More Drama with the in laws WARNING: Quite long read only if you have the extra time!

[jazzy0710]

Hey everyone,

I think most of you would remember me from my very first post about my in law drama.

There is more yet again. What I am asking for is prayer and insight. I am curious to know if I am being unreasonable or if I am wasting my time, etc. What ever you may think please throw it out there. My husband and I are soooo exhausted and lost and don’t know what to do anymore. If you have some extra time and may help to go back to that very first post I wrote just to get an idea of the kind of people that my husband’s father and stepmother are.

I have had to divide this up into a few posts so keep scrolling down.

So here it goes.

I have actually known my father in law’s wife longer than he has. She drove the school bus when I was in high school. Back then, she was a completely different person. Or so I thought. I don’t know. I just see a completely different side of her now than I did then. Back then she seemed more down to earth and happy.

She began dating my Father in law in the fall of 2009. When they began dating, I saw a completely different side of my father in law as well. Everyone else saw this new side of him as well. He was slightly happier, but then she became the center of his universe and he put her above everything else, including his own children and other family, at times.

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2010. We were engaged for approximately 3 and a half years and we were dating for 3 and a half years when he proposed. We weren’t in a rush we took our time because we wanted everything to go smoothly, not to be in a bunch of debt, etc. We also lived together first for 2 years before we got married which helped as well because we were able to learn more about each other. I have no regrets about how we went about it and neither does my husband.

Anyway…

A few weeks before the wedding my mom and dad ran into them at the local mall. My husband’s step mother approached my mother and introduced herself, and congratulated my mom on getting a new son in the family. My husband’s stepmother was very excited about the wedding. However, my father in law then proceeds to ramble on that it isn’t a good idea, that we are rushing into it, that it isn’t going to work, etc etc. My Dad, Mom, and even my husband’s stepmom were totally shocked by his comments. My Mom’s anger got the better of her and then she leaned over in his face and reminded him of how long my husband and I have been together, what we have accomplished together etc. Then she reminded him that my husband isn’t even his biological son(he adopted him at the age of 2 and gave him his name) and thank goodness for that and that just because he failed at marriage two times doesn’t mean that my husband will too. I found my mom’s comments to be a little harsh, but I have to admit that I was proud of her for defending me and my husband.

Anyway…

Christmas 2010 my father in law proposed to her. So they were only together for a little over a year. Yet he thought my hsuband and I were rushing after being together as long as we were. Like that makes sense. They eloped to Las Vegas in April of 2011. My sister in law asked him if they planned on getting married while they were down there. He said no that they were just going on vacation. That they were going to check out the casinos, some shows, cirque du solei, go to some beaches, check out Arizona, etc. Well they did end up getting married while they were done there and my sister in law was very upset that she was lied to like that. He claimed that it was a spurr of the moment thing and he didn’t even know if it was real or not but it was real to her.

 

[jazzy0710]

CONTINUATION OF FIRST POST: PART 2:

I apologize for rambling but I can assure you now that I am going to get to the point.

I am not going to go into detail on this aspect because it will take too long. When we got married these two were a royal pain in the bumb. I was so stressed out that I kept a distance from them for that time between july 2010 and April 2011. My birthday happens to be in April and at this time I had a party at a local restaurant. There were a few people there, including some of my co-workers. My husband’s stepmother has become very obnoxious and loud since she got with my father in law and we aren’t really sure why. Anyway, first she bickers at my best friend for kissing her boyfriend telling her that it was inappropriate and that we didn’t want to see that. Then she stands up when I start opening up gifts and hands me a very nice bottle of vodka. She then says “this is because we love you so stop thinking bad thoughts about us”. I was absolutely mortified, but I decided to let it go.

Fast foward to August now. It was my husband’s birthday and we were all at another restaurant. Everything was going fine until we were leaving. I was calling a cab for my husband and I when I overheard a discussion between her (stepmom) and her biological son. I couldn’t hear every thing but I did hear her say in a very sarcastic tone “It’s only been since he’s married her”. I realize that it could have meant anything but I found it weird that he says to her shhhh! and looks right at me. I was so hurt that I didn’t have anything to do with her or my father in law for a while. Then a couple of days before chirstmas 2011 she comes over and finally apologizes.

