More kids?

[lifeisbeautiful]

I will take a different approach… It really isn’t up to any of us to tell you whether or not you have good reasons to avoid, but we can all tell you that:

1. God wants what is best for us, so the ‘rules’ of His Church are actually guidelines that help us choose what is best! I understand if you feel upset you had not been told while preparing for marriage, I have heard this as well from women who were on the pill and did not find out until later that it was against the Church’s teachings, or from other people that have had their eyes opened in some other area of the Church’s teachings and wish they would have known sooner.
2. If you are not sure about whether or not you have reasons, you can find a good priest whose counsel you trust (and it is always good to find yourself a good spiritual director anyways), and he can help you figure out what God may want of you.
3. Having reasons to avoid doesn’t mean you are forever closing off to more children, it just means that you and your spouse have prayerfully discerned that for the time being you have good reasons to avoid. It is a sacrifice as well, to use NFP to avoid because you have realized you have reasons to avoid. It does take some sincere reflection and good formation of conscience to be able to figure out what reasons are good or not, and, once again, if you are not able to figure it out you can get the help of a good priest.
4. Children do not harm marriages; they just don’t. Marriage is ordered towards procreation. Now, there may be reasons to avoid that can be affected by new children… and so it is good to look into those reasons, see if there is anything that can be done to improve the situation.

I absolutely sympathize with your situation, the lack of adequate preparation. The Church’s teachings on marriage and family are beautiful and make sense, they are good for us and good for humanity in general, but if you are not aware of them when you are entering the covenant and they get thrown at you mid-way it can be very tough. I always admire converts and people that have reverted to Catholicism. It is easier to receive all the formation and know things beforehand than to make lifestyle and mentality changes after you are in the middle of everything. I would suggest you do your best to learn what good reasons are, read Church documents (if you go too secular you will find a variety of interpretations) seek the help of a priest if necessary ask God to help you seek His will, and be at peace with whatever you sincerely discern. Then you can continue evaluating your reasons… you may feel you have reasons at this point, but you may prayerfully discern in the future that they are no longer there. Don’t get overwhelmed or worried thinking about the future. God asks us to seek to do His will now, with the circumstances we are in now. Don’t worry about what He may ask for in the future. God knows what is best for you; He knows what is in your heart, your strengths, your weaknesses.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Hang in there!

Are you using NFP at all? Perhaps it is time to start, or to find a new method that works for you in terms of trying to avoid pregnancy. Spacing kids is OK. We don’t have to have a baby every year in order to qualify as devout Catholics. There are people who want and can handle a big family, and those who can’t. I can’t. I wish I could but my reality is different. I have 2 children and don’t want any more. Keeping my sanity is one of the reasons, and I don’t mean it flippantly. The same goes for my husband. We use NFP and if we have more children we will deal with that and accept them as a gift. But we don’t really desire more. Maybe this will change, who knows, and I will be happily expecting another little one. By having this attitude towards procreation and understanding my marriage vows I am still open to life because I have not locked the fertility door and thrown away the key. But I know what I can handle (and so does my husband) and that is not a sin.

So don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t let anyone scare you that you are committing a sin by not desiring another baby. This is not what the church teaches.

 

[severus68]

Hang in there!

Are you using NFP at all? Perhaps it is time to start, or to find a new method that works for you in terms of trying to avoid pregnancy. Spacing kids is OK. We don’t have to have a baby every year in order to qualify as devout Catholics. There are people who want and can handle a big family, and those who can’t. I can’t. I wish I could but my reality is different. I have 2 children and don’t want any more. Keeping my sanity is one of the reasons, and I don’t mean it flippantly. The same goes for my husband. We use NFP and if we have more children we will deal with that and accept them as a gift. But we don’t really desire more. Maybe this will change, who knows, and I will be happily expecting another little one. By having this attitude towards procreation and understanding my marriage vows I am still open to life because I have not locked the fertility door and thrown away the key. But I know what I can handle (and so does my husband) and that is not a sin.

Well said.

So don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t let anyone scare you that you are committing a sin by not desiring another baby. This is not what the church teaches.

 

[sdeco]

There are people who want and can handle a big family, and those who can’t. I can’t. I wish I could but my reality is different. I have 2 children and don’t want any more. Keeping my sanity is one of the reasons, and I don’t mean it flippantly.

