More boundary advice please

[Anglewannabe]

I need more advice on how to set a boundary. In a previous post, I wrote about this lady I am on a committee with and I am supposed to be taking over for her. And she is totally disorganized, never gives me clear instructions, never gives me the information I will need to take over and always talks social instead of business. Also, she is very opinionated and it is hard to have a conversation with her because she turns everything into an argument.

We will be having a meeting at her house soon. I do not want to spend any more time than necessary there. I want to go, do business and come home. I do NOT want to end up staying there all night talking (which consists of me listening to her because I am petrified anything I say will turn into an argument).

I know from experience if I say directly ‘Can we please have an agenda beforehand because there is a lot to get done and I don’t have much time’, just the fact that I asked will probably be her motivation to not do it. Also, I think she will perceive it as me trying to control the situation. She is one of those people who ALWAYS resist request even when they are made in the spirit of doing what is best for the team. I also think if I was to say ‘I know you are busy, can I make the agenda’, she would probably just ignore the agenda I make, or criticize it and she definitely will think I am being controlling. Even though I am trying to help out. (After all, if her disorganization continues I may have to leave the committee and my intention is to stay on the committee)

So how do people feel I should handle it? Since we have had a few meetings already and the tone is set, I don’t feel comfortable asking for things to change without providing a solution. However, since experience has taught me there is NO working things out with her, I am starting to think my best bet is to put it in an email ‘Sally, I will have to leave at 9pm’. And everytime she goes on a tangent, say ‘Sally, just a friendly reminder I am leaving at 9’ And at 9 getting up and leaving.

What do others think?

Angie

 

[JackieMom]

Tell her at the start of business that you need to go at 9 PM, and at 8:55, collect your things, thank her for hosting and say goodbye. And just leave. If she attempts to follow you or interject say, “I’m sorry, but I really do have to leave now.” And keep walking.

 

[coachdennis]

Tell her at the start of business that you need to go at 9 PM, and at 8:55, collect your things, thank her for hosting and say goodbye. And just leave. If she attempts to follow you or interject say, “I’m sorry, but I really do have to leave now.” And keep walking.

This and remember, you do not owe her an explanation as to WHY you must leave at a certain time. Do not offer one – if will give her an opportunity to talk you out of original plans. Do not let her “into your head”.

 

[1ke]

Where is the leader of this organization in all of this? Simply tell the leader that Person A is impossible to work with and if they want you to take over the committee then they need to make you the head NOW and you need to start running things your way. If not, then bow out.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Find some other organization to volunteer with. This woman is a “spoiler,” she ruins the experience for everyone around her. TOXIC people cannot be placated. Run in the other direction. You’re not even getting paid for this torture, and life is too short to waste one minute of time on people like this woman.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why not implement a rotational system whereby everyone has a turn at setting the agenda as many workplace environments do within teams. This way, the rest of the Committee Members will see your contribution and acknowledge that you may well be the best person to lead the Committee.

If you know that this is your Calling and are the best person to organize the Committee Meetings and papers; pray and ask for Jesus and Mother Mary’s Divine Holy Loving Wisdom to flow through all the Committee Members and yourself for the best solution!

Praying The Holy Rosaries twice daily is my way!

 

[PatriceA]

Tell her at the start of business that you need to go at 9 PM, and at 8:55, collect your things, thank her for hosting and say goodbye. And just leave. If she attempts to follow you or interject say, “I’m sorry, but I really do have to leave now.” And keep walking.

This.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Tell her at the start of business that you need to go at 9 PM, and at 8:55, collect your things, thank her for hosting and say goodbye. And just leave. If she attempts to follow you or interject say, “I’m sorry, but I really do have to leave now.” And keep walking.

I think I would prefer when I accept the invitation tell her ‘I can only stay until 9:00pm’. And then repeat it when I get there. I (unlike her) like to be upfront ASAP and let people know where they stand (even if it will go over her head, at least I know I did the right thing)

 

[Anglewannabe]

This and remember, you do not owe her an explanation as to WHY you must leave at a certain time. Do not offer one – if will give her an opportunity to talk you out of original plans. Do not let her “into your head”.

I 100% understand what you are saying. It is just I am one of those ‘nice’ people who would feel rude. But that is exactly what I need to work on

 

[Anglewannabe]

Where is the leader of this organization in all of this? Simply tell the leader that Person A is impossible to work with and if they want you to take over the committee then they need to make you the head NOW and you need to start running things your way. If not, then bow out.

Right now, she is the leader of that part of the committee. There really isn’t one leader since it is a self run group. There is a ‘head of the committee’ but I doubt he could/would do anything at this point

 

[Anglewannabe]

Find some other organization to volunteer with. This woman is a “spoiler,” she ruins the experience for everyone around her. TOXIC people cannot be placated. Run in the other direction. You’re not even getting paid for this torture, and life is too short to waste one minute of time on people like this woman.

Correct, I am NOT being paid for this torture. However, I am not working and the longer I am out of work, the worse I look. I NEED this to have on my resume in order to show I am not wasting my time sitting at home. And since it is a professional organization, it does look real good on paper.

 

[Anglewannabe]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why not implement a rotational system whereby everyone has a turn at setting the agenda as many workplace environments do within teams. This way, the rest of the Committee Members will see your contribution and acknowledge that you may well be the best person to lead the Committee.

If you know that this is your Calling and are the best person to organize the Committee Meetings and papers; pray and ask for Jesus and Mother Mary’s Divine Holy Loving Wisdom to flow through all the Committee Members and yourself for the best solution!

Praying The Holy Rosaries twice daily is my way!

If I was to take a turn and set the agenda, she would just not follow it and since we are in a group I will be too embarrassed to speak up in front of everybody

 

[1ke]

If I was to take a turn and set the agenda, she would just not follow it and since we are in a group I will be too embarrassed to speak up in front of everybody

Well, if you are not willing to speak up, it will just continue.

I can suggest the book Crucial Conversations if you are looking to improve your ability to speak up in these situations.

 

[maryjk]

This and remember, you do not owe her an explanation as to WHY you must leave at a certain time. Do not offer one – if will give her an opportunity to talk you out of original plans. Do not let her “into your head”.

This is really important.

Do not allow her to get into your head.

Do not explain why you have to leave at 9. When she asks simply remind her you have to leave at 9.

 

[Pax2u]

Find some other organization to volunteer with. This woman is a “spoiler,” she ruins the experience for everyone around her. TOXIC people cannot be placated. Run in the other direction. You’re not even getting paid for this torture, and life is too short to waste one minute of time on people like this woman.

I agree with this. You aren’t going to change this person, so change what you are doing…find another place to volunteer!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Correct, I am NOT being paid for this torture. However, I am not working and the longer I am out of work, the worse I look. I NEED this to have on my resume in order to show I am not wasting my time sitting at home. And since it is a professional organization, it does look real good on paper.

Well, then, you will have to find a way to succeed in spite of this woman. To my mind, the time spent isn’t worth the possible reward. I would have to look for some other way to pad my resume’.