More kids?

  • Thread starter Thread starter NFP1Kate
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

NFP1Kate

Guest
I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
 
I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed right now. I have four children too and can sympathise. It can be a lot to cope with.

What is your understanding of “just/serious/grave/whatever reason”?

Mine would be that if you feel overwhelmed, you have a serious reason to avoid a pregancy at this time. My wife and I have used this as a reason for spacing, and perhaps going forward avoiding, further pregancies…along with other related considerations (eg finances). With four children you have your hands full, and while there are families who do cope with more, it’s not about keeping up with the Joneses or whoever, it’s about you and your parnter working through your own circumstances.
 
I guess I don’t know how to define just/grave/serious in my life. I just know that I am constantly being told that I have to have a good reason or I am in sin.

How could I ever really evaluate that since somedays I am doing okay and then other days I am in far over my head? My marriage is suffering because of it, and I just simply don’t see an end in sight. I think the more kids we have the worse things will get. I think our parenting styles are different/irreconcilable. I don’t think that will change.
 
The Church doesn’t define it too tightly, which is one reason you get so many opinions offered. It requires people to apply careful consideration to their own circumstances. And in the end, this is really all serious means.

The Oxford Dictionary (online) defines serious as: “demanding or characterized by careful consideration or application”. If as a husband and wife you carefully consider your circumstances and decide that using NFP to postpone/avoid further pregnancies is appropriate, you would be basically adhering to Church teaching. It’s not really any more complicated than that. For a more indepth assessment, you could consult with a trusted priest to help you.

PS When your “marriage is suffering”, you definitely have a serious reason!
 
We had our 4th baby last year and now have four kids aged 6 and under. We weren’t planning on having no. 4 at all but I can honestly say that having our surprise little boy and all our children has been the greatest adventure and the best thing that has ever happened to us. I completely understand how you feel. My husband isn’t catholic and has a hard time dealing with the whole nfp thing. I can’t remember ever being taught it properly anywhere even at our marriage prep classes. Ive finally found a method that suits my body .With lots of interupted sleep Ive found taking my body temp unreliable. I now use Billings which is more reliable for us. Have you got Evelyn Billings book? Its reallygood and not too complicated. Knowledge about your cycle is key and will help banish the fear. Having said that trust in God is the most important thing right now. He will look after you if you ask Himx there are so many blessings that come with a surprise pregnancy so dont despair!
 
I didn’t have any formal pre-marriage council long so I can’t comment on that but I do know exactly how you feel. In discussing this I often feel that the dilemma faced by couples ‘blessed’ with fertility is often under recognised when it is in reality often the defining issue in a marriage and a very real moral (and practical) struggle for the couple.
 
NFP1Kate said:
I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
Click to expand...
Four kids in 5 years? I can understand you being overwhelmed. What is a serious/grave reason to practise NFP is to be determined by husband and wife only. Talk to your husband about this. You both can talk to your priest about this but you do not have to.

The Church does not require us to have as many children as possible. We do not follow the Quiverful Movement. Please take a step back and talk to your husband about how you are feeling. There is a lot to read on NFP. There are also links to the Church’s position on using NFP.
 
NFP1Kate said:
I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
Click to expand...
Obviously, there is great deal of stress right now and you should not jeopardize your sanity by having more children immediately.

I’m a father of 9, we had our last 4 in a relatively short span of 5+ years. I completely understand your stress.

Having said that, let me ask you one of your own questions in the reciprocal. “How could *not *having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier or a better person”

The answers to all these questions will remain unknown for the immediate time.
Please do not close the door on the future. You sound like you will continue to practice NFP and like most parents, things will get easier.

Feeling trapped can often lead to absolute statements especially when you are feeling the full weight of your distress. But Trust in God is also openness to His plan. It is something you need to pray about. You may not be able to comprehend ever being able to have the desire again to have children, but as life changes, you absolutely might. Or you might not

Do what you are doing, and seek out support. It sounds to me like you are well grounded in practicing NFP and those benefits will help you to grow in holiness. It’s OK to be stressed, Just don’t let stress control your decisions.

Joe B
 
NFP1Kate said:
I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
Click to expand...
I’m a bit surprised you were OK with the notion of having 4 kids in 5 years, given the very reasonable strains you’re now expressing. Many parents would have sought to ensure greater spacing? I assume you did not practice NFP during those years, but you are now considering doing so?

Personally, I have the same issue with the justification requirement for using NFP. After all, I think most couples start out with a view of their ultimate family size and work to that plan. But for you, I think you clearly meet the just cause requirement anyway.
 
NFP1Kate said:
I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t want more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
Click to expand...
I would speak with your priest about this issue.

Keep praying and trust in God.
 