I feel the exact same way! You are brave for admitting that on this forum.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I agree with the op that the Church (and society!) needs to do a better job of preparing people for marriage. The Church teaches that couples need a serious/just/grave reason for using NFP, which is a dramatically different view of sex and marriage from society around us. Children are blessings to a marriage and couples should not take avoiding pregnancy lightly.

While the op has made strives to learn Church teachings, she still falls short of understanding them. Needing a reason for avoiding children isn’t the same thing as saying couples need to be trying for more children. That distinction is often lost on people, especially those who believe themselves to be highly fertile.

Will additional children make us better, holier people? Maybe yes, maybe no. Holiness isn’t determined by family size. Additional holiness makes us holier. Some very holy people bear the cross of infertility, which serves as a reminder we should not take fertility for granted, even if we are feeling overwhelmed with parenting. One pregnancy that helped me grow the most in holiness ended in miscarriage. Yes, that additional pregnancy really did help my husband and me become better people and better parents.

Four children in five years of marriage–wow! I am guessing there’s a set of multiples somewhere in there, but even if there aren’t multiples that’s a lot of young children. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. Do you have help? When caring for that many children, don’t be afraid to ask for help! And if anyone offers help, don’t be afraid to accept it.

If you are surrounded by people telling you to have more children, then maybe you’re in a heavily Catholic family friendly environment that is supportive of large families. Look into employing a teenager from one of those Catholic families near you as as a mother’s helper after school. I did that one summer when I had three children very close in age. Or maybe there are some pro-life people at your parish who’d love an opportunity to hold a baby. When I had several young ones, I attended some women’s groups/Bible studies that had nursery care for the toddlers and baby-loving women who gladly helped me. Look and see if your parish or neighboring parishes or Catholic groups offer something like that and if they don’t offer nursery care, ask them if they’d consider adding it.

There are people who will help you! And while you asked about more children in this thread, as the mother of eight I can tell you that right now at this point in my life, the help I get now in caring for my children comes mostly from my other children. (And no, in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I don’t expect my older children to raise my younger children. My younger children also help care for my older children.) It’s fun now seeing the relationships that they have with each other. I don’t know if I’m any holier for having had more living children, but I do know that I have more children helping our family and praying for me.

 

[PaulGH]

I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I had another baby this year, and have been very busy with my kids.

I am trying to get a grip on family planning and Church teachings. I was raised Catholic, but I went to a nominally Catholic parish my whole life. I was married in the Church 5 years ago. I don’t feel that I was adequately prepared to face this vocation nor did I understand the teachings of the Church in regards to family planning. I knew my husband and I would use NFP, but I didn’t know I had to have a serious reason to use it.

I have 4 children. I’m in my mid twenties. I am overwhelmed. I want to give up.

This whole concept of needing a just/serious/grave/whatever reason to postpone pregnancy is important to tell the engaged. I was not told this in marriage prep. And now I am suffering because of it. I will not contracept or sterilize, I believe that is wrong. I will remain open to life if God sends life…but I don’t * want* more children, I doubt I will ever try to conceive again. I feel deceived, I feel trapped. How could having more pregnancies make me a better Catholic, or somehow holier? How would it make me a better person? I have trusted in God, and I feel I am despairing in all these blessings He has sent already.

If you have had four children in five years, I can completely understand that you are feeling overwhelmed right now! It will get better, at least a little better, as they get older. But having four small children would overwhelm just about any mom (or dad).

Given that you are feeling overwhelmed, and given that you are using phrases like “I want to give up” and “I am despairing,” I truly think that you and your husband have a valid reason to use NFP to avoid pregnancy. Maybe that will change in the future, as your children get older, or maybe it won’t, but I don’t think you should worry about that right now, because you just can’t know for sure how you will feel one or two or five or ten years from now. The key is that right now, it certainly sounds like you have a valid reason to use NFP to avoid pregnancy.

Maybe this doesn’t answer what you are really asking, but I am trying to answer what I think might be the more immediate question.

 

[SamH]

Four kids in 5 years? I can understand you being overwhelmed. What is a serious/grave reason to practise NFP is to be determined by husband and wife only. Talk to your husband about this. You both can talk to your priest about this but you do not have to.

The Church does not require us to have as many children as possible. We do not follow the Quiverful Movement. Please take a step back and talk to your husband about how you are feeling. There is a lot to read on NFP. There are also links to the Church’s position on using NFP.

Agreed!