right.

 

[Lou2U]

Thanks guys for your answers. I’d reckon I would get some of these answers. Just to make sure: I’m not trying to get in the middle of this relationship…not at all. It’s very hard to explain this in plain text, but I will not actively ruin their relationship. That was not my intention at all. But why can’t I be more in touch with her? I thought there was a ‘click’ both ways. She is not married and they have no legal status or whatsoever. I will not try to breach it, but I’m just saying if she likes me too what can I do? Or what can’t I do?..Please don’t judge me…I’m just figuring out what the possibilities are (within Catholic morals). If there aren’t then there aren’t…Thanks!

DonQuichote!

You can only be more in touch with her if you put all romantic thoughts out of your head. That being said, maybe she doesn’t want to be in touch with a man she previously dated as it could be inappropriate for her. It doesn’t matter if there is a ‘click’, if she doesn’t want to keep in touch, then she doesn’t want to keep in touch.

The way you say ‘she is not married and they have no legal status’ also doesn’t matter. She is in a relationship, like it or not.

If she likes you back - does she? Has she said so? Has she indicated this to you in any way? If no, stop thinking this could be a possibility. Don’t waste your time.

If she has indicated/said she likes you in more than a friend kind of way - stop her in her tracks. She is still in a relationship, and living with this man. If she wants to be in a relationship with you, then she needs to sort out her current relationship.

Lou

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Thanks guys for your answers. I’d reckon I would get some of these answers. Just to make sure: I’m not trying to get in the middle of this relationship…not at all. It’s very hard to explain this in plain text, but I will not actively ruin their relationship. That was not my intention at all. But why can’t I be more in touch with her? I thought there was a ‘click’ both ways. She is not married and they have no legal status or whatsoever. I will not try to breach it, but I’m just saying if she likes me too what can I do? Or what can’t I do?..Please don’t judge me…I’m just figuring out what the possibilities are (within Catholic morals). If there aren’t then there aren’t…Thanks!

DonQuichote!

Are you going to keep asking this question until you get the answer you want?

The woman may not be married in a church (or any civil ceremony), but she and this man have been together for eight years and are currently living together. (They may be considered common-law married, depending on the local laws of where you are.) Maybe this isn’t ‘married’ as you would deem it, but it is a pretty long-standing and solid relationship, so you need to stay out of it.

And don’t even go the ‘can’t I be her friend’ route. You’ve already established that’s not what you want, so back away entirely. She clearly considers herself ‘taken’, and you need to respect that.

 

[Kelfa28]

I can tell you, with all honesty, not many men would feel comfortable allowing their girlfriend to hang around a man she used to be romantically involved with.

I can’t speak for everyone…but even if the split was amicable and there was no lingering feelings for each other…I still would never hang out with any of my ex-boyfriends, even in a casual manner, especially if I was in a relationship with someone else.

I had one other long-term relationship besides my husband. He was the same. Neither of us made any kind of contact with our respective exes…out of respect and dignity for each other. This was true for each stage of our relationship…from dating, to engagement to marriage.

There is no proper or correct path around this. You like her but she is in a relationship and is in love with someone else. Full stop, end of story.

Move on.

 

[Xantippe]

I can tell you, with all honesty, not many men would feel comfortable allowing their girlfriend to hang around a man she used to be romantically involved with.

I can’t speak for everyone…but even if the split was amicable and there was no lingering feelings for each other…I still would never hang out with any of my ex-boyfriends, even in a casual manner, especially if I was in a relationship with someone else.

I had one other long-term relationship besides my husband. He was the same. Neither of us made any kind of contact with our respective exes…out of respect and dignity for each other. This was true for each stage of our relationship…from dating, to engagement to marriage.

There is no proper or correct path around this. You like her but she is in a relationship and is in love with someone else. Full stop, end of story.

Move on.

I know some people successfully manage friendships with exes, but this is something different. There’s a fundamental dishonesty in the Schroedinger’s ex-boyfriend situation. If you’re “just a friend” be a friend. If you’re a suitor, be a suitor. But don’t be lurking about pretending to be “just a friend” when what you actually are is a suitor.

 

[Kelfa28]

I know some people successfully manage friendships with exes, but this is something different. There’s a fundamental dishonesty in the Schroedinger’s ex-boyfriend situation. If you’re “just a friend” be a friend. If you’re a suitor, be a suitor. But don’t be lurking about pretending to be “just a friend” when what you actually are is a suitor.

I guess everyone is different.

But one can never be sure what the actual intentions of the ex are. Besides, is it showing respect to the current relationship to be hanging our with old flames?

Being honest is of upmost importance. It’s disingenuous to approach this situation by proposing a friendship while secretly harboring feelings that go further then just friends.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Well although it’s true she’s not married, she is living with a guy for 8 years. I’d probably conclude that she has zero interest in practicing a Catholic faith and walking in grace.

So my question is, do you want to put Christ to the side for a relationship? Do you yourself not wish to walk in the grace of God? Do you not wish to build on a foundation of rock, which is Christ? We are all broken and sinners so to move forward without God’s help is to flirt with disaster.

Please strengthen your own faith and find a woman that wishes this as well. We need God’s help in this world. We don’t know if we will even be here a year from now. When God comes for you, be in his friendship and his love. That’s the smart thing to pursue.

May God guide and keep you this day.

 

[on_the_hill]

Just to make sure: I’m not trying to get in the middle of this relationship…not at all. It’s very hard to explain this in plain text, but I will not actively ruin their relationship. That was not my intention at all. But why can’t I be more in touch with her?

DonQuichote!

Because your intention is to hang close enough so that if, on the off chance she dumps him for you, you can pick up with her with a clear conscience.

It’s a passive aggressive way of stealing the girl from the other guy, in my opinion.

Morally wrong? I dunno. Unethical? Yes.

 

[GEddie]

Because your intention is to hang close enough so that if, on the off chance she dumps him for you, you can pick up with her with a clear conscience.

It’s a passive aggressive way of stealing the girl from the other guy, in my opinion.

Morally wrong? I dunno. Unethical? Yes.

It may not be morally wrong, but you are also wasting life (and possibly youth) by waiting for her.

You were together for a time more than eight years ago, but the geometry was not there to hold you together. Now, it seems that it **was **right for her and this other fellow.

It doesn’t matter “how they are doing.” The fact they live together is all the answer you need.

It’s been eight years. How much more of you life are you gonna devote to this lady who’s not there for you?

There’s no percentage in her and you. The sooner you let go of her – full stop, the sooner you may find someone who will be there for you.

ICXC NIKA

 

[PennyinCanada]

If she lived with him for 8 years and leaves to be with you, what makes you think that she won’t leave you for a better opportunity? Not to mention that there might be kids involved by then.

 

[jmcrae]

Hi all, I don’t know if this is the right place to pose my question. I want to know, from a Catholic perspective, what are the do’s and don’t when pursuing a girl that has a boyfriend.

Don’t.

The case is we dated in the past, but then didn’t see each other for a couple of years. We just met one week ago and I think I’m falling for her. Se has a boyfriend for 8 years (not sure how the two of them are doing) and they live together.

Good heavens. DON’T.

My question is: is it sinful to pursue her?

I would say, rather, suicidal.

If the boyfriend doesn’t kill you, she probably will.

Morality doesn’t enter into it; common sense says, stay away - she is in a serious relationship - sinful by our standards, but the law considers them to be “common law” spouses.

 

[on_the_hill]

but the law considers them to be “common law” spouses.

Maybe. It’s not quite that simple. My understanding is that the couple have to pass themselves off as husband and wife, that they have to be “commonly” known as married.