Everything was fine, or so I thought…

In January of this year she decided to purchase a family cell phone plan and gave a phone to my husband. He didn’t really want the phone because he didn’t think he could afford it at the time. She told him don’t worry about it that she’d look after it unless he did something really dumb.

On Valentine’s Day we were stressed out because the buses were on strike and we pretty much had to walk everywhere we went. We were having a pretty good day trying to relax, and just enjoy one another’s company and have a nice dinner when all of a sudden she starts texting my husband telling him she needs some money because his bill was expensive. We were both annoyed that she was bothering us during dinner like that. She knew that we were out and that time yet it didn’t seem to fizz on her at all. Both she and my father in law are both very bad for that, calling and texting repeatedly when we are busy or whatever. I will atcually get into that more later.

Anyway…

I started seeing my therapist in may because I was having issues with anger. So much bulid up and I wasn’t letting it out and needed help to learn how to get it out.He suggested that I hit a punching bag. We have one at work so I thought ok I can do that.

I wanted to get a pair of my own gloves, pink, ladies everlast ones but I didn’t know where to find some so I put it on my facebook that I was looking for some did anyone know where I could find some. My husband’s stepmother comments on my status: " I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOU TWO CAN HELP PAY FOR THIS PHONE BILL OVER HERE BECAUSE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A PAIR OF BOXING GLOVES LOL". I was absolutely livid. I can’t remember the last time I wqas so mad. My husband was mad too. How dare she? I had nothing to do with the phone how dare she post that to my facebook! I replied back and told her that I didn’t apprechiate that at all that if she had a problem to call him or even better, to come over and talk to him considering that they live in the building right beside us. She got very defensive and told me that I should know her by now that she is a foot in the mouth type of person and that it was only meant as a joke. I told her that my husband and I certainly were not laughing and to never do anything like that ever again. Next thing I know she deletes and blocks me from facebook and won’t talk to me. This was back in June.

Her not wanting anything to do with me and created a lot of chaos in the family and has put a very big strain on me, my husband, my father in law, and my sister in law.

A few weeks later my sister in law had a bbq at her house which is also very close by. Two of these guests were the grandsons of my father in law’s 2nd wife. We love the boys very much and feel blessed that we are still able to see them. Their father dropped them off at mine and my hsuband’s place and we took them up. They are 11 and 6 yrs old. The 11 yr old met my husband’s stepmother before in the past and he liked her and wanted his little brother to meet her. She refused to come to my sister in law’s house because I was there and because she didn’t like my sister in law’s common law husband because he was having trouble finding work at the time and she felt he was lazy. The boys were so upset she wouldn’t come that made me so sad.

 

[jazzy0710]

CONTINUATION PART 3:

My husband’s stepmother slowly started turning my father in law against me. In July they took my sister in law out for supper for her birthday and invited some of their friends along. My sister in law wanted me to go and I asked her when it was. I was talking to her on facebook chat and she had them on the phone to find out the exact date and time. They told her I was busy working. I told her that I found it funny that they would say that because they don’t talk to me. She told her father that she wanted me to come because I am her sister in law and that if they were going to try and keep me away not to bother having it at all.

My husband and I went but his stepmother sat down at the opposite end of the table and wouldn’t talk to me or make any eye contact with me. I had a very bad pain in my gums and went to the washroom at one point and she gave me an advil but didn’t hand it to me she gave it to my sister in law to hand to me.

My husband and I were getting very fusturated and kept telling his Dad that this wqas absolutely ridiculous and that he needed to tslk to this woman about her behavior.

A month after my sister in law’s birthday it was my husband’s 30th. I arranged a surprise party at a local pub. I told my father in law that she could come if she wanted to but if she caused any chaos that they had to leave that I wasn’t gonna gave my husband stressed out like that on his day.

She came and at first everything was ok. Until the waiter came over. I booked the reservation for something like 13 people but the seats they reserved for us didn’t fit everyone so she decides to bicker at him and say “we booked this for 13 people” and then asks him to move us out on the patio. I think to myself I booked this why doesn’t she tell him to talk to me and shut her mouth. Thank goodness for my father in law interupting them and telling the guy to come talk to me. She gave me a dirty look but I didn’t care.

