More advice please!

[Rose71]

Some time ago, I posted a request for advice concerning a friendship I had with a divorced man. Just to make it clear from the outset, this is a platonic friendship: we enjoy one another’s company and have some interests in common.

I made it my Lenten task to pray for wisdom in handling this friendship, because I do find him very attractive. I don’t indulge those thoughts, or go off into flights of fantasy about what ‘could have been’ if not for the fact he is divorced; well, maybe I do occasionally, but I try to acknowledge that I’m just daydreaming and make a point of finding other thoughts to think

The ironic thing is, that through meeting him, I have joined this forum and I seem to have entered a new phase in my life, in which I am really exploring what being a Catholic means to me. We have discussed religion and he is a Christian and has said he would be interested in coming along to Mass with me and also invited me to attend the service at his parish church. I have told him quite openly that I can’t date him unless he was free to marry in the eyes of the Church (mine, not his) and he accepts that.

So…ironic thing No.2what we are doing now, spending time together and developing a deeper understanding of one another - without the distraction of getting physical and addicted to the buzz that brings (rubbish way of describing it, I know) is getting rather hard to distinguish between friendship and courtship - having just read the huge long discussion about dating being wrong!

Above all, I value his friendship and I would be gutted if it ended. Add the fact that a relationship would be adultery and for me, it should be clear cut. However, a small part of me thinks ‘hang on! I’ve prayed for wisdom; I’ve dressed modestly around him; I’ve never lead him on (I hope) and I’ve been open about my beliefs and he STILL wants to be around me and I love his company too…I have never had a relationship quite like this - I’m confused! (even after reading the CTS booklet on annulments!)’ Maybe I should have faith and hope it is meant to be after all?After all, God is all-powerful and after converting St. Paul, a basically good and decent man who had an unfortunate 1st marriage shouldn’t be a problem!

My father has warned me against ‘giving him too much hope’ because annulments are almost impossible to come by and I would hate myself if I hurt him by letting him think I want more than friendship. Realistically, I don’t know nearly enough about him to determine whether he is husband material - partly because every time my brain wanders down that train of thought I MAKE it change course!

I know he has been deeply hurt by women in the past and is genuinely scared of getting involved with anyone again, so throwing him any crumbs of hope would be very cruel indeed.

I’d appreciate a man’s point of view: do you think we can continue as friends? If we both know where we stand, can we just enjoy our friendship and go out for meals and walks and drinks together, as long as we are clear about where we stand? It isn’t ‘dating’ after all.

Am I right to put all thoughts of a future together right out of my head? Would that be acting on my faith - or against it because I would be giving up hope?

I am sure I have confused everyone now - but if you can come up with any words of advice, they would be appreciated:thumbsup:

 

[srlucado]

You’re both adults. If he knows the risks and limitations and decides to continue to see you anyway, that’s his decision, not yours.

You’ve been very open with him, so he can’t claim he wasn’t warned.

If both of you can seriously and sincerely be content within these constraints, why not continue? (And don’t pay any attention to that thread about dating being wrong; it’s hard-hearted, bitter nonsense.)

All that being said, don’t limit yourself on other relationships that do have serious potential. Clearly, you are a sensitive and caring individual; don’t smother good possibilities because of an impossibility (or severe unlikelihood).

 

[jwatza]

This is from a female perspective: I really don’t think that it is proper for someone to become close friends with the opposite sex unless you are thinking about marriage. There is too much temptation and I am sure hurt feelings will result. If you are interested in him, you should wait until he gets an annulment before proceeding in some type of relationship. Otherwise, what is the point? Most likely, he needs to learn how to have male friendships and support and you would be wise to seek out female friends for enjoyment until you are ready to be involved in a courtship type of relationship. It is not good for either of you to become dependent on each other for support since he is truly not available to pursue a relationship at this point.

 

[catholickitten]

This is from a female perspective: I really don’t think that it is proper for someone to become close friends with the opposite sex unless you are thinking about marriage. There is too much temptation and I am sure hurt feelings will result. If you are interested in him, you should wait until he gets an annulment before proceeding in some type of relationship. Otherwise, what is the point? Most likely, he needs to learn how to have male friendships and support and you would be wise to seek out female friends for enjoyment until you are ready to be involved in a courtship type of relationship. It is not good for either of you to become dependent on each other for support since he is truly not available to pursue a relationship at this point.

I second this.