I think you are overthinking this. You don’t need a “grave” reason to avoid pregnancy. The word is “serious,” not “grave.” “Serious” simply means “not trivial.” As long as you are using NFP, you are fine. You are not obligated to have more children. And it certainly sounds like you have serious reasons to avoid, since you are overwhelmed with the kids you have and your marriage is suffering.
 
underacloud said:
PS When your “marriage is suffering”, you definitely have a serious reason!
Click to expand...
👍

This. Seriously. Keeping your marriage healthy is so important. It is your vocation. Your kids are not your vocation, though they are your responsibility and often their needs have to come before yours and your husbands, but your marriage to your husband is your personal vocation in life. Not only is that true, but in order to raise your children that already exist well, to give them the best start in life and to give them the best chance at having good marriages in the future it is important that your own marriage is healthy, they need the example of a healthy marriage for them to set as the standard of how relationships work. Keeping yourself sane and protecting your marriage are both absolutely serious and grave reasons to avoid children. Don’t let other people scare you into taking on more than you can handle. Know yourself and your limits and do what is best for your marriage and your family, and that means taking a break when you need it, making sure you don’t get burnt out and making sure you and your husband have time to keep your marriage alive and healthy. The biggest problem in the US these days is the number of broken marriages and families, do what it takes to protect yours and forget about any judgemental comments you might hear from others. When you know that you need a break for the good of yourself, your marriage, and your family, take one and don’t feel at all bad about doing so.
 
NFP1Kate said:
I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.
Click to expand...
You’re being way too hard on yourself and you are overthinking 'just/serious/grave/whatever way too much. Stress is definitely warrants NFP. Being overwhelmed and feeling like giving up definitely warrants NFP. Stop inviting people into your marriage to dictate what you should and shouldn’t do and talk it over with your husband and a good priest. Emotional, spiritual and psychological health is just as important as physical health.
 
There was an article published in the Franciscan University Concourse a few years back that deals with justification for using NFP that I’ve always really liked and refer to often. You can read the full article here, and below is an excerpt. God bless you for your faithfullness and your work raising our future Church.
So, if not law or “Providence” what should guide our “family planning”?

To the question: “When is it good to practice NFP?” There is only one perfectly true answer. It is this: “When love calls for it.”

Love is the meaning of life; the meaning of marriage; the meaning of human sexuality. It is (or should be), both explicitly and implicitly, the source and reference point for all our acts and judgments within marriage.

If a man notices that his wife is exhausted and overwhelmed, it is love in him to suppress his desire to embrace her sexually. (To insist on his “conjugal rights” at such a time would be an act of unlove.) Or, if a woman sees that her husband is being crushed by a too-heavy weight of responsibility, then it is love in her to put aside her longing to have another baby, and wait patiently for a better time. Or, if devoted parents notice that their children are suffering from too little attention, then they may, out of love, discipline their desires in order to be better able to attend to their education. Or, if a husband recognizes in his wife an extraordinary vocation—to teach, say, or to law—then he may, out of love, urge her to complete her studies before the duties of motherhood become consuming, so that when the call comes to use those gifts, she will be ready.
Click to expand...
 
In addition to the excellent advice that a lot of other posters have given, let me offer my two cents. 🙂

Remember, discerning in a given month to use NFP to avoid does not mean that you’ve decided never to have any more children. It means that this month, you are tired and stressed and really need to work on getting on the same page in your marriage and parenting, and you are reasonably sure that this month, barring a miracle, you probably shouldn’t conceive so that you can work on your marriage. You might change your mind next month, or next year, or even next week, and that’s perfectly fine! Reevaluate together every month at least, and see how, when and if your priorities change. Discuss this with your husband, and if he’s Christian, pray about it together and separately.

I assume he knew when he married you that NFP was the way you would be spacing children. Is he helping with your charts, or is he relying entirely on you? If the former, you might get him more involved, though it can be initially awkward. My husband and I haven’t had a reason to use NFP to avoid yet, so he isn’t very involved, but we agreed before we got married that when and if we have a good reason to use it, he would help with the charting if only because that way I will not be in the position of always being the person to say yes or no, and he won’t always be in the position of feeling turned down when I say no, but will understand from the first where I am in my cycle and therefore if we should make love or not based on our discussion that month. That dynamic (the one where I’m the “gatekeeper” and he’s always asking to be allowed to do something) probably isn’t healthy for most marriages; I know it wouldn’t be for ours, and that it would really lead to resentment on both sides.

Good luck! 🙂
 
NFP1Kate said:
I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.
Click to expand...
NFP1Kate said:
I guess I don’t know how to define just/grave/serious in my life. I just know that I am constantly being told that I have to have a good reason or I am in sin.

How could I ever really evaluate that since somedays I am doing okay and then other days I am in far over my head? My marriage is suffering because of it, and I just simply don’t see an end in sight. I think the more kids we have the worse things will get. I think our parenting styles are different/irreconcilable. I don’t think that will change.
Click to expand...
I think you just found your “reason”. 😉
For reals… don’t over think this.

For what it’s worth - life, without a doubt, WILL change. Your kids will grow up, your marriage will mature, and things WILL change. Then, you can reevaluate whether it’s still necessary to use NFP. THAT’S part of what is so great about NFP - it’s something you reevaluate every month - and that’s how’s it’s supposed to work.
 
I agree with the others. Don’t overthink it. Some well-meaning Catholics make it sound as though the only legitimate reason to postpone pregancy is if the wife will certainly die or if the family is literally living on the streets in poverty.

“Grave” does not mean “so serious that it will never actually happen to me.” I would say that your personal sanity after having four kids in five years would certainly qualify. Of course, that’s not for me to determine.

Being open to children does not mean striving to have as many children as physically possible.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top