My husband left to go away to study culinary arts for the navy. He wanted us all to get along and wanted this fixed before he left. He went next door one night to talk to them. He said that we all needed to sit down and have a meeting because this was getting ridiculous and that he wasn’t taking no for an answer. That
there have been many ongoing unresolved issues. She asks my husband if they have been only since she has come into the picture. He said yes. She stood up and started crying and screaming that everyone hates her and she went in the bedroom and slammed the door and then came out 15 minutes later with a bag packed and walked out. But did come back later that night and my father in law said that it was like nothing happened.

When my hsuband came home at thanksgiving we had just got in the door and they started blowing up his phone. The last text was ridiculous. He (FIL) said that the xmas eve party was still on at my SIL’s house and that he could at least take the time to go up there and visit with him and his sister. My husband calls him back and tells him that he wasn’t even in the door for 30 minutes and that he would apprechiate it if he would be patient and wait for him to reply and of course he starts bickering at my husband like he always does every time my husband tries to defend himself, explain something, reason, etc etc.

My Husband asked him to come over and visit the next day and he said he wasn’t really sure would have to talk to his wife first. He did come over, drunk as could be, and only stayed for 45 minutes and then left. I did not go out in the living room to see him I stayed in the bedroom for fear that I would say something I regret.

I will admit that my anger did get the best out of me and one point when my father in law and I were chatting on the computer. I did say some things about him and his wife, especially his wife that I shouldn’t have said.

 

[jazzy0710]

CONTINUATION PART 4:

i was prepared at one point to not have anything to do with them. then after thinking about our future children, and having a very good talk with a father-figure type friend I realized how time is so precious, how important forgiveness is and how hate and anger in your heart can consume you. So I thought I’d try and make peace. This was recently in the last week. I atcually did try and contact her to make peace on her birthday but that didn’t work. she ignored me. then she contacted me in september and I ignored her.

All I want for christmas is for us to all get along and to never ever have this sort of drama ever again. I sent a message to my father in law yesterday taking responsibility for my actions (even though I think really that she should be the one contacting me and apologizing for what she put on facebook) I also told him that I don’t hate them and that I love them, I was just very fusturated and that I wanted this to end and for them to come visit. He agreed to come visit but didn’t know about her and said that he’d see what he could do.

What do you think about this? My therapsit feels it’s not me that it’s her. The fact that outsiders have commented on them being too intense and not being able to be around them for long periods of time. He also thinks that she’s got severe and deep emotional scars from her previous marriage. And then the fact that she has fought with her own children and has gone months without talking to them makes him believe that it’s her.

So what do you think? Do you think she’ll ever talk to me again? Again I am very sorry that this is so long. I just wanted to make sure I covered everything.

Look forward to hearing from you all

 

[Lorelei12]

It all sounds like a lot of drama, lots of people saying things they shouldn’t, being petty, and acting immaturely. It really sounds like you are all feeding into the drama in some way or another. Is there a particular reason you live next door to them? What it sounds like to me is that you need to put some physical distance between yourselves. Can you move a little further away?

Also, do not accept things like cell phones from people if you do not want to be beholden to them. It would have been better for your husband to not accept it in the first place, but even if she said she would pay, he should have just given her back the phone and said “I thought our understanding was that you would be paying, but I must have misunderstood. We can’t afford this; I’ll be getting my own plan”. I really think the only way for your situation to improve is to distance yourselves. Take control of the situation, and don’t react. For instance, if you are at dinner and are annoyed at being texted, simply turn the phone off. Allow other people to do what they are going to do, and just keep tight boundaries.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

As the kids say,

“TLDR”

Too long, didn’t read. In your case, it was MUCH too long. Everyone seems to be involved in the stage play, so everyone is getting something out of it. If you don’t like drama (not likely), then distance yourself from the people who create it. Otherwise, you’re part of the problem.

 

[Ophelia23]

jazzy0710:

All I want for christmas is for us to all get along and to never ever have this sort of drama ever again. I sent a message to my father in law yesterday taking responsibility for my actions (even though I think really that she should be the one contacting me and apologizing for what she put on facebook)…

I read your entire post. I say this with love and honesty. I truly think you are a part of the problem as much as anyone else in the story, not a part of the solution. In this portion that I highlighted, you even mention that you apologized for your wrongdoing, but in the same sentence negated it with why she should have apologized and not you. You both hold responsibility in this.

Listen, crazy is crazy. Some people are just nuts and that’s the bottom line of it. Trust me, I get it. I married into a family with a few as well. There comes a point when we simply can not feed into it. All we can do–and the best thing we can do–it to just embrace crazy for what it is. You haven’t reached that point yet. You get angry. You fight back. You call names and say things you regret as well. This is not going to blow over until you can simply smile, nod, and let it go. I mean, REALLY let it go. You let it seethe in your heart and get worse. Until you work within yourself to learn how to overcome that, you will not overcome this.

Please know I am praying for you, that you may learn wisdom and patience, understanding and empathy, and most of all, restraint. It will come with time if you allow it to.:hug3:

 

[Bezant]

I’m afraid I must be blunt. You and your husband need to pick your battles and be decisive about your boundaries, because situations like this shouldn’t carry on for two years.

Talking is likely a pointless solution. If you to hang on to every snide comment or squabble, and if you fail to keep a healthy distance from your in-laws, the cycle of bickering will probably snowball.

Since your stepmother-in-law is ignoring you, see this as an opportunity to avoid the drama. Make your own weekend plans. Delete harassing text messages. Remove her from facebook. Keep contact with the family to a respectful minimum. And make it a habit. If it’s an option for you, you might want to spend Christmas or the New Year elsewhere.

And above all, don’t enter any formal commitment with your in-laws – no matter how trivial or innocent.

 

[YESSENIA1]

To much to read!!! All family’s have something going on to some
extent. I choose to stay out of my family’s drama. Instead I pray
For the person starting stuff…I will pray for you to find peace…

 

[odile53]

Phew! I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of energy this consumes!

You really do need to distance yourself from this, emotionally if not physically. You will have to exert an enormous amount of willpower to not rise to the bait. And you need to discern what you are adding to the situation: It may only be your reaction that encourages further hysteria. You can’t, for example, afford to look like your feelings are hurt because of how someone looks at you.

Until you figure out what you are getting from staying stuck in this bizarre scenario, I predict you will continue to stay stuck.

You mentioned that your father-in-law came over drunk: Is alcohol a recurrent factor in these skirmishes? If so, I would recommend that you consider attending some AlAnon meetings. They are for families of people who abuse alcohol, and will help you regain your sanity regardless of whether the alcohol abuser continues to drink. “Regaining your sanity” is not a harsh expression here: It is nearly impossible for one to be involved with someone who is abusing alcohol without becoming somewhat neurotic and unhealthy oneself. That is because the alcohol abuse creates an alternate reality that is impossible to navigate with common notions of what is normal and what is not.

I’d question a therapist who wants to ascribe blame in such a situation, and here is why: One is responsible only for one’s own behavior. Regardless of who is “at fault,” only you can make the decision to live sanely for yourself, regardless of what the “at fault” party is doing. Only you can make the decision to exert yourself to reject the insane behavior, and live a happy and reasonable life. Wishing the “at fault” party would stop doing whatever it is that they are doing puts you at the mercy of the behavior of a mad person. No reasonable therapist would encourage a client in treatment to surrender power in a situation to a patently unreasonable person.

Do you live in an apartment? If you do (i.e., you don’t have a house and a mortgage to dispose of,) physically moving at some distance might be a very good option. I’m not talking about halfway across the continent; I’m suggesting maybe outside of the same neighborhood.

Vis a vis the cell phone: I would return that to her if it is causing more trouble than it’s worth. Or, here’s another idea: Turn it off when you don’t wish to be interrupted. You will get whatever messages are left when you turn it back on.

Quite seriously, though: I’d take a long hard look at just how much of an influence alcohol is in these skirmishes.

 

[mafh]

I know this is difficult to hear, but I think you are as much of a problem in this situation as your husband’s stepmother. Here is what I think:

1. You need to seperate financially from your husband’s parents – return the phone, pay your portion of the bill if they think it’s appropiate and don’t get into another financial relationship like this.
2. Almost nobody could survive living next door to their in-laws – you need to move.
3. You need to accept your husband’s stepmother both as a social unit with your father-in-law, and as your husband’s parents. This means you can’t invite the father-in-law without inviting his wife, or put conditions on her attendance. You also need to start thinking of her as a member of the family, albeit a difficult one.
4. You need to stop holding grudges about minor slights that occured ages ago. Forgive and forget is the best policy for this sort of thing, especially with family.
5. You need to realize that sometimes the person that is the identified ‘problem person’ is not really the root problem, but is merely reacting to a bad situation. You thought she was a nice person before, when you knew her as the bus driver. Clearly, your father-in-law also finds she has good qualities, or he wouldn’t have married her. Perhaps you should reflect on what you might have done to damage this relationship, and think about how you might treat her better in future. You can change your own behavior, but you can’t change other people. That is up to them.
6. Almost everyone has difficult family members. It is the responsibility of each of us to figure out how to cope with them in a loving way, without damaging either the family or our own mental health. You should keep working on this.

 

[Joe_5859]

I did read your whole story. Lots of drama.

Remember, we cannot change anyone else’s behavior. We can only change our response to it. That is where you need to focus your energy. Anything else is just going to cause more stress. You don’t need that.

As this is your husband’s family, it really falls to him to set boundaries and stick to them. And you two really need to discuss it and get on the same page. My personal opinion is that living right next door to them is not helping matters. Accepting their “free” cell phone is not helping.

We do not have to “jump” whenever someone beckons us to do so. If the texting is distracting, turn off the phone. Don’t read the texts. Better yet, give the phone back. If someone texts us at a time they know will be inopportune, that is certainly pretty tactless of them. That’s on them. But we needn’t let another’s tactlessness rile us up. We don’t have to read the text immediately just because it is sent. Set boundaries and stick to them.

I would encourage you to really bring this to prayer and pray for a spirit of forgiveness and detachment. There’s no reason to still be harboring ill feelings over your FIL’s disgruntled comments to your mother in a mall 2 1/2 years ago. Let it go. There’s no reason to still be speculating on the murmurings of your step-mom at a restaurant over a year ago. Let it go.

Were those comments and actions hurtful? Of course. But who among us could stand if our every comment was remembered in perpetuity? Let it go. Move on.

If it were me, I would move. Even if it’s not feasible to move a great distance (because of jobs and such), move anywhere besides right next door. Limit phone conversations to once a week. Spend time with other people. Make good Catholic friends. Don’t spend so much time thinking and analyzing your in-laws every word and deed. Don’t give them that much power over your life. Give that power to God.

 

[jazzy0710]

It all sounds like a lot of drama, lots of people saying things they shouldn’t, being petty, and acting immaturely. It really sounds like you are all feeding into the drama in some way or another. Is there a particular reason you live next door to them? What it sounds like to me is that you need to put some physical distance between yourselves. Can you move a little further away?

Also, do not accept things like cell phones from people if you do not want to be beholden to them. It would have been better for your husband to not accept it in the first place, but even if she said she would pay, he should have just given her back the phone and said “I thought our understanding was that you would be paying, but I must have misunderstood. We can’t afford this; I’ll be getting my own plan”. I really think the only way for your situation to improve is to distance yourselves. Take control of the situation, and don’t react. For instance, if you are at dinner and are annoyed at being texted, simply turn the phone off. Allow other people to do what they are going to do, and just keep tight boundaries.

Thank you for your response!

Why do they live next to us?

You’ll enjoy this.

We moved into this building in October 2009. During that time my FIL was living in the house that my SIL lives in, he still owns it though. MY FIL’s wife at that time owned her own house about 20 minutes away. When they got back from Las Vegas they were talking plans of moving in together. The only thing was that she(FIL’s wife) didn’t want to move into his house with him and my SIL because she felt that the house wasn’t big enough for the 3 of them. The reason that my SIL is living in that house is because she is on disability(she has RSD) and they won’t give her enough money to get her own place so she just stays there and she, her boyfriend, and my FIL split the cost of the mortgage 3 ways and then she and her bf pay their own bills. My FIL’s wife sold her house and they bought a trailer just outside the city 45 minutes away. They lived in it for only like 5 or 6 months and then she decided that she didn’t like it out there anymore and it was too far to travel so they moved back up this way but they wanted to move into an apartment so that they could save some money. They were trying to stay under $800.00 for rent and our area is only $755.00 so they moved into the building beside us. We weren’t thrilled but they didn’t see it as being a big deal and told us that everything would be fine.

My Husband did get himself taken off of her plan and has the phone in his name.

As far as distance, that’s why my husband joined the Navy so that we can get a posting far away LOL!

 

[jazzy0710]

As the kids say,

“TLDR”

Too long, didn’t read. In your case, it was MUCH too long. Everyone seems to be involved in the stage play, so everyone is getting something out of it. If you don’t like drama (not likely), then distance yourself from the people who create it. Otherwise, you’re part of the problem.

Interesting insight. Thank you.

 

[jazzy0710]

I read your entire post. I say this with love and honesty. I truly think you are a part of the problem as much as anyone else in the story, not a part of the solution. In this portion that I highlighted, you even mention that you apologized for your wrongdoing, but in the same sentence negated it with why she should have apologized and not you. You both hold responsibility in this.

Listen, crazy is crazy. Some people are just nuts and that’s the bottom line of it. Trust me, I get it. I married into a family with a few as well. There comes a point when we simply can not feed into it. All we can do–and the best thing we can do–it to just embrace crazy for what it is. You haven’t reached that point yet. You get angry. You fight back. You call names and say things you regret as well. This is not going to blow over until you can simply smile, nod, and let it go. I mean, REALLY let it go. You let it seethe in your heart and get worse. Until you work within yourself to learn how to overcome that, you will not overcome this.

Please know I am praying for you, that you may learn wisdom and patience, understanding and empathy, and most of all, restraint. It will come with time if you allow it to.:hug3:

Thank you so much! Blessings to you

 

[jazzy0710]

Talking is likely a pointless solution. If you to hang on to every snide comment or squabble, and if you fail to keep a healthy distance from your in-laws, the cycle of bickering will probably snowball.

Since your stepmother-in-law is ignoring you, see this as an opportunity to avoid the drama. Make your own weekend plans. Delete harassing text messages. Remove her from facebook. Keep contact with the family to a respectful minimum. And make it a habit. If it’s an option for you, you might want to spend Christmas or the New Year elsewhere.

I think it already has snowballed to tell you the truth. The only one that I really feel sorry for in all this is my husband because he doesn’t know what to do he feels lost. As far as Christmas goes, my husband’s father, although not his real one, is the only one that he’s ever known and if he doesn’t go to see him he’ll regret it and my SIL would be likely to turn against him as well if he didn’t go up.

 

[jazzy0710]

To much to read!!! All family’s have something going on to some
extent. I choose to stay out of my family’s drama. Instead I pray
For the person starting stuff…I will pray for you to find peace…

Thank you I greatly apprechiate it.

 

[jazzy0710]

Phew! I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of energy this consumes!

You really do need to distance yourself from this, emotionally if not physically. You will have to exert an enormous amount of willpower to not rise to the bait. And you need to discern what you are adding to the situation: It may only be your reaction that encourages further hysteria. You can’t, for example, afford to look like your feelings are hurt because of how someone looks at you.

Until you figure out what you are getting from staying stuck in this bizarre scenario, I predict you will continue to stay stuck.

You mentioned that your father-in-law came over drunk: Is alcohol a recurrent factor in these skirmishes? If so, I would recommend that you consider attending some AlAnon meetings. They are for families of people who abuse alcohol, and will help you regain your sanity regardless of whether the alcohol abuser continues to drink. “Regaining your sanity” is not a harsh expression here: It is nearly impossible for one to be involved with someone who is abusing alcohol without becoming somewhat neurotic and unhealthy oneself. That is because the alcohol abuse creates an alternate reality that is impossible to navigate with common notions of what is normal and what is not.

I’d question a therapist who wants to ascribe blame in such a situation, and here is why: One is responsible only for one’s own behavior. Regardless of who is “at fault,” only you can make the decision to live sanely for yourself, regardless of what the “at fault” party is doing. Only you can make the decision to exert yourself to reject the insane behavior, and live a happy and reasonable life. Wishing the “at fault” party would stop doing whatever it is that they are doing puts you at the mercy of the behavior of a mad person. No reasonable therapist would encourage a client in treatment to surrender power in a situation to a patently unreasonable person.

Do you live in an apartment? If you do (i.e., you don’t have a house and a mortgage to dispose of,) physically moving at some distance might be a very good option. I’m not talking about halfway across the continent; I’m suggesting maybe outside of the same neighborhood.

Vis a vis the cell phone: I would return that to her if it is causing more trouble than it’s worth. Or, here’s another idea: Turn it off when you don’t wish to be interrupted. You will get whatever messages are left when you turn it back on.

Quite seriously, though: I’d take a long hard look at just how much of an influence alcohol is in these skirmishes.

Alcohol is not an ongoing occurence no. In fact he drinks way less now than he did when he was single. When he was single he was drunk every weekend because he said he was bored. When he came over here that night drunk it was the firs time we’d seen him like that for close to a year.

As far as moving goes as soon as my husband finishes his course that he’s doing then the navy will give him a full time position. He is going to be a cook and they stick cooks where ever they need them. He’s done at the end of April. I can’t wait

 

[jazzy0710]

Please be assured of my prayers.

In my humble opinion you should do your best to change your focus. Do not pray that there will “never be drama again”…instead pray that the Holy Spirit “gives you the courage and spiritual strength to deal with whatever drama comes your way.”

You are embroiled in frustration and want your in-laws to change. Unfortunately they probably won’t, this is why you need God to give you strength. Ask for help in achieving peace amidst the drama.

One tiny example: you mentioned that when you had some pain and were in need of medication, that your mother-in-law handed the tablet to your sister-in-law first to be passed to you, instead of handing it directly to you. Focusing on details and behaviors like this are going to drive you crazy. You are focusing a great deal of energy on what they say and do, what you overhear in conversations, what is said on Facebook and many other things. This is getting you nowhere and is only going to give you headaches and more stress. Jesus wants to help you! He knows what it is like to be surrounded by anger and bitterness. Ask Him to help you carry this cross. With His help you can find peace but you need to open your heart to it first. Don’t expect them to change but if you can change your focus with Christ’s help then you can find the peace that you seek.

Thank you Monicad! I always look forward to your replies. Your advice is always so wise. Blessings to you

 

[jazzy0710]

I did read your whole story. Lots of drama.

Remember, we cannot change anyone else’s behavior. We can only change our response to it. That is where you need to focus your energy. Anything else is just going to cause more stress. You don’t need that.

As this is your husband’s family, it really falls to him to set boundaries and stick to them. And you two really need to discuss it and get on the same page. My personal opinion is that living right next door to them is not helping matters. Accepting their “free” cell phone is not helping.

We do not have to “jump” whenever someone beckons us to do so. If the texting is distracting, turn off the phone. Don’t read the texts. Better yet, give the phone back. If someone texts us at a time they know will be inopportune, that is certainly pretty tactless of them. That’s on them. But we needn’t let another’s tactlessness rile us up. We don’t have to read the text immediately just because it is sent. Set boundaries and stick to them.

I would encourage you to really bring this to prayer and pray for a spirit of forgiveness and detachment. There’s no reason to still be harboring ill feelings over your FIL’s disgruntled comments to your mother in a mall 2 1/2 years ago. Let it go. There’s no reason to still be speculating on the murmurings of your step-mom at a restaurant over a year ago. Let it go.

Were those comments and actions hurtful? Of course. But who among us could stand if our every comment was remembered in perpetuity? Let it go. Move on.

If it were me, I would move. Even if it’s not feasible to move a great distance (because of jobs and such), move anywhere besides right next door. Limit phone conversations to once a week. Spend time with other people. Make good Catholic friends. Don’t spend so much time thinking and analyzing your in-laws every word and deed. Don’t give them that much power over your life. Give that power to God.

Thanks Joe. My husband did get himself taken off the plan right after it happened and had the phone put in his name. I know she has good intentions. Sometimes she just takes it to the extreme. She has even had my husband’s name and his sister’s name tattooed across her chest!

At the end of April my husband will be back and as soon as the Navy has a position for him, we will be gone!